Life's Simple Pleasures II
Written by: Ian Valentine on 11-15-07
I've said it before in a previous article, and I'll say it again. It's the little things in life that make life worth living. It's not the cookie cutter things like money, love, and shelter that make life special. It's things like peeing while swimming, taking a shit and not having to wipe, and having a girl tongue your nut sack that make life the cat's pajamas. These are the truly underrated things in life.
However, as I have lived my life since this previous article, I have discovered many other wonderful little things that I have not previously mentioned. These little things make me so happy, I thank God everyday that I am not a quadriplegic who wouldn't know happiness if it kicked him/her in those paperweights they call their legs. Hell, these things are so damn awe-inspiring, without them, having to use your chin to steer your wheelchair wouldn't be half bad. All that being said, I am here today to share my feelings about these things with my loyal readers. The ones that make this site possible, and the ones that stroke my ego so well I cum faster during sex.
Checking Out The Size Of Your Shit
Considering all life accomplishments, not much can make a man feel prouder than when the deuce he just dropped blows his mind and leaves him astonished that something of that magnitude just exited his body. This brown thing wraps itself around the toilet like you just gave birth to a snake-like amphibian, and odds are, had it not curled around the toilet and came out straight, it may have popped out of the water and rested against your balls. These monstrosities leave men patting themselves on the back, and if it wouldn't be so mortifying to them, they would probably show their friends. Hell, if it were possible, I bet other toilets would be jealous. Unfortunately though, this feeling of pride will quickly turn to panic, because not only will this stool of champions clog your toilet, but your neighbor's toilet may be in critical danger too.
Realizing You Still Got It
Classic situation: you have committed yourself to a girl, and you're so happy you wouldn't change anything, however, since you're taken, you notice hoochies are avoiding you like the plague. Naturally, this is good for your relationship, but it's cancer for your ego since you start to question if you still have 'it.' You begin to doubt yourself, and before you know it; your self-esteem resembles that of a bulimic girl on Prozac. But then some tramp tries to seduce you, and regardless of how nasty she is, you realize that you didn't lose your machismo like you lost your ability to party all weekend long. And not only did you not lose your 'it' factor, you realize that not only is your animal magnetism still strong, but you realize that if you wanted to, you could drop the hammer like Greg Valentine on this girl. And let's not forget, you also get to deny someone, which is a simple pleasure within its self. Doing that is almost as rewarding as pretending to donate to the Salvation Army at Christmas time.
Popping a High Pressured Zit
You feel this bastard coming for days, and when it finally shows up, it's so gargantuan it looks like it may have elbows. But there's no sense trying to hide it, everyone sees it. You only hope is to pop it and put it out of its misery, so that after 3-5 days of healing, your life can return to normal. But doing so isn't as ill-fated as it may seem. After strategically placing your fingers around the zit and squeezing, a penis-on-prom night like explosion occurs. There's a sudden burst, and globs of goo start to squirts everywhere. Plus, if the zit was potent enough, puss may have projectiled itself across the room and spearheaded the mirror. But this isn't nasty. Instead it leaves you with feeling of power that sends a message to all future zits if they dare show up on your face. Of course, the zits then respond by showing up on your back instead.
This guy's mirror is about to get douched
Lifting More Than The Person Next To You
I don't think it's any secret that us guys want to be seen as bigger, stronger, and simply more masculine than the next guy. And one of the best ways for us to do this, is to showcase our strength. Whether it be while working on our traps at the gym, moving our stuff in and out of ex-girlfriends apartments, or trying to carry an obnoxious amount of grocery bags from the car to the house, every mans goal it to be able to lift more than the next peon. And once we (hopefully) accomplish this goal, an insurmountable sense of satisfaction takes over us. Now, like a Greek God, we are superior to all mankind, and our Herculean physical attributes resemble those of an Adonis. Well, that is until we either come across some meathead who has bigger mammaries than an 8th grader that stuffs her bra, or until a hemorrhoid blows up our asshole from straining so much ... which ever comes first.
Finding Belly Button Lint
Although it's not as ghastly as an 'outtie' belly button, there is no denying that belly button lint is disgusting. However, it's also mesmerizing. So mesmerizing in fact, that it's actually kind of bewildering to find. You find yourself wondering how in the blue hell it got there, and you are so dumbfounded that the only conclusion you can come to is that it must have traveled it's way down your grisly chest hair in an adventure only Louis and Clark could empathize with. But even though you may not understand it, you can't help but laugh a little to yourself when you free the dirtball from your naval cavern, as if you are cleaning the lint trap at a laundromat. And as an added bonus, you find yourself being thankful you don't have to get a glimpse of the lint that travels down your ass hair. Now that may really be baffling. Possibly blinding too.
This may come in handy to my hairier friends
Cutting Into Peanut Butter For The First Time
Like using that throne of a toilet in the handicap stall, nothing compares to the feeling that comes over you when you get to break the seal on a jar of peanut butter, and that oasis of pure legume flawlessness looks back at you. This manufactured culinary masterpiece instantly makes your eyes light up, and makes your mouth salivate like you're an Ethiopian about to get their weekly ration of water. And this delicious situation only gets better, as dipping a knife into that virginal spread for the first time is so erotic and sensory overloading that you can't help but think that not only is this peanut butter your lunch, but its also an appetizer to what heaven will be like.
Recalling A Funny Memory
This usually happens in situations like when you're in a work meeting, celebrating a holiday with family, or when your significant other is nagging you. Basically, during the times in your life when you are bored to tears, and your only amusement and sanity life vest is your own thoughts. You start scouring your memory bank to pass the time, and before you know it, you come across a timeless and classic memory. A memory as classic as the time your convinced your co worker she should find a better job because you hated her, or the time you told that girl you were a doctor and she bought it. This recollection is a memory riot, and because of it, despite its situational inappropriateness and potential repercussions, you can't help but get slightly nostalgic and let out a little chuckle. And because of it, for a brief second life is good again, and more importantly, you are saved from the terror of your boredom. Unfortunately, the people around you won't share your liveliness. Instead, they look at you like you're rude, or like you must be hearing voices. I actually prefer to blame it on gas.
Getting Your Tax Refund
All year long you have been looking at your pay stubs and cursing Uncle Sam for pillaging your paycheck. And to make this situation stink worse than asparagus soaked urine, come April, you have to report to the IRS about how poor they have made you, and then hope that they don't tell you that you need to pay more. Thankfully though, more often then not the IRS gives you a little treat for being so gentle when they pushed your shit in all year long. And this treat is in the form of one fat ass check. But because you learned to live without this money, this money is pretty much free, so you don't even have to feel obligated to use it towards anything responsible. Instead you can use it to wipe your ass, throw a party, or even pick up a call girl down by the docks. Whatever you do with it, it doesn't matter. Uncle Sam finally paid you back, and you're going to repay him the only way you know possible ... not voting, not enrolling in the military, and not donating blood.
"Money, Money, Money, Money, Moneyyyyyyyyyyyy" -Million Dollar Man
Receiving Real Mail
There isn't much more enticing than when you open your mailbox, and you see it packed to the gills. However, like finding out a hot girl is a virgin, you get disappointed very quickly. That stack of mail is full of bills, flyers, and banks pre-approving you for more credit cards than you have slots in your wallet. But then you see it ... actual mail. Maybe it's a card. Maybe it's a letter. Hell, maybe it's even something shitty like an invitation to a friends wedding that you probably won't attend because you can hardly stand him. Either way it doesn't matter. Seeing this cheers you up more than when you see the top of a girl's thong hanging out. Finally, someone cares about you for something besides your money. Well, either that or they felt bad and got guilted into writing or inviting you. Oh well, you'll show them when you don't respond.
Not Being The Ugliest Person In The Room
Admit it; your self-esteem can't handle you realizing you are the boot nastiest person in the room. It's a devastating blow to the ego that can never be fixed, because after all...you can't cure ugly. That being so, when you are out and you realize you are not the ugliest person in the room, a huge weight is lifted from your shoulders. Now, not only are you exempt from being the recipient of everyone's repulsively awkward stares, but you get bumped up one spot when girls survey what guys in the area they would be willing to talk to. However, if your looks are so desolate that you had to worry about this problem to begin with, I recommend staying in the dark anyways. After all, being the second ugliest person isn't really something to brag about. Like being the smartest retard, it's a battle nobody wins.
Stick around this guy. You'll feel untouchable.
Bill Is Wrong At The Restaurant
Granted it may only be a difference of a few dollars, but when you order at a restaurant you instantly become Jewish and take the cheaper route in order to save a few bucks. But regardless of how you order, when the bill arrives your body is overcome with a feeling of financial resentment as you wish you had stayed at home and ate those $1.19 Lipton Noodles. However, when studying the bill you notice something, but you think it can't be right, so you look again. But then you realize it, the bill is wrong, and as a result your bill is cheaper than you expected. Maybe they forgot a drink. Maybe it's someone else's bill. Either way, it doesn't matter. All that matters is your bill is cheaper than it should be, and as if it just pulled you out of poverty, feelings of magnificence take over your body. The restaurant should consider themselves lucky too. Because up until this point you were going to steal a sweet pint glass to ensure you got your money's worth. Yeah right, you know it's already jammed in your girlfriend's oversized purse.
Diarrhea
I know what you're thinking... no way can diarrhea be a simple pleasure. And you know what, I'm sure you would present a good argument. But think about it. Sure the minutes before the diarrhea are treacherous with all the waxing and waning contractions of pain, and sure you may get frantic trying to find a toilet, because if you don't, lord have mercy on whatever your asshole splatter happens to land on. But once you drop your pants and your ass hits the toilet seat, you unleash a fury so dominant, if you didn't know any better you would think you just shit a road flare. But with the expulsion of this dookie time bomb, a feeling so comforting and powerful takes over your body, you are convinced you may have just had an epiphany. A sweet feeling of bliss and harmony comes over you, and no matter how hard you fight it, you can't help but smile. And surprisingly, these feelings of exuberance even last throughout the marathon of toilet flushing you are about to embark on, because you know this beast isn't going down the drain without a fight.
Trust me, I know this feeling
OK, enough of this. I've got a few more, but I suppose I should save a few for future material. But before I go, let me remind you of a simple pleasure from my last article.
Nudity in a movie ... ohhhhhhhhhh, yeeeahhhhhhh
Questions? Comments? Are you the ugliest person reading this article? If so, email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com
Or feel free to check out our forum and leave some feedback in there.
But at the very least, don't forget to check out my archives , where you can read such fan favorites as...
The Original List of Life's Simple Pleasures