Duke's One Minute Movie Reviews
Written by: Duke on 2/20/08 
Jumper: Alright, so reviewing this movie isn't as easy as just simply giving it one letter grade. I have to put many things into account. Think of it like film math. Let's weigh the good and bad. The good? The film has an interesting premise. A guy who has the ability to transport anywhere he wants soon finds out the good life isn't as easy at it seems because he's being chased by none other than a crazy Samuel L. Jackson who hates his kind. So, how does the movie look on paper?
Grade: A-
Pretty cool right!? Not quite. One glaring problem is that Samuel L. Jackson's character makes absolutely no sense. It's basically a written law in movies that when Samuel's character looks retarded...there is going to be no explanation. For example, in the movie XXX, his character has unnecessary scars all over his face. While we weren't expecting a whole sub plot on why he has weird scars on his face, they still don't give any explanation at all. In Jumper, he, for some reason or another, has silver hair. Why you ask!? I can't even think of something witty to say. It just makes no fucking sense.
He has silver hair.
Don't even get me started on that one movie where he wears a kilt and kills people. Alright, so based on that. Jumper is now a...
Grade: F
But, that's not all. At one point, he is fighting the main character and at the end of the fight Samuel L suddenly (as if he was giving really good head to a spray paint can) now has blotches of silver on his face. WHY?
Grade: F-
Sadly, the movies flaws don't end here. Hayden Christensen (of Star Wars prequels) plays the main character. This guy can transport to anywhere he wants. So cool! Not really. The guy is a grade A dick. It's a problem when Hayden is more likable in the film Shattered Glass where he is SUPPOSED to be a whiny bitch. He is far more grating to the nerves in the Star War films and this. How can I root for the hero to succeed when he's like that one friend you don't want to come out to the bar with you but comes anyway?
You can go wherever you want in the whole world. Stop crying about it. This guy, if he wanted, could start jerking off on the top of Mt.Everest and then finish off by shooting his sci-fi load all over the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Instead, he decides to bitch and moan for about 90 minutes straight. Oh no! Jumper has become...
Grade: G
Worse than G you say? It gets even worse. During a flashback, our boy Hayden is transporting to banks and stealing money. After he transports back from the bank, he keeps returning to his home base of a perve motel room to stash the money. A song off the Hives recent 2007 release is playing. This is getting me pumped! The music...the bank...the money...the transporting...the motel! It's all fine and dandy except for one thing. Of course he's making soooooooo much noise while doing all of this! Naturally, the motel manager bangs on his door asking him to cool his fucking jets. When the camera shot goes to the outside of the room to show the manager knocking, we now hear that the Hives song is playing from inside the room. So, it's not just background music in the movie...but our boy Hayden is actually listening to the song while doing this. Slap me in the face and call me Derek...but give me a break, guys. I guess he decided to turn on a totally cool song to listen to while transporting to Bank of America, eh? FUCK.
Grade: H
It couldn't possibly get worse could it? For the first quarter of the movie or so, everywhere the main character goes, there is a creepy foreign guy that eye fucks the shit out of him. Eventually we find out that this creepazoid is also a fellow jumper. He's totally been doing it for years and exclaims that our boy Darth Vader is such a "rookie." We soon find out that this guy is also being chased by Samuel L and the army of anti-jumpers. They bicker and quarrel like a married couple until finally deciding it's best to team up to defeat the evil Samuel L. They of course come to this realization while the foreign fuck is driving a car at about 900 MPH through Tokyo...transporting the car to another spot in the road of course to avoid crashing. But, for the first half of this delightful scene...he isn't transporting at first but instead just dodging cars like he's James Bond on steroids. WHY CAN HE DO THIS?
Grade: I
During the end, the foreign cock wants to blow up Samuel L with a bomb...or something. Hayden is totally against it because the love of his life is in the same room as Samuel L. So, they of course fight each other so the foreigner doesn't get to blow up everyone...I guess. They start fighting and the foreign guy usually says a one liner before punching Hayden. What a cheeky fucker! They proceed to battle for the detonator transporting to different parts of the world while fighting. Once one gets control of the detonator, he transports himself to another part of the world and somehow the other guy follows him there. HOW DOES HE KNOW WHERE THE OTHER GUY IS GOING? To add to this madness, at one point they are chasing each other on a beach. They transport themselves to catch up with the other guy once the other one starts getting ahead by running. Why not just transport yourself in front of the other guy and punch him in the fucking nads?
So, because of all of that stuff here is the final grade for Jumper.
Grade: K-
Spiderwick Chronicles: I recently took my three year old nephew to see this darling kids flick. This movie also needs quite a bit of film math to figure out the final grade. Basically, an evil ogre wants to steal a book in order to take over the fantasy land and kill everybody because that's what bad guys do. Splendid. With some cool special effects and likable characters, this thing could be enjoyable! On paper Spiderwick looks like it could be a...
Grade: B
Not so fast. Before watching the movie, I found out that the kid starring in it (the brit from Finding Neverland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) is actually 16 years old. WHAT? Finding Neverland is from 2004 and he looks like he is about six years old in that. What a freaky piece of shit. I couldn't stop thinking about this during the whole movie. What a weirdo.
Grade: C-
I soon realize once the movie gets a few minutes in that the same actor is playing twins. I heard this movie was supposed to be scary but holy hell this is frightening. Double the freaky creepiness. His twin is even more of an asshole and dresses like a fucking nerd and talks weird. Let's change that to a...
Grade: F+
Can this movie possibly redeem itself? Sure it can. The love of my life, Mary Louise Parker plays the mother. The movie is now a...
Grade: A
But, she's barely in the movie.
Grade: F+ again
Seth Rogan (from Knocked Up, Superbad, Freaks & Geeks etc.) is the voice of a pig goblin. He likes to eat birds and crack jokes. Is that cool? I can't tell.
Grade: ?
In the end, it still was quite enjoyable but that freak of nature kid and his age couldn't escape my mind. So...
Grade: C
My nephew did enjoy it though. His funny comments and questions made the experience all that much better. Also, to my delight nobody in the movie was, at any point, stepping up 2 the streets or anywhere for that matter. In the end...
Grade: C+
Definitely, Maybe: Finally I can breath a sigh of relief. A movie that was actually better than I thought it would be (or just wasn't an illogical piece of shit or a freaky as fuck movie). Ryan Reynolds ditched the Ace Ventura personality and instead also decided to not go Van Wilder on our ass. Instead, his character is very likable. Most of the characters in the movie are likable. To add to it, it could have simply just been a run of the mill romantic comedy but actually turned out to be well written and quite funny. Sure, there are a few clichés thrown in there, but the movie as a whole works so well it doesn't really matter.
Grade: B+
Rambo: With a plot as worn out as your grandmas vag, this movie could have sucked serious balls (like your grandma as well). Instead, Stallone and the action sort of made up for it. People don't just get shot in this movie. They explode. Kids don't just get beat up by the bad guys. They get their heads stepped on and thrown in fires. People's heads don't just get cut off. Their soul basically escapes in the process. Still, the entertaining and ridiculous action and one liners couldn't completely make up for the fact that the movie suffered from brain damage. Not worth seeing in the theater, but worth renting for a night when you feel like stepping on children's heads.
Grade: C