Hello everyone and welcome to the first annual, 2006 Zubie’s Award show, where we will be presenting awards to the ZubazPants.com’s best of the best from 2005. I’ll be your host for the evening, Johnny Zubaz! Make a big ass bowl of some microwave popcorn, grab a 40oz. and let’s get this show on the road.

However, before we start the festivities, tonight’s show will be dedicated to former Zubaz writers who have passed on, let’s all have a moment of silence.

It brings a tear to the eye people.

Ok, now that we have that crap out of the way, let’s start with the least important award for the night, Best Guest Writer of 2005. Although, for this we have a very special guest presenter. Ladies and Gentleman, you may remember her from such articles as “Interview with a Hokie,” and…well…actually that’s about it. But anyways, here she is, Sarah Allen!

Sarah:Hi everyone! It’s so nice to see you all again.

Crowd: Boooooooooo! Get off the stage, quitter! Booooooo!

Sarah: Awww, thanks guys, I miss you too. I have missed you all so much. Maybe one day I will write another article.

Crowd: Nooooooo!

Sarah:Hee hee. OK, so apparently I am here to present to you the Best Guest Writer of 2005. Well, even though I have a very busy schedule, I suppose I have time to do it. So, your four nominees are:

Pompous Douche

Falcor

Joey Scaglionni

Dominick Lovergene

Sarah:Oh, I hope Joey wins, he’s such a stud. I would sure love him to add some tomato sauce to my laffy taffy. Oh! And guess what?! The winner of this year’s Guest Writer of the Year is…Joey Scaggs!

Scaggs: Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do now huh? Thank a bunch of fuckin' people or some shit?

You know what, fuck thankin' everybody else, I only gots myself to thank for being Joey. It's not like it is a fuckin' surprise that I won either. Who the fuck else would win this shit? That fuckin' flying dog, what the fuck? When I read that shit am I supposed to fuckin' laugh or some shit, is it supposed to fuckin' amuse me?

Oh and that faggot Pompous Douche probably thought he had a shot, well here is a message for you Pompous FAG, this is Joey's award motherfucker, JOEY'S!!! SO GO FUCK YA SELF.

And to everyone else here in the audience FUCK YOU, I DONT OWE YOU SHIT!! THIS IS JOEY'S TIME BABY!! IM OUT.

Zubaz: Well ok, Joey. You’re welcome by the way, you fucking Guinea bitch.

Oh boy. Sorry that wasn’t very professional of me. Let’s move on.

Let’s keep this party going with our 2nd Zubie of the night, The Rookie of the Year Award! .

And who better to present this award than a man who knows rookies all too well…Rasheed Wallace!

After 10 minutes of Rasheed’s slow limp to the stage to the tune of “99 Problems But a Ref Ain’t One”, ‘Sheed takes the podium.

Rasheed: HOLLER! Now this next award is a category I know very well, ROOKIES! But before I get to the winner, or even the nominees, let me re-cap what typical rookies go through…well, at least when they deal with me.

First they have to roll me a blunt for every game plus playoffs. Then on road games we drive them 50 miles from the stadium and drop their white asses off somewhere in the ghetto. Sometimes they make it back and sometimes those pansy asses call the cops on me!

My last game is something I call “Breaking the Ice.” This is where I take a huge shit after my KFC Thanksgiving meal and freeze it in a block of ice.

I then dump that block of ice in a big kiddie pool full of malt liquor. The rookies then have to finish all the malt before that ice block melts, and let’s just say Mike Lucinski wasn’t called “Hershey Face” the rest of the year for no reason! HAHAHA!

Oh man I kill myself. Anyways, here are your four nominees: Roosta da Neezy, Mike Lucinski, Doug Enemy, and JC. Or as I like to put it, the Italian Guy, the Star Wars freak, the guy who quit writing, and the Jew bagel.

Man you know what, FUCK YA’LL! Lookin’ at me like I’m some type of criminal. I’m taking this award, and making a new grill out of it. I’m the best thing to ever happen to Zubazpants.com! I’m going to smoke, bitches…HOLLA!

(Rasheed exits off stage to Nelly’s “Grillz”)

Johnny Zubaz runs up to the stage and recovers the nominee card.

Zubaz: Umm, sorry about that. He said he turned over a new leaf, but I guess he smoked it instead.

Anyways, I guess I’ll take it from here, thanks ‘Sheed. And, the winner of the Zubie for 2005 Rookie of the Year goes to…Roosta Da Neezy! Get on up here you big Italian you!

Neezy: Fuckin’ Rasheed Wallace just said my name…. ‘Sheed Nasty! Man if you told me when I first signed up to be a writer for ZubazPants.com, that a year later ‘Sheed would be saying my name, I would have slapped you. This is an amazing feeling, and it’s truly an honor to be ZubazPants.com’s first ever Rookie of the Year.

I’m not one to pat myself on the back or anything, but now I’m along side many other great past winners of such an award, such as Darryl Strawberry and Lawrence Taylor. Sure they had some drug problems but not everyone is perfect. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, right?

Fuckin’ Chuck Knoblauch won the award as well and I can’t tell you how good it’s going to feel when I hear local radio stations mentioning his and my name in the same sentence. I get goose bumps just thinking about it. People say his career was tainted with his inaccurate throws into the stands, I say that shit was planned out. Chuck Knoblauch = Team player. What a great guy to model yourself after.

Well I think it’s about time I started to thank some people. I’ll start by pulling a “Carmelo Anthony” and just thank myself. I’d also like to thank Jimmy “doesn’t shave his nuts” Byrne for giving all of us the opportunity to write about basically whatever the fuck we want. I never thought being paid for my articles with peanut shells would feel so good, but it damn sure does.

Man I feel on top of the World right now! This award makes me want to just jump on the dance floor and shake my ‘moneymaker’. So before I go and cream my pants I’m going to get the fuck out of here and let this award show go on. So thanks everyone and keep reading my articles even if you hate me.

Roosta Da Neezy ladies and gentlemen, your very own Rookie of the Year.

Zubaz: Maaannnn, thank God he can’t win that award again next year. He’ll prolly write a movie script about accepting the damn thing.

But it truly was a great rookie year for Neezy. From getting linked on Collegehumor.com and tag teaming with Ian Valentine, we can only hope we this year’s Zubaz draft produces some writers like him.

As for the rest of the rookie writers who didn’t win anything…I’m truly disappointed in you…losers.

Our next award will be presented to the worst article written this year. Basically these are the articles the writers should be embarrassed about writing. And I’m sure picking a winner out of them is going to like trying to polish a piece of dog shit.

But before I get too off track, let us bring up one of our best writers to present the Zubie for Worst Article of 2005. Here to present ladies and Gentleman, Peter North!

Cancun: Oh God, that was disgusting! Can someone get me a towel? And hey, I changed my name to Paul Cancun! Get it right! Anyways, what’s a better way to accept the “Worst Article” of the year award than with the worst speech of the year…and there you have it. Thank you.

Zubaz: Actually, that speech was better than half of his articles. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t go home, smoke, and think it would be a great idea to write about the award.

On to our next award of the night, here to present the Zubie for Best Feature, Ladies and Gentleman, give it up for the weirdest redneck this side of the Mississippi…Dominick Lovergene!.

Yer ol’ boy Dom: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp!

Sorry ‘bout dat folks, but theys uh been feedin’ me all types o’ exotic alkyholic beverages back there uh. Yer ol’ boy jus done finished one uh them heiney-kens, and I sure as hell enjoyed it. Hehehehe, on mah way out here-uh, I gave a lil slap on the ass to that Sarah Allen womens. I done think she liked it!

Anyways, y’all folks done called yer ol’ boy up the otha day, tellin’ me ‘bout some ‘ward show, and I tol’ ya I’d be happy to oblige. So here’s I am. Jus’ wanna say one thing though befores I say tha nominees.

Hey, Joshua Ko-hand. I sees you be talkin’ lots o’ shit ‘bout yer ol’ boy. Talkin’ shit like eyes ain’t funny and how yous all mistah ladies man from Nawleans. Well, here’s an offer fer ya. You come on my show and I’ll show ya a real ladies man, how we do it in good ol’ ‘Bama. Yous got the balls boy? Well, then you done best be talkin’ to mah publicist. We’ll be in touch, Honcho De Leon.

Without furtha ado, here are yer nominees …

ZubazPants.com Goes to Oktoberfest

ZubazPants.com’s Roast of Paul “Cancun” Feuer

Take Your Zubaz to work Day

ZubazPants.com Celebrates Lent

Lovergene: And tha winna is … ZubazPants.com Goes to Oktoberfest! Here ah comes Jim Byrne to accept this award.

Byrne: Thank you, thank you. This award would not have been possible without the actual event of Oktoberfest taking place. And if you don’t know anything about it, I suggest you read up. Booze, Brats and a 40-piece German band …that is the basic gist of it, and if you don’t like the sound of that, well then, you can fuck off. It may be the greatest concept ever, and you can bet your ass that there will be a sequel to this feature come that time of the year again. Thank you for the award!

Zubaz: Our next award is giving some love to our fans, because without you guys, this site would be nothing. Because of that, we have designed an award just for you. And one thing most fans don’t know is that beyond our 5-star articles, we also have a glorious forum, which is where our greatest fans reside. And these are the ones that truly deserve some love. So without further ado, here to present Best Forum Member, everyone give it up for the website’s Artistic Director, Nick Camia!

Camia: Even though the ZubazPants.com forum has so many terrific members like mendola, viva la nerm, the webguy, .kelley., HomeyTheClown, z24andy24z, JohnyBlueJeans, under13, druma914, moot the hoople, Sarahb437, C-Money, Coperincus, tenny516, Zman, donshalabong, TeenageWasteland, Big E, Nyquil, Final Option, Livingforthecity, Jackal, flanneltastic, Josh, zwarbyt, Purely Science, BURDICKLAND, erik88, Xtopher, Novaxxx, xXEclipseXx, GOLDBERG, MojoRise’n, RTrunk, kmo1121, shane o mac, slowcarfastdriver, lipgloss, whip it, 7th, Justin, TheDragonAC, jman, abc123, Yankeefan42, wagdizzle, senator, TurtlePants, Jr Bacon Cheeseburger, swiftylugnuts, ghoubi22081, FreddieMac, bbucko521, MattyR, nickipockets, GAM, Anzie Corgan, jan the man, stewie_u_imbecile, SunDevil, KimmyGibbler, Teddy Bigelow, Hound Hair, AnthonyWroteHereForAwhile, SMOKESCREEN, Ross, G-Funk, fr4ank, jo jo, nat oorlog, Chief Bob Strongbow, Aiden Sparro, endlessmike, tetoncorks, Paul, ZeZe the X, zubaz king, Master Zubaz, ronjobins, Waylon Mercy, COMPTON ASS JERRY, Camby, tonyzubaz, ElephantShoe, massiue, Ms Muti, KingOFTheCourt, Jockstrap, thecrow4life, Big Bill Tilden, dnero, Narc, TheGreyWolf, IF THERE IS A HELL ILL SEE, tripledouble, Joanna, Chewbacajc, the other shoenthal, Kdisch, plantor, lingbo, Not a Bitch but a Ho, doubly blessed, madden4life, Brit, ChickenPotPie, Portugeese-Man-o-Suck, … one man, and only one man surpasses them all.

I have personally seen this guy in the mall donning a pair of our very own Zubaz Pants.

For that we smoke a giant blunt in your honor Compton Ass Terry, Forum Member of the Year.

Compton:That’s right, that’s right; continue your long, thunderous standing ovation. Take as much time as necessary; I deserve every bit of it.

All right now that you kids have settled down, I have a few people I would like to thank. First and foremost, on a serious note, I’d like to thank Mr. Jim Byrne, Mr. Nick Camia, and Mr. J.J. Guaragno, for making this entire thing possible tonight. With out these three goons, none of this would be happening tonight, and I would be accepting this award at a much nicer, bigger venue for a better website. Now, on to more important things.

Honestly now, who did you expect to win this award? Joey Scaggs? “FUGGIITTTTABBOOOOUUTT,” you fucking Italian pervert, you barely post on the site, and your grimy, greasy disgusting ass doesn’t deserve this award.

Panty_Theif, did YOU honestly think you were going to win this award? Come on now. I’m more attractive, more intelligent, and just overall a better person and forum member then you are. OF COURSE I won this award, were there any doubts that I wasn’t going to?

On a side note I would like to thank Ian Valentine for teaching me how to be a cocky asshole, so thanks Ian.

Seriously though, for all of the writers, you have done a fantastic job and are probably the reason I won this award. Your writing has drawn more and more people to this website, (Minus Paul Cancun), and in turn having them vote me as forum member of the year, which I will probably win year after year until I decide to retire and move on to bigger and better things. So for all of you forum members itching to take this award away from me, it isn’t happening and ill see you scum-fucks here again next year.

Zubaz: Now that was special. I am really glad ZubazPants.com really does appease the masses. Because the fans really are what it’s all about--

Demolition's music hits ...

Zubaz: What the?!?!?! Well apparently I am not going to be able to finish my sentence, as here to present our Zubie award for 2005 Most original Writer we have Demolition!

Ax: Greetings, fans of Zubaz across the world!

Smash: Hello, hello!

Ax and Smash at the same time: We’re here to …

Smash: God dammit Ax, read the teleprompter right, it’s my turn here … ANYWAYS, we know you haven’t seen much of the Smasher and Ax recently, but we’d just like you all to know we will be back with a column next week, and it is sure to be a goodie …

Ax: You damn straight! … God, who writes this schlock? You damn straight? I sound like a fucking douchebag!

Smash: You are a douchebag though, Ax. Why do you think Vinny Mac replaced you with that fuck Crush back in the day.

Ax::Touche.

Smash: Here are your nominees for most original writer… The newly minted Paul “Cancun” … Matt Fishman … and Isaac Cass …

Ax: And the winner is …

Ax and Smash in unison: PAUL FEU-ERRR … CANCUN!

Cancun: I really am having a hard time taking credit for this award, because I cannot take full credit for my writing. A little help goes to Mary Jane.

She opened my mind to crazy and crazier things. However I decided to break up with her a short time ago and therefore you might see a decline in my originality.

I am going to put this trophy in my Oakley Case right next to my R. Kelly sex tape video. I will have pictures up on the forum of the Oakley Case soon, so stay tuned, and Jesus loves you.

Zubaz: Wow, I think we are all dumber now after listening to that speech. Thanks, Paul. Ok folks, next we have a very special presentation. Our next presentation is dedicated to those who made this site what it is, as without them, this site would not even exist. We have created a special award for these people, and over the years we hope to add many names to this list. Ladies and Gentlemen, here to induct our first member into the ZubazPants.com’s Hall of Fame, Bryan Byrne and the Paizon you love to hate, Joey Scaglionni!

Joey: So uh yeah, these fuckin' zubaz clowns wanted me to do a fuckin' speech to induct these fuckin' guys Jim Byrne and Nick Camia into the Zubaz Hall of Fame.

This fuckin' bald fuck who claims to be Mr. fuckin' Lover Lover Ian Valentine kept on messaging me every fuckin' day to make sure I write my speech.

Guess what Valentine you fuckin' prick, Joey is on Joey time, alright you fuckin' hump. Joey writes shit when Joey wants to write shit, then he gets all the awards, all the women and then he gets linked up to collegehumor.com. Know why because Joey is the fuckin' shit and you all fuckin' know it.

So now back to the task at hand. These fuckin' guys Jim Byrne and Nick Camia. Apparently these fucks have been home boys since they were in the 2nd grade, awwwww how sweet.

They have known each other since they used to pretend they were fuckin' Ghostbusters and also since that fuckin' weirdo Camia used to leave little shits in his toilet without flushin' em for his fuckin' sisters to see.

I don’t know too much else about these fuckin' guys besides that weird shit some of these fuckin' clowns told me to say, so I will let this fuckin' douche bag Bryan Byrne take over from here since he actually knows these fuckin' pricks.

One last thing Bryan, fuck the Jets, BIG BLUE BABY!

Bryan Byrne: Hey Joey, fuck Big Blue, and FUCK you too you fucking greasy Italian piece of dog shit.

OK, so what can I say about Jim and Nick. One is my older brother and one is one of my best friends. If you want to know any dirt on these two guys, I am the guy to come too, because I know it all, every last god damn detail.

I will never forget the first time Jim brought Camia over, when they were in 2nd grade and I was in Kindergarten, and I told Camia that the Hunchbacks from the videogame Castlevania lived in my closet, and it scared the shit out of him.

I will also never forget the time that Camia first explained what sex was to me when it first broke that Magic Johnson had the HIV, and I quote "Sex is when a man and a woman kiss each other all over their bodies."

Or how about the time after Jim and Nick had their first sex education class and explained to me a slide show they watched where one of the slides showed a picture of a dick and said "THIS IS YOUR PENIS." And how Later on that night I embarrassed them while eating a family meal at the Camia dinner table as I lifted up my hot dog on my fork and said "LOOK GUYS, THIS IS YOUR PENIS!"

How can I also not mention the time when Camia found one of his Dad's hardcore porns from the 80's, and how I was traumatized by it at a very young age. I have been quoted as saying while I viewed that first porn, "WHY DOES HER VAGINA LOOK SO MEATY!!!", and after the dude blew his load all over the 80's chick’s ass "WHAT IS THAT STUFF!! CURDLED PEE!?"

So its pretty clear that my innocence was lost at an early age due to these fucks, so without further ado, will the mastermind of this wild operation, and the artist who serves as the backbone of this baby come give your god damn speeches. Welcome the first two members Zubaz Hall of Fame, Jim Byrne and Nick Camia.

Jim: Hahah, what is there else to say that Bryan hasn’t said already. I just want to thank everyone for their hard work and perseverance through the hard times of the beginning through the re-launch and to today. This is a team game, and when one person doesn’t pull their weight, the whole thing sags. But we’ve been a damn good team, and I hope we continue that for many more years. We’ve come a long way since the beginning, so don’t lose focus and sight just yet. It may be tough to mire through all the bickering and in-fighting, but that’s a part of life and what happens when you have so many different personalities working towards one goal. In the end, it makes us better, and this Band of Brothers we have forged cannot not be stopped.

Now, I’ll let the backbone of this site take the mic here … Camia, GO!

Nick Graphics, and two articles. One about strippers and another about a hairy Italian kid. This wouldn't be possible without my computer, so I'd like to thank Adobe Photoshop, Sorenda; the black stripper, Morano for drinking too much alcohol that night in Oneonta, Estelle Winslow, all of the Oneonta sorority skanks for their hate mail, Jambi the Genie, Greg "the Hammer" Valentine, Tony Danza for that episode of Who's the Boss when Tony walked in on Angela in the shower, oh and how could I forget to thank Jim Byrne and his loufa, without them none of this would be possible. Thank you.

Zubaz: Now that was truly heart felt. On behalf of the millions of fans all over the world, and all the writers, I would like to say Thank you. Ok, before I sound like too much of a pussy, lets jump right into our next award ”Best Sports Article of 2005.”And here to present it we have none other than Falcor!

Falcor:Well hello again boys and girls, and the boys and girls club don't think I left you ghetto fabulous people out either. I want to apologize for not being around recently. I had to drop a real big, extra long, fat, and juicy deucy, mm-mmm doesn't that hit the spot! Speaking of hitting, or dropping a home-run deuce in my case, here are the nominations for best sports article on my wonderful favorite site ZubazPants.com. Wooo-Hoo, here we go again!

We have Damien Trilogy who has written Subway Chaos.

Next, a juicy feature, Zubazpants.com Goes to Ralph Wilson Stadium. That is where those chuckleheads the Buffalo Bills play, is it not? Okie-dokie!

Isaac Cass wrote The Many Moods of Matsui, which is about a Japanese turned American baseball icon by the first name of Hideki. I think he wrote the movie I was in too! Isn't that a coincidence Atreyu? I thought so.

Mikey Lucinksi wrote the Top Ten Moments of his life. I think one of them is when he was watching "Sex and the City" on his portable TV at halftime during a football game.

Well there you have it, a-hee-hee. And the winner is...

Isaac Cass "Many Moods of Matsui" congratulations Mr. Isaac, when you come up here give me a kiss on the head and scratch behind my ears, ohhhh yeah, it gives me the chills just thinking about it.

Isaac: Thanks for the award swinemen.

If I ever meet Matsui I'll tell him that his PERVENESS, YEA I SAID FUCKING PERVENESS, won this award.

Hey! Bill Simmons! You wish, you wish your column could live up to this, you white collar shit stain of Elizabeth I.

Jim supporting Simmons: GO SIMMONS! MANNY RULES!

Isaac: Have a good sports year, and remember shaving a beard isn't selling out to the darkside, it's capitalism.

Later Brosephs.

Zubaz: That was…interesting, I suppose. Eh, whatever. Anyways, our next article is for the The 2005 Zubazpants.com Article of the Year. basically, this is for the money shot article. The article that is the equivalent of pulling out and finishing all over her face. Oh man, I’m getting flushed. But here to present this award is none other than your favorite forum member and mine, the winner of 2005’s Best Forum Member, Compton Ass Terry!

Compton:Man, this website really loves me. Not only did they give me an award, now they have me out here doing this. Man, Compton Ass Terry OWNS ZubazPants.com.

But, I would now like to present the nominations for article of the year. These writers have been doing their best, although it may not seem that way at times, to write good quality article, and sadly enough, these are the choices for best article of the year. The nominations are…

Matt Fishman: Jealousy

Joey Scaglionni: Meet Joey

Ian Valentine: Life’s Simple Pleasures

and Isaac Cass: I Can’t Believe It Happened Either

And the winner is…MATT FISHMAN: JEALOUSY!!! Congratulations Matthew, come up here to accept this award!

Fishman: “Jealousy” was a pain in the ass to make, so I’m glad it was voted Article of the Year on ZubazPants.com. I guess I should explain the process of how to make these complex comics.

1) I open Microsoft Paint, which is standard on every computer.

2) I draw like I’m four years old.

3) I try to have a semi-coherent plot.

4) I always have Jim in the comics, but portray him like an asshole boss.

5) I must be the only stick figure. This is because Stick Figure Fishman – who is tiny and insignificant - represents how I picture myself as compared to the rest of society. Just kidding. It’s just easy to draw and stick figures are funny.

For you fans, you will be happy to know that there will be many more adventures of Stick Figure Fishman coming soon. Thanks for the honors!

Zubaz: Now let’s get some chicks in here to break up this sausage party. What better way to break the ice than with the lovely ladies of Zubaz, Serena Valenti and Sara Campos.

Valenti: You know, I kind of like being one of the only girls on ZubazPants.com. I mean, all the guys drool over you, and really what’s better than that? Don’t you think Sara?

Campos: Actually, no. I think it’s kind of creepy actually how all of these guys attack us. On behalf of all of the girls, past and present on ZubazPants.com, especially those on the forum, you guys need calm the fuck down, and leave us girls a lone. You are all extremely creepy. There I am glad I got that out of the way.

Valenti: What ever Sara, prude. Anyways, the nominees for ”Most Original Piece” are…

Pat Curley: Good Morning Burger

Paul Cancun: Blazin’ On the Oregon Trail

Fishman: Spaceship

Mu: United States of Demolition

Valenti:And your winner is…”Good Morning Burger!”

Rasheed:WHAT?! Man this is some BULLSHIT! It took me forever to do that Oregon Trail. I’m gonna piss in that Zubaz award Curley. You better watch your back!

Pat Curley cautiously comes up to the stage

Curley: In accepting this award, I don’t have that many people to thank. I have to give it up to Matt Groening and The Simpson’s. With that episode of The Simpson’s, they turned a normally porn and video game filled day and changed into a day that I will remember for a few more weeks.

I also have to give a shout out to the man of these few minutes that you are reading this acceptance speech, Ray. Without his devotion to the creation of the Good Morning Burger, none of it would be possible.

I should probably mention that he almost died as a result of this article, and that he was hospitalized, and that he now has a heart problem blah blah blah blah blah…God Bless You!

Zubaz: Ladies and Gentleman I am getting word over my headset that we have a physical altercation developing backstage. It appears as though Pompous Douche started an argument with Joey because of Joey’s comments earlier.

We’ll have more on this as soon as information becomes available.

Our next presenter’s have helped solve thousands upon thousands of our fans questions. Whenever our fans have a problem, need advice, or simply just need an answer, these guys use their vast intelligence to help them out. They truly are stand up guys. Without further ado, I give to you, Roosta da Neezy and Ian Valentine!

Roosta: What’s up ladies and gentlemen, and guys who don't get any ass. How's everyone tonight?

(A silence comes over the crowd)

Valentine:Yeah, what’s up losers, It's Ian and Roosta, everyone’s favorite genius’. Lucky for all of you, we had enough time to break away from reading our thousands of questions from you fans to be here tonight.

Roosta: Damn right. So I guess we got stuck presenting this lame ass award. What is it again Valentine?

Valentine:Hey man, it's Best Story of the Year, and it's not that lame, I mean, I am nominated after all for Retards, You Gotta Love ‘Em.

Roosta: Well who the fuck else is nominated?

Valentine:Well not that it matters, but we got Bryan Byrne with St. Patty’s Day Mayhem, Jim Byrne with Panic Room, and Isaac Cass with Fire(works) On The Mountain. How about you do the honors of telling these schmucks who won.

Roosta: Will do Slugger. And the winner for Best Story of the year is... no surprise here. Half of the best Duo of the fan favorite Dear Zubaz.... none other than Ian Valentine!!!

Valentine:Yes! Woohoo! I am the man!

Roosta: Uh oh, wait a minute Ian. I think there must be some kind of mistake. It appears as though you and Jim Byrne have tied. Yes, we have a tie for best story ladies and gentleman, this is unprecedented!

Valentine:Damn it. Well, I must say I am quite surprised. Not because I won this award, that’s not surprising at all, after all, the story I wrote was phenomenal. But I’m surprised I have to share the nominees with that no talent ass clown, Jim Byrne.

This guy doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as me, let alone share an award with me. I’m also surprised I didn’t win best writer considering everyone else sucks. Fishman? Come on. ‘Oh, I suck, everyone hates me, no girls like me, I cry when I jerk off to porn.’ Boring. Now my articles, that’s where it’s at.

So what if it’s always about sex, a one trick pony if you will. That shit rules ZubazPants.com, and someday it will rule IanValentine.com.

But anyways, back to my award. I guess I should thank some people. I would first like to thank my parents for giving birth to such a fine human specimen like myself. I would also like to thank the tongue chewing retards. If it weren’t for those crazy bastards needing my heroic-like care, I wouldn’t have had such an amazing, albeit politically incorrect story to entertain my millions of fans with.

On that note, I’m out of here, I need to go start working on my next article that will inevitably get linked on Collegehumor.com and bring the site tens of thousands more hits. Thanks again everyone.

Jim: I guess I’d just like to “thank” the Oneonta cleaners for not doing their job and forcing me to use a women’s stall … and really, that’s about it. They have given me perhaps the most classic story I can ever tell. If you haven’t read it yet, give it a whirl and tell me what you would have done in that Mission: Impossible-esque situation. My balls were to the wall, almost literally. Thanks again for the award, it will go on my mantle next to my framed picture of Lou Diamond Phillips.

Zubaz: Ladies and gentlemen I now have more information regarding the backstage altercation between Joey Scaggs and Pompous Douche. Apparently, Douche who was none to pleased with Scaggs’ earlier remarks approached Scaggs and started to berate Scaggs. However, because Douche was using words Scaggs did not understand, you know, Cornell education, the big words, Joey took this as fighting words and attacked Douche. Thankfully for Douche, it was broken up by Falcor and Dominick Lovergene as Scaggs was choking Douche with his Italian Horn necklace.

Well we may be in quite a pickle right now. You see, Pompous Douche is, or should I say, was scheduled to present our final award for the night. But now I don’t know. This is quite a problem.

Wait! What’s this?! Is that pompous Douche? Why…I think it is. Yes, yes it is!. Here he is ladies and gentleman, presenting out final Zubie award for the night, 2005 ZubazPants.com Writer of the Year, Pompous Douche!

Douche: I will dispel any rumors you may have heard right now.

Mr. Scaglionni did not choke me with anything. No one broke up a fight. I do not have the time to even allow a person such as he come near a magnificent Cornell alumnus such as myself. These marks around my neck are simply hickies from the numerous girlfriends that I have. It all comes with being the youngest Chief Technology Officer in a Fortune 500 company's history, driving a great car, and having a huge apartment. Joey Scaglionni is just filthy New Jersey scum.

Wait, he is from Long Island? I did not think it could be any worse. Anyway, I am here to present the award for Writer of the Year. Jesus Christ, we are awarding one of the Zubaz idiots with a writing award? These guys are borderline retarded! Most have smoked themselves into a stupor, while the rest sit at home and jack off all day.

Let us get on with this fiasco. The nominees for Writer of the Year are:

Ian Valentine

Fishman

Jim Byrne

Paul Cancun

These four are the best ZubazPants.com has to offer? Holy hell, that is sad. The winner of 2005 Writer of the Year, if you can call him that, is…Matt Fishman.

Great. Whatever. I am out of here, losers.

Fishman: Thank you so much for voting me Best Writer on ZubazPants.com. I put in a lot of work writing for this site, dating back to my first article in July 2004. You were there for the best, such as “A Sad, Sad Tale” and “Sucks,” and the worst, such as “Oh Crap…Video Game Talk” and “Last Minute.”

You may be wondering how I churned out so many articles, especially back in the day, when I submitted a new one every week and a half. The answer is simple: methamphetamine or “speed” as we call it on the streets.

Take a tablet of that shit and you’ll be cranking out more pages than a…a…uh…a page cranker. I’m sorry; I haven’t taken any speed in about 12 hours so I’m losing steam.

Anyway, in all seriousness, it’s really cool that you guys voted me Best Writer. That means it’s time for me to start acting like a diva. For one thing, I’m sick of my terrible headshot. I’m sick of visitors to the site thinking that I’m an ugly freak. I don’t think asking for a different headshot is too much to ask, and my polite requests have been ignored. I mean, I just want them to make this my headshot:

As a matter of fact, I’ll state an ultimatum right here:

Understand? Thank you for your time. Oh, and thanks again for the award.

Jim Byrne and Nick Rude rush up to the stage with a package

Byrne: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down Fish. In honor of this award, I had Rude make a you a very special, new headshot! I know you have been waiting for this for quite some time now …

Rude: Yeah, so, as you will see on the main page right now, you have a new headshot, but right here I have a special, gold-plated headshot for you to take home in honor of this award and your new pic. Enjoy!

Fishman falls to his knees and begins to cry

Byrne:Hahahha, just kidding, here is the real one ...

Zubaz: Alright folks, that brings us to the end of this years Zubie Award show. I’d like to thank you all for coming, and making it through this long ass feature. Take care, God Bless, and Viva la Zubaz!

Questions? Comments? Disagree about some of the winners? If so, email us at Zubazfiles@yahoo.com