Whatever girls these other schmucks pick don’t even matter. Their opinion doesn’t mean shit compared to mine. These girls that I have picked out, these are the girls that really matter. These are the girls that really deserve my attention. These are even the girls I have masturbated to on countless occasions. These are the greatest girls that have ever graced my dirty, pornographic mind. Enough bull shit, let me tell you about them.

10. Larisa Oleynik

You guys probably know this chick better as Alex Mack. This girl single handedly turned me into a loser and made me stay in on Saturday nights to watch SNICK. Even though the show sucked, and it wrecked my socializing on Saturday nights, this girl made me happy to go through puberty.

My prepubescent sweetheart

Just look at her. When I was 14, this girl had a hot smile, the girl next-door look and was cool like a guy, and she even a backwards hat, and you know girls look hot in hats. And don’t get me started on how she could turn invisible. And she’s even my own age! So you know what that means…I have a chance with her. Man she was amazing for my teenage loins.

Just like Scotch, this girl had gotten better with age.

And look at her now. She has gotten hotter with age, and you know she’s only going to get hotter. Future Milf right here. This girl was my right hand’s best friend during my teen years, as she taught me a lot about masturbation. Larisa, if you ever read this, this is as serious as I’ll ever be: I will pay you $1,000 to put out for me. If interested, email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com.

9. Shakira

I think this girl may be the total package. She has the body of a Greek Goddess, she’s blonde, and she has a face that’s just begging to be plastered by my manhood. And holy shit can she dance. And you know what they say about girls who can dance…

I heart Mami’s

And man, look at that ass. This is the exact definition of an onion booty. This thing makes you want to cry it’s so nice. You could bounce quarters off this tight thing. This is so nice, I’d probably wipe her ass for her if she asked me.

Now that’s a badunkadunk

Oh man. I almost forgot. Shakira is Spanish. You know what that means…she’s a Mami. And do you know what’s better than a Mami? Nothing.

8. Sarah Silverman

OK, I’ll be the first one to admit, she isn’t the hottest girl in the world. But you can’t say she is ugly. I know damn well I wouldn’t throw her out of bed. I mean she is cute. And compared to a donkey, she’s gorgeous.

ehhhhhhhh, not bad.

But what she lacks in hotness she makes up for in being hilarious. This chick is funnier than most guys, except me of course. She has a guy’s sense of humor, and displays it all the time, which is damn cool. Which is a huge advantage over her because guys want cool girls, not your typical psycho girl.

I’d still bone her even though she isn’t too hot.

See, she’s not that bad looking. So what if she isn’t the hottest thing in the world. But because she is so damn cool and funny that makes her ten times hotter. So what was your average girl, is now a hot chick. But what’s really weird is I never thought I would rub one out while watching a comedy special, but then she came along. The rest is history.

7. Eliza Dushku

This girl looks like she can kick my ass one minute, or be deserving of my manhood another. Maybe it’s just me, but that makes me want her even more. I’d let a hot girl kick my ass any day. It’s kind of erotic. Some S & M shit right there.

She can kick my ass any day.

And what about those lips? Blah blah blah Angelina Jolie. Who cares about that slut. This is where it’s at. They look fabulous of her hypnotically gorgeous face. And this body, good lord. The only way this body could look any better is if it was straddling my nuts.

but then again, I’d rather have her have this ‘dick sucking look’.

See. Check that shit out. Excuse me while I wipe my lip. I like how that picture makes it look like she’s looking right at you. Actually, I think I like it a little too much. Way too much actually.

6. Kobe Tai

I don’t even know where to start with this girl. Well for one, she’s Asian, so you know she’s a freak. And Asian coochie is a whole new world. And those eyes! I would love to make those slanty eyes open up wide. That’s the kind of shit you could put on your resume.

Gotta love those slanty eyes.

And she’s a god damn porn star. You know what that means? She’ll fuck your ass six ways from Sunday. This girl would give you a ride for your life. And she doesn’t even have morals. You can put it anywhere you want. Pick any orifice you want and stick your dick in there, it’s all fair game. No limits? No Problem.

Insert dirty comment here.

I had a little trouble finding a pick of her where she wasn’t covered in gonad grease, but that’s ok. Those pictures just showed me a few more things she would allow me to do. And that’s more than fine with me. An Asian girl with no morals? It’s about to be D day all over again because she could Pearl Harbor my American ass all day.

5. Gabrielle Union

This girl is beautiful. Not hot, not sexy. Beautiful. This is the kind of girls whose picture comes in a picture frame when you buy it. Her face is blemish free, has a great smile, and is just flat out beautiful.

OK. She’s hot. Lets move on to some good stuff.

But that’s boring. So what if she is beautiful. She looks like she’s just waiting to get corrupted by some guy’s nuts. And by some guy, I mean me. Actually, I bet she is a freak. She probably puts on this whole beautiful front, but behind closed doors she’s all about being crazy and sexy. Yeah, that’s a more fun way of thinking about her.

Oh yeah bitch. Bend over just like that.

Just look at her. She’s practically begging to get piledrived. If I only could Gabrielle, if I only could. Then again, I probably wouldn’t know what to do with you if I had you. I’d be done before I even started.

4. American Gladiator Zap

Who would have ever though a brute of a woman could be hot? Well somehow this womanbeast managed to do it. She’s got the looks, the hot ass blonde hair, and you know she’s going to stay in shape, so you don’t have to worry about her putting on that “I’m comfortable in my relationship so I can gain weight” pounds. And how much do those pounds suck?

She might be huge, but at least she’s got some looks to save her.

And don’t forget, she’s got your back. With those big ass muscles, you can talk all the shit you want to people and no one will do a damn thing. You know why, because no one wants to get their ass kicked by some guy’s girlfriend. So not only do you get a good-looking girlfriend, you get your own private bodyguard. Two for the price of one!

Bodyguard by day, cum dumpster by night.

I guess the only bad thing would be you wouldn’t want to piss her off. I don’t think you could want to be the first guy in the world to be a victim of domestic violence. That could get embarrassing. Well, now that I think about it, she could actually rape the guy. That’s kind of creepy. Hmmmmmm. Actually, I think I like that.

3. Stephanie McMahon

Forget the looks for a second. This girl is the friggin’ daughter of Vince McMahon. The same man who owns the greatest thing in the world, the WWF. For all my life I wanted to be a part of the WWF, and she is born into it. God I envy her. That may be what Heaven is. I only wish I could marry her so I could be married into the greatest company in the world.

She better realize how lucky she is.

OK, now for her looks. Not only does she have the WWF, she is smoking hot. And she’s even got huge ass knockers (thank you plastic surgery). She’s even got that look like she is aggressive as Hell and would turn your testicles inside out in bed. Not that I mind of course.

here I present to you, million dollar funbags.

ok, Fuck Shakira, this girl is officially the total package. She has the looks, the tits, the sex, and of course a multimillion-dollar company I have wanted to be a part of since 1990. But I hear she’s into muscle bound wrestlers. Well, that’s not too far off of what I am, so that’s not a huge problem. So basically, I think I still have a chance. It’s only a matter of time until the WWF is mine, all mine.

2. Dominique Moceanu

This girl stole my heart in 1992. When she was in Barcelona, I was watching her every move on TV. I was in love with her. She actually got me to watch friggin’ gymnastics all summer long. I mean look at her, she’s just so damn cute. She gave Alex Mack a run for her money. I actually had a masturbation threesome once while looking at pictures of both of them while cleaning my pipes.

USA, USA, USA

And the fact she was a gymnast…man that’s hot. Do you know how many ways you could bend, flip, and rotate her ass during sex? She could literally use you a pommel horse and do a dismount all over your face. I can only imagine the possibilities. Incase you haven’t noticed, the way to my heart is through my penis.

Hot as hell and bendy??? Oh yeah, daddy like.

And again, she is my age. So again, it throws my fantasies into overload, as I always tell myself, “Ian, there’s always a chance.” And you know what, there is always a chance. And the one-day I do meet her, mark my words, I am going to bend her ass in every possible direction and plow the hell out of her, even if it takes some roofies.

1. Carmen Electra

Here I present you with the girl I have jerked off to the most in my life. If there’s one thing I can always count on being there, its naked pictures of her to rub one out to. She is fucking amazing. The body, the looks. I think she may be perfect.

This is the picture I have masturbated to the most in my life. I’m Not joking

For real now. Just look at this girl. How is she not the girl you have jerked off to the most? It should be a given. It’s like my dick was made to be rubbed out to her picture. Sorry, I think that may have taken it a little to far.

Here she is, God’s gift to my penis.

But seriously. This girl is amazing. The looks, the body, the tits, and let’s not forget that glorious ass. This is the one girl whose ass I would eat out with out even thinking about it. The things I would do to this girl are probably illegal in 47 states and four continents. But that wouldn’t contain me. OK, this is getting me all worked up. I think I’m going to go rub one out to her one for time for the good ole days. Thanks for some great times, even though it did cost me a lot of toilet paper.

Questions or comments? E-mail Zubazfiles@yahoo.com