O ladies, how I do love thee. The way they smell, the way they walk, god must’ve been an artist to make some of the women that walk around on this beautiful planet of ours. When the idea for an ‘Ode to Women’ came about, I was all-aboard. And while I didn’t get all my picks in our draft (like my soon to be wife Kelly Clarkson) I am happy with the list. Hope you enjoy the write-ups and pin-ups of my ten oh, so beautiful creatures.

10. Karen McDougal

Karen was a staple of the puberty phase of my life, from about 13 years old up until college she was the ‘it girl’ for all Playboy models to live up to. What made my fascination even greater was when my friend, Ray, made a wallpaper collage for the computer of Ms. McDougal in some of her finer poses. Thank you Ray.

A few of the very fine pictures Ray included on that great collage

For Ms. McDougal, or Karen as I like to call her, I saw her as the be-all, end all of beautiful women. And as great as she is, I found out there are better.

Would you turn this down?

9. Charlize Theron

Surprisingly I was able to pick up this hottie from South Africa late in the draft and I couldn’t quite figure out how she last so long. But I think I got it figured out, she plays an ugly woman in every movie she has done in the last three years. Well let us get one thing straight, this is the definition of a woman.

Curves, life is about curves.

So what if she has appeared as a monster or some hick from “North Country,’’ she has also played some pretty good roles and is one of the actresses out there that I would go to see, just to see…if you know what I mean.

Excuse Ms. Theron, but where did you say you hid that banana?

8. Jennie Finch

So in these parts of Zubazpants, I am something of the “sports guy” so how I could go through an entire draft and not pick a hot athlete. Now the thing about Jennie Finch is that, while hot in softball standards and on TV, if you put her against some of the other ‘stiff’ competition in this draft she might not stack up that well.

Jennie really knows how to pitch to the guys.

She does stand at 6’2’’, which for the likes of a little guy like me, is intimidating. But she plays sports, which is a big bonus, and she is good at them which is a huge bonus. So I had to give her the nod over other athletes such as Gabrielle Reese or Brandi Chastain not because she is better than those two but still holds the qualities of a good looking woman who plays sports.

Not the best picture of Jennie, but it shows she can dress up as well suit up.

Thank you Jennie for all you have done for the Softball community, making softball players everywhere want to be a dyke with you.

7. Kelly Ripa

When this loud mouthed actress burst onto the screen I quite frankly…burst(ed)? Man is she hot for an older woman, and I guess she isn’t even that old anymore. But can you imagine how she would sound in bed, she must be like an animal.

Can you say ‘CANS’

I bet during the non-shooting scenes on ‘Regis and Kelly” that Regis is always trying to slip her some line to make her come home with him. And it is Regis making the line so he can play it off like he is just fucking around, and then when he sees that maybe she might be into it he pounces on her like a rabbit with that pervert Gelman watching on.

CAMEL TOE!!

Regis you dog, how I envy you.

6. Jennie Garth

I’m starting to think I have a thing for girls named Jennie, who knows. Towards the end of the days I watched “90210’’ she was really the only reason worth watching. Yea, Tiffany Amber-Theissen was on the show and that’s all well and good, but she was looking more like a whore than that sweet Kelly we all loved.

Still Kelly, and still hot.

Jennie Garth had some class on that show, she was only going to put out to Dylan and that other guy who ran the ‘Peach Pit after Dark.’ I’ll take that type of girl over a whore any day..kinda like the Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie debate, Aniston any day!

Why did Dylan ever give up on Kelly?

She is now on some show on the WB11 with Amanda Bynes, and I’ll find myself flipping through the channels and come across that show and just sit there remembering those 90210 days.

5. Sarah Michelle Gellar

O Buffy where art though now? Another high school favorite, I toyed with the idea of buying a “Buffy” poster for my room, but that was crossing the line and I saved it for another girl a little further down.

If I had seen this picture as a poster it would have been on my wall…and it would have been stained.

If there was something I had planned to do every Monday night it was to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the only reason I saw some movies was to go see Sarah. It’s too bad she went and married a punk like Freddie Prinze. Another thing that was a bit of a turn off on Buffy was the scene in ‘Cruel Intentions’ where she wants to fuck her brother, G-Ross.

Not so G-Ross here and might even make up for wanting to have sex with her brother.

Where is she now though? Please Buffy, make a new movie so I can sit in the theatre all by myself with lube in one hand and my --- in the other.

4. Rachel McAdams

I may have taken Rachel a little bit early on in the draft, but I knew the sneaky son of a bitch Camio was going to try and steal her from underneath me, literally. While the consensus amongst our little group of writers and forum members is that light skinned girls are no good, I remain a devoted follower of the Irish pigment.

And she talks to fat guys, I might have a chance.

How could you turn her down, in every movie she looks completely different. One movie she’s a redhead, then a blonde, then a brunette. Everything you have ever wanted, she has. Not to mention she has been in movies with Lindsay Lohan, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Ray Fiennes and Christopher Walken. Get those people in a room for a party and see what happens.

McAdams (2nd from left) never made Christmas look so good, even for Jews.

Rachel, call me?

3. Tapanga

Boy Meets World, the only reason any puberty driven guy watched this show was to stare at Tapanga. Now, last I heard Tapanga went to college after the show ended and became a complete whore.

You have no clue how hard it is to find a picture of Tapanga, I mean why aren’t there more, am I the only one who has this fascination with her? Can’t be. Can we get the paparazzi on this.

Whore or not, she looks damn good in this photo that I found.

This might not even be her, but I’m going to pretend it is

So Tapanga, just when you think you don’t have any friends left and you have to turn to hooking on the streets of Las Vegas, remember, you have a friend in ZubazPants.com

2. Anna Kornikouva

Here was my girl back in the day. The girl that I did wind up buying a poster of my freshman year of college at Northeastern was best remembered for her spread eagle pose.

She can serve it, but can she take it.

Now in this space I would like to call out Jimmy from Boston, that son of a bitch put a mustache on my girl Kornikouva’s poster. I’ll never forget that you fuckin’ prick. If/When you read this remember, the Red Sox suck, remember who first got you to drink and when I tell Enrique Inglesias about what you did to Anna’s poster he is going to come after your Greek ass.

I will get my revenge Jimmy, and if I don’t Enrique will.

By the way, in case you didn’t know it, Anna is a piece of ass and if you didn’t love her back in the day, than you don’t have testicles.

1. Jessica Alba

I once read a quote from Jessica about how she was cast for her latest movie because she was a good actress and not just because she is good looking. Let me tell you something Jess. YOUR WRONG! Your movies suck, I mean they are horrible. Did anyone even see “Honey” or know another movie she is even in?

This is a highlight from her movie, clearly no acting…but she doesn’t even need to act. Just dance, shake your ass and when you can’t get any roles doing that; take off your clothes. Please.

Probably her best performance was in “Entourage” when she just twirled around and said “Girls everywhere” simply amazing. That is what is getting you all those quality roles.

Big fan of that shirt, keep up the good acting.

Anyway, I love you Jessica and you can star in my home movie any day. And it won’t be just because your good looking, I think you can really act too.

Questions? Comments? Hard-on? Email zubazfiles@yahoo.com … actually don’t email me us if you have wood. Thank you.