By ZubazPants.com on 5-3-2006

Sitting home one night deciding if I should watch porn or not I was flipping throughout the channels and bumped into, The Little Mermaid. Halfway through the movie it froze and Ariel came out of the screen and pulled me into her sex fantasy.

She might be a mermaid but she can fuck like an animal! We went at it like rabbits and then the movie ended.

I was awakened that night by sounds of the ocean and sitting right next to me was this slut:

I ended up hooking up with her and then she gave me her number.

The next morning I went to work and the first girl I saw had a fucking fin! I was able to turn these hot ass bitches into fine, sexifying mermaids.

She gave me the sex eyes and I went back to her place. We drowned in a sea of sex and I never saw her again, but it didn’t matter. I was suddenly able to turn every girl I saw into a smoking Mermaid with a coconut bra on.

So when I need to end my dry spells I put in a call to the sea. Down where’s it wetter, down where it’s better, under the sea.

Zubaz writer Mu has become a shape shifter, which means he could take on any shape of anything he chooses. Here are some of the quality choices he chose to shift into for various reasons:

The gap in Madonna’s teeth that makes everyone nasty

Beaker, one of the Muppets.

The freckles on Neve Campbell’s nose.

The white cat from Heathcliff the cartoon that always rapped when he talked.

Maria from the board game, Guess Who. She’s the one in the red beret for sure. Yea, you’d nail the shit out of her wouldn’t you? Yeah.

Little Chinese Boy from “The Goonies” and “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”

Ludo, the beast from the movie “Labyrinth.” I like the way he talks. He’s a simple monster-beast.

And last but not least:

The wooden spoons or stick type things that you used to use to eat the half chocolate/half vanilla cups of ice cream. I’d save the chocolate for last because it’s better like that. BOOYAH!

Despite missing out on the Zubaz family dinner like Doug Enemy, Michael Lucinski, a mild-mannered staff writer for a major metropolitan website, gained fantastical powers over the world of sports bar trivia games and Newsweek.com online quizzes thanks to an unfortunate exposure to a toxic dose of Bill Maher’s ego!

More annoying than a garbage truck backing up at 3 a.m., faster than a wiffle ball to the groin on America’s Funniest Home Videos, able to leap Ben Wallace’s afro in a single bound, Michael Lucinski has become …

Inane Trivia Man!

SEE! him ruin games of Trivial Pursuit with family and friends!

“I can’t believe you didn’t know that Millard Fillmore became the 13th president of the United States after the death of Zachary Taylor in 1850. You’re so stupid, Grandma. Go back to the nursing home.”

MARVEL! as he annoys the guests at you’re house party!

“Jupiter’s Big Red Spot is a storm that’s as large as the Earth! Sure, I’d love to play ‘Asshole.’ Wait, we’re not playing? Then why did you say ‘Asshole’?”

AMAZE! at his inability to score with women!

“And that’s why George Lucas had to call Return of the Jedi by the name Blue Harvest during production. So, are we going back to your place, or mine?”

Inane Trivia Man is coming soon to a theater new you! Starring Shia LaBeouf as Inane Trivia Man, Betty White as his gal pal and John Lithgow as the villainous Dictionary Baron, prepare for nonstop action as Inane Trivia Man must defend the World Scrabble Championships from danger!

Don’t miss it!

My super power allows me to enter the television world as a reality. Upon first discovering this I had some fun going into the TV and befriending Zach Morris, who by the way is a lot more pleasant than his earthly stand in Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Zach and I had some good times at Bayside High playing pranks on Mr. Belding and chomping down burgers at The Max. I even made it with Lisa Turtle much to Screech’s dismay. The whole affair was spoiled though when Lisa’s friend Jesse rallied her into abstinence. I later sold Jesse some caffeine pills knowing full well she would start to abuse them.

Saved by the Bell shenanigans soon got old and I started to beat around another block to get my kicks, I found myself taking advantage of Big Bird down on Sesame Street. Big Bird sure liked bondage. I insulted the big yellow canary and pulled its feathers after tying it down and fed it drugs provided to me by the Count. The Count and I were on the same page as far as corruption went.

I spent many months on Sesame Street, I found that Snuffelupagus ran the whole block with his cocaine ring with Oscar the grouch being his enforcer, those were the ones to watch out for. Big Bird was everybody’s bitch, Just ask Kermit where to get a good blow job and he’ll tell you 123 Sesame Street in the canary nest above the garbage heap. Bert and Ernie were the last ones to realize that they were in fact in love with each other. They continue to deny this despite sharing a basement apartment also on 123 Sesame Street.