By ZubazPants.com on 5-3-2006

I am going to be upfront about this. I wasn’t there at the Zubaz family dinner, so I missed the whole toxic spill thingy. But, while I may look like a fairly ordinary guy, there is a secret that I have been hiding for quite some time. I do not know if I kept this secret to protect myself or perhaps the ones I love, but I feel it is now time to reveal to the world my ultimate secret. I am the famed Chap Who Finishes People’s Sentences!

Yes it is true, I Doug Enemy am truly no enemy at all. I am a guardian of peace, a protector of civility, or someone who can be incredibly annoying. My gift, my curse, is my ability to finish anyone’s sentence before they have the chance to.

I discovered my gift as a young lad in grade school. By me finishing the teachers’ sentences, they believed that I was amazingly smart, and eventually it led to me being placed into various accelerated programs. This continued on through my life in the professional world, and despite my great success I felt I was wasting my gift. I was able to broker deals between world superpowers and garner peace throughout the lands I traveled, and sometimes even pick up chicks. However, there was a larger calling that I heard. And one day, I decided to answer it ...

When I realized just how aggravating my gift was for other people, I decided to use this negative factor against evil. Why are most bad guys bad? Because they are ego-maniacs, who want to feel superior to all others. Apparently, when having a conversation with another, they do not appreciate being cut off with their own words. I believe they feel word raped. So, I used my power to thwart various villains and their villainy.

I was able to escape the capture of the man who robbed a bank on 39th St in Manhattan and was holding me hostage simply by interrupting his monologue and turning his words against him. Eventually he could not stand my torrid verbal attacks and untied me. As soon as my shackles were loosened I punched him in the face, making his nose bleed a little. It was a glorious victory.

My superpower is like no other, baby. The other day I awoke and realized that I may just be the most powerful force on the planet.

You are all lucky I am such a nice guy or I could literally control this world with the tips of my fingers. I now have the power to instantly give anyone the haircut of a young boy, ages 4 - 12. Or as it is popularly known around this world, "The Boy Cut.”

Now that is a "BOY" if I ever did see one

Instead of using my powers to take over this planet, I will use them to fight everyday street crime. For instance take this common street thug mugging an unsuspecting man in broad daylight.

Before he knows what the fuck hits him, Bryan swoops in and ZAP! YOU GOT THE BOY NOW TOUGH GUY! NOT SO TOUGH ANYMORE, HUH!?

Now here, see as this poor woman is being assaulted by an out of control mascot.

This Lion wont will no longer be the "The King of the Jungle" when I come out of left field and turn his intimidating main into the haircut of a pre-pubescent boy. BAM! YOU GOT THE BOY NOW.

BOY

So what did you scummy street thugs learn today? You learned that your days of mischief and senseless crime ARE OVER. Go ahead, try and take the 90-year old woman's purse, I dare you. Before you know it I'll have prisons across this nation filled with perps looking like this ...

So be afraid criminals ... be very afraid.

The other morning, I woke up on my couch and much to my dismay, MTV’s “Yo Momma” was on the television.

As any man would, I let out a loud shriek and passed out from the horror of witnessing such an abortion of a television program.

When I came to, I was sadly once again face-to-face with the hellbeast that is Wilmer Valderamma.

Their ain’t much worse than waking up to this ugly mug

I threw my hands up to cover my eyes, and put my head down in fear of my eyes melting out from their sockets.

But then something funny happened. Instead of hearing lame-ass “yo momma” jokes from circa 1994, I thought that I heard the sweet, melodic voice of Dauber from the hit show “Coach.”

To try and see if my ears were deceiving me, I spread my fingers out across my eyes to take a peek.

And let me tell you, I was never so glad to see Jerry Van Dyke.

But how the hell did “Coach” get on the channel? The cable box still said that MTV was on, but I sure as hell wouldn’t expect the botards that run that station to appreciate a piece of cultural gold like “Coach.”

I changed the channel to Lifetime to see what the hell was going on, and as usual, Judith Light was in the process of being thrown down the stairs. I shook my head and waved my hand at the screen, dismissing the strange occurrence that had previously happened.

When I did that though, I was once again greeted by the warm smile of none other than Craig T. Nelson as he appeared on the screen spinning a yarn from his childhood for one of his Orlando Breakers.

“My god,” I thought, “what the hell is going on here?!” I changed the channel again, putting on HBO. I pointed one finger at the screen and again, “Coach” came on the screen.

“Holy fuck,” I muttered out loud. “I can change any show on any channel to ‘Coach’ at any time with a simple wave of my hand! SUH-WEEEEEEEET!”

What a Super Power I was blessed with! No matter what is on TV, “Coach,” the classic show that ran from 1989-1997, will always be on for me if you catch my drift. If I’m not in the mood for any of the crap that’s on the tube at that particular moment, I can always switch over and check in on the hilarious antics of Dauber and the gang.

Who doesn’t love this guy?!

And you don’t even know how big of a hit at parties I am. Every chick is all over me at every moment, because they know that I have the power to bring them “Coach” whenever the fuck they want. Talk about easy access to the panties, “Coach” is a chick magnet like no other.

Thanks, Guys!

Fuckin’ “Coach,” baby! YEAH!

Forget whatever super powers all these other schmucks managed to get, what I got is the real deal. I have been blessed with super human leg hair. I mean, this stuff is amazing. It grows to extraordinary lengths at my will, it is super duper strong, and I can control what it does. This my friends, is what I call a super power. Like Right Guard Sport Stick, anything less would be uncivilized.

For one, I have been able to use this power for the good of mankind. Just the other day I saw some starving, one-legged, homeless guy stealing a loaf of bread for his family, but my leg hair was thinking otherwise. Quickly, I grew my hair out and wrapped him and his crutch up in it before he could get away and held is stank ass there until the cops could come and haul him away in the paddy wagon. He kept screaming stuff like “please let me go, my kids need to eat, my family is dieing!” Sorry punk, not on my watch.

Hell, forget about mankind, this super power has also benefited me to ginormous levels too. Like Dr. Octopus from Spiderman I have been using these things as feet, they have helped me lift up girls skirts from across the room, and they have helped me pick pocket dozens of people from dozens of feet away. And don’t even get me started about masturbation. Having all these leg hairs do whatever I want is like orgy wonderland with a few hundred hands. Some on my nipples, some on my balls, some on my dick, and some playing with my butt. Sound disgusting? You bet it is. But lets face it, it feels kind of peculiar, and I like that.

I guess that’s all I have time to tell you about today. The Zubaz powers that be tell me I can’t talk too much because I can’t take up everyone else’s talking time, and plus I don’t want to give away too much of my identity. Who knows what the government would do to me if they captured me. But if you ask me, they are probably just jealous of my leg hair, hell I would be. I mean what else can help prevent crime, help you walk, steal, lift up girls skirts and have a monotonous orgy? Nothing, that’s what. And you know what that is? Super.