Finally.

After a looooooong wait, and much hard work and perseverance, ZubazPants.com has finally re-launched itself. And god damn does this feel good!

Ever since I purchased this domain name back in late April of 2004, I have dreamed of running a website like the one you see before you today.

While the site we here at ZubazPants.com ran for the past year or so had been sufficient in getting our writing and ideas out to the world, let’s face the facts, it was an eyesore for anyone that took a gander at it. Sure, Nick Rude’s graphics and other artistic works were sexy to look at, but the main design of the page looked uglier than Sloth from The Goonies and had half the charm that that Baby Ruth chewin’ abomination possessed.

We here at ZubazPants.com—which is a collection of writers, artists, designers and damn good friends and brothers I have made from my days in early elementary school to college at the University at Buffalo—knew what we had to do to take our game to the next level. We needed a god damn makeover.

So, with the graphic expertise of one Nick Rude, the ingenuity of web guru JJ Guaragno, hard work from most of the staff, and a little push from yours truly, what we present to you today is a labor of love.

We bring you the new and improved ZubazPants.com, a site that we hope will bring you much joy and laughs in your readership of it, and one that you tell all your friends about.

The Internet is now OURS to be had.

Now, onto the first spin of madness in this new Ferrari of a website.

Seeing as how we needed to overhaul the site, I decided to go on a mission to seek out each writer in their respective locale to get them to put in a unique effort to better this place. I wanted to know what each of these sick fucks was going to bring to the table. So, first off, I went to Ian Valentine and asked him to spin an introduction as to what the makeover means for this site as best he could.

Between segments I will be coming back to introduce the next segment (my writing will be in italics from here on out).

Ian Valentine

After many months of talking about it, ZubazPants.com is finally getting a much-needed facelift. No longer will our appearance be some inside joke on the World Wide Web. No longer will our site look like it was some high school computer project. And no longer will we be just another website.

It is a dawn of a new era for ZubazPants.com. With our new look, only the sky is the limit, and we are well on our way to being an Internet Superpower, and giving us writers exposure and getting noticed so we can eventually sell out to websites that actually pay.

But will it really? Will this new and improved look really do anything for this site and us writers? Will it bring us more followers? These ideas got me thinking. Maybe it wouldn’t turn us into this omnipotent force after all. Maybe it won’t really do anything at all besides provide eye candy for dozens and dozens of people who are regulars for the site. This upset me.

But then it hit me. Re-vamped new looks have a history of changing things around. New looks have a past of turning seemingly docile, piss-poor organizations into powerful forces that rule the world. Certain organizations went from nothing to everything seemingly overnight, and solely because they changed their look.

Don’t believe me? Lets take a look.

Exhibit A

For years upon years the Denver Broncos were just another team in the NFL. They weren’t the worst team, but they damn sure weren’t the best team. They were just there. Then they changed their logo. And what do you know. . . that very same year the Broncos won the NFL Championship. Was it because of John Elway? No. Was it their sick defense? No. It was solely because they changed their logo. Truth be known.

Exhibit B

The New England Patriots. I don’t think I have to remind you that the Patriots are ridiculously good. But might I remind you that several years ago they sucked more dick than a crack whore? But what was it that changed them around you ask? Well even though they had a damn cool old logo, as soon as they changed it, they turned into a super power of the NFL. Their old logo, and only their old logo was obviously holding them back, for as soon as they ditched it, the load was lifted off their shoulder, and the rest is history.

Exhibit C

Even though the Buccaneers had one of the best logos in the history of history, they were boys amongst men in the sports world. Plain and simple: they were the jobbers of the NFL year after year. But similar to the teams mentioned previously, they changed their look, and all of a sudden became a team to reckon with. They became so good, that they won the championship not too long after they changed their look. Not because of their defense, not because of their new coach. It was 100 percent because of their new look.

Exhibit D

Last but not least, the WWF. In the early 90’s this federation was a joke of the whole world. People laughed at it and ridiculed it. More or less, it was the laughing stock of the sport and entertainment industry that had few fans, and made even less money. Then the WWF changed its logo, and boy did things turn around. The company went from a small, barely making any money corporation to a multimillion-dollar industry with hundreds of thousands of fans. And of course it wasn’t because of the new style of wrestling, better wrestlers, or because Hogan finally left town. It was solely because of the revamped logo.

By now you are probably wondering what my point is with this. Well you must be an idiot if this is the case, because my point is simple and obvious. These organizations changed from pantywaist losers to extreme powerhouses seemingly overnight. And no it wasn’t because they changed aspects within the organizations. It was all because of the new look, and nothing else.

Not that we are the lowest website on the totem pole or anything, because we aren’t. But history repeats itself. So if they did it, obviously we are going to do the same thing. But it’s only a matter of time before we are a super power of the Internet, and dominating the World Wide Web.

Watch and see.

Up next, I ventured to the Island that is Long for a special chat with one Matthew Fishman. I had a very special request for him, and I was hoping that he would accommodate my wishes in the name of ZubazPants.com.

Matt Fishman

Next up was a trip down to Washington D.C. to meet with the one and only Michael Lucinski. He had told me that he constructed a ZubazCave for all of our top-secret meetings and such, and now we wouldn’t need the hidden “Braintrust” section of the forum anymore to sneak around and chat in private.

Yes, in this cathedral of all that is Zubaz, we could run around and act like perverts all we wanted without any fear of repercussions. This place would be the Mecca of Zubaz, but we needed a way to pay for this goliath.

Lucinski informed me that he had a brilliant—albeit sinister—idea.

Michael Lucinski

At Zubazpants World Headquarters (just to the left of Cobra’s Giant Snake Temple #14 and three doors down from Pat Summerall’s Lazarus Pit) we were kicking the ol’ ball of electrical tape around, trying to figure out how to best revamp our beloved website.

As we lounged in front of a roaring fire fueled by California Redwoods, sitting in our Corinthian leather recliners sipping Port from glasses tightly clutched in our fists, a wondrous idea popped into my head.

Something so beautiful, so innocent and pure I could barely contain myself. Imagine seeing spent lovers Anna Benson and Kate from “Lost” delicately (and nudely) caressing each other while fuzzy baby penguins waddle around at the foot of the bed. Next to the beauty of my idea however, the two ladies look like a blue whale caught in an Iraqi oil fire.

(Wow, that paragraph made me tired. Hold on while I catch my breath.)

(Okay. I’m ready.)

We should charge people to view the best of Zubazpants.com – Zubazpants Premium.

ESPN.com does it. The Onion does it. The UN fluffers at The New York Times are thinking about it. Why not we, the greatest thing to hit the Internet since Yahoo.com’s video search feature that lets you look up lesbian pornography?

Not all of Zubazpants.com would be locked behind a door that opens only with a government-approved picture of President Grant. Readers would still get some free articles. Readers would get a tantalizing taste of our sweet, sweet Zubaz-flavored candy. What’s the flavor of that candy? Checkered plaid, I imagine.

Sure, you all love reading Ian’s deflowering tales and shaking our heads at Fishman’s spun yarns of woe, but do you think those stories are the best Zubazpants has to offer?

Hilarious as they are, they are but the tip of the capitalist iceberg.

For a small, once-a-month fee of $49.95 readers will receive insights into the deepest yearnings and blackest secrets of the Zubazpants soul. After your check clears or we take your soda bottle back to the recycling center, you’ll have access to the following features:

· ZuBlogs – Do you want to know if we ate Count Chocula or Frankenberries for breakfast this morning? How many times girls reject Mike Scott’s advances in a single afternoon? Are you on pins and needles waiting to find out what I think of the recent special Congressional election in the Ohio Second? Be sure to make ZuBlogs your home page for our minute-by-minute reactions to the Bills’ October 9 tilt against the Miami Dolphins.

· ZuPods – Like ZuBlogs, but without the written text! Now you can download our innermost thoughts to your MP3 Player so you can take Zubazpants with you at work or at play. Download our mini-radio programs so our opinions on politics, sports and Nintendo video games fill your head … and your soul. Burrowing deeper and deeper into your core being our ZuPods. Soon, after the days, months, weeks and year, you’ll forget all about your friends, family and lose the ability to make left turns. All that will be left … is Zubaz.

· ZuGames – How many drunk freshmen can you hookup with at PJ Bottoms in one night? Wanna be your own Michael Wilbon and string together invectives castigating Isaiah Thomas? How many embarrassing/sweltering teenage jobs can you perform before boredom/heat stroke sets in? Do you want to know what it feels like to be a Republican for 24 hours? Try our ZuGames – the best inane Flash games this side of the Internet has to offer! The PS3 will look like crap by comparison.

Concerned that you’re spending too much money on Zubazpants Premium and not enough on your daughter’s insulin? Banish those thoughts! For every dollar you give to us, 1/20th of a cent goes to the Krakatoan Orphan Relief Fund.

Zubazpants.com – The size of our Zubazpants are matched only by the size of our hearts.

Now feel free to laugh your ass off.

For many years, the man known as Chris Caron was without a name of his own. Of course, his name was ACTUALLY Chris Caron, but he never felt comfortable in this title that was placed upon him. He was just an enigma, struggling internally to “find himself.”

So, I challenged this shell of a man who would even refer to himself in confused fashion as “Howie.” I shut down ZubazPants.com and sent the motherfucker on a mission to find himself. And fortunately for the future of ZubazPants.com, “Chris Caron” obliged.

Something happened on that trip however, and Chris Caron never came back …

DUN DUN DUN!

Chris Caron/Damien Trilogy

How did it come to this? Zubazpants.com has been on hiatus for over a month now. I had nowhere to write, nowhere to get my important thoughts out to the world. Chris Caron I used to be, but now I find myself in a deep well. Trapped by all the darkness, I should have never listened to Jim Byrne when he said that the new Zubazpants.com would come out shortly. DAMN YOU BYRNE!!!!!

WHOO HAHAHA, FIRST I SHUTDOWN ZUBAZPANTS.COM NOW I’LL MAKE FUNNY DRUNK FACES WITH IAN VALENTINE!!

So what was I to do without writing? I decided to go find myself. After starting out in Yorktown, NY I worked my way down to New York City. Caught the seven train out to Shea Stadium only to be met by 18-year old pregnant Spanish women and teenagers with colored hair. Amongst them I found former Brave and current racist John Rocker.

Me: John, you have been through some tough times. Did you find yourself after talking shit about the city of New York and then being booted to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and then being cut by the Long Island independent baseball team?

John Rocker: Go fuck yourself.

I’m not only the President of the Hick club, I’m also a client.

Well, that wasn’t quite what I was looking for. So I left New York and traveled by foot out to Cleveland. Surely, the city of the Indians and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would give me answers to who I am.

I walked and walked around the city for hours till I got to the Hall of Fame. When I walked inside I found Jon Bon Jovi rocking out on the bottom floor.

Me: Surely, my idol Jon Bon Jovi, you must know how I can find myself.

Jon Bon Jovi: Well…You gotta hold on to what you got, it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we got each other and that’s…It’s my life and it’s now or never, cuz I ain’t gonna live forever…I’m gonna lay you down on a bed of roses, for tonight…Just a city boy, born in raised in South Detroit, he took a midnight train going anywhere…Have a nice day.

Ok, so that was really awkward. I’m pretty sure he started saying the lyrics from a Journey song too. But it did give me a good idea, time to take a midnight train to South Detroit. Kind of against the song, but I got good news…I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

I hit Detroit with a bang, literally. I shot two people in the head and am currently on the run from the cops. Gotta be a gangsta in Detroit. Luckily I find Eminem’s house, who just happens to be shacking up with Mark Walberg. Walberg however, still believes he is the character from Four Brothers.

Me: Eminem, you fit in with so many different types of people and Mark Wahlberg you produced Entourage, you guys must know how I can find myself.

Eminem: Yo, you gotta chill wit Dre and 50. Those cats will show you how to put a cap in a cop and you’ll find yourself.

Wahlberg: All those cops are fucking corrupt, fuck the police. I’m looking for the guy who killed my mother!!

Weird, I’m out, peace.

Out into the Colorado Mountains I go where I found Ian Valentine sitting in the mountains.

Me: Ian, what have you been doing since Zubazpants.com has gone on leave?

Ian: Well, I have been sitting here in the Colorado Mountains thinking about hook up stories and making up new names for people. For example, I have given myself the name Ian Valentine…sexy I know.

Me: Well, what about me? Do you have a nickname for me?

Ian: Well, lets think about this. What is a series of articles, three articles perhaps?

Me: A trilogy?

Ian: YES!! A Trilogy, a DAMIEN TRILOGY!!!

Valentine Date-raped me then threw me down the well!!

Then he threw me down a well. And that’s where I am now. Sitting in a well. Hopefully my new superpowers as Damien Trilogy will help me get out.

What is there to say about Mike Morano besides “This guy has to be on some serious fucking drugs?”

…

…

That was a question, you are supposed to answer me.

Oh well. Well, anyway, Morano is well known as a dominator of all things Nintendo. He is the king of video games, and has always been ever since I met the lad. The man has the fastest “press A fast” trigger finger in the entire world. Obviously, his challenge to help ZubazPants.com would have to do with Nintendo and his master skills of the “Entertainment System.”

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the newly Christened … MU!

Mu

I challenged ZubazPants.com to a round of Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. That game was classic, and still is as a matter of fact. Definitely one of those games you search for every few months to give you that classic flavor.

Well, I had to take on ZubazPants.com with the winner taking home a brand new MAKEOVER. Fucking RIGHT I had to beat that motherfucker zubazpants.com, or I don’t think I could have shown myself around the neighborhood block one day longer.

It was literally myself versus a computer, an actual website using the controller to press Z to shoot. Only zubazpants.com would choose ODDJOB as their character let me tell you. Bastard.

For those that don’t know, or those that need a refresher course in BARONSAMEDI 101, then Odd Job was one of the characters you could pick if you beat the game. Everyone always wanted to be Odd Job because he was a short motherfucker so no one would be able to shoot him. Anyway, I suppose “.com” had to be a pervert, so I went with the bland choice of SIBERIAN SPECIAL FORCES. You know, the guy that blended in with the fucking snow. “It” wanted to use the weapons with the cougar MAGNUM, so I went for the facility.

“TURN AROUND one time, TURN AROUND two time, TURN AROUND three time, PUSH PLAY, YEAH!”

The Triple S didn’t save Siberian Special Forces on this fateful day .

ZubazPants.com: 10 Kills, MU: 8.

A tough defeat for anyone, but maybe with this makeover, Zubazpants.com will be something historic. It will now go down in history as the best internet website ever created.

Traveling to the desolate land known as Western New York, where only Paul Feuer has remained since the majority of ZubazPants.com graduated from the University at Buffalo, I knew my trip would be a lot like Luke Skywalker’s in The Empire Strikes Back. Braving across the artic land, I eventually made it to his house, and challenged him to answer me one question.

I told him that this answer was a key to the success of our website, and that we would not survive without letting our audience know of it.

“Well, what the hell is the question?” Feuer asked of me.

“You want to know?” I challenged him. “You really want to know?”

“Tell me GOD DAMMIT!” he said.

I knew he was about to have one of his “Paul Snaps” moments, so I didn’t hesitate any longer.

“Who the FUCK are you, Paul Feuer?”

Paul Feuer

Who is Paul Feuer?

As Zubazpants.com celebrates its new look, you might still be asking yourself, “Who is this Paul Feuer guy?” The guy that got his own feature for doing absolute shit and has never been to a football game in his life.

Well the first thing you should know about me is that I have red hair. Why should you know this? Because it instantly makes me 78 percent uglier than the rest of the population, that’s why. There’s a stat that says red heads are one of the ugliest breeds going in the U.S. today.

Especially in daylight.

When that sun shines down on my hair I look like a freaking pumpkin head, to go along with pale pasty skin. That’s why redheads have to keep their hair short, cause we’d be un-mateable if we did grow our hair out.

Plus this shit grows like wildfire; I have to Nair my eyebrows at least once a week to keep a set going.

I used to have an AC Slater mullet when I was in 3rd grade and I remember a story that shattered any love I had for my hair. A woman in the library came up to my mom and I and said, “your daughter has such beautiful hair!”

My mom laughed and said, “oh he’s my son.”

They shared a hardy laugh and I smiled but man I could not have been more defeated. How bad of a blow is that to the ego? I’m trying to score chicks in my grade, thinking I’m the #1 stunner and people think I’m a girl. Some girls prolly thought I was lesbo for a while.

Then one night while indulging in my favorite TV show “Blind Date”; I was watching some guy start talking about red heads. He said and I quote him verbatim, “there are no attractive redheads alive, it’s just not possible.”

That was it, I was outraged. I screamed at the TV, cursed out the window, and went to the mirror. Then I started to think about what if he was right. Maybe I am just so used to looking at myself in the mirror that the ugliness is not seen by me anymore.

Like when you walk into a room you don’t even notice the painting on the wall because you’ve been looking at the same picture for 10 years, kind of like that.

Ask anybody right now to name a famous red head and you know what you’ll get? These guys:

the real 40 year old virgin

I heard his pubes are made of fries

A couple years ago I even tried the bleach blonde look. I was a little late though as I did it my sophomore year of college when bleaching was two years out of style. I felt like such a fruitcake walking into class with Clorox white hair. My dad called me a cornflake, I don’t know if he was talking about my head or if he came up with a new “toolbox” word.

I almost feel bad about conceiving one day. Because chances are that kid will have red hair. How many hot redhead girls do you know? I bet you can’t even count them on one hand including celebrities. (Ariel from Little Mermaid doesn’t count)

if only I was mermaid….

So next time you’re looking in the mirror and getting sauced up wondering what you should do with your hair, pluck one out, look at it, and tell it how much you love it. Because it could have been worse, you could have had a red head.

You probably have been finding yourself turning down sex recently because it’s been coming too easy. You asshole.

Last but not certainly least, there is Nick Rude.

When I arrived at his house in Yorktown Heights, NY, I noticed that he had left a note on his door …

Nick Rude

Well, that about does it for our little featurette here, I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you enjoy the new and improved ZubazPants.com.

Spread the word bitches, we are taking over the world … and don’t forget to join the forum to leave us feedback!

Questions or comments? E-mail us at Zubazfiles@yahoo.com