“Man down! Man DOWN!”

It all started about two months ago, when Zubazkateer JJ Guaragno and two close friends of ZubazPants.com, Ben Stark and Andrew Plant, attended “Beerfest” in a woodsy area of Westchester, NY. Myself, Mu and Ian Valentine had attended “Oktoberfest” the year before in the same area, and had long hyped up these types of German, beer-drinking, food-scarfing, and all around AMAZING events. In fact, you may remember a picture from the old ZubazPants.com that was taken at Oktoberfest 2004.

One of the best five pictures EVER taken

Well, JJ, Ben and Plant liked the sound of this so much, that they just had to attend August’s “Beerfest.” In case you are wondering what the deal was and what the point of this “Beerfest” was, I am assuming it was just an excuse for the people that love Oktoberfest so much to have another event to get completely hammered at. And if you have attended one of these events, you know that you can’t really blame them for this thinking. Hell, if they had one every month the world might just be a better place. Overpopulation would certainly become less of a problem.

Anyways, the trio headed to “Beerfest” for a night they would never forget. Well, at least two out of three of them would never forget it. Scratch that, a major head injury makes it more like 1.5 out of three. Confused? Let me explain.

According to the lore, and by lore I mean the phone calls we received that night from a word-slurring Andrew Plant, the wheels came off for this group in a matter of no time. They were getting sloshed at a record pace. The first call we received had drunken jubilation going on in the background, although you could tell that the night was in phase one of becoming unhinged. Stark and Plant explained that JJ was lost in the woods, and they had used words such as “insane,” and “animalistic” to describe his state of mind. Apparently, our own web guru was like a wild beast roaming the hilly woods that surrounded the main grounds of the “Beerfest.”

The next call we received was much darker.

Plant’s final call to my brother Bryan was a severely saddened and distraught one. He told him that Stark was headed to the hospital, because he had fallen down backwards, hit his head on the ground, and gone out of consciousness. The EMTs were there taking him to the local hospital, and JJ was still unaccounted for, lost in the land of Spaten and Jagermeister, perhaps befriending a deer or two amongst the trees.

The night was undoubtedly over for these three, a punishing exclamation point printed on a disastrous “Beerfest” experience.

But it wasn’t until later that even more horrors were revealed. JJ was soon told a story from a neighbor that was also at the “Beerfest” about what exactly happened to him that night, none of which JJ remembered in even the vaguest of forms. The neighbor told JJ that he saw him laying on the ground handcuffed by the police, shouting incoherent gibberish and looking as if his world had come crumbling to an end.

“Beerfest” had taken the souls of these three men, thanks in much to the volatile combination of the Jagermeister and German beer, as well as the bottle of wine they finished immediately after winning it in a ring toss game. Take note children: Heavy amounts of beer, liquor and wine in one sitting can cripple your ass.

The battle had easily been won by this carnival of booze in the woods, and that is when the ZubazPants.com crew understood what must be done. We understood that our friends had to be avenged, we had to make it to Oktoberfest in strong numbers and slit the beast’s throat.

We had to drink Spaten.

We had to eat German delicacies.

We had to take plentiful shots of Jagermeister.

And oh yes, we had to listen to the beautiful sounds of the 40-piece German band.

It was time for …

Enter the Zubaz crew assigned for the mission: Jim Byrne, Bryan Byrne, Mu, Ian Valentine, Nick Rude, Doug Enemy, and a host of friends of Zubaz and even parents of Zubaz.

We were a force to be reckoned with, one that Oktoberfest surely could not defeat.

Leading the charge into the hallowed grounds were myself, Rude and Valentine in our Zubaz Pants. And although we were getting some strange looks for donning the bizarre pants, the majority of patrons didn’t even bat an eye at us because of all the German nuts in attendance that were wearing traditional German garb.

We were just another sideshow in this freakapalooza, maybe just a mirage to those who had had already consumed too much booze. The constant flow of alcohol, ice cold shots of Jager and booming musical bliss from the 40-piece band was the perfect backdrop for a night of excess.

Once we made our way inside the place Zubazkateer Isaac Kasikov would refer to as a “poison den,” things began in raucous fashion. Jager shots began to flow from the stands and pitchers of beer piled up at our table. It wasn’t long before the alcohol took over, and inhibitions flew out the window.

Inside the poison den

Valentine put things in motion as he headed to the dance floor … he heard the one and only Los Del Rio’s Macarena blaring during the 40-piece band’s DJ-led intermission, and couldn’t resist the most basic of desires. That motherfucker had to dance.

Alcohol + Ian Valentine + the soothing tunes of Los Del Rio = … well … this

Look at that fine ass in the midst of the fabled Macarena

From there, the one and only Mu started a conga line, and Valentine could not hold back from again joining in on the festivities. Mu was leading the way with Ian in tow behind a section of mothers in their 40s and 50s. It was a sight to be seen.

Once the 40-piece German band returned, the dancing ended and the heavy drinking resumed as our grip on the football that was the night loosened a bit. Savagery started to take over, and the evening became a whirlwind of booze-induced glory.

Our first victim was some German dude in a scene that was quite the photo-op.

As you can see, the man was either thinking “Ha ha! These guys are fucking toasted,” or “Get me the fuck out of here, these guys are toasted!” And as you may also notice, the picture came out blurry, so we harassed him into another picture before bestowing upon him the gift of “noogies” to the head.

Vintage German dude seems to be having a grand ol’ time five seconds prior to his “noogies.”

He was not a fan of the “noogies,” and quickly escaped our presence and evaded us for the rest of the night.

And then it was time for more Jager …

The glory of Jagermeister …

On the way back to our table, we came across a group of men dressed like they came straight from Harry Potter’s Hogwarts school. Maybe they had just played a rousing game of Quidditch. I dunno, but I should probably stop making Harry Potter jokes.

Fucking classic

And then, from a distance, we caught a glimpse of a God amongst mere mortal men …

It was the one and only Joe Rao (pronounced Ray-oh), local weatherman extraordinaire. Our hero from the Channel 12 Local News team and a lord of the winds who must ride clouds to and from work. Maybe nobody outside of Westchester will understand the significance of being in the presence of this superior creature, but for us in the know, it was like seeing Jesus.

To make it even more of an event, ZubazPants.com’s own Mu is a fledgling weatherman. Luckily for Mu, Rude had the balls to go up to the demigod that is Rao and get the ball rolling between the two meteorologists. Hopefully they will one day become like Batman and Robin, sans the rubber nipple outfits. Actually, on second thought, that would be kind of hot.

Joe Rao digs Mu’s Bob Ross t-shirt

Mu and Rao chatted for quite some time, something I will never forget. It was as classic as you could get.

BEST. PICTURE. EVER!

Once Mu’s encounter with the Rao-tastic one came to an end, the alcohol’s grip on the collective minds and souls of ZubazPants.com tightened. The Jager was flowing through our blood and quickly taking control. Things that should never happen were breaking out all over …

Girlfriends were forced to wear Zubaz …

Old ladies head butted the cameras …

Valentine was caught in Michael Jacksonesque situations …

The legendary Losee donned a “Peter Pan” hat …

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… and looked damn skippy about it

As the night was winding to a crashing conclusion, our collective brains were essentially lost, causing us to come up with some pretty ridiculous ideas …

Like this.

Yeaaaaah … don’t ask how that came about, because I have noooo fucking clue. But seeing as how there was success with the three-man pyramid, someone decided to up the ante and make an even bigger pyramid. Again, I have no clue why we did this, and as you can see, I decided to sit the next one out.

The new pyramid goes up …

… and comes down

After we were done making human pyramids, testosterone took over with Mu in the middle of multiple altercations leading up to what would be a night-ending clash between himself and Rude.

Mu SNAPS!

Mu GOES DOWN!

Now, the details from the cataclysmic confrontation between Rude and Mu are hazy—there is still no official account—but I had ZubazPants.com’s own Matt Fishman create an accurate and unbiased artist’s depiction of what went down that the cameras were not able to catch …

A chaotic scene if there ever was one. Let’s just say that the beer-doused Grandma was NONE TOO PLEASED. In the end though, hands were shaken, friends reunited, and “Oktoberfest” was unable to claim ZubazPants.com as another victim. It had won the battle, but the war was certainly not over. For the most part, we escaped with only minor injuries.

I say “for the most part,” because Doug Enemy had an “incident” ...

From left to right, Zubaz friend Matty Ramirez, Nick Rude and Doug Enemy in the early goings of the night

Fishman’s depiction of Doug Enemy at the end of the night after the 15 various drinks he had consumed in the evening

Although Doug had puked his brains out, the man was a trooper and walked out under his own volition.

Things were spinning to an end, and we headed out for the taxis that we had called in advance. But of course, the night would not be complete without the requisite “someone asking Ian Valentine if he is ‘that guy’ from the hit show Smallville.” The woman who inquired even asked Valentine to take a photo with her kids, seeing as how he was the first “celebrity” they had ever encountered. Apparently she does not watch Channel 12 News.

Needless to say, Ian happily obliged …

We hopped in the taxis, rolled off, and “ZubazPants.com Goes to Oktoberfest” was in the books.

Until next year …

Questions or comments? E-mail Zubazfiles@yahoo.com