“Can I strangle you?”

And with that quote, the wheels were set in motion for one hell of a weekend.

At first, Losee thought the strange creature in a Wendy’s off of Route 17 in West Bumblefuck, New York was asking to “straddle him.” But no, this demented local actually wanted to choke the life from Losee, not give him a homoerotic lap dance.

The look on Losee’s face said it all. Red blotches started forming, his brow and mouth crunched up, and his eyes locked onto his subject with shock, hate and fury.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Losee yelled at this slime, simultaneously pointing to the door. The strange being heeded Losee’s advice, and the surreal moment had come to pass as quickly as it came to be.

Myself, Nick Rude and Doug Enemy were all laughing hysterically, while Losee still seemed to not know what had just transpired. And with that, we hit the car and bounced back to the highway, still some five hours away from Paul Cancun’s place in Buffalo.

Getting back into my car, I knew what had just happened was a sign. People don’t just come up to Losee and ask to strangle him without a greater meaning behind it. No, I knew that this was going to be one weird and wild weekend.

After a great trip to The Ralph in 2005 for the Bills-Dolphins game, I knew of the glory in store for us that only the vastly underrated city of Buffalo could provide.

Essentially, if you like to eat fatty foods and drink tasty Canadian beers, Buffalo is the place for you. Even more fun was the fact that I was bringing a bunch of Ralph Wilson Stadium virgins with me. Along with the aforementioned Bills fan Losee, Nick Rude – a Dolphins fan – had yet to make his way to Buffalo for a game either. While I was up there in college from 2000-2004, the opportunities had arisen, but they never came to fruition. Doug Enemy – also a 2004 University at Buffalo graduate – was making his first return to Buffalo since commencement, and it would be his first trip the field of dreams, too.

Upon arrival at Cancun’s humble abode, we immediately downed a few beers with Cancun and the forum’s Swankywires (another UB graduate) and headed across the street to Slick Willie’s, a bar with a face that only mother Buffalo could love.

“Let me tell you, brother,” Byrne remarks as Enemy (left) and Swankywires look on.

Thanks to bars being allowed to stay open until at least 4 a.m., it turned into quite the night. Darts were thrown, shots were downed and good times were had all around. When the lights came on at the bar, we decided to call a taxi and hit up Jim’s Steak Out – and this is said with zero hyperbole attached – one of the best late night eateries in the world. We figured we could make it there by the closing time of 5 a.m., but sadly, the taxi was taking far too long. So, we did the next best thing and made it across the street to the porn shop. After checking out all the goods they had to offer, Losee decided to pick up a pornographic DVD. His second choice was a giant black dildo, made to represent the schlong of famous deceased Buffalonian, Rick James. Tough call, I know.

This DVD turned out to be one of the worst porn films in the history of porn films. Mainly, it was due to the fact that there was NO SOUNDTRACK. What kind of porn doesn’t have some type of catchy, toe-tappin’, knee-slappin' riff in the background? As we fast-forwarded through, we came to a scene that began with a woman putting coins into a jukebox. “Ah ha!” we all thought, “here come the tunes!” But no! There was no fucking music! Even after the bastards put a quarter into the jukebox! Fucking blasphemy, I tell you.

After that, the first night in Buffalo mercifully came to close. But not before I laid an atomic fart on Losee’s head.

BOOM, BITCH!

Day two saw more of the same for our noble heroes. “More,” as in drinking and eating. After hitting up Mighty Taco for lunch, we made our way to downtown Buffalo for a Saturday bar crawl. We figured it would be a good idea to drink early Saturday, since Sunday’s game was set for 1:00 p.m. and we wanted to be there at the asscrack of dawn.

The bars got progressively better as we went along, which is usually how a bar crawl goes, even if the latter places include Rosie O’Donnell’s vagina and a John Tesh concert.

But our final stop was at neither of those hellish places, it was a new country western bar. Normally, this is not any of our scenes, save for the suddenly bumpkinish Swankywires, but this place had a mechanical bull.

We were sold …

Cancun rides the bull

Jimmy Byrne rides the bull

Mechanical Bull pro Swankywires goes for a ride

So much for being a pro …

Nick Rude gives it a whirl ...

and is thrown underneath the bull

Although it was as fucking fun as you would imagine, don’t think we spent our entire night riding it …

Doug Enemy learned the “Texas Two Step" …

Jim Byrne went pee-pee in a trough …

Paul Cancun played with guns …

And, of course, we took in the artwork on the stalls

In a drunken stupor, we made our way back to Cancun’s neck of the woods. At this point, the last thing we wanted to do was go out shopping for tailgating items, but unfortunately we had put it off until the last minute. Usually, it’s a bad idea to go shopping when you’re wrecked. This was one of those times.

Case in point: “How about just a wheel of cheese for tailgating?”

Losee is befuddled by the plentiful choices in Wegman’s

Although I still don’t know what transpired in Wegman’s, I do know that we came out of there with a ton of beer. 120 cans. Wooooooie! We were set for Sunday.

Like Christmas morning, we all woke up early and made our way to the stadium before the clock struck 9 a.m. The “get there early” plan was executed perfectly.

A beautiful sight in the early morning

From the moment we stepped out of the car, the beers were cracked and the good times began to roll …

Attacked by Swankywires

Nick Rude is loving life, dealing out high fives all over

Paul Cancun, looking sophisticated in a Zubaz bowtie, explains trigonometry to ZubazPants.com Friend Josh

A sexy beast captured in a photograph

The Labatt Blue begins to take a hold over our minds

At some point, it started to rain, and basically it never stopped except for a brief moment here and there. It would have no effect on us, but it devastated our tailgate, which was pretty piss poor from the start.

Saddest tailgate ever

Doug Enemy, a noted hater of all things Buffalo, decided to dress in Dolphins apparel for the game, even though he is a 49ers fan. This was a dubious decision, as the harassment never ceased throughout the day. The Jason Taylor jersey he borrowed from Rude was the object of scorn and ridicule. Chants of “Taylor Takes it in the Ass” reigned down upon Enemy, and he even had to deal with demented Dolphin fans trying to befriend him. There was one guy in particular that took a special liking to Enemy. This curious fellow was wearing a Dolphin jersey that was blank in the front, but had a number and a name on the back. Someone probably gave it to him out of pity. He was pathetic, and I think he wanted to suck Enemy off.

Look at these jokers

Enemy and Rude, true to the pansy colors they donned, bought a pair of ponchos to defend themselves from the drizzle. It was the cutest thing these eyes have ever seen.

"We look like royalty!" they shouted to no one in particular

At some point, Cancun stole the camera and started roaming around the parking lot with Swankywires. Most of the pictures were utter garbage, but he did manage to get a couple of classics off …

Swankywires and Santa Claus

A terrible trio

One o’clock eventually rolled around—had we really been drinking since 8:57?—and it was time to make our way in. Things started to get real hazy at this point, the only thing I remember about the march into the Ralph was kicking a giant dead fish on the ground. When my toe made contact with the thing, it burst open and fish guts spilled all over my shoe.

I puked all over. It still makes me sick to think of the squish and the spill. Ughhhhhh.

Once inside, the rain came down even harder, and the Bills trounced the PATHETIC MIAMI DOLPHINS, 21-0, keeping their faint playoff hopes alive for the second straight week by improving to 7-7. How lucky was I? Attending two straight games against Division foes, with the Bills combining for a 52-10 score. I got to see 45 straight points for Buffalo without the opposition scoring anything!

The one funny thing I recall from inside the stadium happened early on. Losee had gone to the bathroom, and when he returned he overshot his landing and walked about five rows up past where we were in the upper decks. We started shouting, “LOSEE! OVER HERE!” and he finally noticed. He gave us this shit-eating grin, and then proceeded to fall down onto the stairs! It was priceless! The man was down for about ten seconds before people helped him up. As Jim Nantz would say, “What a moment!”

After the game ended, we made our way outside and found a random tailgate’s bonfire to warm our soaked bones up. I think I still smell like fire. This baby was roaring, and it was attracting all the crazies, including this dude that was just bleeding all over from the nose. He was white, about 40-years-old, hammered as fuck, and looked as if he lived in a garbage disposal in the parking lot. He made me feel uneasy, but I think I could have taken him out with one shove.

Gravitating towards the flames and keeping my distance from that crazy fucker …

What a day …

Finally, we made our way back to Cancun’s and had a nice meal at Duff’s for dinner. In case you don’t know, Duff’s is the best chicken wing place in Buffalo since Rootie’s closed down a little ways back. People will tell you it’s all about the Anchor Bar—and sure, they invented it—but believe me, Duff’s is the place.

But man, were we ossified at Duff’s (don’t worry, our driver was sober). It was like someone let cavemen in to eat at the restaurant. Bones were crunched, munched and flying everywhere, Rude was harassing the wait staff, Losee was flopping around all over … it was quite the time.

All good times come to an end though. Two-thirds of this trip were now over …

Continue on to Baltimore …