Come with me and see Roosta Da Neezy’s Top Motherfuckin Ten Hoochies. These ladies are the finest hoes on the block. Honorable mention goes out to Zubaz writers Jim and Bryan Byrne’s mother. Mrs. Byrne wasn’t able to crack the top ten even though she kisses on the lips, she came in at 11th on my list.

10. Angelina Jolie

Now I know this may come as a shock to all of you who know me, but that’s right, Angelina is only tenth on my list. Her stock plummeted once she got with that goofy ass cockface Brad Pitt. If it wasn’t for those big, juicy, dick suckin lips, she might have dropped even further.

Brad Pitt may you rot in Hell!

Angelina looks like she’d be a crazy bitch in bed. First Base to her is like getting a golden shower. Now that’s my kind of girl. I mean she had Billy Bob’s BLOOD in a bottle around her neck! Gotta love crazy girls.

Looks like she’s ready to pull a Booker T and do a spin-a-rooni

So take away the fact that she used to fuck Billy Bob, Angelina is a goddess. I could stare at her lips all day. Enough said.

9. Summer Sanders

Man, Summer Sanders… mmmm. With a name like that alone, she has to either be a slut or a stripper, and I love sluts. Summer broke the scene with her “breast stroke” in the Olympics. How sexy is that?

The best stroke

Shortly after the Olympics, Summer started to work for Inside the NBA. It just keeps getting better with this girl. First, she swims and now she spends her days talking about basketball, what a catch. There’s got to be something wrong with her…

I guess I was wrong

She has MILF potential written all over her ass. And I love MILF’s almost as much as barbeque sauce so you know she had to crack the top ten.

8. Rebecca Donaldson

Speaking of MILF’s, here is television’s finest. Now Rebecca is the sole reason for the famous comment, “Have mercy!” Sure it was coming from an Elvis wanna-be but still, Jessie was on the money with that one.

Wake-up San Francisco!

Man after Full House, I was hoping Rebecca would get this big role in some movie, with the director making her get butt-ass naked. I’m still waiting. Behind all of the shitty outfits Full House made her wear, was a bombshell.

Who knew?

She looks like the mom of the High School prom queen. You know, the one you used to flirt with all the time. She would be near the top three on my list if it wasn’t for her last name, Donaldson.

7. Kelly Bundy

White trash anyone? Now here’s a girl who looks like she’d suck the rust off of… well, something rusty. Kelly Bundy is the hottest thing to come out of a trailer.

Got milk?

This girl would always wear the sluttiest shit. The fake audience would whistle every time she came into the scene, and they had every right too. That bleach blonde hair had its own kind of sex appeal.

”I’m so cold, what do I do?”

The older she got, the more well developed, as you can see. Cheers to the producer who made her wear clothes three times to small.

6. Jessica Rabbit

Take J-Lo’s ass, Angelina’s lips, and for shits and giggles give her 36DD’s and long red hair and what do you have?

Is it bad to think a cartoon is hot?

She put Betty Boop to shame. Jessica broke out in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and didn’t look back. She was doing magazine covers and she even recorded her own album. Like most celebrities do, she ended up posing for Playboy.

I feel dirty

How can you not want to rub one out after seeing that? Jessica fuckin’ Rabbit ladies and gentlemen, give this cartoon hoe the credit she deserves.

5. Al

She’s so hot she doesn’t need a last name. We saw her grow up right in front of our eyes on Step By Step. Braces and all, she’s come such a far way.

Potential

Season by season, you were able to see her “development” as a character. She worked hard to get the leading role and once she got there she played a “big” role. Well fuck it, enough beating around the bush, her tits got big. There I said it.

oochie wally wally

With big boobs and being our age, who could resist. Episode by episode I’d hope her boobs would keep getting bigger. When they stopped growing, so did her move up the charts of my top ten list.

4. Punky Brewster

Now, we were really able to see Punky grow up and blossom into a fine ass hoe. I always knew there was potential when I saw her with that crazy ass outfit on and her pigtails.

Give her 15 years and you’ll see

After her show, Punky fell right off the face of the Earth, but she made by far one of the biggest returns ever. She is absolutely amazing. No pig tails, no problem. She can rub dog shit all over her body and I’d still fuck her.

Most changed since 1987

Un-fuckin-believable is all I have to say about that. She’s flat out gorgeous. The big question is where the fuck was she all that time? I’m guessing she was doing a lot of drugs like most celebrities do, even at the age of seven.

3. Kelly Kapowski

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Man if you’re reading this, I love you. Even when you had a maroon face because of that face crème, I still would tag it. Kelly never had an ugly phase. She came out of the gates in Saved By The Bell hot as fuck and ready to go.

What a great photo shoot that was

The sky was the limit with her. Until the thing teenage boys feared the most, the series finale of Saved By The Bell. What a sad day. Now we had to wait it out and see if she would appear in any movies or magazines.

The wait is over!

From Son-In-Law to that show on Fox that no one remembers the name of, Kelly will never be forgotten. FYI she ended her marriage with Zack three years ago and is back on the market.

2. Oprah

Yeah that’s right, Oprah mother fuckers! So what she’s not hot, looks aren’t everything you shallow bitches. I’m turning over a new leaf and saying fuck it to hot bitches, personality is what matters the most.

Not that bad from this angle

Oprah is such a kind and caring person. She gives to the needy and feeds the poor. I can see myself settling down with a woman like that. Sure I’d had to wake up to this every morning…

Still tryin to find a good angle

Ugly? Yes. Caring? Definitely. Rich as a mother fucker? Hell motherfucking yeah!!! I’m a gold digger bitches, hear me Roar! I’d brown bag Oprah in a second if I knew I would be apart of those Billions.

1. Angie Valentine

None other than the sister of Zubaz writer, Ian Valentine. Man, being best friends with that guy sure had its benefits. I really didn’t even like the guy in the first place, but fuck it. I couldn’t tell you guys how many times I saw Angie come out of the shower wrapped in a towel with that fine ass!

Ian going through his “Hitler ‘stache” phase

Just look at her. How can you not fall in love with that petite body, perfect smile, and that nice tight ass? I’m guessing she’ll be reading this, but she already knows how I would love to have just one night with her. Ian’s best friend or not, I’d go to town.

Just one night

Angie congratulations on being #1 in my book. You managed to beat out Angelina Jolie, so you know you’re one hot ass girl. Ian Valentine’s sister ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for her!

Questions or comments? E-mail Zubazfiles@yahoo.com