With everyone else’s lists, you are going to hear a lot about “hot bitches” with “slammin’ titties” and “onion booties.” Well, that’s not what I am here to talk about. I want to show everyone that classy ladies can find their way onto these lists, and are usually much greater women overall than the likes of Angelina Jolie and Jessica Simpson—everyone’s chicks du jour. I look down upon the other peons that contributed to this list because of their cliché and tired picks. Here's a tip losers: Add some class to your lists and ditch the two-dollar whores and slutty hookerfaces.

With that said, let’s jump right into this with the classiest of them all …

10. Christina Aguilera

What can I say … sometimes you just need a straight-up Slut of the Century candidate to dip your wick in. And that’s exactly what Ms. Christina Aguilera is. Yeah, she might be a walking STD, but man, all the herpes in the world would be worth a night in the sack with the self-proclaimed “X-Tina.” I’d bet on the fact that you wouldn’t even survive a night of hardcore fucking with her, so there isn’t even a need to worry about catching the HIV or any other Venereal Disease.

And in the miraculous event that I did survive, well cover me in crabs and put a gonorrhea hat on my head, because I really don't give a damn. It would be worth it.

That’s hot

Shit man, I don’t even think I’d make it past the foreplay with her. If she came anywhere near my schlong, my heart would probably seize up and I’d keel right over on the floor. My dick might even get so hard that it would shatter, like what happens to the Alien in Alien 3. Would it be worth it? Take a gander at the next picture and you tell me.

They need to remake “Basic Instinct” with Christina in it.

All I can come up with to describe that picture is: as0d9f8a-w@40f&&jas[0%d9fia[fj$q43wfkja!!!
8=====lD ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fuck Britney and fuck Jessica, because Christina is where it is at out of the big three. Why? Because the woman oozes the notion that she is a sexual predator, and that gets me going. She’d get the job done in the sack 93,847,520,394 times over, and there is no way anyone can doubt that fact.

9. Dina from Salute Your Shorts

She might have been a spoiled brat, but that only means she probably took it to another level in bed. Forget Z.Z. Ziff and Telly, Dina was always my love when it came to Salute Your Shorts. Hell, even Bobby Budnick was better looking than those two trolls and Sponge was certainly more effeminate than Telly.

Eat your heart out Donkey Lips

Dina was always going after losers like Michael and Pinskey (and even Budnick for some ungodly reason in a two-part episode) on the show too, making her that much more attainable. I may have never been a camper like other Zubazkateers (ahem, Fishman), but I’d like to think that if I were, I would have been quite the pimp there. I’d be in my element. Camp Anawanna would be my sexual playground. Shit, I’d even tap Mona the mailwoman’s ass. Yeah, right in that mailboat. Ug would be pissed, but I’m sure Sponge, Donkey Lips and Budnick would engage in some act of tomfoolery to take the attention off of me.

A shitty picture, but you get the point

If I were to have my way with Dina back in the day, I would have definitely gone the “awful waffle” route. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. A lunch hall table, some body-slapping and a ton of maple syrup. As “The State’s” Barry and Levon would say, “Awwwwwww yeah.”

What a hottie.

8. Kirsten Dunst

With Dunst, it always seems to be a love or hate thing. Either you find her extremely attractive, or you don’t find her attractive at all. Once upon a time, she did nothing for me. She reminded me of the girl from Jurassic Park and Angus and that didn’t help me in matters of getting my wiener schnitzel to “rise from the grave” like an Altered Beast.

Then came Spider-Man.

Jimmy likes nipples

I was sold like a cheap hooker to Eugene Robinson.

Although she is a little too skinny for my liking sometimes, I think she is near perfect. She just has this all-natural thing going that I enjoy very much. I mean, just look at her boobs, they are so natural and lifelike. They seem like soft pillows that would be perfect for resting on, or doing that classic thing where us guys put our heads between the breasts, shake our heads and make that funny sound effect. Yeah, they would definitely be perfect for that.

And man, did you see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? You’d be nuts if you wanted to turn down a night of boozing and dancing in your underwear with Kirsten. That soft body of hers is damn near perfect.

Her face ain’t too shabby either

Come on now, join me in the Kirsten Dunst fan club. It’s only a matter of time before you do.

7. Betty White

I know what you’re thinking … “That’s disgusting, Betty White is soooo old.” Yeah, well, so what. She may be an old bag, but when she was starring on “Golden Girls,” I wanted to do the freakiest things to old Betty. Let’s face it, for an old lady, she is pretty damn cute. Everyone always makes a big fuss over Blanche, but I already have one whore on this list and I’ll be damned if I add a 65-plus year old one to it too.

And just so you know, Bea Arthur almost edged out Betty White for me personally, only because she would probably kick my ass in bed, and that revs my engine. So what, I like getting punched in the face when I’m having sex … sue me assholes.

With that said, this painting was a little too much and gave Betty White the edge …

Yes, this is a painting of Bea Arthur wrestling Velociraptors

I may enjoy getting beaten to a bloody pulp in bed, but no woman of mine is going to go out and wrestle Velociraptors. That is a man’s duty, and Bea is just too much of a man for me.

So yeah, Betty White. Mmm mmm. I bet Betty can cook up a fucking storm too. Like cookies and shit. You know, all that good shit.

Even Estelle Getty looks better than that slore Blanche in this photo

When I was a little boy and took my clothes off in front of the television when Tracy Gold came on “Growing Pains” because I thought she would fall in love with my tighty-whitey wearing 7-year old body, I also enjoyed partaking in fantasies about Betty White. I don’t know, maybe I’m sick. Stop judging me and look at this cool statue I made of Betty!

Kind of cool right? My only regret is not leaving an eight-inch deep hole through the mouth. Oh well, next time I decide to get crafty I will remember that.

6. Winona Ryder

What can I say, I have a thing for kleptomaniacs.

I’ve always thought that Winona was pretty smokin’, but nothing got me going more than when I found out she was a shoplifter too. Me and her could have had that Bonnie and Clyde thing going. We could have gone out, stolen some shit like Snickers bars and Twizzlers, and then gone back to my place to get nasty doggie-style. Man, I’m getting hard just thinking of that hot shoplifting/doggie-style combination. Let’s just say that two wrongs definitely make a right when you’re talking about making my doo-hickey a happy little cadet.

Man, I so want to jump in there

OK, so maybe her voice can be a little annoying and weird, but in my book, that translates into intrigue as to what she sounds like when you start working her over. If I got the chance to take her to Westchestertonfieldville, I’d make sure that journey was as loud as possible. Maybe a little slap on the ass just to get it out of her. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

Winona looking damn good in Mr. Deeds

Winona, if you are reading this, just know that I fully support you, and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on … or to rest your breasts on … I will always be there for you.

5. Mo from GUTS

I needed a girl with an accent on this list, so obviously I turned to Moira “Mo” Quirk.

I always wondered where the producers of Nickelodeon GUTS found this diamond in the ref … outfit … and I had always assumed they just got her off an immigration boat for cheap labor as she came into America. If she had known she would have had to work with the clearly insane Mike O’Malley, odds are she would have turned down the illustrious $2 a year contract they probably offered her.

Her loss and our gain though, because Mo quickly became my favorite non-puppet Nickelodeon female (Eureka of “Eureka’s Castle” would have taken this slot, but it was ordered that we not choose puppets for this list … even if they resembled a female and contained a gaping hole to put our hand—and members—into. God damn technicalities).

”Let’s go to Mo! … MO!”

Shit, I’d “go to Mo” anytime she wanted, especially if I got to “spill my … er, GUTS” all over her on top of the Aggro Crag.

Imagine that, the conquest of Mo on top of the Aggro Crag. That would certainly have to end in a facial as the ‘Crag blew it’s top, there would be no other way. If I didn’t get a piece of the ‘Crag for that, then I wouldn’t know what to do.

I can't think of anything else to say about her, so let's leave it at the fact that her name is "Moira Quirk." I mean, come on, really, that's just awesome.

4. Zooey Deschanel

I’m not going to be rude or crude when it comes to the amazingly-named Zooey, because she is just so damn cute. Just look at her.

I can’t bring myself to saying anything over-the-top about her, and the only thing bad I can say about her is that her sister is that chick from that crap show “Bones.”

OK, I want to bone Bones’ sister. There, I said it. It had to be said. The door was wide open.

Can you really blame me though? Zooey may be the cutest thing on the planet. But I’m gonna stop there with her, because I’m coming dangerously close to losing the “tough guy” street cred I have spent years cultivating.

3. Natalie Portman

Not unlike Kirsten Dunst, I never really had a big thing for Natalie Portman until I saw one certain movie. I’m sure you can guess what it is …

I wanna get me some of Amidala

Yes, of course, it was Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace that really got me infatuated with Ms. Portman. I wanted to get under that massive robe to see if she painted her body too, and did weird things with her “other” hair. Queen Amidala may be the sexiest thing I have ever laid eyes on. “Hot” doesn’t even begin to describe …

OK, I am obviously joking and it was obviously Closer that opened my eyes to what Natalie Portman had to offer. Let’s take a look at a small sampling of one of her scenes in case you haven’t had the pleasure of viewing the film.

Amazing, right? I was really pissed when I was dragged to go see this movie with my girlfriend and her friend, but little did I know that the movie was actually pretty good and Natalie got downright dirty in the flick. If someone had told me about the thong I would have been waiting in line at the premier.

Let’s not forget the final image in the strip club scene either, where Natalie “shows her world” to one lucky Clive Owen. Even though you don’t get to see anything, the message is clear and I almost needed a box of Kleenex.

Natalie, I think you’re the one.

2. Harriet Winslow

Some of you may scoff at this addition to my Top Ten list, but I needed my Nubian Princess on here somewhere.

It’s not so much that I think she is gorgeous, or sexy, or beautiful, or extremely fuckable—because she definitely isn’t any of those things—I see her more as a challenge. I consider myself one of the premier fuckers in the world today, and Harriet Winslow is someone who looks extremely unsatisfied.

Judge for yourself.

Three photos, three identical “Mmmmhmmmmm” expressions on her face. Now, maybe she is unsatisfied because her husband Carl Winslow is a tried and true homosexual and doesn’t give her the attention she needs, or maybe it's because she ... well, I think we found our reason.

Harriet, I am here to say that I am your man. I will give you what you need. No matter if it’s your standard salt and pepper loving, wild anal sex or an impregnation so that you can replace your long lost daughter Judy, I am down with the brown ... you know how to contact me. My wang is at your disposal.

I’ll have you saying MMMMMMMHMMMMMMMM at much higher decibels and in quite the different tone. But tell Grandma Winslow to stay at Aunt Rachel's for the night, I don't want that bitch peeking in and trying to bogart my cock away from ya. She can go fuck that geri-curl little Richie for all I care. Just keep her the fuck away from me.

1. Scarlett Johansson

And finally we have come to the greatest of them all.

Scarlett Johansson is going to become the sex icon that our generation lacks. The Marilyn Monroe of our day and age. She isn’t a retard like Jessica Simpson, she can actually act unlike Jessica Alba, and to top it all off, she doesn’t even work out. I love her. Rumor has it she even nailed Benicio Del Toro in an elevator. Lucky Bastard.

In today’s day and age of hyper-skinny celebrity females that look as if a cheeseburger would kill them, Johansson is of another breed. She seems real. Her body is amazing, and all natural. No working out, no typical anorexic look, and real boobs that are flat-out fucking awesome. Judge for yourself.

My god …

If any man tells you that he does not find her attractive, then he is a fucking moron. Scarlett is sex. Scarlett is beauty. Scarlett is God’s gift to the men of this world. And those lips man ... man those lips.

I’m going to cut myself off because I’m getting really perve, but I leave you with this picture which will make you fall in love with Scarlett if you already have not.

Scarlett Johansson is the Number One woman out of anyone of the 100 in this total list. Don’t listen to what anyone else says, I took her with the First Pick for a reason. She is Scarlett and she is AMAZING.

God Bless Women

Questions or comments? Email Zubazfiles@yahoo.com