There isn’t a holiday that we here at ZubazPants.com love more than Halloween. From the horror movie marathons, to the dressing up like morons, to girls being straight up sluts for a night, it’s pretty hard for any other holiday to compare. In honor of this, a few of the Zubazkateers decided to chip in and put together our very own Halloween Special. While it certainly pales in comparison to the glorious Garfield Halloween Special, we hope you enjoy the stories and pieces put together in this feature.

This will also be the feature that keeps on giving, because next Monday this page will be replaced by photos and captions from all of the wild Halloween events of the weekend. Be sure to tune in.

Costumes Through My Ages
By Doug Enemy

Finding a great Halloween costume can be a very difficult thing, especially for a kid. Kids’ reputations can be glorified or utterly destroyed with their choice for a Halloween costume. I was able to unearth some past photos of the history of my costumes through childhood. Unfortunately for me, most of my costume choices forced my reputation to be ruined for pretty much the entirety of elementary school, possibly extending into the 6th grade as well.

To be completely honest, I am surprised I had any friends at all through my early days. Some of these costumes are just ridiculous. They start off innocent enough, first as a Dallas Cowboy. Number 11. It makes my skin burn to think I was once forced to don the apparel of the Dallas Cowboys.

Go f&*k yourself Michael Irvin and your ugly ass suits, too!

Next … well, I have no idea what my parents were thinking. I assume they were going for a high cute factor, but come on. A giant pumpkin? I do not look too thrilled to say the least.

Not to mention I look like a giant orange sagging breast!

Here is where it gets ugly for me. Note the picture. Take a look at all of the males in the photo. I see a Rambo, a couple of vampires, and an Indian... and then look at me.

Yup, that is me in the fucking bee costume. At this point, my parents were divorced, so my father was not around to overrule this idea. I asked my mother if that was my choice of costume or hers. Praise be to God, it was her choice, not mine.

Bzzzzzz!!! I’ll sting you if you get too close!

The following year my mom realized her very costly mistake and we went with a more manly costume. There is nothing that screams testosterone more than a rough swashbuckling pirate, right?

But when you pose like this... suddenly you become an ass pirate.

One of the final extremely little kid costumes actually won me a prize. I don’t know why. It was clearly store-bought and not very original. It is not like my mom made it or some craziness.

I am a lethal dinosaur with razor sharp teeth and a huge head.

Roar!

This next costume could have been disastrous. Here I am Steve Urkel. Do not ask me why. This one was my idea. I thought it would be fun. Hell I even bought hair dye and skin dye to perform some blackface! In this picture I am not wearing it because after I was in full attire my mother realized I would probably be beaten to death if a real black person saw me. As a matter of fact, I want to kick my own ass at this point for ever choosing such a costume.

Did I do that? WHY would I do that?!

A little older and a little wiser, I decided to go as Batman one year. We actually made the entire costume, except for the mask. The Batman symbol on my chest is from a goodie bag. I also enjoyed the retro Batman look with the sky blue accents.

Watch your ass Joker! I’m coming to kick it!

Well, this is the end of my part in this Halloween tale. And remember kids; choose your Halloween gear wisely!

Matt Fishman … the friendly ghost or Grand Wizard of the KKK?
By Matt Fishman

I'll keep my Halloween segment short and sweet. The moral of the story is simple: Do not be a ghost for Halloween.

It was October 31, 2003. My friend Gittles was having a Halloween party at his house. I wanted to go as an old school ghost, meaning a white sheet over my head with two holes for eyes. Basically like this:

Harmless costume, right? It's also very funny because it's such a classic look. I went to Target, bought a white sheet, cut two holes in it, and presto - a ghost. That night at the party, I was having trouble drinking due to the absence of a mouth hole. So, I slit a small, unnoticeable opening near my mouth and got a straw to sip the beer. The party was fun and people had mostly positive reactions to my costume...except for one kid. Although I don't know who said it, my friend John the Media Study Kid told me that some dude saw me and thought that I was supposed to be a Ku Klux Klan member. The dude said something along the lines of wanting to kick my ass, but I forget. Of course, John told him that I was a ghost and that I was Jewish, so the kid took it back.

When I heard this, I got kind of nervous and started asking people if they thought that I looked like a member of the KKK. Everyone said that I was being my usual paranoid self, so I kept the costume on when we left the party to head for a bar. As we trekked down Main Street, two black guys emerged from a pizza place and looked me over.

"Better take that shit off, man," said one of the black men. "I don't like that shit."

Obviously, I didn't waste any time in taking my costume off after that little incident. Once I took my sheet off, I looked across the street to see some kid wearing the same exact ghost costume as me. No one was hassling him! He was walking down the street, happy as can be. It was unfair. I wanted to be a happy ghost. Instead I was some moron holding a crumpled white sheet at the bar. Do not be a ghost for Halloween.

Halloween: When being a slut is socially acceptable
By Ian Valentine

There are three things that are guaranteed in life. Death, taxes, and that girls will be sluts on Halloween.

It’s a known fact. Girls use Halloween as an excuse to act out all of their slutty inhibitions. This excuse is basically part of a girl’s life syllabus. Every whorish feeling they have bottled up inside of them, is finally allowed to be let loose, and no one can say anything about it, and all because everything is fair game on Halloween. Off come the sweaters and the pants, and out comes the cleavage, fishnet stalkings, and the red, dick sucking lipstick. And then they round out their slutty holiday just like their costumes would suggest, on their knees or on their backs.

First comes the slutty Halloween dress code. Here girls are creative with their sluttiness. Well maybe not creative considering every girl does it, but no matter what the costume is, somehow a girl adds a promiscuous twist to it, transforming them into a slut. They shed a little skin, show their tits, make their ass look good, and throw on some hoochy makeup, and all of a sudden a typical Halloween costume is metamorphosized into a utopia of sexual eye candy for men. No longer are they just a nurse, now they are a naughty nurse. Now longer are they a cop, they are now a slutty cop. And no longer are they an angel, they are a dirty angel. Every single costume for a girl will fit under one of those three categories; slutty, naughty, or dirty. Which are coincidently three of the greatest words in the world.

Now that the girls have their slutty outfits down, next comes acting out their costumes and spending their night being bonafide whores. Which again is fair game, because like I said, Halloween is the one day where anything goes and girls can act out all their slutty undertones, so not only is it not frowned upon, it’s expected. And besides, what’s the point in looking like a slut if you can’t act like one? So for one night out of the year, like some kind of cheap prostitute, every girl is looking to either deep throat or spread their legs. They have a green light for dick, and god damn it they are going to get some dick. Halloween is like roofies. The girls are easy as Hell, and it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. You have to actually try to not get ass because the girls are so easy.

Basically, Halloween is like kryptonite to girls’ inhibitions. For one night out of the year they get to act out every slutty fantasy they have inside of them. From their clothes to their morals, Halloween is the one night a year where anything goes, and typically anything does go. So no longer is the question Trick or Treat. Now you have girls turning tricks, which is quite the treat for us guys.

The Candy Continuum
By Michael Lucinski

Two things stand out most from my Halloweens as a lad on Isla Grande in the western portion of the Empire State – my homemade costumes and the Candy Continuum.

During my Halloweens I dressed as everything from a clown to an army soldier to a Jedi Knight to Megatron.

And most, if not all, of my costumes were made by my mother. She had (and still has) talent with a sewing machine. Looking back, I’m glad my mother went through so much trouble for my brother and myself.

Most parents would be content to dress their kids up with garbage bags, giant plastic sunglasses and goofy shoes.

“You’re a California Raisin!”

Kid begins to cry.

“Oh, don’t cry. You love raisins!”

Kid cries harder.

“Yes you do!”

It’s the Megatron costume that sticks out most in my mind. I’m assuming I wore this in 1985, 1986, or 1987 and mostly likely because of Transformers: The Movie. You remember that movie; Autobots get blown away, Optimus Prime dies, Leonard Nimoy turns into Galvatron and Orson Wells eats a planet.

Anyway, I was Megatron – if Megatron looked like a baked potato wrapped in tin foil and shaped like a young boy. I didn’t get a gun, I didn’t get robotic minions to bark orders at and push around and I didn’t get to shoot Ironhide in the head.

But I appreciate the effort.

This costume is supposed to be Robocop, but it coincidently looks like the Megatron costume my mother made; just not as shiny.

The other thing I remember about Halloween is the Candy Continuum. We all have our favorite candy. We all have candy we dislike – some candy extremists might say hate – as well. But we all have our own Candy Continuum – an internal taste range of candy favorability.

(Please note: candies such as Cadbury Crème Eggs and marshmallow peeps do not have a place on the Continuum because they are Easter candies. The Continuum only applies to godless holidays.)

At the top of the Continuum are candies like Three Musketeers, Mounds, Twix, little packets of plain M&Ms, and Blow Pops. These are the candies you eat sparingly to make the best of Halloween last as long as possible. You trade for these in the lunch room. You steal them from your brother's supply when nobody is looking.

As you slide towards the middle, candies like Sweet Tarts, Almond Joys, Peanut M&Ms and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups appear. Good, solid candies that make up the bulk of any Halloween haul. You don’t feel bad wolfing down handfuls at a time. These candies are like former Buffalo Bills running back Travis Henry – not strong enough to carry you to the Super Bowl, but a quality compliment to the superstars.

And at the bottom of the Continuum are candies that fall into two categories: quality candies you don’t like for personal reasons and Crap Candy. For me, unpleasant quality candies primarily involve chocolate bars with peanuts like Snickers. Once, I got a regular-sized Payday bar. I almost wretched choking it down. But I still ate it. What kid would turn down even bad candy?

Crap Candy is just that: crap. Necco wafers, Bit O’ Honeys, “fun”-sized Milky Ways smaller than postage stamps – all crap. The “Rocky V” of Halloween candy. It’s better than nothing, but only by the tiniest of margins.

Of course pennies, toothbrushes, McDonalds’ coupons and tissue paper ghosts don’t fall on the Continuum because they are not candy.

Please target your eggs, toilet paper and sour milk at houses that handout this crap.

After all, Crap Candy is always, always better than no candy.

Best Halloween Ever
By Nick Camia

Welcome to the perfect Halloween.

Halloween 2003 in Oneonta set the standards of how Halloween should be celebrated. A lot of fake spider webs, a strobe light, some good time Halloween music, a bunch of drunks, some quality costumes, and a quite a few skanks.

Only pictures can describe how PERFECT this Halloween turned out.

Pirates! Argh! Lets get drunk!

After the house was decorated, beer pong had begun, and the pirates had arrived, it was time to revel in one of college’s most celebrated holidays.

”Rock on,” says Losee. “I also hope I hook up with a some funky looking chick, in costume, on top of my neighbors car!”

If I could do it all over again, I would have wore this costume when I didn’t have a girlfriend. Why you ask?

Look at the size of Mu’s schlong! Granted his dick looked bigger then his legs, girls were still grabbing at my shit all night long, just to find out if it was real or not. Perv you say? Well perv is what I like!

As the night advanced, over the booming music I could hear people talking about strippers and one dumb bastard came up to me to tell me about the good time he was having and added how he could not believe that we ordered strippers to come to our Halloween party. Strippers?

These girls weren’t strippers. They were just Oneonta skanks that liked to dance on tables and take their clothes off.

As soon as I saw this I had to throw Mu and Losee up there to “check out the situation.” Why didn’t I do it? Look at the girls. You’ll then know why.

”Why the hell did Camia put me up here?!? This girl needs to either decide if she wants to take her shirt off or not, ‘cause this half up shit isn’t doing shit for me. That bra alone makes me want to vomit all over her bird like nose.”

”This girl is more my type. Maybe if I put my cape around her she’ll tickle my pickle with that feather she has been waving around all night.”

Even Losee had to get down with the busted maid and her friend that didn’t quite wanna show 24 Columbia St. her boobs.

But this girl didn’t mind getting in on the action. She gladly took part in showing the camera her fat tits.

There are other pictures that are far better then the ones you have just seen. But thanks to the Oneonta Walmart…

That wasn’t going to be allowed in these parts of town.

This Halloween I return to Oneonta. Perver then ever on a mission to get my crotch grabbed once again.

Nun-Better, or Greatest Moments in Hook-Up History (Part I) Revisited
By Paul Feuer

October means a couple things for people. For guys it usually means baseball playoffs and Halloween, but luckily for me both of these came together on one special night.

On a night when Derek Jeter hit a homerun on Halloween at the stroke of midnight to be labeled “Mr. November,” I graciously stole the title from him only minutes…no wait…seconds later.

Eggs and shaving cream define Halloween in High School. In college, it’s the night any guy can score. It doesn’t matter how ugly you are because you are all covered up. Plus you can throw out lines like “You + Me = Sex” all nightlong and nobody will ever know it was you the next day in class.

Taking this mentality to heart, Ian Valentine, Jim Byrne, and myself walked into Spencer Gifts on Halloween day and bought the ass of costumes left over. Three Nun costumes for half price was not a bad deal. Plus drunk phrases such as “Holler-luiah” and “Wanna confess your sins to me tonight?” were looking to be golden.

(left to right) Ian Valentine (when he had acne), Jim Byrne, Paul “Mr. November” and three set of pumpkin tits

We arrived at the Frat house party around 10 p.m. A typical Fraternity house that had only wood floors, empty liquor bottles, and cum strained couches. The girls were looking hot as ever and the cheap keg beer only made them hotter.

A few weeks earlier my three roommates and I decided to have a hookup contest. It would last through the school year and whoever had the most points would receive the golden vagina award. The teams were split into pairs and the point system was as followed:

1 point: Kissing

3 points: Tits or Hand job

5 points: Blowjob or Eating out

10 points: Sex

20 points: Orgy

Actually it stopped after 10 points but I’m sure we would have given some brownie points for a threesome or more. Try it with your roommates. It makes for fun times when they are trying to catch up and resort to ugly and obese girls to tack on a few more points.

Anyway, heading into this night my dorm room was in a dead heat tie. Jay Han (3rd roommate) had been hooking up with fat chicks and Putter (4th roommate) had just swiped the V-card. Jim and me got our points with a little here and a little there. After tonight though, Jim and me would take the go-ahead lead and never look back.

I was stumbling around the party shouting sweet nothings when a girl stops me and whispers the sweetest, kindest, most dearest words a guy could ever hear… “Do you want head?”

Stunned. All I could think about is how I could ruin this girl’s life. I knew I couldn’t fuck this up so all I said was “Yes.”

She grabbed my hand and took me upstairs away from the party. On top of the stairs I sat down and the girl asked if I wanted to make out first. “No, I have a girlfriend. I can’t do that to her…”

Clearly I was lying my ass off, I had no girl, but I knew making out would lead to no head. She would get all passionate and fall in love with me like so many girls at frat parties do.

She said something that I didn’t pay any attention to and then went to work. I don’t know if it was the powers of the Nun costume or the atmosphere, but I was finished quicker than the Buffalo Bills’ season hopes.

Again the stupid girl asked if I wanted to make out. I just pulled my shorts back up and moved her out of the way. I got what I needed, no need to act nice to her anymore. As I went downstairs I instantly found my roommates and told them I just scored five points. Needless to say they were quite jealous.

Eventually the Fraternity house would be busted by cops and the next year the house was deserted. My landlord decided to buy the house and fix it up. To make matters even better my friend from work came up to me one day to tell me about this awesome house they had just rented.

When I heard the address I smirked and told him how I tagged that house only last year. Every time I enter that house and stand on top of those stairs I feel like Rocky when he runs up all those stairs and stands at the top.

And yea she swallowed.

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