I love women. It scares me how heterosexual I am. My tastes differ from many other guys, though. They tend to talk about girls that everyone knows about already.

Alyssa Milano. Yawn.

Jessica Alba. Wow, what an original choice.

Angelina Jolie. Good luck writing something about her that hasn’t been written about one hundred times before in several different languages.

Read this section and I’ll give you an array of women, my friend. You don’t have to live by the mainstream media anymore. Expand your mind.

10. Leisha Hailey

This feature got off to a rough start when I discovered that my first pick, Leisha Hailey, is a lesbian. She’s a hardcore lesbo, too. She dated KD Lang and she’s on “The L Word” on Showtime! It doesn’t get any gayer than that. I did not know about Leisha’s sexual preference before I picked her – I didn’t even know her name. I just knew that I had a crush on that girl from the Yoplait commercials, which turned out to Ms. Hailey. You know which commercials I mean. Two friends – one a white girl, the other a black girl – are eating Yoplait and they keep saying the yogurt is different a type of good.

“This is driving with no shoes on good.”

“This is getting a massage good.”

“This is eating out KD Lang good.”

Despite the fact that she doesn’t care for men, I still have a thing for Leisha Hailey. I just dig her spunkiness in the commercial, although the commercials are stupid beyond words. Plus she’s got the short hair thing going. If she was straight and not a celebrity, I think I would have a chance with her.

Now here’s a treat for everyone. Because he loved my article about him, a special someone has agreed to join me as a special commentator. Please welcome the one, the only, THE PORN LEGEND, RANDY WEST!

Good addition, Randy. Thank you for that.

If you’re reading this Leisha Hailey, I just want to say that I support your sexuality, but I still have a thing for you. Also, will you and the black chick from the Yoplait commercials ever get it on? America wants to know.

9. Laetitia Casta

Puberty hit me like a ton of bricks in 1996. With no Playboy or Internet in the house, I turned to the one thing that could satiate my throbbing biological urges. This, naturally, was Victoria’s Secret, the lingerie catalog that is the closest thing to naked chicks a poor 14-year old has. The chicks in this magazine were like goddesses to me, but the one who stuck out the most was Laetitia Casta.

I will sacrifice fifty goats in your name, goddess Laetitia

She was the first girl that I ever satisfied myself to. And before you retort with, “That’s more information than I wanted to know,” just know that retort has been done to death and you’re a pile of walrus shit. Laetitia just did it for me and I didn’t even know how to pronounce her name. I said “Lay-tit-eeya” like a fucking idiot. It’s pronounced “Lay-teesh-a.” What do you think, Randy?

Randy, you’re a modern day poet.

Laetita Casta, I love you and you’ll always have a special place in heart…and groin. It’s just a shame that you’re French. You probably stink real bad.

8. Emmanuelle Chriqui

I have no idea who this girl is. I wanted to choose someone random, so I asked my co-worker for an idea. He told me to pick Emmanuelle Chriqui, so I did. Let’s see what I can dig up…

She played Sloan on “Entourage,” she was in that movie “Wrong Turn,” and she had a part in the recently released/recent flop, “…Waiting.” Emmanuelle looks cute and she’s Canadian. Being both Canadian and cute earns more points to her score, considering that 90% of Canadians have no sex appeal.

I should visit Canada when it stops snowing, but I may be busy that week

I think we can expect bigger roles for Emmanuelle in the future. She’s coming out with a movie called “After Sex,” so I think we can also expect bigger bulges in our pants. Any thoughts, Randy?

I don’t know where I would be in this article without you, Mr. West. You add so much with your wise words.

To sum it all up, Emmanuelle is hot, but I should have picked a porn star instead. Speaking of which…

7. Monique

There are some things in this world that can destroy you in an instant. Lightning striking you, a train hitting you, or being thrown into a giant blender. There is also having sex with ebony porn star Monique. This chick is a FREAK. Not the circus freak, but the horny, kinky freak. When this girl is on camera, she gives it her all. When she is giving it her all, she gives a little more. She grunts and growls like Lucifer himself possessed her. Then Lucifer gets scared away because Monique just keeps on going. Her eyes bulge out and she curses at her lover to give her more. She cannot get enough. It’s not even arousing at times. It’s just something that you can’t stop watching.

Oh shit, she has us in her sights! RUN!

I’ve never seen a porn star do double anal before Monique. I have to say, she handled it well. I’m not choosing her because of her looks or because of her body – it’s all about her attitude. Her job is to be horny and screw. She does it and does it very well. If I were her boss, I’d give her a raise. Randy, I’m interested in hearing what you think about Monique.

Thank you once again, Randy. I’m glad that I paid for your roundtrip flight from Los Angeles to New York. It was worth every penny.

Monique has a website and the security there is commendable. Pictures cannot be copied off the site and there are numerous types of memberships in order to access certain things. And by numerous, I really mean numerous. There’s Bronze membership, Silver membership, Gold membership, Platinum membership, and the granddaddy of ‘em all, Titanium membership. What happens if you’re a Titanium member? Does Monique come to your house and have sex with you? I don’t plan to find out because although I dig Monique, she scares me a bit.

6. Barbara Moore

Barbara Moore was a Playboy Playmate. Whoever read my comic in “ZubazPants.com Relaunches ZubazPants.com” will know her as the woman that I was turned into when Jim made me get a sex change operation. Barbara is a fine specimen of woman who is only getting better with age. You know what that means? MILF!!!

My server is lame and doesn’t allow nudity, so I will censor naughty areas with the head of stickfigure Fishman

Barbara is so fucking hot. I just want to jump into her cleavage and never leave. I’ve been naughty, Ms. Moore. I think I have to be spanked. Wait…that’s no good. I mean YOU have to be spanked! You make me want to get on my knees and thank God that I’m a straight man. Randy, I know you agree with me on this one.

Terrific.

5. Aishwarya Rai

Former Miss Universe Aishwarya Rai was picked because I once again asked my co-worker whom he would choose. Unlike Emmanuelle Chriqui, Aishwarya is a supreme choice and I’m glad that I found out about her. The first reason Ms. Rai was a great choice is because she was MISS UNIVERSE! Those three-tit chicks on Mars have nothing on Ms. Rai – she has the entire universe knowing that she’s better (I have actually read that she’s only Miss World, but for this article, let’s ignore that). The second reason Aishwarya was a good choice is because she’s Indian. I don’t think anyone drafted an Indian woman for their articles, so being multicultural about my writing makes me feel special.

I would make a trite Indian joke here, but I’m not 15-years old

Third reason: she’s a Bollywood star. Those movies always make me laugh, even if they’re not supposed to. And lastly, she once had acid thrown at her. Now I can’t find anything about this online, but my co-worker says it happened. I think it’s because someone didn’t approve of her being so open with her looks or something. Nevertheless, she refused to be intimidated and kept on doing her thing. You have to respect that. What’s your take, Randy?

Thanks for sharing that with us, Randy. Your comments are appreciated, as well as incredibly stupid.

4. Psylocke

Psylocke is, or was, a member of the X-Men, the awesome comic that has recently sucked more ass than a gay guy. Shitty art, dumb new heroes, and stupid plotlines have ruined the comic. I mean, they introduced a new mutant who can stretch out his skin and they name him Skin? LAME! Back in 1991, the franchise was a masterpiece and the art was actually good. That’s why I liked Psylocke.

If I could draw Psylocke, I would have many notebooks filled with naughty art

Psylocke has telepathic powers and ninja skills. She can even manifest her psychic powers into her hand, creating a psychic knife. When that thing is stabbed into your head, your brain will shut down temporarily. I think. Who cares? Psylocke is hot. Her outfit is revealing and she’s got a slamming body. There’s nothing wrong with thinking that a fictional babe is a babe. Right, Randy?

Well, excuse me, Mr. Special. Not all of us have had sex with thousands of women.

3. Tishara Lee Cousino

Otherwise known as Miss May 1999. Tishara was the first Playboy Playmate that I truly had a thing for. There is a picture of her that I always drool over, but I cannot find it anywhere. So, here’s a picture of her naked in bed.

Not the picture that I wanted to use, but it still gets the job done

Unlike most other Playboy girls, Tishara didn’t seem airbrushed. She had a natural beauty about her, although I doubt her boobs are natural. Tishara also strikes me as a giving lover. I bet if I got her in bed, she would nurture my sexual needs in a caring way that would leave me emotionally and physically fulfilled. Or she would tie me up and steal my money. Either way, I would just like to touch her. Randy, enlighten us.

Good call.

2. Asami Kanno

It’s time to go multicultural again. Asami Kanno is a Japanese model. A naked model, anyway. She’s a fine piece of woman. Asami looks like a classic Japanese beauty – reserved, elegant…and…uh…likes sushi. I can’t really think of a third example of a classic Japanese beauty. I really haven’t met any classic Japanese beauties before.

How do you say, “Let’s begin with reverse cowgirl” in Japanese?

Ms. Kanno – or Kanno-san if you want to be a nerd about it – has a great body, great face, and I am certain that when she gets down, she throws her elegance out the window and goes wild. I’m glad that I chose a Japanese chick because Pacific Rim females are underrated. As a matter of fact, because Asami is so hot, I forgive the whole World War II thing. If Japan keeps producing more women like Asami Kanno, we should give them Hawaii, or at least Wyoming. Randy, your fans are waiting for your sage advice.

Way to be, Randy. Way to be.

1. Vida Guerra

Some men are attracted to a woman’s breasts. Some men are attracted to a woman’s legs. Some men are attracted to woman’s ass. I was never any of those three. I didn’t need one aspect of a woman to be outstanding – I just needed a cute woman. Then one day I opened FHM magazine and saw a group shot of five ladies in lingerie. I recall one lady having a spectacular ass. I couldn’t stop looking at it. She completely stole the show from the other four. It turns out that I wasn’t the only person who felt that way.

In the next issue of FHM, they printed many letters from readers demanding to know more about the woman with the incredible behind. It wasn’t before long that FHM decided to dedicate several pages to this ass goddess named Vida Guerra. She is now a star.

I would pay to smell her farts

I would eat ice cream off that thing. I would read it bedtime stories if Vida asked me to. I would get a tattoo of that ass…oh wait, SOMEONE ACTUALLY DID! If used properly, Vida could rule the world with that ass of hers. Men cannot stand up to that thing. It’s too awesome and too delicious. Thanks to Vida’s ass, I can proudly say that I am an ass man. Do yourself a favor and go to Google Image Search, type in “Vida Guerra,” and indulge yourself. Randy, what do you think of Vida’s ass?

Amen, brother.

That’s it for my part in this massive feature. I would like to thank Randy West and the beautiful women that I have chosen. I wish that someday one of those women will sit on my face.

Questions or comments? E-mail Zubazfiles@yahoo.com