I love women. Blonde hair, brown hair, big ta-ta’s, small ta-ta’s, brown eyes, green eyes, and blue eyes too, a nice booty and a pretty smile, and we are on our way. Out of all of the women in the world for me to choose from, ten stick out in my mind right now. Ten beautiful women. So without further pervness, it is my pleasure to introduce them to you.

10. Bonnie Bernstein

What? You think I prefer CBS because of Armen Keteyain?

Sorry Armen.

What is better on a Sunday afternoon then your football team winning and this bundled up hottie interviewing on the sidelines?

Maybe some hot cocoa?

Needless to say, at number ten, this bundled up, sidleline skank can keep me happy all season.

9. Lois Griffin

First comes Bonnie at noon, followed by the only thing good Fox has going for itself on Sundays.

The Luscious Lois Griffin

Even though her nose looks a lot like her tits, she’s still number 9 in my book.

I wonder, is the carpet the same color as the curtains?

So go suck on a lemon Lindsay Lohan from a few years ago, because I think I speak for everyone when I say that Lois Griffin is the hottest fire crotch EVER.

8. Stacey Dash

You know her from Clueless…

No not the fat, pre-anorexic Brittany Murphy, or the side-mouthed talking Alicia Silverstone..

…But I know her from the Kanye West video “When it all falls down,” as the girl with the nipples that could cut through diamonds.

Birds could perch on those fuckers.

Thank you Stacey Dash for having the nicest/hardest nipples on my top ten.

7. Christina Milian

I don’t know what she’s been in, and quite frankly I don’t give a damn.

Fuck Nick Cannon

Still don’t know what she’s in. But I do know I’d like to be in her.

Once again, fuck Nick Cannon

Christina Milian is so hot, the type of girl I would like to bring home and make things at the dinner table awkward.

6. Sunny (Circa 1997)

Although she might not look so hot any longer, and she might have been WWF’s tag team slut, Sunny from 1997-1999 was hot regardless what tag team she managed. Every team she managed, she managed to pull of a hotter, sluttier image. And as a 15-year old stud, it was alright by me.

Yeah, I bought that issue the day it came out, and I still have it to this date, although the pages might be a little sticky, its somewhere.

I even went so far as to tape Raw just for Sunny.

Can you imagine what it would be like to unwrap that present at age 15?!?! Well lets just say I thought about that long and hard many times.

Sunny, Thank you for possibly being the girl I whacked it to the most on my countdown.

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Have you ever held a girl so high on a pedestal that you couldn’t think dirty thoughts of?

I couldn’t hardly wait to go see Can’t Hardly Wait, so much that I saw it twice in the theaters… within a 24 hour period. And I swear I didn’t beat it to her in that movie.

Well Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of the two girls I have held on that pedestal for quite some time.

Call me, I can’t hardly wait.

4. Cheryl Hines

If I were to ask Larry David one question it would be “How do you not get a boner when you film those bed scenes with Cheryl Hines?”

I don’t know how old you are Cheryl, and honestly, I don’t give a shit.

After looking at pictures on top of pictures of Cheryl Hines, and watching multiple episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I still don’t know what it is about her that makes her so fucken hot. She’s got a tiny nose, tiny eyes and a HUGE set of teeth that produces the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.

What do I get if I take one of those pamphlet?

As long as those teeth don’t get in the way of the fellatio, we’re cool Ms. Hines.

3. Rachel Bilson

I’ve watched the OC. Call me a fag. But before you do, let me tell you the reason why I have caught myself watching.

Mischa Barton ain’t got SHIT on Rachel Bilson

She plays the whining girlfriend of the whining Jewish kid.

I love you too!

Channel 5, 8 o’clock on Thursdays. See you there fags.

2. Evangeline Lilly

She plays an escaped convict. I bet we can put those cuffs to use.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you to sit up straight?

She looks kind of like Jessica Biel, yet hotter.

Yes, I like your shiny lips. If I could only get something of mine with that shine. BAAA-ZING

You are the real reason I watched the whole first season of Lost in five days.

1. Jessica Simpson

If you know me, you know that for YEARS, I have been obsessed with Jessica Simpson. This girl is a perfect TEN. She is also that girl that is held high on that pedestal for years.

It says “pink” on your butt.

Just look. Don’t say a thing.

A PERFECT TEN. No, I will not hold that acne commercial against you, I will just change the channel

I am sorry if you wanted to hear me say something perverted that I would normally say about any other girl, but in the case of Jessica Simpson, that I cannot do.

Questions or comments? E-mail Zubazfiles@yahoo.com