All I have to say is my list dominates.

While the rest of the Zubaz perverts were drafting their picks and thinking to themselves, “Oh this might be a funny one I can write funny stuff about HAHA, maybe I’ll draft THE BLAIR WITCH and get a slight chuckle from NOBODY!!!!!!,” I was assembling a high quality squad of Grade A female quality. If it weren’t for my low position in the draft I would have taken Jessica Alba and had a flawless draft! DAMN YOU DAMIEN TRILOGY!

10. Trina Valentine

MMMMMMM MMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!! Look at this fine Hunny. She happens to be the mother of ZubazPants.com’s one and only Ian Valentine. I’ve never met this woman myself, but I’ve heard that she kisses on the lips everytime.

Take a look at Mr. Valentine’s face in this picture, he’s got that “Yeah, I’m tapping that” swagger to him … lucky fucking bastard.

Ian Valentine even told me himself that when he was born and came out of his mothers cooch, his first words as he looked at the vagina he had just squeezed himself out of was “OOOO LA LA!!!!!” Ok now moving on.

9. Ali Landry, AKA The Doritos Girl

I was first introduced to this fine specimen I believe when she was rolling around on the beach in some 98 Degrees video. She may have made it higher on the list if this was the year 1999, I thought she was a little washed up and to tell you the truth I got her as a late round draft pick, so I figured it was like when the Seattle Sonics signed Patrick Ewing. I think this next picture alone does its justice for my signing.

JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH

Can you believe fucking A.C. Slater married this chick?!! Even worse he cheated on her and she divorced him. C’mon A.C. this isn’t fucking 1992 anymore, GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM, you’re going to have a tough time macking it to ladies now saying, “Well you know, I just happen to be the Host of America’s Funniest Animals … on Animal Planet.”

My God A.C., what THE FUCK were you thinking.

8.Adriana Lima

I felt this next draft pick was like taking Joe Montana in 9th round of the NFL Draft. This Brazilian piece of Super Model ass has got to be one of the hottest things that has ever walked this planet. A late round steal if there ever was one. While the Zubaz clowns were drafting “Becky Hammond of the New York Liberty,” and that rich cartoon bitch “BeBe Bluff,” (Editor’s note: Doug’s BeBe Bluff was eventually cut by Jim Byrne) I was making the steal of the century.

WHAT A STEAL!

I know all the other Zubazkateers are thinking picking a Victoria Secret supermodel is a cop out … well FUCK THAT. If you found a Genie’s lamp and he gave you the ability to have sex with 10 girls of your choosing in the world, YOU KNOW SHE WOULD BE ON THE LIST.

There must be something in the water in Brazil

7. Monica Keena

You may know her as that bitch Eric’s ex girlfriend on the HBO show “Entourage.” She actually went undrafted much to my surprise so I replaced my 7th round draft pick, Mila Kunis, with her. SHE IS DAMN HOT in a different kind of way that I can’t really put my finger on. Sorry Mila, nothing personal, I still think you are hot, it’s just that the pictures of you without much clothing on didn’t appeal to me too much.

My god you are hot

Since people are probably only looking at the pictures, what I write here doesn’t mean much, and I fear that I already am sounding too much like those toolbox writers for Maxim. So BLAH BLAH BLIGGIDLY BLOOOOOOOOOOO

That’s the definition of a “cute” ass.

As we continue on we will take a stroll down memory lane back to the 3rd grade with my next pick.

6. Rogue from X-Men

When I was in the 3rd grade I had a major crush on this chick, too bad for me she was animated. But if she were real, that would present another problem because you cannot touch her without her stealing all of your strength and turning you a strange color. You best have one of those full body condoms from “Naked Gun” if you want to fuck this chick.

Stick your dick in her and it will most likely fall off … is it worth it? That is the question.

What was with the white patch in the hair? Was she stressed out all the time from dealing with the troubles that come with being a mutant? Did her special powers cause it? Or did Gambit blow a load in her hair that stained it permanently? The world may never know.

Oh, those horny Taiwanese comic book artists

My next pick will step out of the realm of the animated and take a dip into the land of near pedophilia. I hope you enjoy the trip.

5. Kristen from “Laguna Beach”

Now this happened to be the most controversial pick of the draft. Just the night before I made this pick, Nick Rude said his next pick was going to be Kristen. When he said this a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that I was one pick before him in the draft. So when the time came to pick, I nabbed her out of Rude’s artistic mitts and needless to say Rude was none too pleased.

Enjoy her youthful beauty now for she will soon be ravaged by College cock

What is it about hot High School girls? Something about them seems so fresh. Once they step into college they are forever tainted because you know the college dicks are coming for them, and will taint their innocence forever. Even if the girl was a big slut in high school, her slutty stats are sure to go up tenfold in college. This gives me an idea for a new online fantasy game, Fantasy Sluts. Pick the biggest high school sluts in the nation before they enter their freshman year of college and they will earn points in categories like Blowjobs given, facials allowed, times fucked (Without condom earns more points) and the biggest points will be given out to threesomes involved in and giant orgies. If your girl gets pregnant or gets a disease she is eliminated from the league.

Wow, I am a sicko. I contemplated deleting that last paragraph, but I have nothing else to say so I’ll let it stay there.

Wish I could find a sluttier picture

Ok that last section got a little too sick so we will be moving on to a woman a bit older and hotter.

4. Jamie Pressley

She has to be one of my all time favorites. It doesn’t get much hotter than Jamie Pressley and I am very glad I was able to pick her up as my 4th round draft pick. She is perfect in so many ways. Hot face, perfect ass, hot body, hot voice, she hits on all cylinders. I think the pictures I found of her are some of the best things these eyes have ever seen. Enjoy!

It doesn’t get much better than that, it just doesn’t.

She may be a little past her prime now, but in her heyday she may have been the hottest blonde female I have ever seen. I think she may be fucking Kid Rock now, which makes me very angry deep down inside.

Now that is the fucking American Dream in picture form.

Next we will move on to the 3rd pick in the draft and a very high quality one indeed.

3. Jessica Biel

I will start off by saying that she DOMINATED that baby faced other girl from 7th Heaven, who I believe was picked up later in the draft by his Pervness himself Mr. Paul Feuer. Paul, you and I both know that she is the hotter one, don’t lie and say the other same expression every time chubby faced one is better! BECAUSE IT IS A LIE! I believe Mu feels the same way about the baby-faced girl as well. All I can say is WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!

I think she was trying to get fired from 7th Heaven when she did this photo shoot.

You cannot deny that Jessica Biel is hotter than the other chick, show me the other chick in a hot skimpy photo shoot and we will compare. Oh what’s that? She’s never taken her clothes off for the camera before? Oh BOO-HOO!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that wraps up the white chick portion of my list, now we will be moving on and spicing it up a little bit to a two girls who probably dominate all the rest in bed, and unfortunately I promised ZubazPants.com’s resident Gindaloon he could write for my next pick. Well it was more like he threatened to kick my ass, but that’s besides the point, so Joey Scaglionni will be doing the next pick of mine.

2. Beyonce

Heyyyyyyyyyyy, how you doin’ everybody eh? Good? Ok already let’s get down to business. I got real mad that these faggots left me out of this draft, ya know? They fuckin’ think they could do shit around here behind my back. If it was up to fuckin’ me I would have choose Marisa Tomei for every fuckin’ pick you know what I’m sayin’. So anyway Beyonce huh? What does this fuckin’ Bryan Byrne kid got jungle fever or some shit, WHAT THE FUCK? Nah, Nah I’m just fuckin’ around, I love my fuckin’ chicks brown, ya know? ‘

I’d show this bitch the fuckin’ sausage and peppers if you know what I mean.

MANNNNN!!!!! Just the thought of me sliding my fuckin’ white cock through those fuckin’ dark pussy lips really gets my juices flowing you know. Look at that fuckin’ ass BRO!!! I would fuckin’ slap that shit with my dick over and over again. Just imagine blowing your fuckin’ load on her seeing that fuckin’ white semen contrasted by that fuckin’ black ass, it’s a fuckin’ thing of beauty you know what I’m sayin’!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh isn’t that nice

Ok now that Joey Scaggs is done it’s time for Numero UNO BABY!

1. Eva Mendes

Yeah, I like me a hot Spanish woman OK? And I think this one is the cream of the crop. Fuck JLo she is fucking as overrated as Tom Brady is as a Quarterback. I bet she would be wild as all hell in bed.

Spicy

If I die not having fucked a hot exotic women I would consider my life a failure, thus my picking this woman as my top pick. I bet a lot of white men are missing out not even knowing it in their lives by fucking the same old boring white chick. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY, THERE CAN BE SPICINESS IN YOUR LIFE!

WOWSERS

Ok, Ok, so this concludes my dominating list of females, you will not read another list that is better in this feature. I hope I didn’t perv you out along the way, and if I did … well you probably enjoyed it! I also hope that you did not decide to whip out your dick and start jerking it also while looking at my fantastic pictures. THANK YOU, THAT IS ALL.