Finally…Ian Valentine has come back to writing about hookup stories. Yes fans, after many months of my pansy friends putting their morals before their penises, a buddy of mine finally did me proud. He went out, he met a girl, steamrolled the hell out of her, and did so in a manner that leaves me with a story suitable for the Penthouse Forum that certainly needs to be shared.

No kids, this isn’t just your average run of the mill one-nightstand story. If you have read my previous hookup stories, you will know that this story is an Ian Valentine-approved, sexually debaucherous tale of the utmost proportions. This my friends, was a fornication fiesta.

So without further ado, the hookup story off season is over, and I bring to you the latest installment of Great Moments In Hookup History.

The setting was similar to most college scenarios. A bunch of hooligans at the bar drinking until they can't feel feelings anymore, all the while keeping their eyes peeled for possible prey to take advantage of in efforts to get a nut, with one of these people being my friend, and another being me in the wingman role since I have a girlfriend. To be quite honest with you, the night started out quite lame. No girls were feeling our machismo, and it was becoming readily apparent that we were both destined for a nightcap with our hands and some downloaded porn, as no girl was coming near him and my relationship with my girlfriend was a long distance one. However, the night was young, so we decided to play some good old-fashioned beer pong in hopes the night would pick up. And boy would it.

Unfortunately, our playing beer pong didn’t help anyone’s chances of getting their balls licked. Classicly, instead of playing a tandem to two hot girls that every guy hopes calls winner, we got stuck playing two collar-popping fratboy Neanderthals. Eventually we lost to them, but not because we played bad of course, but because one of their players was Mr. Roboto, a beer pong machine who never missed and was figuratively using the ping pong balls as anal beads to push our shit in right in front of the whole bar. Dick.

With that loss, we had seen enough. My friend didn't have any prospects for a girl, and we were being embarrassed at the bar. So we made a decision to split a pitcher, grab a bite to eat, and get the Hell out of dodge while we still had our dignity.

However, little did we know that by the end of the night, dignity would only go home with one of us, and to the other it would only going to be a seven letter word.

While chipping away at this final pitcher and eating our food, we notice the next beer pong challengers. And just our luck, they were two hot hoochies. But not just any hot hoochies. These girls were hammered. So hammered that I actually said to my friend, “I’ll bet you a shot one of those girls falls before the end of the game.” Under typical circumstances, girls like this are walking targets to guys at the bar, as the only thing they are missing are bull’s eyes on the kooches. However, these girls were so blitzed that we told ourselves that it would be too easy, and even though I have more hair than we have morals, even we couldn't sink that low. Well not with so many witnesses at least.

I have to admit, their game was entertaining. Watching these hammered girls play was like watching the Special Olympics, you felt bad for them, and sure they were horrible and were pathetic in the long run, but you still cheered for them anyways. But in the end they lost with flying colors, and unfortunately for me, neither of them fell. Lucky for me though, my friend wouldn’t be there long enough for me to buy him a shot, as them losing this game would prove to be the turning point of the night.

We were sitting there quietly, both secretly pondering what porn each of us would later choose to be our weapon of choice, when one of the drunk chicks came over to us and simply stated, “I wanted to say goodbye before I left.”

Usually this would be ok. But considering we talked to our penises earlier in the night in giving them pep talks for a night on the town more than these hussies, a red light went off in our heads. This chick was looking to have her vagina filled. Seeing this as an opportunity. My friend tucked his boner and brought out his A-Game.

You might be wondering, “I thought you said she was too drunk to take advantage of?” Well you would be right. But she approached us so all bets are off. She officially came onto you, so you technically didn’t sink so low as to actively go for the alcohol induced sure thing. Reacting is ok, but acting is no good. After all, all’s fair in love and working a girl who approached you. And that includes changing your standards.

Anyways, considering she was saying goodbye and I have a girlfriend, the ball was in my friend's court and he had to act fast. And being the typical guy, he did what any guy would do, he bought her a drink. But by buy her a drink, I mean he gave her the equivalent of licking an ashtray, as he poured her a glass from our fine pitcher of Coors Light. Yet, this was all it took. At this point the floodgates opened, and it was officially a sealed deal. The pussy was delivered to his doorstep, he just had to seal the deal.

The next sequence of events could probably be equated with the amount of time it takes to cook the best seventeen cent meal money can buy, ramen noodles. Literally, it all took place in a matter of 3-5 minutes, with a finale culminating with a draining of the noodles, with the noodle being my friends’ package, and the strainer being the hoes baby maker.

First, just like any girl, naturally she accepted the free beer. She then took one sip, and like some sort of estrogen trigger, her hormones kicked into overdrive and she went for the glory.

It started when she noticed he had an oh, so clever and truly unique tribal band tattoo on his bicep. But Hell, anyone could have noticed that since my friend was being That Guy who’s shirt is too small so that he could display his arms, so I won’t give her too much tramp credit for that. But then she started to rub his tattoo. But not just a rub, it was more like a deep massage like rub. Basically, imagine giving a bicep a hand job, that is if you choose to imagine such a grotesque scene.

I guess about 30 seconds later she went for the kiss. But this wasn’t just any kiss, this kiss ended with her biting his lip and pulling it away from his face. And not just a playful nibble, honestly, for a split second I though I was watching some girl making out with one of those Africans who put cylinders in their lips for reasons that make no sense beyond making their lips hang like a 60 year old woman’s mammary pillows. I cringed watching this, but I couldn’t help but notice things were getting spicy real fast.

However, although this was a truly vile thing for me to watch, my friend seemed to be into it. Well, either that or he found that easy to overlook as about 15 seconds after this kiss she grabbed his tattoo wielding hand and placed it right on her big ass hooter. Well, a handful of a hooter at least.

So now here I am, watching my boy getting his lip pulled out like he’s the long lost son of Stretch Armstrong while being force fed some titty action (not like he’s complaining), right in the middle of a bar.

Needless to say, they were starting to make a scene. I mean, this kind of thing is ok for an 8th grade make out party, but not for a bar crowded with adults. At this point, I try to formulate a way to get myself out of this sinking ship of a situation before I get associated with these perverts.

But before I could make my move, things got worse. After all, remember this is all happening probably faster than you can read this.

After about one minute of kneading her tits like he was making some dough, they stopped kissing and she took his hands off her tits. Then she made a move.

She made move down south. She started to unbutton her pants while eye fucking the hell out of my friend. Yes, she started to unbutton her pants in the middle of the bar after everyone was already watching. At this point, this scene was like a trainwreck, I knew it was horrible, but for some reason I just couldn’t look away. I remember thinking, ‘no way. She isn’t doing what I think she is…is she? No one would go that low (literally) in the middle of a bar would they?’

I then looked at my friend. This son of a bitch was watching this girl eye fuck him while undoing her pants and smiling like a four-year-old at Christmas. He then looked at me, we locked eyes, and we both burst out laughing. Basically, without even saying a word we both were thinking, ‘holy shit is this girl serious? This is too easy!’

But that instant of us laughing in her face didn’t slow her down. She then grabbed my friends inked up hand and shoved it down her pants right in front of everyone.

This whole situation was just too surreal. I was watching my friend stepping up to bat and about to hit a homerun right before my very eyes. Disgusting? Yes. Disturbing? You know it. But for some reason it was kind of exciting and I was kind of interested to see what the Hell would happen next. But in thinking about that, I did the math and realized the next likeliest thing to come out would probably be my friend’s dick. And I think every guy can agree here that the last thing any guy wants to see is his friends’ dick. That’s grounds for ending a friendship. You just can’t look at the guy the same…EVER.

So I decided it was about time for me to get the Hell out of there before my brain was scarred with the image of my friends’ package and before I turned into an accomplice to this debacle. After all, the last thing I needed on my record was aiding and abetting public fornicators.

But they beat me too it.

After a solid three to five minutes of going to town in the middle of the bar, the girl finally asked what we all knew was coming. She asked him to take the scene back to her apartment.

And much to the pleasure of all of us witnesses and both of their libidos, he did what any straight man would do and said yes. So he left me at the bar and went home with a girl who was a sure thing, and was probably going to give him a cataclysmic orgasm.

The next sequence of events may go down in infamy. Something was going to make this encounter even more interesting and groundbreaking than it already was.

Was it the fact that she started undressing in the taxi on the way home and was naked by the time she got to her apartment door? No that’s not it.

Maybe it was because her seemingly handful size tits turned out to be a bigger disappointment than the movie Pearl Harbor as they were simply a product of a miracle working push up bra. And let me just say they aren’t kidding when they call them Wonder bras as these things create quite the optical illusion. But no, that wasn’t it either.

What makes this a truly infamous story is a roadblock my friend encountered on his path towards penetration.

You see, everything was going great as she was butt ass naked on the bed and basically had ‘consenting’ written on her forehead. So my friend went for it. Like sex out of the 90’s he decided to use a condom, so he put it on, grabbed his dick and went for the kooch.

But then he saw the gateways to hell.

She had her period. And what’s even worse is that the string to the tampon was hanging out of her. Forget seeing your friend’s dick, this may be the grossest thing any guy would ever want to see. Pussies are usually a good thing to have in front of you, but not when it has blood pouring out of it like a like a six-year-olds skinned knee. NASTY shit. Talk about a cock block. That can make you go limp real fast.

So now my friend was in an extremely awkward position. What the hell does he do? Obviously he doesn’t have sex with this girl, but how do you break it to her? I mean your condoms already on and everything. Naturally you want to ask her why the fuck she brought you all the way home in the first place if she had her period, but you don’t want to be too mean, as if you play your cards right maybe you can at least get a blow job. So now my friend just had to decide what plan of action he was going to take in order to get out of this bloody situation and still get a nut.

But after a little thinking, instead of bailing out on this situation, he made a decision that will probably churn everyone of you readers’ stomach.

In one of the grossest moves ever done by the male race, he decided that since he was wearing a condom, he was going to fuck this nasty girl, who’s name he more than likely forgot by now, blood and all. Maybe he thought it would add a little more lubrication. Maybe he’s into bondage and the blood turned him on. Either way, he sure wasn’t thinking well enough, because even though about 1.4 percent of me can conceive having sex with a girl on her period as long as I wore a condom, and if was my girlfriend and not a random one night stand, what he did next is the most unimaginable thing I could ever think up.

Instead of asking the girl to go to the bathroom and take out her tampon, he decided to take matters into his own hands. He took the bull by the horns and grabbed the string and pulled that encrusted bitch out by himself as if it was as simple as pulling a cord out of an outlet. He then did what any tampon pulling man would do, instead of wasting time walking over to the garbage to throw it out, he set that bastard right on the table next to him, then made like a Vampire and finally culminated this disgusting hookup by devastating her bloody vagina with his dick, all while the tampon laid there, less than two feet away.

Well maybe I shouldn’t say finally as it really didn’t take too much work or time. Literally it all unfolded over about five minutes, which I am sure doubled the amount of time he lasted while nailing her. But I guess as long as he got laid its all ok, right? Well that’s what I kept telling him the next day at least to try to salvage and self-decency he had left. And that’s what I will always tell him. Well, to his face at least.

Come morning, my friend was stuck with the classic awkwardness of the morning after a hookup, and this one was going to be especially awkward considering his tampon tugging experience. So in an effort to avoid all awkward confrontation, he did what every classy guy does, when he woke up in the early morning and noticed the girl, who I will now refer to as Bloody Mary, was still sleeping, he got up, got dressed, and snuck out of the apartment, never to see her, or hear from her again.

And there you have it. From pouring her a beer, to having his tattoo jerked off and having his lip bit off, to kneading some tits and tickling the kooch all while people watched, to a bloody vagina and a tampon pull, my friend made for a truly classic sex story that I for one will NEVER forget.

And that my friends, is what I call A Great Moment In Hookup History.

Questions? Comments? Want my friend to pour you a beer? If so, email me at Ikartz11@yahoo.com

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