You’ve all seen them. They exist in every college, every university, and in every lecture hall. Hell, you might even be one of them. They are the classic college lecture hall students. You can’t avoid them, they are everywhere. And finally, Ian Valentine is going to tell you all about them. So here they are, in no particular order, the 20 most classic lecture hall students.

The Foreigner
Even though this guy speaks worse English than Helen Keller, he decided to travel across the country to come to an American school. How this guy manages to do the reading, let alone understand the material enough to pass it boggles my mind more than why guys like fat chicks. The only logical explanation is he’s either paying off or nailing the professor. Either way, I hope this immigrant is prepared to get his bullshit degree shoved up his ass in the real world, where contrary to what his homeland may believe, being able to speak English is quite important over here.

That Guy Who Won’t Stop Talking
No matter how many shhhh’s, how many awkward glances, or how many dirty looks the teacher gives this guy, he won’t shut the fuck up. Whatever he has to say is just so important it just cannot wait the extra hour until class is over. As if he is totally oblivious to the people around him, this kid has to shoot the shit with his friend about that sorority chick he nailed over the weekend or about the weed he bought that was ‘the best shit ever,’ but in all actuality he probably overpaid for. That type of stuff is of the utmost importance after all, I mean waiting until after class? Now that’s just being ridiculous. I apologize in advance if my shhhh’s interrupt your vital banter.

The Old Lady
Right smack dab in the middle of their mid life crisis, these people realized they were uneducated morons and were going nowhere in life without a degree. So in a last ditch effort to make something out of their pathetic existence they call a life, these people try to jump right back into the college scene in hopes of adding an education to their piss-poor life experience, and hopefully bettering themselves and their future. Well I have news for you my geriatric friend; you’re wasting your time and money, because the grim reaper is knocking on your door, and you’ll be dead before you do anything with that degree.

That Guy Whose Cell Phone Goes Off
How many times does a person have to piss on the toilet seat before he realizes he has to put it up? You would think this same theory would apply to these people and their phones, but noooooo, no matter how many times they hear someone else’s phone go off, or how many times their own phone goes off, these morons manage to forget to turn their’s off. They’re probably the same guy whose phone goes off in a movie theater even though the theater practically turns your phone off for you with all their warnings. And then they act surprised and rifle through their stuff trying to find their phone before the second ring, which never happens. The only good thing about this guy is that after his phone goes off, every person in the room immediately reaches for their phone in unison to make sure their’s is on vibrate. Way to take a bullet by having your phone go off. We owe you.

That Guy Who Just Sits There
You will typically find this guy in the back corner. Every class this kid just sits there. He doesn’t talk to anyone, and he doesn’t take any notes. Literally, he just sits there, oozing a gigantic ‘fuck class’ attitude. He’s obviously at school on mommy and daddy’s tab because Lord knows no one is stupid enough to flush their own money down the toilet like that, because we all know he’s failing with flying colors. Unfortunately for him, after one semester he’s going to be That Guy who failed out and That Guy whose parents beat his ass for wasting their money.

That Guy with the Laptop
This guy can be divided into two categories. The first is that guy that actually types the class notes on the laptop. This man thinks he is clever, and that everyone is jealous because he has a laptop and doesn’t have to reduce himself to the level of the peons writing notes. Well, I’m sorry to tell you buddy, you are pathetic, no one envies you, and in fact we all pity you, nerd. The other guy with the laptop is the one who plays solitaire the whole class. Now this guy is truly envied. He leaves everyone saying, “Damn, I wish I had a laptop.” However, he thinks he is pulling one over on the professor, when in all actuality the professor is pulling one over on you, as he sees you aren’t typing a damn thing, and as a result he is running a train on your grade.

That Girl Whose Thong Is Always Hanging Out
This is the girl every guy in the place fights to sit behind. Forget looking at the teacher and the chalkboard for the next hour, you now have a glorious and ample booty to feast your eyes on. And the best part, the odds of this chick turning around are next to none, so unlike the sun, you don’t have to just get a glimpse and then look away quickly, you can stare all damn class. And of course, this G-string greatness will provide you with endless amounts of masturbatory fodder for the days in between the next class. To all you thong-showing hussies out there, we salute you.

That Guy Who Packs His Things Early
This is quite possibly the best man in a lecture hall. Three to five minutes before class is starting to end, he starts to pack up his stuff. And like some unspoken student ESP, as soon as the other students hear the rustling of the papers and the zipping of the bookbags, the rest of the class follows suit. Before the teachers knows what hit him, all the students quit class for the day and are ready to run out the door. Now, seeing that the students are already slyly moving towards the exits, the professor has nothing else to say but “and that’s all I have for today, we’ll pick it up next time.”

That Guy Who Forces Himself Through The Door As Soon As The Previous Class Is Over
This person loves class so much that they must be the first person through the door to pick out a prime seat, which will more than likely be the seats that are never taken anyways: the front row. Hell, this guy even runs the gauntlet of fighting the tidal wave of students coming out of the door from the previous class to get that seat. But the threat of getting trampled doesn’t matter, because Hell hath no fury like the guy that needs the first pick of seats. Because God Damnit, if the teacher doesn’t see that person in the front row, he’s obviously going to flunk the class and be a failure. So word to the wise, get out of his way.

That Girl You Know You Know From Somewhere
All semester long this girl haunts your memory bank. You aren’t sure where, and you aren’t sure how, but you know damn well you know this girl from somewhere. Was it a previous class? Is she one of your friends’ friends? Did you give her a mustache ride last semester? Inevitably you spend the whole semester racking your brain trying to figure this out on your own because your incessant staring has created an extremely awkward situation where you creeped the Hell out of her, and as a result you can’t ask her how you know her. Unavoidably you fail in figuring out how you know her, and because of spending so much time on this mental labyrinth instead of schoolwork, you damn near fail the class too. Oh well, finishing college in four years is for losers anyways.

That Guy with the Tape Recorder
I’ll be honest, before my freshman year, this crossed my mind. But then I convinced myself this is the most retarded, dorkiest, pussy repellant thing in the world. Do these schmucks think they are being taught by the Micro Machine Man and can’t keep up? It’s not that hard to keep up and take good notes. Certainly, these guys don’t go home at night and listen to the lecture again and take more notes, do they? No way. They can’t. They don’t. No one is that pathetic. Are they?

The Uh, Um Presentation Guy
This person has the communication skills of a gerbil. At this age, they must know that saying uh and um between words makes you sound like a low rate doofus, but for some reason they rattle them off during class presentation like its some kind of speech impediment. They don’t do it during normal conversation, but put them in front of an audience and their communication skills turn into something only Terri Schiavo would be jealous of. Of course, this is also the person where as soon as they sit down, they turn to the person next to them and ask, “how’d I do?” To which that person has to either lie to their face or tell them they suck more dick than a $2 hooker.

That Guy Who Says ‘I Have A Question’ Before He Asks The Question
I think fellow Zubazer Doug Enemy said it best here when he said “No fucking shit you have a question.” Everyone in the room, including the professor is well aware you have a question to ask. In fact, unless you are stretching in preparation for some intense deltoid workout, you would have no other reason to have your hand in the air besides to ask a question. So why announce it? Well I have a question for you, are you that much of an idiot that not only do you have a question to ask, but you also don’t know the basic fundamentals of classroom conduct? My guess is yes.

That Goofy Guy Who Has A Hot Friend And Thinks He Has A Chance
After meeting a hot girl through a friend’s, friend’s friend, this busted kid, although he has no chance, thinks he may have a shot. So instantly he plays it cool. He tries his best to be her friend and treats her better than he probably treats his penis, all the while waiting for his chance to make his move. Little does he know, or want to admit rather, hot girls don’t want butch guys who treat them like a princess, they want a hot guy with a plethora of hair gel to treat them like shit and run a train on them. So this guy stands no chance of getting any nookie. He’s simply an indentured servant that the girl keeps around to make her feel good until something better comes along and she can kick him to the curb. What’s even worse is he thinks that because he is being seen with this hot girl, he thinks he is cool by association. Sorry buddy, us superior and popular kids see right through that. But thanks for shouldering half the load and being the nice guy while we rail the girl you dream about.

That Guy In His Pajamas
This guy’s wardrobe is screaming ‘I’m lazy, I don’t care about impressing anyone, I’m not clean, and I have no motivation, but it’s ok because I’m comfortable.’ Whether it’s an 8 a.m. class or an evening class, some college kid just rolled out of bed and instead of taking the extra two minutes to change his clothes, he chose to go au natural. The sad part is, if the guy doing it is a popular frat boy, it’s only a matter of time until pajamas in class is the next popped collar of the bar scene. God have mercy on our souls.

That Guy Who Shows Up Late
This guy obviously lives in an alternate universe where everything is five minutes later than the rest of civilization. You would think he would learn to leave for class a few minutes earlier, but no, he walks in at a time when everyone will turn and look at him enter likes he some kind of professional wrestler headed to the ring. And of course, like clockwork, he gives the ‘damn’ look like he just got caught rubbing one out, and quickly grabs the nearest seat.

That Guy Who Can’t Stop Coughing Or Sniffling
For some reason, this person defies the laws of logic and does not use cold medicine. Instead of saving a few hundred classmates from torture, this person sniffles and coughs his whole way through class hoping it’s not noticeable or annoying. And beyond annoying everyone, he disgusts them too when he gives a monster sniffle and sucks up a huge loogie, to which he then swallows. Yummy. Congratulations, you are now every girl’s dreamboat. Unfortunately for him, his calculated plan to do it as few times and as quietly as possible in order to blend in and be inconspicuous works worse than pulling out as a form of birth control. We all notice, and it as annoying as an ice pick in our ears. In fact, we hate you. Be a pal and be That Guy Who Walks Out 10 Minutes Early.

That Guy Trying To Eat Quietly
Damn vending machines are always being full of chips, and because of that there are always schmucks in class trying to eat them quietly, trying not to disrupt the class. They try to nibble on the chips one at a time and ever so delicately trying to make a little noise as possible. Well, I have good news for you. The noise you are making chewing is bliss compared to the noise of you opening and reaching into that damn foilish plastic bag. That shit echoes like a fart while your sitting on the toilet. Do your metabolism and us a favor and just shoveling food into your face and just sit there in silence. Beyond that all we can do is hope you don’t turn into That Guy who opens his soda and it foams up and spills everywhere.

That Hot Girl You Hope Sits Next To You
This is this one girl who is so hot you would sell your soul to the Devil just to have her acknowledge your existence. Well, maybe not that much, but she’s at least the hottest girl in the class, and that alone makes you want her that much more. Every day you hope she comes and sits next to you so you can accidentally brush up against her knee, make lame small talk with her, and awkwardly stare in her direction in hopes that she will notice you, and it will all lead to some good old-fashioned unprotected sex. You even strategically try to beat her to class and sit in the area she sat in last class in hopes that she will sit her fine ass in the same area she did last time, which will be next to you. Hell, if all goes as planned, you may even hope that she turns into your girlfriend. But who am I kidding, all we really want is sex with a hot girl, and lots of it.

The Ugly Girl Who Sits Next To You Instead
Naturally, instantly cock blocking the hot girl you want to sit next to you, a girl who resembles something out of the Lord of The Rings sits there instead. You would rather gnaw off your own knee than brush it up against her knee, and you would probably give her a roundhouse kick to her oversized gut and a jujitsu chop to her second chin if you weren’t afraid of her ugliness being contagious. What makes matters worse is the fact that the hot girl is the next girl to come through the door, so had this wildebeest not sat beside you, your perfect date with destiny would not had turned into you wishing you had the vision of Ray Charles. Let’s only pray she doesn’t have the same agenda you had with the hot girl we wanted to sit next to you.

And that bring me to the end of this list my friends. I am sure I forgot some classic lecture hall readers, as I had to make some cuts to keep this article from being too long. But I am Ian Valentine, odds are I got all the most classic ones. But if you know of any I forgot, let me know, I’d love to hear from some of my underlings.

Questions? Comments? Want me to save you a seat in class? If so, email me at Ikartz11@yahoo.com

And don’t forget to check out my Archives here.