This article was originally going to be about my job working in a prison. Unfortunately, it was brought to my attention that if I posted such classified information, I would be fired. Thus, with 48 hours to create a new article, I had to whip something up fast. But I wasn’t sure what. Then it hit me.

A few months ago I wrote, “Cheers to College,” discussing some of the simple pleasures of the college life. And naturally, it was an amazing article that everyone loved, and wanted more of. People practically begged me to write another article chronicling more simple pleasures. And of course, I cannot disappoint my fans. I mean, there are millions of them, and I don’t want to piss off a couple million people. So, with my need to create a new article, and the desire for more simple pleasures, I decided to create a new list of simple pleasures, but this time it’s going to encompass all of life, and not just college.

Now enough of me bullshitting, lets get to the good stuff.

Peeing while swimming

Admit it, just like pissing in the shower, you have all pissed in a body of water while swimming, just no one talks about it. However, instead of aiming directly for the drain to avoid any urinary contact like in the shower, you let loose all over the place and you are literally swimming in your own piss. You swim out a few feet away from the crowd as if no one knows what you are about to do, when actually everyone does because they either already did it or are about to do it themselves, and you let it rip. Disgusting? Somehow it isn’t. Even though you are giving yourself a golden shower, somehow it just seems ok. I don’t know why, but it just feels so much better. Maybe because you are wet, maybe because its relieving or because it keeps you warm. It may be because you convince yourself that it will just dilute itself in the water and it won’t even matter. But no matter how you look at it, never has a cesspool of human filth been so intriguing.

I bet this guy thinks no ones knows he’s pissing.

Birth Control

Plain and simple, birth control is God’s gift to men. Who cares about it regulating a girl’s period, it allows us guys to not use condoms anymore, and not have to worry about knocking up some hooch. How perfect is that? Raw doggin’ a girl with nothing to worry about, and not having some uncomfortable saran wrap with a reservoir tip suction cupped to my unit. And you don’t even have to pull out. What a life that is. What about STD’s you ask? Well, that’s a problem for another day.

I love you birth control. I love you.

Waking up to the smell of bacon

I know it’s not just me who thinks it, but the smell of slices of a pig’s ass being fried on a stove smells like ecstasy. It may be the best smell in the world. And damn bacon is delicious. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. The only way to make it better is when you wake up and that’s the first thing you smell. What a way to start the day. You know it’s going to be a good day when that happens. God I love being a carnivore. You vegetarians are all idiots.

Who knew a pig’s ass could be so delicious?

Finding money in your pants from last winter

You’re in bad mood because it’s starting to get cold out and you have to ditch the shorts and start wearing suck ass pants. Although, the first time you put your pants on, you reach into your pocket and you feel some paper. You think, ‘no, it couldn’t be,’ but at the same time you’re thinking ‘holy shit let this be a lot money and not some receipt!’ Then you quickly pull your hand out of your pocket and discover that yes, you just found some money. Somehow, you managed to leave money in your pocket all spring and summer long, and now it’s like free money. This is like bumping into lesbian twins, an unbelievable and amazing find. Hopefully it’s a lot, because when it is, since it’s free money, you now get to spend it on something stupid like an obscene bar tab or a double jointed Spanish hooker. And what’s better than Spanish Mamis?

Waking up to no alarm clock

Next to Ashlee Simpson’s voice, an alarm clock really is the worst noise in the world. It’s noise abortion for my ears. Waking up naturally and when you want to is a much better way to start your day. You’re on your own schedule, and nothing wakes you out of a dead sleep when you’re dreaming about scoring the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl or pedigreeing nine beautiful sluts. Who knew an alarm clock could actually have a better defense than the Oakland Raiders, or be a cockblock? Never having to hear an alarm clock again may be what heaven is. What else is good is when you roll over thinking it’s time to get up, but you still have two hours to sleep. What’s more amazing than more sleep? This is like the daylight savings of sleeping. Unless of course you can’t fall back asleep, because staring at the ceiling for two hours is about as fun as watching Trading Spaces with your girlfriend.

The silent fart

It’s happened to all of us. You’re surrounded by people, and you have to fart. However, some of these people you aren’t comfortable farting around, so you have to make the ultimate decision, do you let it loose and receive dirty looks, or squeeze your ass cheeks together and hold it until you’re alone? Certainly you can’t hold it because you feel like your ass is about to explode, but just letting it out is about as socially acceptable as Velcro shoes. You then come to a compromise. You’re going to try a squeak it out and hope no one will notice. So you squeeze your ass cheeks together, and you let it out ever so slowly, and only a little bit at a time so that no noise is made, and all the while you act like nothing is going on with your ass, and you can’t help but let out a small giggle. And so what if it smells? Since no one heard you do it, there’s no link to you, so you can always play it cool and blame it on someone else. But when you’re done, your proud of yourself for getting away with such social debauchery, you can’t help but give your self a mental high five.

Cleavage

Fact: when a girl bends over, EVERY man notices. Just like when a girl’s thong is hanging out, every man is attracted to cleavage as if it was a magnet. You may not notice the guy looking, but he’s looking. It’s a skill. It’s almost a game to stare and drool as long as possible while trying not to get caught. He may be looking through reflections off windows, pretending to look down and looking out of the corner of his eye, or hiding behind someone and looking, but somehow, someway, every man manages to notice cleavage, and usually never gets caught. I bet the girl readers are saying, “yeah right, we notice, we just don’t usually say anything.” Well little do you know we are staring more than you think. I’d say about 45 percent of a man’s day is spent looking at cleavage. And then when the girl bends over, you get a 100 percent better view. Forget the view of the Grand Canyon, this is the best view in the world. The best view a man will ever see. I mean they just hang there, practically begging to be looked at. I almost feel bad ignoring them. But girls, when you do catch us looking, don’t get mad. What the hell do you expect? Shut up and show me your tits.

Cleavage, you mesmerize me.

Taking a dump with the door open

What’s better than turning your whole house into your butthole’s stomping ground? Seriously, it’s like an adventure. All of a sudden the boundaries of your bathroom expand to the same general area as where you cook and sleep. Taking a shit in the kitchen? Come on, it doesn’t get any better than that. You’re like a bear shitting in the woods. The new unfamiliar territory is a huge feeling of openness and helps you feel like a new man. Finally, you don’t have to take a dump behind closed doors, and you get to do it out in the open. And plus, deep down, having to scramble to the door with a swampy ass when someone comes home, or possibly getting caught wiping your ass kind of interests you. You can only hope your pet doesn’t walk in and wonder what the hell you are doing to yourself.

The pull through parking spot

Driving in reverse sucks. You have to look over your shoulder, shift gears, use mirrors and all kinds of shit. That requires way too much mental effort than I am willing to do. Driving forward is so much better. It’s like cleaning up after masturbating. It’s clockwork, you don’t even think about it, you just do it. No mental effort at all. That’s why a pull through parking spot is key. The parking spot across from you is open, allowing you to drive forward out of your parking spot instead of reversing out of it. And anything that involves less thinking, and less action of lazy ass people like me, now that’s the way to go.

Nudity in a movie

No matter how excruciatingly horrible a movie is, if it has any tits in it, it all of a sudden becomes the most interesting movie ever. It really is a beautiful thing. The man can be damn near comatose from boredom from the movie, but for the split second that there are tits on the that huge ass big screen, you are enthralled by the movie, and it instantly turns into a four star classic and leaves the man trying to hide his boner. And you don’t even have to feel bad about looking if your girlfriend is there because you paid to see those funbags. Remember Wild Things? I bet you do, but not because it was good. You remember it because it had Denise Richards’ tits in it. Her tits with champagne being poured on them by Neve Campbell in quite possibly the best movie scene ever to be exact. Which brings me to my next point, what’s even better is when a celebrity gets naked. Seeing someone naked who normally has clothes on is quite the gift. Plus it’s quite the fantasy mental image to provide for a masturbatory stimulus as soon as you’re alone. And what’s better than an excuse to rub one out? Not much.

I don’t even remember the name of this movie

‘The look’

You know what look I mean. The look a girl gives you when you know she wants to ride your manhood. The infamous ‘I want to suck your dick’ look. You know, the one where they lower their chin, tilt their head ever so slightly, and skull fuck you with their eyes. What a great and powerful look this is. You know you’re money when you get this look, as all you have to do is remember the girl’s name (and even that’s debatable) and she’ll be eating your nuts in no time. There isn’t much better than an opportunity to get your dick wet and you don’t have to do anything. Hell, I’ll admit it; I’m a slut who likes easy sex. The easier the better. But I know I’m not the only one.

Unconditional oral sex

Now I don’t mind giving oral sex, but I’m much better at receiving it. Oral sex is euphoric. I wish I could have it every day, every hour of my life. And what makes it better is when you receive it and the girl doesn’t expect it back in return? How great is that? I get my dick sucked, and I get to go right back to doing nothing but scratching myself and watching TV? Pure bliss right there. Surprise blowjobs are even better. You’ll be sitting there doing nothing when your girl will just come up to you and give you a little sucky sucky. But girls, don’t bitch about swallowing. You know you like it. And don’t think I should feel lucky because you blow me. If anything, you should be flattered I let you blow me. I mean, it takes a lot of trust for me to let you put your teeth by my dick. So feel honored that I trust you.

Seeing a friend fall

I know it’s not just me, but someone else’s misfortune can be hilarious. Especially if that person is your friend and you can laugh and point in their face during their time of misery, and then remind them of it later. And what better misfortune than a friend falling? It’s such a classic scene. They looks like retarded kids doing the Macarena when they try to keep their balance and not fall, then they face plant into the ground, hopefully they get dirty ( the dirtier the better), then they get up all extra quick and try to play it off like it’s no big deal while they survey the area to see who saw them fall. Come on, that shit is some good memories, you have to love seeing your friend all vulnerable and looking like a total tool. Good times, I tell ya.

Getting the Final Jeopardy question right

This confirms that for the next 24 hours, you are officially the smartest man on the planet. Getting this right makes you feel like a friggin’ omnipotent genius, and everyone should admire your intelligence that is far superior to theirs. And of course, you try and calculate how much money you could have won, and you convince yourself you would have won the game, and thus won thousands of dollars. It leaves you on cloud nine knowing you are smart as hell and could be living the life that even Ken Jennings should be jealous of. The only thing that could make this better would be if someone else is there to see you get it right. Then you can prove how smart you are, and just look over at them and be like, ‘yeah bitch, I got that right. I’m a fucking genius.’

What is… I’m a fucking genius?

The quick, one handed bra unhook

Apparently there are a lot of sexual simple pleasures. Ah well, who’s counting. So you’re hooking up with a girl and you start to make the awkward move of touching her boob. First you touch over the clothes, then up the shirt but over the bra. Then you go for it. Total hand on boob action. Eventually, for total titty access, the bra needs to come off. Here’s your chance to shine. You better not fumble back there, because you’re giving the girl a chance to have second thoughts and kick your ass off of her knockers, maybe that’s why there is two hooks back there also, it’s just another chance for the girl to change her mind. That’s why a quick unhook is crucial. It gives her no time to say no, and before she knows it, her bra is on the floor, and you’re sucking some titty. What’s best is when you have one hand tweaking a nipple, and you use the other to do the quick unhook. Quintessential multi tasking, as you never have to leave the boob unattended. But this is an accomplishment and a work of art. That multitasking is not easy. Taking out two hooks in one motion while nipple tweaking is an act of God. She’ll be so impressed with you she’ll probably let you hit it. Be proud of yourself, and show her who’s boss.

He’s leaving one Boob unattended…very unimpressive

The no–wiper

This is my last pleasure, but it’s a popular one. There is nothing nastier than when you are taking a shit, and no matter how many times you wipe, you can’t get all the shit off your ass. You wipe, and you wipe, and you wipe, but it never ends. Is the shit still oozing out, or is it stuck to your ass hair? Who knows, but you damn near use a whole roll of toilet paper trying to clean that shit up. Sometimes it’s so bad you decide to throw in the towel, and jump the shower and clean your ass the hard way. Man what a project. The no wiper is an amazing cure of all of this mess. You sit down, you shit, and you go to wipe, and there’s nothing to wipe. There was a clean break between your ass and the shit. Hell, you may not even have to wash your hands. What a feeling. You’re in, you’re out, and there’s no nasty mess of your own shit. If it were possible, you would give yourself a high five because you’re so proud of yourself.

* * *

That’s basically the list I have so far. I know there are more, and I would like to hear your ideas. There are millions of life’s simple pleasures. These are just some that came to my head. However I am beginning to realize that I am a pervert, as I manage to bring up sex in a prominent way in all of my articles. Oh well. I can handle being known as a pervert.

But anyways, my readers begged for a list of more simple pleasures, so there you go. Some are better than others, but either way, all in all, these 15 things help make life a much better place for me and, … well who cares a bout you readers, these things make life better for me.

But before I go, I’ll remind you of that scene from Wild Things.

God what a great Movie

Questions? Comments? Want to challenge me at Jeopardy? If so, email me at Ikartz11@yahoo.com