Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Just Don’t Forget to Duck
By The Judo Madonna on 5-30-06
Ah, baseball, our National Pastime. A great game with a treasured history (except for Bonds anyway. Pffft.) Sometimes taking part in such magical experiences causes one’s emotions to run high, but as Tom Hanks reminds us, “there’s no crying in baseball.”
Fuckin’ A
So sometimes in the course of human baseball events, it becomes necessary for one to “romp some baseball ass” (to use the parlance of those geniuses over at the Dugout.)
So what is to follow is a chronicle of my five personal favorite baseball butt-whuppins. I have put the actual violence into all capital letters, SO YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE PART OF THE ACTION.
Enjoy.
5.) Michael Barrett vs. A.J. Perchodeski
Yes, that’s right, I made a joke about his name. If it bothers you, then you’re a White Sox fan, which thusly makes your opinion not worth a load of fetid dingo kidneys. Let’s be perfectly honest, the White Sox suck, period. The only way to like to them is to be incredibly stupid, an asshole, or possibly both. But I digress …
So, A.J. on third, batter hits a sac fly to left field. Matt Murton, everyone’s favorite ginger, throws home, and Pergjhfsdyski beats it out, slamming into Cubs catcher Michael Barrett. To be perfectly unbiased, he was most likely in the right, he couldn’t see the ball. But, he’s not just a jerk-off, he’s a jerk-off on the White Sox, so whatever. As he gets up to grab his helmet, Barrett grabs him, allegedly says, “I didn’t even have the fucking ball,” and blindsides him with a haymaker straight out of Rocky. Rarely in any sport outside of boxing does a punch connect so cleanly, and I have to say, it was awesome. The Cubs may be 10 games below .500, but make no mistake who wears the pants in the league. Check it.
4.) Izzy Alcantara vs. the other team
I didn’t see this game, I only saw the fight, so I have no idea how to set it up. But I mean, what’s to know? Apparently, Izzy had seen fights when the batter gets taken down from behind by the catcher, because he takes him out of the equation before he charges, with A WELL-PLACED KICK TO THE FACE. Then he proceeds to charge, and take on not only the pitcher, but the third baseman as well. What a bad-ass. Too bad he flopped in the majors.
Both of the next spots are dedicated to the man that is Kyle Farnsw0rth.
triple digit heat, folks
He was built for super stardom. He’s like, 6’4, 280lbs, played football in college. He can throw the cheese faster than I can make my car go. Unfortunately, at times, he has less control then Nick Nolte behind the wheel, and has failed to rise to the level that he is capable of. Consistency is a bitch.
3.) Kyle Farnsworth vs. Jeremy Affeldt
Royals pitcher Runelvys Hernandez was pitching to Tigers’ shortstop Carlos Guillen. A pitch came inside, and allegedly hit him. He started to take his base, but the umpire didn’t see it, and there was some initial confusion. Guillen returned to the plate. Then, Hernandez pulled the ultimate puss move, and hit Guillen in the helmet with the next pitch. The benches cleared, and a scrum ensued, however, everyone was holding everyone else back, and everyone was just kind of yelling and acting like wusses. Then, Farnsworth emerged from the Tigers bullpen, put a deke on someone trying to block him, picked up Royals reliever Affeldt, and carried him across the field. He then proceeded with the tried and true 1-2 punch of dropping him on his ass, and then BLASTING HIM IN THE FACE. The MLB pulled all the clips off of YouTube, but if you look for it, you can find it. The Detroit commentator is hilarious. “Hoooo-boy Farnsworth AIN’T PLAYIN’ ‘ROUND!” Rumors even suggested that Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen spoke to him after the game.
even that moustache can’t stop Farns
2.) Kyle Farnsworth vs. Paul Wilson
Wilson squares away to bunt, so Farnsworth does what one is supposed to do in such a situation, and throws the pitch high and tight. Unfortunately, it knocks Wilson on the hands, and he steps back, and flexes his vagina at Farnsw0rth*. Only problem is, Kyle doesn’t like having a vagina flexed at him by anybody ‘cept missus Farnsworth, so he does what everyone (?) would have done in the situation, and charges Wilson, picking him up, SLAMMING HIS ASS IN THE GROUND, and then ROCKING HIM IN THE FACE.
(* - as a former resident of Cincinnati, I can honestly say that everyone involved in the city’s sports teams has a vagina, except for Marge Schott, who undoubtedly has a penis.)
witness
1.) Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura
Let me preface this by saying that Nolan Ryan is, for my money, the best pitcher that’s ever played the game. His curveball was faster than most pitchers’ fastballs. He’s the only person ever to strikeout the side with nine pitches (he’s done so twice), and he’s thrown seven no-hitters. He was my baseball idol as a child.
So anyway, at this point in history, Ryan is 46, and pitching to Robin Ventura, who is 26. He hits him with a slow curve, at which point Ventura runs to Ryan.
Now, imagine, if you will, a fight between a 26-year old and a 46-year old….
Not this time.
Ryan pulled Ventura in a HEADLOCK, effectively subduing him, and delivered SEVERAL RAPID-FIRE PUNCHES TO VENTURA’S HEAD, marking one of the few occasions where old people kick ass, be it figuratively or literally.
Also of note, the picture is signed by Ryan himself. How great must it have been to have someone bring you a picture of you making a snot-nosed baseball player your bitch, and ask you to sign it?
