OH NO! Not … not … not … NOT THE MIDDLE FINGER!

Have you ever sat by yourself, alone in a room, and given yourself the finger? Maybe even the double whammy with both hands? I know I have.

You sit there, look at your two, long and skinny middle fingers, and wonder …

“What is the big fucking deal?” you ask yourself. “They’re just fingers, man! And it feels good to stretch these babies out, too! It would make more sense for the ring finger to be offensive anyway, just because it’s so damn hard to actually move that fucker! … Someone really needs to kill Dane Cook …”

But, pondering “what’s the big fucking deal” is akin to pondering the meaning of the universe. There is no definitive answer, and there probably never will be.

Except for what it says on Wikipedia, of course. But, god dammit, even they don’t have a real answer:

”The origin of this gesture is highly speculative, but is quite possibly up to 2500 years old. It is identified as the digitus impudicus ('impudent finger') in Ancient Roman writings and reference is made to using the finger in the Ancient Greek comedy The Clouds by Aristophanes. It was defined there as a gesture intended to insult another.”

Sketchy at best.

Of all the “finger” shots there are, Wikipedia chose this one

Regardless of its history, the finger is what it is today. Something that people—especially the FCC—find extremely offensive. Thanks to Janet Jackson’s left nipple, you will never see the middle finger in all of its glory on television anymore. And that’s a really sad thing, considering just how many classic middle finger flip-offs there have been from athletes during live events since that watershed moment for censorship in America.

You only have to look back to this past Sunday, when Mike Vick flipped off his own fans in Atlanta.

That little ditty right there cost Vick $20,000 big ones. Ten grand for each finger, presumably (he ended up doing the double flip-off). Just think about that. Sure, it will only set Ronny Mexico back about 37 bottles of that Genital Warts Creme he needs, but can you imagine getting hit with that outlandish of a fine, just for sticking one of your fingers out while you held the rest back? It’s Michael Richards crazy.

My favorite part has to be the digitizing of “the finger” on the screen. It’s just so damn humorous to me that the powers that be feel they need to protect us from seeing a middle finger. I can understand censoring nipples, schlongs, and Lucifer biting “Macho Man” Randy Savage on the arm, but come on, we’re talkin’ ‘bout fingers. FINGERS MAN!

Talkin’ ‘bout fingers.

I love that we malign these athletes for snapping as well. For every Ron Artest total freak-out, there are about 100 of these Vick incidents. They range from the cutesy Jake Plummer scratching his head finger, to Bryan Cox spittin’, cussin’ and fingerin’ (don’t be a perve) the Buffalo Bills crowd. In the end, they’re harmless and make for greater entertainment. I want a player like Cox to freak out, and as a fan, when he actually does go ape shit, you know that it was a job well done. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Good times in Buffalo.

Recently, there was also a bizarre incident having to do with Jets rookie Leon Washington. For the first time since the transcendent Bill “fuckface” Ripken moment, there was an actual “curse” displayed on a trading card.

Vintage moment in sports history

Washington, in a supposed salute to his hometown, gave the double bird to everyone that opened a pack containing his card. Where the hell does this guy live, Jim Crow era Alabama?

In a not-so-surprising turn, this card will now fetch ya a few bucks on eBay.

Worth the price

You really have to wonder who thought green lighting this card was a good idea. And then you have to want to kiss them for creating another classic moment in sports. It was about time for another Bill "fuckface" Ripken moment, if you ask me.

In the end, as much as people want to complain about athlete meltdowns, and as much as they want to take the higher ground and say “shame on these men and women,” these sports stars are just like you and me. And I would imagine that if you were put down in the field in front of 60,000 bloodthirsty fans, you might have a hard time resisting the urge to flash the old, double-fingered salute their way. They’re just fingers after all.

With that, I leave you with the greatest athlete finger shot of all time, from the best basketball player of all time …

Just when you thought the best had come, you go and save the best for last … that’s a little Vanessa Williams for you on this cold Wednesday morning.

Questions or comments? E-mail Jim at BuffaloByrne@gmail.com