Little known Ian Valentine fact: I majored in astrology for ½ a semester my freshman year in college. Yes, I, Ian Valentine, am insightfully cultured on the mysterious ways of the sun, the moon, and the stars, and how all those celestial bastards can predict the future.
So now, not only am I some smart, funny, heartthrob who writes stellar articles, but now I am also a Zodiac who can advise you about what your future has in store for you. And you know what? I think it’s time I unleash this monstrosity of knowledge. I’m not going to waste this intergalactic talent anymore, I am going to use it to help my cult followers know what to expect in their immediate future. Hell, I think I’ll start by bequeathing my knowledge of the upcoming month of May, 2007. But I must warn you, its not all peaches and cream. I tell you what to really expect. Read on at your own risk.
Aries (March 21- April 20)
You are going to find out that your cold hearted ex that kicked you to the curb in High School turned out to be gay. Of course, you’ll be excited and want to do a little shimmy, but at the same time, you’ll get a little anxious since you won’t be able to help but wonder if you had any affect on this person’s sexual 180. But, that’s going to be the least of your worries, because you fucked up on your taxes, and now the IRS is going to be all over your ass like a prison inmate. Plan ahead and find yourself a first-class accountant, because an audit is going to fistfuck you until your asshole is so loose you shit when you sneeze. Thankfully for you though, all that ass kissing at work will finally reap some benefits, as you will land a promotion. However, the pay will be dogshit compared to how much more work they expect you to do, and you will be left wishing you kept your mouth shut and never requested that promotion in the first place.
Lucky Numbers: 3, 56, 5, 1006
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Fortunately for you, you will find the significant other of your dreams. Unfortunately for you, this person will think you look like a gargoyle and smell like an aborigine, so being molested by their father is more tantalizing than dating you. But the good news is, you will put on a pair of shorts you haven’t worn since last summer, and you will find $37 dollars in the pocket. You will then brag to all your friends about it, but even though they seem to care, they don’t. In fact, your friends don’t really like you. They all hate you and talk about behind your back. It’s just a matter of time until they cut you out of the loop. Speaking of which…this month will be the time when it happens. I hope you enjoy staying in on the weekends.
Lucky Numbers: π, 3.14, 6.28
Gemini (May 22-June 23)
You are going to get a new co-worker that is so damn sexy, you will spend every shift wondering if he/she has tan or pink nipples. Because of this, your work will suffer dramatically, but it’s ok, because your contribution at work is pretty insignificant anyways. And lucky for you, one night when you are both closing your work down, you will have a moment together that will provide you with masturbatory fodder for weeks. Furthermore, because this co-worker will give you a newfound exuberance, you will become the ‘it’ friend amongst your clique. You will be the person everyone calls, wants to be around, and wonders what you are doing. Without you, your enchanted posse would cease to exist. Just don’t let it go to your head and cause you to start acting like a feminist by thinking you are better than everyone else. Because nobody likes people like that…nobody.
Lucky Numbers: All Prime Numbers
Cancer (June 23-July 23)
You’re right. Nobody loves you, and they never will. Your outlook in the romance department is about as bleak as America’s War on Terror, and your ‘friends’ don’t even like you, they are only pretending because you fill their ‘pity friend’ quota. Your life of living paycheck to paycheck in your lame ass, glass ceiling job won’t be ending anytime soon either. And to make matters worse, you are going to catch a cold that’s so intense it will make the Bubonic Plague look like a stubbed toe. Basically, your life is pathetic, and things aren’t going to change until you get up off your lazy ass and do something worth mentioning. But it doesn’t look that that will be changing this month, or anytime soon for that matter. So for now, enjoy your miserable life and it’s suicide cocktail: two parts antidepressants, and one part vodka.
Lucky Numbers: 7, 4, 74, 47
Leo (July 24-August 23)
Your financial mediocrity will get somewhat of a boost when you win $25 on a scratch off lotto ticket. But instead of using it wisely and buying Ramen noodles, Doritos, and 40 oz.’s, you will put it back into lotto tickets, and eventually lose more than what you started with. And after your friends notice your uncanny ability to make everyone else look good, you will all of a sudden be the person everyone wants to be around. Except your boss of course, because he will begin to think you are a free loader who must have won your job on a reality TV show. But you know what, he’s right, because you spend more time surfing the Internet and playing solitaire than you do working on your companies pathetic, whisker biscuit mission statement. And because of this, you will get passed up on that raise you have been eyeing since what seems like a fortnight. Thankfully, you will make up for this lack in pay by making your own work perks, like sleeping on the job, stealing office supplies, and starting a rumor about your boss cheating on his spouse.
Lucky Numbers: -2, 11, Roman Numeral VIII
Virgo (August 24-September 23)
For all of these years you have been hiding it, living in a secret world of taboo. Like a no hitter in he bottom on the ninth, it’s something you knew was going on, but just didn’t want to talk about. But now it’s time. This month you are going to come out of the closet. Unfortunately, this news will surprise no one, not even your parents. But after getting this weight off your chest, you will feel apocalyptic. You will become so confident you will quit your job that has been annoying you more than a canker sore, and you will sell all your heterosexual shit on Ebay and pay off some of your debt. But you get a reality check real fast when you realize two things. One, all jobs are as annoying as that friend who buys the same shirt you already own, and two, the “I’m only using the credit card for emergencies” rationale will only work until the first time you look in your wallet and the only papers you find are phone numbers of people you were ‘interested’ in, when in fact you really weren’t interested, you were just covering up the fact that you are a homo.
Lucky Numbers: Even Numbers, 12
Libra (September 24-October 23)
Well, it’s been a good run. You’ve made a lot of friends, made a lot of money, and sexed up a lot of people. Basically, you have had a good life. But this month is all comes to an end. This month, all Libra’s will die a horrible and tragic death. The entire race of Libra’s are facing extinction. Consider yourself dead. And a word to the wise: beware of Capricorns, because they may be the ones to go genocidal on your ass.
Lucky Numbers: For you, luck has nothing to do with this month
Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
You are going to be a little startled this month, because your parents are going to tell you that you were adopted. But even so, you will be kind of relieved, because you always kind of wondered, and you are glad you don’t have that ‘crazy’ gene your mom seems to possess. And what’s better, you realize that this story is one that earns you a ridiculous amount of sympathy from people. So much sympathy that 5-year-old’s with cancer can’t help but get jealous of you. Instantly everyone will start treating you wonderfully. Co-workers, friends, and best of all…the opposite sex. This sob story will get you more oral and anal than a dentist and proctologist combined. So as much as being adopted will weird you out at first, you will find a silver lining, and that lining will be glorious my friend.
Lucky Numbers: 69, Numbers divisible by 11
Sagittarius (November 23-December 22)
Your long time love will tell you he/she hates you and wants nothing to do with you anymore. Lucky for you though, this is a blessing in disguise, because you were using them for sex anyways. Now you can go out and have unprotected sex with whomever you want, whenever you want, and not feel bad about it anymore. This sex rampage will even go so far as to help you get a colossal promotion at work, as you will blackmail your boss with a sexual harassment suit. Granted, this will land you a buttload of money in the long run, but this plan will go horribly awry after your boss develops the ‘fuck it, I’m screwed anyways’ attitude, and sexually harasses the hell out of you at every opportunity. Ironically, this will excite your libido a little bit, but at the same time you can’t help but be creeped out. But you will roll with the punches, because due to your newfound relaxed morals, and your new income letting you be the life of the party, you will become the big man on campus, and the person everyone wants to be friends with.
Lucky Numbers: Multiples of 7
Capricorn (December 23-January 19)
All these years of having to share your birthday with the unfortunately close holiday of Christmas has gotten to you. You’re sick of getting fewer gifts. And besides that, you hate your job that pays you probably less than what a NYC homeless man makes, and your relationship (if you even have one) is so wretched you prefer to masturbate than go near your significant other. And friends? Fuck friends. The only thing they have ever done is make fun of you and forget to call you. After realizing all of this, you decide you have had enough. It’s time for a change, and the time is now. This month you will take back what’s rightfully yours… respect. And however you choose to do it, one thing is for sure, Hell hath no fury like a Capricorn scorned during the month of May.
Lucky Numbers: 6, 66, 666
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This month is going to treat you magnificently. First, your significant other will want to spice up your relationship by introducing group sex into the equation. And better yet, he/she will let you choose the crowd you want to fornicate with. Then, you will lie to your parents and convince them you need some money to pay the bills, and graciously they send more than you expected. So naturally, you will use this cash to buy as much weed and alcohol as you can, and plaster yourself until FDR could walk a straighter line than you. And finally, for some unknown reason, after seemingly mastering the ‘do as little as possible without getting in trouble’ routine at work, you somehow manage to get accolades for all this hard work you really haven’t been doing. Obviously, you will not point out the fact that you haven’t done jack shit. Instead, you will gladly accept this praise. Because after all, who doesn’t like some selfless self-promotion?
Lucky Numbers: Absolute Values, 1, -1
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
This month you will find someone that really makes your nipples hard. Unfortunately, they will dump you by Christmas to keep from having to buy you a gift. But that’s a problem for another day. Furthermore, like a buffoon, you will donate to some bogus charity like the Red Cross or the Humane Society instead of stockpiling your money in a savings account. The only good thing about this is you will donate using a check, and you will realize your fault in time to cancel the payment. The only real bad news of the month is you will magically transform into the ‘go-to-guy’ at work. Everyone will come to you for everything, even the most mundane, useless tasks. Don’t look now, because before you know it, even though you want nothing to do with this role, you are going to develop the reputation as having your head so far up the boss’s ass you can gargle his alveoli.
Lucky Numbers: Numbers between 24 and 31
Questions? Comments? Are you a Capricorn who needs someone to talk to? If so, feel free to email me at ikatrz11@yahoo.com. Or feel free to check out our forum and leave some feedback in there.
But at the very least, don’t forget to check out my archives , where you can read such classics as…
The Top 20 Classic Lecture Hall Students
The Man’s List of Life’s Simple Pleasures
Cheers to College
Pooping in Public and You
And of course…My 13 article series of Great Moments in Hookup History
