Previously, in my Top 20 Classic Lecture Hall Students article, I wrote about how every student in a lecture hall is classic for one reason or another. Similarly, a bar is another place where every person is classic in some way. You have seen these people, and odds are you are one of them. They are at every bar from here to Montana. And just like before, I am going to take it upon myself to present them to you. So here they are, in no particular order, The 15 Most Classic Bar Patrons. Prepare to be amazed.
The Fat Girl With Hot Friends
For every cluster of hot girls you see, there’s guaranteed to be one fat chick. Whether it’s because the hotties feel bad for the rolly polly fatso, or because they use the fatty to feel better about themselves, a hog always manages to be friends with these girls that probably talk about her behind her back. And even though the hot girls lie to the beast’s face and tell her she looks ‘sexy’ in her moo moo, the fat chick is always behind her hot friends at the bar, watching, sulking, and pretending to have fun. And deep down she is burning with envy over her friends’ beauty, and wishes nothing else but to have the guys like her like they do the other girls. But for obvious reasons they don’t, causing her to dwell in her own self-pity, and inevitably go home to drown herself in a smorgasbord of TV dinners.
The Out Of Your League Girl
This is the most beautiful girl at the bar. It’s the girl you would give up your opposable thumbs for just to get a glimpse of her O-face. But no matter how hard you try, no matter what you say, and no matter how many drinks you buy her, it doesn’t matter. She is harder to conquer than a Mormon missionary. Why? Because she knows she is hot, so she knows she gets to pick and choose her sugar daddy for the night. And it sure isn’t some average guy like you who will treat her well and give her whatever she wants. No, she wants that Abercrombie model look-alike with the chiseled jaw line and blowout haircut who will treat her like a doormat, and break her back in half during sex. So save your energy for karaoke, and save your money for the post bar blunt and munchie feast.
That Guy Who Is Your Best Friend For A Night, But You Will Never See Again
Who is this guy? Who cares! For whatever reason, you two met and became best friends, all in one night. You have the time of your lives together, buying each other shots, playing games, and even taking cigarette breaks together. You are convinced you guys are meant to be friends forever, and you tell each other, ‘man, we should chill sometime,’ but you say it carefully, because you don’t want to come across as gay. But in the end, you never see or talk to this man again. And you are actually embarrassed by your cute, alcohol-induced romantic friendship and hope no one ever brings it up again. However, your friends manage to bring this up almost as often as the night your beer goggles got the best of you, and you made out with a girl with freckles.
The Designated Driver
Here is probably the most boring guy at the bar. But not because he has a piss-poor personality, it’s because he is the only sober person there. And when you are drunk, anyone who is sober is about as lame as hanging out with your parents. Being so, you ditch this guy for people who are livelier, and well…drunk. But he is always there in the shadows, lurking, trying his hardest to have fun and fit in with the wasted crowd. We all know he’s not, however. And even though you know you should feel bad for having such a great time when he isn’t, you quickly get over that when you realize it’s your turn to buy a round of shots. But, even though you ignored him all night, unlike That Guy Who Drank But Insists He Is Sober Enough To Drive (when we know he isn’t but let him drive anyways), this guy remained sober and is still willing to give you a safe ride home.
The 21st Birthday Girl
Girls’ 21st birthdays are like the movie Waterworld, it’s one big ass production that just turns into one big mess. The birthday girl shows up with an entourage of hoochies, all wearing the same birthday ‘uniform,’ all dancing like lunatics to every song and on any surface that will fit at least three of them, all while squealing like retards in heat because of their excitement. This entourage is impossible to miss. There’s a birthday to celebrate, and dammit, everyone there is going to know it. But just sit back and enjoy the show because this one is going to get sloppy. The birthday girl will be foaming at the mouth by the time she’s done taking all the shots people will feed her. Just hope she makes it long enough to start flashing her tits and making out with her friends, because you know it’s coming eventually.
The Underage Guy
Whether it be by using a chalked ID, an older sibling’s ID, or by sneaking in a side door when the bouncer wasn’t looking, this kid who looks like he just got done breastfeeding managed to get into the bar. And of course, he looks like he’s twelve, and acts like a kid in a candy store, so you wonder how this juvenile jabroni hasn’t gotten caught and thrown out on his ass. But don’t worry; you’ll get the last laugh. Since the bar virgin is so thrilled to be in a bar, he drinks himself into a coma, and quickly becomes the ‘Way Too Drunk Guy,’ throws up on himself, and leaves the bar early.
The Older Person In A Midlife Crisis
This person is 40-years-old, but still likes to pretend they are 21. They hang out with the younger crowd, buy people drinks with their higher paying salaries, and disturbingly hit on people that could be the age of their own son or daughter. They think they are ‘hip’ and strive to fit in, even though they have a better chance of fitting in at a PTA meeting than the bar. Everything would be great if they would notice all the dirty looks and rolled eyes and just go home, but they don’t. Instead they act like everything is perfect, and believe they are reliving their youth like they never lost it. But in reality, they are creepy and should go home, drink a glass of Metamucil, and go to bed.
The Wingman
This man can make or break another man’s opportunity to meet a girl, tell her a fake name, take her home and treat her like a piece of meat, and then never talk to her again. While one friend goes in for the kill with one girl, the wingman occupies her friends to keep them happy, create the illusion that everything is okay, and most importantly, keep them from cockblocking. However, sometimes the wingman goes above and beyond the call of duty by jumping on certain ‘grenades,’ such as fat friends, bitchy friends, and the ‘Mom’ friends who religiously protects her friends from guys like you. But if they both play their cards right, both girls can be attractive with relaxed morals, ensuring that both men will be going home with a little punani prize.
That Guy Who Cops A Feel As He Walks By
We’ve all been there. You have been standing at a bar, when all of a sudden someone breaks off a little something extra, and grabs your ass. Even though you are slightly flattered, you quickly turn around to see what sicko would do such a ghastly thing. But of course, either no one is there, or it’s too crowded to decipher who did it. So you get pissed, and warn all your friends about the runaway butt bandit that’s on the loose. However, due to the alcohol, you forget about it, and your anger quickly wears off. But you soon remember, and now the tables have turned. Now it sounds like a great idea, and now you want to go around mysteriously grabbing asses. And there’s not a single apple-bottom that’s safe.
That Guy Bitching That It’s A Sausagefest
This guy spends the first hour at the bar doing logarithms, trying to calculate the guy/girl ratio. And if this ratio isn’t at least 1:2, he is pissed, and his night is as good as dead, because how the hell is he supposed to meet a girl if the odds aren’t in his favor? He wants girls handed to him on a silver platter. Forget working for a girl, he wants to feast on a buffet of snatch. But because he can’t, you can expect this guy to try and bring you down with him by relentlessly telling you how the bar sucks, how there are “no girls here,” and even if there are, they are all “prude, ugly bitches.” This guy will inevitably turn into That Guy who says, “This bar sucks, lets go somewhere else.”
The High Maintenance Guy
Beer specials…forget about it. Pitchers…no way. Domestic beer…not a chance in hell. This guy drinks only top shelf liquor and imported beer like Long Island Ice Teas and Coronas, which is ironic because Long Island is more over rated than Angelina Jolie, and Corona isn’t even the best beer from Mexico. And of course this guy is also dressed as if he is going to work, and if anything, do not bump into him because he freaks out like the Wicked Witch of the West when he gets something spilled on his nicely pressed shirt and khakis. But all of this is overshadowed by his arrogant persona that gives off the vibe that he thinks he is too good to be at that bar. If only he would make the move and do us all a favor by leaving and never coming back.
The Girl Who Is Mad At Her Boyfriend
You’ll usually find this girl in the corner of the bar, screaming at her boyfriend, who’s only response is nodding incessantly, saying I’m sorry (even if he doesn’t mean it), and wearing a ‘please leave me alone so I can enjoy my night’ look on his face. Why is she mad at him? Nobody knows but her…and odds are it doesn’t make sense to anyone but her either. All that matters is the guy fucked up somehow, and she is going to let him, and the whole bar know it. Even if it embarrasses her, her boyfriend, and anyone they came with, it doesn’t matter. Inevitably this girl will turn into That Emotional Girl that runs to the bathroom to cry, and looks to her annoyed friends for comfort. And even though you feel bad for the boyfriend, you thank God it’s not your girlfriend yelling at you (this time).
The Beer Muscles Guy
When this guy is drunk, he has one agenda, and one agenda only, to brawl. He goes from zero to maniac in six drinks. The only question is whom is he going to fight, and what pathetic reason is he going to devise for starting this mayhem. Is it because someone stepped on his shoe? Maybe his girlfriend got looked at? Maybe someone coughed in his direction? Either way, this guy is getting in a fight, and there is no rational way of stopping him. Apologizing…yeah right, you have a better chance of licking your own elbow than him forgiving you. Your best bet is to involve the bouncer and hope he whips his ass before he can get to you. But if things get ugly, kick him in the balls. You may be a pussy for doing it, but you’ll be a pussy who didn’t get his ass kicked.
The Touchy-Feely Guy
For some reason unbeknownst to mankind, when this guy gets drunk, he gets close. And the drunker he gets, the closer he gets. He becomes a close talker, starts putting his arm around you, and before you know it, he starts hugging you. And unlike having a girl do this (which is spectacular), when this guy does this it’s is about as awkward as trying to let out a silent fart and accidentally letting one rip. But this guy doesn’t realize his mutilation of social norms; because before you know it, he will utter the blasphemous words, “I love you, man.” Obviously, this freaks you out even more, and leaves you trying to find a way to escape the clutches of this madman before he tries to kiss you. Your best bet is to pawn him off on another friend. This may upset him, but don’t worry, he will understand after he pawns off this guy on some other poor sap
The Sure Thing
This girl is the most popular girl at the bar. She’s wasted, dancing to anything, and giving the ‘me love you long time’ look to everything at the bar, even pictures on the wall. Being so, you, as well as every other guy at the bar know this girl is looking to spread her legs like the Red Sea. It’s just a matter of what guy is going to win the jackpot. But this creates a problem in itself, because it evokes a competition for the ages. Like starving Ethiopians getting a glimpse of a steak, everyone turns bloodthirsty. A free-for-all erupts with every man cockblocking anything in sight, and doing anything he can to woo this girl, all with hopes of getting into her pants. But one thing is for sure, make your move quick, because odds are this girl’s consciousness is fading fast, and if someone doesn’t win her vagina soon, no one will.
Questions? Comments? Were you my best friend one night? If so, feel free to email me at ikatrz11@yahoo.com. Or feel free to check out our forum and leave some feedback in there.
But at the very least, don’t forget to check out my archives here., where you can read such classics as…
The Top 20 Classic Lecture Hall Students
The Man’s List of Life’s Simple Pleasures
Cheers to College
Pooping in Public and You
And of course…My 13 article series of Great Moments in Hookup History
