People always say college is the best four years of your life, and you know what, I am not going to argue with them.

But it would be blasphemy to totally discount the four years of High School. Not because it was anywhere as fun as college, but because it’s probably the most interesting years of your life. Think about it. Prom King and Queen, $1.20 lunches, nerds playing Magic card games, pep rallies, lockers that could barely fit my ego, and last but not least, having to ask permission to go to the bathroom, but not without an all-exclusive hall pass of course.

But let’s not forget the weirdest thing of all. One period a day, each and every student enters the High School alternate universe. Unlike every other class where teachers drone on and on about shit you eventually forget, one class a day propels students into a realm where they are forced into competitive match ups pitting themselves against each other in a struggle for male domination. As if High School couldn’t get any more bizarre, then came the one and only gym class, quite possibly the weirdest phenomenon this side of 8th grade.

In breaking down this weirdness, the first thing that comes to my mind is how gym class puts guys in one of the most awkward moments conceivable, changing in front of 40 other guys in the locker room. I mean, what if a cock accidentally makes an appearance? You just can’t look at a kid the same after you’ve seen his package. And what if this accidental cock belongs to a nerd, or a hairy bastard who looks like a human poodle and whose genital afropuff engulfs his manhood? A kid’s eyes and memory bank would be forever scarred. High schoolers are our future remember, they shouldn’t be forced into this homoerotic Hell.

And of course, this scenario is made exponentially worse during the classic swimming unit.

Here, instead of getting to keep your boxers on when changing, guys are forced to go full monty in front of each other to put their bathing suit on. This is just disgusting. There really should me an amendment to the Constitution limiting the amount of exposed cock in one room for the sake of everyone involved. And even though curiosity may rear its ugly head with each student wondering who has the biggest dick, no one wants to get caught sneaking a peak (since we all know getting caught doing that is he kind of thing people torment you about until well after your 10 year reunion), so all guys dress while staring at the ceiling, in mock total obliviousness of what is going on around them. Because after all, what you can’t see what can’t hurt you, well until someone sneaks up behind you at least.

Girls on the other hand….well I think we all know what they do when changing in the locker room. Oh yeah. Hubba hubba.

Now that’s how you break a sweat in gym class.

Speaking of the swimming unit, lets not forget the ‘urine myth’ that warned us not to piss in the pool or else the water will turn green around you (or red depending on the myth of your school). Even though it was probably all bull shit, it still scared all of us kids straight and kept a vice grip on the end of our dicks, well, at least until the shower afterwards. And then there was the pathetically easy ‘deep end test’ that everyone easily passed besides amputees and That Guy who was a pansy and was confined the shallow end because he couldn’t swim well . Sorry, but if you are in High school and still can’t pass a deep end test, you deserve to drown. Plus, let’s not forget all the fat people who wore t-shirts in the pool, and all the girls who mysteriously got their period on swimming day. What timing. Come on girls, let’s be honest, I know you all did it so we wouldn’t/couldn’t see your body. Well, let me be the first to say: to all you fat ugly girls…Thank you. But to all you hot girls…fuck you…prude bitches.

Moving out of the pool and into the actual gym, let’s not forget the all-important picking of the teams. If you ever want to know where you stand in the pecking order of popularity and athleticism, and resultantly get either an ego boost or a little dose of self-esteem paralysis, pay attention to where you are picked in gym class. If you are picked early, not only are you amongst the most athletic guys in the school, but you are also in the upper echelon of coolness and will inevitably live a long life of success, money, and STD’s from all the pussy that will rain down upon you. But if you are at the end (particularly dead ass last), I’m sorry guys, but there is no nice way of putting this, you suck at life and no one likes you, especially your mother because you embarrass her. Please, do all of us, including yourself, a favor …Go kill yourself.

Once your teams are picked, then comes the actual sporting events. Usually you have your average sports. You know, the basketball, the football (with flags of course so no one gets hurt), and softball, etc. But every once and a while you would get the random sports that made gym even weirder. Take archery, Ping-Pong (or table tennis for you tools), and the infamous pickleball of Newark High School fame for example. If shooting archery during a school period isn’t bizarre, I don’t know what is. And have you never heard of pickleball? Yeah me either, until gym class. One could only hope that one day it would be dodgeball day, as those days were greater gifts from god than nine-inch penises. But those days were few and far between

Here’s old man Witherbee playing Pickleball

Then, in addition to playing these weird games, we actually have to learn the rules and history of them for an inevitable test at a date to be named later. Of course this test takes place on the floor of the gym and not in an actual class, because after all that wouldn’t make any sense now would it? But let’s not fool ourselves, this test ranks up there with the easiest tests ever taken. If you are a man and don’t know the rules of football, I suggest you tuck your dick between your legs and go hook down by the docks, because you my friend are no man at all, but just a little bitch.

When it comes to the actual playing of these sports, there is one general consensus amongst the students. It’s all but written in stone that while in gym class no one gives more than 20 percent effort. Under no circumstances do you try hard, and I cannot stress it enough…under no circumstances do you break a sweat. Bottom line, you just don’t do it. It’s gym class taboo.

But then again, in every gym class there lies at least one living legend. One who rises above all expectations and gym class social norms. One who defies the laws of normalness. This my loyal fans, is the Gym Class Hero.

The Gym Class Hero is of the utmost weirdness of High School gym class. For some reason outside of the understanding of the average man, this person gives 100 percent even though no one else does. This person plays balls to the wall no matter what, and even in gym class, his motto is ‘second place is the first loser.’ You’ll typically find him being the only man sweating, the only man yelling, and the only man people are looking at weird wondering why the Hell he is trying so hard.

The mystery of this man may never be known. But I, Ian Valentine intend to do my best to find out. And so I bring to all of you, an interview with one of the most well-known Gym Class Heroes of the 21st century, ZubazPants.com’s own Roosta da Neezy.

Roosta da Gym Class Hero

Ian: Hello there Roosta da Neezy. Now before I get started I have to ask… what exactly is a ‘Neezy?’

Roosta: Come on man, don’t be hatin.’ It’s a Neezy. You know…a Neezy. Roosta da Neezy. Holla!

Ian: Uh….ok….I think. Anyways, Roosta I am here today to talk to you and get some information about you regarding your past experience in High school gym class.

Roosta: Oh yeah? Man I was the shit in Gym Class. What exactly do you want to talk about? How I was always the first one picked or how I won everything?

Ian: Well Kind of. Roosta, you are well known for being a legend in gym class. You have transcended all social norms and rules of gym class etiquette. You my fellow Zubaz alumni, are what the lay man refers to as a Gym Class Hero.

Roosta: The Hell I am you bald fuck.

Ian: Calling me bald huh? Very clever. Never heard that before. Anyways, if you don’t want to believe it, or accept it for that matter, let’s review the history.

Roosta: Whatever dick

Ian: How hard would you say you tried in gym class? Say in a percentage.

Roosta: Always tried my hardest. 100 percent. When it comes to sports, Roosta da Neezy always comes out on top. Hollaback!

Ian: Ok. Did you realize that no one else besides you was trying anywhere near that level?

Roosta: Yeah, but that because they couldn’t hang with me so they just didn’t try.

Ian: So you really believe that? You wouldn’t call yourself a Gym Class Hero considering you give 100 percent in gym class when everyone else only gives probably 20 percent?

Roosta: No way man. Go big or go home. Only pussies and retards half ass it. Gym class is an extension of life. Just win baby. Woooooooo!

Ian: I see. I must say I find it interesting you think those who don’t care about gym are the ones who are pussies and retards.

Roosta: Why’s that? What the fuck does that mean?

Ian: Just ironic is all. Anyways, let’s move on. We already established that when it comes to gym class you share the never say die attitude with that of the Goonies, but there might be more evidence of you being a Gym Class Hero, isn’t there? The proof goes beyond your gym class attitude, doesn’t it?

Roosta: What are you talking about man?

Ian: Isn’t it true you broke your ankle in gym class trying to block a shot against some poindexter looking trailer trash student who probably would have airballed the shot anyways?

Roosta: Maybe.

Ian: Maybe?

Roosta: Well, I was running down the court and saw a chance to block the piss out of this loser. So I sprinted, jumped as high as I could, and sent that ball flying. Then when I landed I heard a snap and it hurt like a motherfucker.

Ian: And didn’t this ‘snap’ later require x-rays?

Roosta: Well…..yeah

Ian: And what did the x-rays show?

Roosta: That it was broken.

Ian: So then you did break it?

Roosta: Ummmm…yeah. I guess so, Bitch.

Ian: Just for proof, I actually have a copy of that x-ray that I am going to show the fans. Furthermore, for the record, didn’t this landing require you to be carted off the court by the school nurse in a wheel chair? Man that must have been embarrassing. Did everyone clap like when a player gets hurt at a sporting event?

Here is da Neezy’s actual x-ray of his broken ankle

Roosta: Fuck you and your x-ray man. It still goes down in the books as a blocked shot. So what if I got carted off?

Ian: You make a great point. A broken ankle is a small price to pay for a blocked shot in gym class. But by the way, there are no ‘books’ keeping stats in gym class, you creepy bastard. Moving on, this injury also required you to walk around with crutches for how many weeks?

Roosta: I don’t know. Maybe six

Ian: Interesting. And you still don’t think you are a Gym Class Hero? I mean you already told me how you give 100 percent, you have a never slow down attitude even though no one else cares, and you even seriously hurt your ankle.

Roosta: Mother fucker, I am not a Gym Class Hero! I just try hard in gym and had bad luck!

Ian: For the record Roosta, how is your ankle now?

Roosta: You’re a dick. It still hurts to this day, and I have to wear not one but two braces on my ankle every time I play any sports.

Ian: So your intense gym class play has caused you long-term damage?

Roosta: I guess you could say that.

Ian: Ok one last questions for you Roosta. If you aren’t a Gym Class Hero, what would your own personal definition of one be?

Roosta: Uhhhhhhhh…Ummmmmmm…

Ian: Exactly. Ok then, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for your time Gym Class Hero.

Roosta:: I am not a Gym Class Hero!

Ian: Whatever Gym Class Hero. (I walk away, but not before kicking Roosta in the ankle).

So there you have it. It appears the myth of the Gym Class Hero is just as big as the myth of a female’s rationale, it may never be fully understood. One thing is for sure though, its denial is as intense as its existence.

Finishing off this weird world of high school gym class, I want to talk about the one aspect of it that even the Gym Class Hero himself cannot conquer. This feat is impossible to even the best athlete in your school. What am I talking about exactly? Well a perfect score on the physical fitness test of course.

In elementary and middle school passing the physical fitness test was easier than wiping your own ass But in High School, although it wasn’t as hard as it is for me to come up with new jokes for my articles, passing this test, let alone getting a perfect score on it, was harder to accomplish than completing the milk challenge. For those of you who may have had serious head injuries that keep you from remembering how this test works, I’ll tell you.

It involves five different tests where you would get either one, two, or three points based on how well you did. You then combine them, and basically the only way to pass was if your points totaled 14 or 15. They gave you a pat on the back if you got a 12 or 13 (which was jack shit), but anything less than that and you were considered the equivalent to something that comes with a Happy Meal. I don’t know what Nazi set the standards for these tests, but one thing is for sure, he was an asshole, as it was damn near impossible to get the maximum three points, and thus pass. Now let’s look at these challenges of doom.

Sit-ups
I’ll get this one out of the way first because it was probably the one and only physical fitness test portion that was possible to get a high score on. Flat out, you literally sit up over and over again as many times as you can for a minute. This is weird because I have never have, and never will ever be in a situation where I need to rattle off this many sit-ups in 60 seconds, and I can’t see what it tests besides your ability to fake a seizure, because that’s what it looks like. However, this one was the easiest to cheat at since you could have a friend count for you, which resulted in some inflated sit-up scores. This event usually gave you three points

You know they are all cheating

Pull-ups
These things suck more dick than Paris Hilton. And what’s worse, the number you were expected to get grew logarithmically every year, even though girls were only required to get a measly two pull-ups for max points. Yeah, women’s suffrage my ass. And then, these pull-ups were impossible to cheat on, unless you could ‘accidentally’ kick your feet off the wall to push yourself up, but even that’s only good for one pull-up before you get caught. But all in all, unless you were that one genetic freak of a class mate who could pound out pull-ups, no matter how many times you kicked your feet like you were running on air, you weren’t getting that many, as getting a lot was about as hard as admitting how much you masturbate. Most likely, you would get two points at best, but even that is unlikely.

The Shuttle Run
Although I must admit this was the most fun physical fitness test as it always provided hilarity as at least one uncoordinated kid was guaranteed to slip and fall on his face, it still sucked. Running as fast as I can between two points picking up blocks? No thanks, I haven’t ran anywhere as fast as I can since I was in 4th grade and would run to be first in line for lunch and recess. And plus, even with the handy dandy wet cloth to wipe your shoes on, it was damn near impossible to hit the speed of light that this event damn near required to get max points. Two points at best.

The Long Jump
What can I say about this that hasn’t already been said about That Friend that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t cut them out of your group of friends? It’s just that annoying. Standing there, the hurling yourself forward, just too see how far you can toss your own body. This was lame, this was pathetic, and the distance they wanted you to jump was ridonkulous. Now if I was a little kid and I was jumping a creek, it would be a whole different story, but its not. Don’t they know we have massive cocks and egos holding us down? Although this was probably an easy two points, I must say I was glad when this test was replaced by the infamous sit and reach in the final years of school.

Sit and Reach
Plain and simple, sit and reach while a machine measures how far you can reach past your tootsies. This one was pretty easy, but yet again they expected you to damn near stretch so far as to pull a Marilyn Manson and blow yourself, so getting max points was not happening. Although, this event was pretty sweet, as you got to watch the girls stretch…which flooded your mind with numerous x-rated thoughts, as if they weren’t there already.

I don’t know what’s worse, his shorts or his highlites.

The Mile Run
Here, High School wanted you to make like Carl Lewis and run a friggin’ mile in like five minutes. Fuck that. Ian Valentine doesn’t run anywhere, and I’m sure I am not alone there. That definitely exceeds my threshold of energy expenditure. Although the mile would prove who were the normal kids, who were the gym class heroes, and who just didn’t give a fuck. One would run for real, one would jog, and the other would straight up walk like they were in the AIDS walk. It typically took me about 13 minutes to finish the mile, which would qualify me as a ‘who gives a fuck,’ student and leave me with one point. Most people however, got two.

That about covers the physical fitness test. Let’s review what the average person got: three points on sit-ups, two points on the mile run, sit and reach/long jump, and shuttle run, and probably one point, maybe two on the pull ups. Combined, that brings your physical fitness test score to 10/11. You fail miserably.

I think you guys get the point by now. From changing in front of your friends, to deep end tests, to picking teams, to the Gym Class hero, to physical fitness, I can safely say that Gym class is the epitome of weirdness for High school. Its bizarreness goes unmatched, and will always be one of the most interesting things I ever participated in.

Questions? Comments? Want to change next to me? If so, email me at Ikartz11@yahoo.com.

And don’t forget to check out my archives here.