Imagine this: You are driving down the thruway, on your way back home from a great weekend of visiting some friends at their college. You had a great night last night, and are slightly hung over. You are laughing to yourself thinking of all the things that went down the night before. You’re on cloud 9 from the good times you just had.

But then it hits you.

You have to shit. But not just any shit; you have to take a beer shit. You know, the sloppy ones that wreaks havoc on your rectum because of all the alcohol you drank the night before. The kind of shit that makes it feel like Christmas morning after you unleash it into the toilet. The kind of shit that has to be let loose as soon as possible.

But then you then notice you are 110 miles from home. Uh oh. This can’t be good.

At first you try to ignore it, and hope the surging turtlehead will just go away. But then it just gets worse and worse. You pinch your ass cheeks together hoping nothing will slide past your butthole. Then you start to break a sweat. Now you can feel it in your stomach. Your legs start to go numb. You need to shit, and you need to shit bad. You start to think you are in so much pain from holding back this fecal monster that the pain of a woman giving birth has nothing on you. Your eyes go bloodshot and the veins in your neck start to pop out. It becomes very apparent that if you don’t shit soon, you may die from poopy poisoning.

But you are at least 90 minutes from home. Your toilet, your savior, your defecation temple is farther away than your ass may be able to handle. What do you do?

Do you hope for the best and put yourself through excruciating pain and hope this brown, beer saturated behemoth won’t show its head for another 90 minutes? Or do you pull over at the nearest rest stop, and drop trough in the nearest public toilet?

To sit or not to sit. Now that’s a real question

This my loyal readers, may be the biggest question a person may ever face.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Easy question.
What college do you want to go to? No problem.
Who are you going to marry? Piece of cake.
Whether or not to shit in a public toilet? Now that’s a real quandary.

This truly is a huge dilemma. Every person has been faced with this question. You have to shit, but the closest toilet is a public one, and odds are it’s a nasty one, as a clean public toilet is harder to find than Osama bin Laden. Sure it’s extremely convenient and will cure the torture rack this piece of shit has your abdomen in. But is it really worth it?

Lets think about this.

First, lets think about why you should pull over and have a bowel movement that would make other toilets jealous. Well, I did a little research and found out some interesting information.

And yes I did do research, and this information is legit. But this is Zubazpants.com, not CNN.com, so kiss my ass; you aren’t getting a works cited or bibliography.

If you do hold it too long, it can result in atrocious stomachaches, later constipation, brutal discomfort, and Gastro Intestinal infections. Furthermore, if the toxins of your shit are held inside the body for too long, the poop will actually re-enter the body and poison your blood stream. Hell, I even read that your body will become so desperate to force the shit out of your body that it is actually possible for you to throw up your shit. As you can imagine, that won’t get you too much ass later on, as you will forever be known as the guy who puked up shit. Puking up your own shit might be pussy kryptonite. It will destroy your sex life.

Don’t be that guy.

Looks like this guy has some corn saturated poop in his blood

So by taking a shit in the nearest public toilet, and not waiting until you get home, you avoid all of these risks. You will be comfortable, you’ll be healthy, and you won’t have breath that smells like you tossed someone’s salad and then washed your mouth out with toilet water. These are risks you certainly do not want to take.

Or do you?

Upon further research, I found some even more fascinating information. Public rest rooms are whorehouses for germs. I bet you didn’t realize that because a public toilet is not as clean as a private toilet, there are 49 germs per square inch in a public toilet. 49 Fucking Germs!!!!! That may be the definition of nasty. And that’s just an average public toilet. That’s not even including the germ brothels of port-a-potties (don’t even get me started about those things). But unless you are a moron, I don’t have to tell you that where there are germs, there are tricky viruses and diseases.

And I’m not talking about just a few, gone in a 24 hours viruses and diseases. I am talking about a myriad of water born infectious sons of bitches that will make you wish you were puking up your own shit. Lets take a deeper look at some infections and creepy critters you can catch from a public toilet.

Crabs
Yes those crabs. The sexually transmitted ones. Did you know you can catch an STD without piledriving some slut? Well you can. Even if you are a pansy-ass virgin you can still catch and STD. The pesky things grab onto your balls, lay millions of eggs and feast on your nut sac. These fuckers itch more than chicken pox, and the only way to get rid of them is to go to the store and embarrass the Hell out of yourself by buying magical shampoo and a pubic hair comb that kills these maniacal devils. Thanks but no thanks.

Awwww how cute. What damage could these little guys do?

Scabies
This is the bastard child of crabs. Just like crabs, scabies involves some serious itching and irritation. Although this time, it includes a nasty ass infestation of your skin with pimple-like rashes. And not only can you get this on your nuts, you can get this one everywhere on your body. Sounds fabulous.

Streptococcus
In case you can’t tell by the name, this is the virus that causes strepth throat. Yes, you can destroy your throat by going bare ass on a toilet. Have you ever had strepth throat? Well let me tell you it sucks. Every time you swallow it’s like swallowing a damn protractor, and those things have sharp edges, so it hurts more than a girl’s first time trying anal sex. But not only does this cause strepth throat, it causes Scarlet Fever. Just like scabies, this cocksucker also causes some freaky ass rashes all over your body, and even causes Impetigo, which is just like poison ivy. It causes itchy ass blisters that leak a gooey fluid. Yummy. I think I’ll pass though.

Try swallowing one of these suckers

Staphylococcus
Oh this virus is fun. It can really fuck your world up. In its purest form, it will make you wish that you would rather be partying at the Neverland Ranch. First it starts with cramps that makes you feel like your stomach is imploding. Then comes some severe projectile vomiting similar to the likes of failing the milk challenge. Then your body breaks out in acne, with the zits oozing puss. Sound like fun yet? Oh, but it’s just getting started. Next up is actual bone infection, finally ending with possible meningitis or pneumonia. Yes, meningitis and pneumonia. You could actually die from sitting on a dirty toilet. Wishing you would have held in your shit yet?

E. Coli and Shigella
These bastards are basically the same virus and basically rip your shit up in the same suck ass way. For 7-10 days your life is going to be turned upside down with explosive diarrhea, a high fever, body convulsions, and can even result in arthritis. You can catch friggin’ arthritis from a damn toilet man. Arthritis!!! What the crap is that?

E. Coli doesn’t look that bad. Yeah tell that to your asshole when you wipe it until its raw because you can’t quit shitting.

Hepatitis A
Ah yes, the long lost brother of the STD Hepatitis C. However, this one only requires you to pop a squat on a toilet, and doesn’t require you to pedigree some hoochie’s taco. Yeah, you don’t even get to get your dick wet, and you still catch a virus. Bull shit I tell you, Bull Shit. Just goes to show that if you are holding out on sex because of spooky diseases, there’s obviously no point, so go be nasty and show some hoodrat who’s boss. After all, without even getting laid, this disease will give you such side effects as inflammation of your liver, flu like symptoms including puking your face off and mud butt, and jaundice, which to you uneducated people means your skin turns yellow. Yeah that sounds about as cool as Chlamydia.

Speaking of Chlamydia. . .

Chlamydia and Gonorrhea
Oh boy, who can forget about my friend and yours, the Clap. Not only can you catch a minor STD like crabs from dropping trough on a public toilet, but you can also catch a real deal one that makes puss come out the end of your dick, other wise known as cheesedick, makes your taters swell and hurt like they are in a vice grip, and makes your junk burn like hell when you take a piss. I’m starting to rethink this whole shitting thing.

And what about the guy that sat his sweaty ass there before you? For all you know he could have pissed or shit all over the seat, or maybe even puked on it. Without you even knowing, you could be centimeters away from some schmucks stray poopsquirt. Needless to say, that will up the ante with the number of germs per square inch.

Still want to sit?

I for one say HELL NO.

Lets review this situation. So you hold it in, and what the worse that can happen? You get some cramps and get constipated? That’s no big deal, use some Icy Hot, and drink some prune juice. Poisoning of the blood? That’s nothing. If there are antidotes for snakebites and all sorts of other poisons, there is obviously an antidote for have shit in your blood. No need to worry there. Puking up shit is the one that makes this even a close debate. I for one do not want to puke up my own shit. Can you even imagine how your own shit tastes? I’ll be honest, I tried a little piece once, and it isn’t good. Take my word for it. But. . . the taste did go away after a few hours after some brushing and some gum. So basically, as long as you puke in private where no one can see you, puking up your own shit isn’t that bad. Yes it will taste bad for a while. But lets be honest, eating a girl out isn’t the best tasting thing in the world either. But the taste goes away, and you will be fine.

Oh yeah, I bet this is real clean

That officially leaves me with no logical answer why not to hold your shit in. Any side effects of it are easily manageable. Holding it in makes perfect sense.

After all, those side effects are nothing. Take a look back at what could happen if you do sit. Even if you’re a catholic school girl with a chastity belt around her koochie, or a pantywaist virgin, you can still get critters and cheese up in your unmentionables. And let me tell you, admitting you were once an alcoholic, or a drug addict, but have since cleaned up is respectable. But having a former STD on your resume is something that will haunt your future with a girl more than the time you couldn’t get it up on a one-night stand. You are forever scarred.

And diarrhea? Good Lord that is the worst. I will hold it in for a week before I have to go through that. It feels like your whole insides liquefied into some tapioca pudding and are shot out of your ass like a damn anal geyser where you can actually feel yourself losing weight. You can only hope no one heard your fecal canon. And not only that, you feel defiled and embarrassed after your done. You walk away with your head down, don’t talk about it, and hope it never happens again.

Lets not forget about rashes, some of which ooze puss. Yeah, that’s a great look. You spend all your time itching and rubbing your body. The only thing that could make that worse is throwing in some yellow skin that only Asians would be jealous of. I don’t even have to be a girl to tell you that isn’t the most attractive thing in the world. Red haired guys with cleft lips and birthmarks on their face will be more popular than your scratching ass. And you know the weirdos with those features aren’t popular.

Let’s not even talk about these disgusting shit holes

Let’s not forget the frequent vomiting. Even though holding it in may make you vomit up shit, that will be a one time only thing. However, by sitting on a public toilet, you can catch some shit that makes you puke non-stop. You know your social life will suck when you are hugging the porcelain God 24 hours a day. And the blood shot eyes and the acid eating away at your teeth? Geez, I would rather look like fellow zubaz writer Paul Feuer. That look may be a punishment worse than death.

And death!!! You can actually die from shitting. You can catch meningitis, pneumonia, or get bone marrow infections, which I am not positive how lethal that really is, but odds are it isn’t the best thing that can happen to you. You can seriously die from taking a shit. Where’s the dignity in that? You will officially be a laughing stock for the rest of eternity, and a story of misery that will be told for years to come. I don’t think I will ever have to shit that bad to the point where I am basically throwing in the towel on life by committing suicide. At least not until I have a threesome. Then I won’t really care.

There, you have the facts. Holding your swampy ass shit in is much better than taking a dump in a nasty ass public toilet. The side effects are not even close to what could happen if you decide to drop trough on an unknown territory. Sitting there is literally putting your health and life at stake. Doing the opposite is not only stupid, but it’s ridiculous and preposterous.

For me, I try to lead by example. I have literally sat on 12 toilets in my life. Because of all the nasty things that could happen, I NEED the homecourt advantage of my clean toilet bowls. It is there that I know is safe, and it is there that I know I wont be treading on the turf of any bootleg germs that could turn my life upside down.

And I know what some of you are saying, “I put toilet paper down on the seat,” or “I just squat.” Well remember this my friends, crabs can jump 10 feet and cling onto your nuts and ass hair.

Remember that next time a turtlehead is poking through and your miles from home. But if you do choose to sit, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Questions? Comments? Want to see my bibliography? Email me at Ikartz11@yahoo.com