What You Gonna Do, When the Zubaz Comes For You?
By JD Sphinx on 6-6-07
There is a time to let go of childish things – like some would consider our heightened interest with Zubaz. Fortunately, that time isn’t now. When recently describing the social event of the season, Zubazpalooza III to friends, I have been asked by one after the other that same classic question – “what are zooba pants anyway?” Newly informed, those who questioned the pants were decidedly humored when answered. But what does the rest of the world think of Zubaz pants?
Stepping outside of the fishbowls that are Yorktown and Cortlandt Manor, there lies a thriving Metropolis that I was anxious to dabble a bit of Zubaz into. When asking 25 women, men and children of various ages and races their thoughts on the pants, the answers were fluid and at times far between. So here is the general public’s view when it comes to this:
“What do YOU think of my pants?”
Data from this one brief study examining the level of affection that New York City harbors for Zubaz pants is displayed as follows. Sex, race, and age are included.
Subject 1.
Male/Latin/Middle-aged?
"What do you think of my pants?"
He shows me his 'route map' because he doesn't understand English and has absolutely no clue what I am asking of him. He assumes I am requesting a ride in his little cart. Dumbass.
"Ok, ok no thanks" I say as I walk away from the bum-looking botard and his silly chart. "BYE!"
This shall be fun; weeding out the non-English speaking from those who will be able to answer the solitary question of my most meddling concern. Fun indeed. I need a Subject 1 re-do!
Subject(s) 1 a, b & c.
Female(x3)/Caucasian (x2), Latin (x1)/14(x3)
The first little girl looks at me with disgust before I even utter the question.
"What do you think of my pants?"
"They're alright."
"Would you wear them?"
"No" say two of them. "If you put them together with something" adds the third little girl.
Sadly I did not get a picture with these chiquitas, and they did not seem to find my Zubaz all the rage. Idiots!
Subject 2.
Male/Indian/27
"What do you think of my pants?"
"They're good."
"Are you just saying that? Be honest!"
"They're good...!"
Blah. Give me something people, come on!
Subject 3.
Female/Asian/46
"What do you think of my pants?"
"They good. Wear to beach."
Once again, no picture. What babies. But hey, can't blame 'em. I'd be scared my face would end up on some kiddie porn ring website or something.
Subject 4.
Female/Caucasian/29
"What do you think of my pants?"
"They are loud."
"Anything else?"
"They are very 80s"
"Would you wear them?"
"Sure, why not."
Damn straight "why not."
Then my photographing companion insisted I take a picture with this horse.
I'm sorry, but I was scared of the damn thing.
After taking this totally unnecessary shot, the horse’s caretaker asked if I was interested in taking a ride. I told him no, and said I was just looking. "No, you're taking pictures, I saw that." he angrily retorted. I began walking away, shrugging off his bizarro-ness. "Don't lie to me. I even listen to people in their pajamas!" he shouted after me. What a jerk! Though comfy, Zubaz should not be confused with sleepwear.
Subject 5.
Male/Caucasian/45(Liar)
"What do you think of my pants?"
Cocks his head and just looks at me.
"Would you wear them?"
"No. Did you design them?"
"Yes." (Obviously not true)
"Yes well, they're okay for a lady. I'd wear ‘em, ya know, if I were gay."
Ha! Little do you know dickless tracy, that Zubaz pants were created, for MEN!
This picture isn't awkward, at all.
Subject 6.
Female/Caucasian/51
"What do you think of my pants?"
"Why? is he saying they are ugly?" (She assumes my photographing companion is my boyfriend. He is not.)
"Yes, he says they are ugly, but I love them." (Lies. Total lies, this never happened!)
"Honey, I think they are amazing. Don't EVER let a man tell you what to wear. EV-ER. My husband ever tried to do that, forget it. He thinks what I wear is crazy too. He tells me to cut my hair, I say 'no way!' He should be glad I have this body at 51."
"So you would wear these?"
"Absolutely!"
She is a comedic performer. Her presentation that day was for young children in Central Park as a fundraiser. She, and her feminist ways, are most awesome.
This is the best picture ever!
Subject 7.
Male/Caucasian (Foreign)/37
"What do you think of my pants?"
"They are nice."
"Would you wear them?"
"No, they look better on women."
Anyone else noticing a pattern here?
Four thumbs up for Zubaz!
Subject 8.
Male/Latin/45
"What do you think of my pants?"
"Very cool! Miami, yeah!"
"Would you wear them?"
"Yes I love Miami, I from there."
"What if they weren't Miami?"
"Yes, yes!"
Priceless!
Wait a minute, can we get a close up...
Undeniable beauty!
Subject 9.
Male/Caucasian (Foreign)/First he said 41, then 21. Go figure.
"What do you think of my pants?"
"Very nice" - okay Borat.
"Would you wear them?"
"No...Is for women."
"Actually, they were designed for men."
He chuckles nervously...pervert. "Very nice, for women."
Look alive partner! The Zubaz ain’t gonna eat ya’.
Subjects 10 a and b.
(a)Parent: Female/Caucasian/37
(b)Child: Male/Caucasian/Six
"What do you think of my pants?"
Mother: "Very cool."
"Would you wear them?"
Mother: "Sure", she laughs.
"What do you think of my pants?" gesturing to child.
Child: "They are cool", he pauses, "but not the hooking fish."
He is referring to the Miami Dolphins logo. Hate on it, and you get no picture – innocent child or not! Suckers.
Subject 11.
Female/Caucasian/27
"What do you think of my pants?"
"Cool."
"Would you wear them?"
"Only indoors."
Pussy. I don't even want your picture.
Subject 12.
Female/Caucasian/24
"What do you think of my pants?
*Insert painful valley-girl accent* "They look like they represent a sportsteam."
"Well, they do. Would you wear them?"
"No."
Yeah you wouldn't. Cover that shit up pasty McGee.
Subject 13.
Female/Caucasian (Foreign)/30
"What do you think of my pants?"
"They are, cool."
"Would you wear them?"
"Yes."
"In and outdoors?"
"Yes."
"Right on!"
We were totally ready for this shot...
Subjects 14 a and b.
(a)Parent: Female/Caucasian/"Old"
(b)Child: Female/Caucasian/14
"What do you think of my pants?"
Child: "They are cool."
"Why?"
Child: "Because they are interesting"
Mother: "They are nice."
"Would you wear them?"
Mother: Giggles, "If I were 20 years younger!"
"No, Zubaz you wear always, all de time."
They laugh.
Investigating through fences in Central Park.
Subject 15 and 16.
Male x2/Caucasian x2/62 & 63
"What do you think of my pants?"
Both: "They are amaaaaazing"
"Do you really think that?"
15: "Yes, yes! Can I touch them?"
"Uh, suuuu...reeee."
He lightly touches a part of my Zubaz I have extended toward him. What a fucking pervert.
How lovely.
15: "So you are designing these?"
"Yes" (Lies.)
15: "They are fabulous!"
16: "They look comfy."
"They are! Would you wear them?"
Both: "Yes!"
"In and outdoor?"
Both: "Anywhere!"
"Wanna take a picture?"
Both: "Yes!"
15:"Oh, and we're virgins..." (fucking men.)
"Hey, me too! We have so much in common already!"
Notice the intense arm grab.
Subject 17.
Female/Indian/23
"What do you think of my pants?"
"Kind of cute."
"What do you mean, kind of?"
"They are good for, like, the hot days."
"Would you wear them then?"
"Sure."
No picture!
Subject 18.
Male/African American/26
"What do you think of my pants?"
"OOHHHH, Miami! I just got back from there."
"So would you wear them?"
"Yeah, I fucking love Miami."
"Want to take a picture?"
"Sure."
Happy, happy, joy, joy.
Subject: "Want to take a sexy pic?"
"Sexy pic?"
"Yeah...well I'm with a pretty girl, we need a sexy pic."
"Is that right? Well, why not."
Sorry guys, my "sexy face" simply can not be revealed. He's just too damn fly though. He was actually pretty rad, sans his perve picture suggestion.
Subject(s) 19 a, b & c
Female x3/Caucasian x3/25 x3
"What do you think of my pants?"
All: "AWESOME! We're from Florida!"
"No way! That's awesome man! Is this your first time in NY?"
19b: "Only for one of us."
19a: "My mom has a pair of FSU Zubaz. Yours are awesome!"
"No she does not! That's crazy, you guys rock and so does your mom, freaken rad man."
Some Zubaz-owner bonding, how sweet. They wanted a copy of this on their camera too!
Subject 20.
Male/Asian/31
"What do you think of my pants?...Wait don't even answer, you think they are ugly! It's written all over your face!"
He sits in silence.
"Well, what do you think of them?"
"Yes, they are ugly."
"I knew it! That's ok man you can think that. So you wouldn't wear them?"
"No. Never, why are you?"
"Or the better question, why aren't you!?"
Yes I will wave my pen in your face Chinaman, for you speak with a forked tongue when addressing Zubaz. How dare you!
Subject 21.
Male/Latin/28
"What do you think of my pants?"
"Your pants?"
"Yepp, my pants."
"Very nice."
"Now don't lie to me!"
"I'm not, they are nice."
Right, because I can totally see THIS GUY rocking Zubaz, please!
Subject 22.
Male/Caucasian/"Retired"
"What do you think of my pants?"
"They are great! I just got back from Las Vegas."
"Is this something you would see in Las Vegas?"
"Yes!"
"Really? You saw ZUBAZ in Las Vegas?"
"Yes I did! They are great!"
"So you would wear these?"
"You betcha!"
Suddenly I looked up and Subject 21 was there, giggling along as I questioned the elderly doorman. A little perved out that this creeper still wanted part of the action, I thanked old Grandpa and dipped out.
Subject(s) 23 a & b.
Female x2/African American x2/17 x2
"What do you think of my pants?"
Both: "They are different but I like the way you are wearing them, with that shirt."
"So would you wear these?"
Both: "If they were put together with that shirt. You put it together nicely."
"Hey thanks. Would you wear them in and outdoors?"
Both: "Yes."
Even young fashionistas got some love for Zubaz.
Subject(s) 24 a & b.
(a)Male/Asian/20
(b)Female/Asian/19
"What do you think of my pants?"
Both: "They are nice"
"Would you wear them?"
24a: "She was just saying she thought they were cute when you were over there."
"Hey thanks man, so you would wear them?"
24b: "Yes."
"Would you?"
24a: "No."
"Why not?"
24a: "Too feminine"
Looking less than content about being photographed.
And finally last, but certainly not least...
Subject 25.
Male/Caucasian/Who knows
"What do you think of my pants?"
"They are GREAT!"
"Would you wear them?"
"Honey, I would wear anything you put on."...Right.
He make'a me laugh.
Possibly a bit too close for comfort. Believe it or not, there was a passenger in that truck too!
This driver then continued to hand me his business card, along with some other weird photograph of him and some fat dude. On the back of the photo there were all these weird stats. Ie: His home number, height, weight, age, full name, and other perve details I did not need to know. Strange one indeed, but nice.
Discussion.
Now sure, this investigation may not be the most professional to ever grace the screens of your precious interweb, but it measures and reflects what it is suppose to, thus making it completely valid. Under the scrutiny of the New York public, Zubaz pants receive a lukewarm, but sometimes icy reception amongst males, and an almost always favorable warmth from women. If you look at the stats on each subject you can even see like individuals had like opinions rather often. An example would be how males for the most part viewed Zubaz pants as being too feminine to be worn, or how women associated Zubaz pants with characteristics of youthfulness.
For some, Zubaz is the key to one’s regression to a past era. For others, it is the clothing equivalent of Rosie O’Donnell. For us, it triggers the pleasure of fireworks in the department of our brain reserved for all things perve, in the very best way. Falling somewhere before layer cake, and somewhere a bit after My Morning Jacket, Zubaz is quite the amazing creation. The thing about these pants is, once you begin to nurture a fondness for them, there is little to nothing you can do about it later in life. Zubaz has a powerful chokehold on many, showing no antidote in sight, and that perve-drenched lot seems to be liking it quite a bit.
Rock on Zubaz, rock the fuck on.
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