The Museum of Sex.
By JD Sphinx on 5-25-07
NEW YORK – A cool breeze blows through the spaces between the closely built, dull looking buildings on 27th Avenue in Manhattan. Looking around, the human eye wanders aimlessly over uninviting brick structures, one on top of the other it seems. Then suddenly a fracture appears in the long string of bland nothingness. There is one establishment alive enough to catch your eye, and more surprisingly, keep it there. The jewel of the Chelsea District is none other than The Museum of Sex.
A place of almost peculiar interest, The Museum of Sex is one of the buildings I would constantly pass on my seven-block walk to the Fashion Institute of Technology, when I attended in the past. I’d always pass and wonder what the hell could be in there. I mean what the HELL is in there man? It’s a freaken museum dedicated to serving up the old man his dinner, and that's pretty nutty. I’d picture marble statues of nudies with possible porno’s playing throughout. Perhaps a “History of the Sex Toy” exhibition, who knows! With a name like that, one's imagination could run rampant with dire inquisitiveness, unable to fathom what could possibly comprise a museum dedicated to doing the nasty.
No longer attending FIT, my curiosity reached a dormant state. However in the name of Zubaz, a light bulb popped over my head one day.
I decided if I were going to trot on back to the old stomping grounds and scope out this naughty niche, it would only be right to take you with me. After all who better to share a journey of such titillating mystery with than my favorite little perverts? So here is your ticket, and here we go!
Welcome to the Museum of Knocking Boots.
Upon entering, fast paced, thumping techno music flooded my ears. "Classic" I thought. Just about as classic as the lovely sign hanging in the museum lobby...
Aw, that's cute.
Then something not so classic crossed paths with me. I turned the corner to enter the first of the three galleries in the museum and was greeted by this...uh, "thing."
A less than pleasant welcome stand-up. Be glad I censored it man, be GLAD.
Within minutes I quickly learned that this museum wasn't joking around. Not in the least. The first gallery featured an exhibit titled "Kink."
Debating if "lucky" or "unlucky" was the proper term to use for the timing of my visit to this museum, I continued on down pervert lane. "Kink" is dedicated to carrying you out of your comfort zone and encourages you to explore the world of kink, fetish, and fantasy using the "Erotic Roadmap". Needless to say, the museum is pretty hands-on.
Your guide, the "Erotic Roadmap".
The Erotic Roadmap is also painted as a huge mural on the exhibits main floor and features such detailed sections as...
Hey, that's not "kinky"...
Eh, getting there...
Ok, I'm beginning to see it now...
That doesn't sound too comfortable...
Furverts? Yeah, no thanks...
Now that's just gross!
Wait a minute, someone thinks CASTRATION is HOT!?
WHAT...!
I was starting to see what these kinkoids meant by "leaving your comfort zone", yet some of these just seemed nonsensical. But, oh how convenient : There are some actual models here to more validly depict the kinks!
A display of "Animal Play"...
Wowzers...
A display of "Furverts"...
Destroying the image of stuffed animals for me, forever.
A random image that related to literally nothing in the rest of the museum.
How bizarre, how bizarre.
A display of "Rubber wear"...
Have to say, I'd be more freaken TERRIFIED than anything else with this thing involved...
A display of "Adult Babies"...
I wonder what they do with the rattles...?
Return to infancy? Think I'll pass.
And then, as if it were possible, things got even weirder...
A display of "Medical Play"...
Because brokens bones are so damn hot.
A display of "Bodily Fluids"...
Why don't you just say "Yes sir, I would like some fucking AIDS." Excuse me while I go barf.
I had had enough of the kinkoids, and it was time to move on, but not before passing the worlds pervest "guestbook."
Proof that MOSex (spicy abbreviation) is visited by all walks of life, including the Korean.
After checking out some of the perverse doodles and gracious praises sloppily scribbled in their guestbook I made my way to Exhibit 2.
The second exhibit surveys the history of sex and the moving image (aka PORN) over the past 130 years, featuring scenes from more than 200 films ranging from Edison's 1896 film The Kiss and the cult classic Debbie Does Dallas, to more amateur films such as One Night in Paris and the blockbuster Brokeback Mountain.
This section of the museum has films covering anything and everything: Early film, stags, youth and virginity, celebrity pornographic films, nudist films, sexploitation and race, mainstream same sex, transexuality/transvestitism, taboo and censorship, same sex pornographic films, and much more.
One of the hundreds of scenes played in Exhibit 2.
America's favorite slutty punching bag, Paris Hilton.
In addition to the multiple screens playing these raunchy flicks, there were Instructional Films playing in other stations.
Currently Playing: "How to Achieve Orgasm."
An individual booth for those who'd rather watch their flicks in solitude, well, sort-of.
I think I could use some hand sanitizer just standing near this thing.
Filled to capacity with my porn intake, I moved to the third and final gallery of the museum.
Spotlight offers a sampling of artifacts and ephemera drawn from over 25,000 objects that form the museum's permanent collection. This collection covers many aspects of human sexuality, but the majority reflects America's changing attitudes about sex and sexuality.
At first this section of the museum seemed clean and peaceful, featuring informative pieces, such as...
Childbaring
Well isn't that nice.
Then however I spotted the inventions, and dear lordy, are they OUT THERE.
The Worlds first interweb controlled sex machine...
The cyber dweebs dream come freaken true.
I could tell you what's on the end of that metal bar,
but I think it'd be more fun for you to guess.
I have no words! You don't need me to explain, do ya?
Lord help you if you ever end up on, in, under or anywhere remotely AROUND this thing.
YIKES!
Gas mask anyone?
Then there was some featured artwork and other interesting creations.
Can you spot the pervoid?
If you're feeling touchy-go-feely...
He asked me for my digits.
But declined a kiss on the cheek. Jerk.
She was stoked about taking pics, she works in the Burlesque show. Whore.
PHEW! Finally sex museumed out, I was ready to depart. I retreated to the gift shop, where many a tainted trinket is sold.
A few selections from an expansive collection of highly perverse reading material.
Can you guess what the bottom left book is titled? Starts with a "C" and rhymes with Blunt.
Isn't that just adorable...
A favorite among the female patrons of MOSex.
In addition to the gifts photographed here, the other many choices were limitless, and also rather shameless. I purchased a dainty little shot glass and headed on out, ready to face the world with my further developed, slightly mentally disturbed outlook on human sexual activity.
The Museum of Sex is a gritty place, unwilling to play it safe and definitely the only one of its kind. Which is a lot to say for a museum which started out with features as stimulating as a freaken marble collection. Though I honestly believe only 3% of the population take part in most of the "kinks" featured in its main exhibit, it was still rather interesting to learn how unbelievably far people around the world will take the act of intercourse. MOSex presents sexuality in a sober, mature light, even when displaying something your pretty little brain can't entirely comprehend, or was prior unaware of. The first and second exhibit wrangle your attention with their unbridled provocative nature, successfully illustrating how the boundaries of sexual content have shifted over the years. The third however falls short of enticing and lands closer to mind-numbingly disinterested, for its attempt of placing outrageous sexual objects in boring, glass enclosed arrangements. While some argue that the slang dubbed "Museum of Smut" doesn't properly display the horror of diseases which can be contracted from promiscuity, let it be known that displays such as "Bodily Fluids" noted "this is not safe sex" in it's summary. Overall the Museum of Sex is a trip, and a mature audience should enjoy themselves.
And for all you sissy mary-jane sunshine’s out there who find distaste with the content of this article, or believe it to be inappropriate, I say - spin on it Mary Magdalene. Ignoring human sexuality is not only impossible, but also rude. Sexual aggression is an innate primitive instinct, and it is simply respectful to recognize it.
Another thing you should recognize is my archive, riiiiiight...here!
Questions? Comments? Info. on the Museum of Sex? Toss me an e-mail at JDaw22@gmail.com.
Remember the name ZUBAZPANTS.COM, baby.
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