Well hello, fellow Zubazkateers, or as I like to say Zubazians. This here is my debut, and what better way to violently smash the first-article-hymen, than to write about perve hair.

We know it's out there, we see it everywhere, and we try desperately to avoid it. But sometimes the spectacle still sneaks up on us like Joey Scaggs' millimeter tweeter and jingle berries in the sleazy Peekskill, NY bar that is Pop-Eyes. Here, we pay certain homage to the completely absurd hairstyles that have ever so graciously provided me with many a tear … of pure laughter, that is.

An Introduction:

Perve hair: No, it's not the kind that grows on your "privates," but rather hair styled, or in some cases not styled, in a way that only a complete PERVERT could enjoy donning on the regular (See here for in-depth sauce on PERVE). You know exactly what I am talking about. It's the chick or dude you pass at some point in your day, and do a double take of because it's THAT insanely ridiculous. Every now and then when I witness an outrageous do, I snap a shot. Sometimes I ask politely to do so, and sometimes I don't. Here, some examples are as follows…

Dreads...in a high ponytail.

Bored in between innings at a Yankee/Red Sox game, I noticed this young gentleman a few rows in front of me. Something about the fact that an undiscovered species of insect might emerge from your greasy entangled tresses freaks me out a little too much. But then you pull the trigger and pile it on top of your head and secure it with a SCRUNCHY? I imagine this scrunchy to be a multitude of soft pastel hues with little jewelies tastefully woven throughout. The truth I will never know as it is hidden beneath the mess, and I am OK with that. Bottom line, it's wrong, and no one should do it. EVER.

Gelled to perfec...ew.

Another classic perverted do. That dude who has more maple syrup looking gel atop his scalp than actual hair. What would you look like if you went out WITHOUT viciously sexually abusing a bottle of LA(or is it L.A.?) looks before you left? Your hair is hard enough to slice a piece of three-week-old Italian bread with ease, and that is nasty to me. Do us all a favor, and go au'natural. It can't hurt. Hey, it could even help.

Bleach Bottle Blonde.

As if looking like a goddamn Malibu Barbie isn't bad enough, when I see a guy with hair blonder than the dolls I'm skeeved out. I'm still not sure what's worse, naturally white blonde locks, or the voluntarily bleach bathed strands. I used to work across the hall from a dude with ultra blonde hair. He came in on Halloween to tell me I had the best Halloween costume of the evening and shot me a pick up line. The line was bad, but then again, they are all pretty bad. Anyway, what? Did you think your pale and shiny cowlick would somehow have me swooning? Much like this dude named Zach I use to know who put "Zachary" on his nametag because he thought girls would find it "cute." Yeah ... right ... I'm not falling for it, I see right through your devious contrivance, and it's not going to work. I will not fall victim to the bleach blonde pervy locks!

"Emo" Hair.

Can someone please tell me what is attractive about having a veil of hair sheltering your eyes and face from the world? Not all "emo" kids take it to this extreme, and not all whom rock the perve do are "emo" fans, but nonetheless it has grown to be dubbed "emo" hair. Look, you're not “like a surfer brah,” OK? I don’t care how much you hate the idea of showers, or if your soft lush locks double as a permanent freaken Kleenex for all the nights you stay up quietly crying your peepers out in the corner over how much your life is sucking your soul dry, and how nobody truly loves you. You look stupid and unkempt and you should just shell out the 20 bucks and get a buzz cut. Or make like Jim Byrne and SPEND 50 DOLLARS for it, yeah you heard me.

Mariah Carey's Hair.

No I did not take this picture, and thankfully so because though I have sometimes deeply pondered about what happens when you get THAT close to one of Satan’s robots, I have never actually been brave enough to venture out and try. I'm actually not sure what disturbs me more, the fact that she was cool and confident with her hair being arranged into a series of tight perve blonde curls, or that after the debacle known as Glitter, she still attempted to maintain a pseudo-successful career. Look MC, it's over. The jig is up, and your nipples are sideways.

And lastly, The Rat tail.

The ultimate in perve hair, it’s THEE mother load. Never has there been a trend as entirely ridonkulous as this, and never shall there be one to follow. All other perve hairstyles co-exist in the mighty shadow that the rat tail proudly casts over them. Not only has this rat tail most likely gone unshowered for weeks, but it's PARTLY braided. What could be worse? Possibly dying the tail and ONLY the tail? Oh wait; our own Ian Valentine has already done that. A phenomenal step backward in the world of hairstyles; we all thought this nightmare had died, but no, it lives, and it lives to haunt us.

Well folks, there you have it. Perve Hair installment one, will there be more? Is Paris Hilton a tranny? Do Estelle Getty’s curtains match the carpet? All questions left unanswered until a later time, on ZUBAZPANTS.COM


Questions? Comments? Tasty pecan logs? …shoot me an e-mail at Jdaw22@gmail.com