Baseball is a sport. It is one of the favorites in my heart and of all the other members of ZubazPants.com. The actual striped pattern of the actual zubaz pants originate from sports and actually you can find a pair from your favorite team to use to root them on this year. I suggest you all do this because it makes things CRAZY LIKE SHIT IN A TOILET. Sometimes I bring magazines when going into the toilet room. That’s a weird ass topic actually, when you’re taking a dump, what’s the weirdest thing any of you have ever brought in there to entertain yourselves. I mean for the times when you might be in there a while, maybe a little solitaire hand held game or a sports magazine? I think I’d say KALEIDOSCOPE. Look at those shits they are wild and wacky. The time I brought it in was probably a time I just made a scurried look around and grabbed the nearest thing in. Anyway, let’s take a look into the Kaleidoscope of Zubaz and see the battalion and ball ‘06 season preview.

MICHELLE TANNER PUT THAT SHIT ON HER FACE AND IT LEFT A BLACK CIRCLE AROUND HER EYE

NL EAST

Atlanta Braves

HotLanta! I’m kidding, fuck these guys, I have always hated them and their tomahawk chop bullshit. They started baseball under the name “Boston Beaneaters.” I wish they still had the same name it would be much better and wetter because it’s nearer to the ocean. They come to the year of the dog 2006 with a brand new look on life, partly because pitching guru Leo Mazzone said “Peace out Honkies,” and took the trails north to Baltimore. Will their first year without him make Jorge Sosa decompose or make him play with silly putty and a newspaper right on the mound? My guess is not. They will still play classic “Bobby Cox” ball even though I’d like to see that fucker flounder for once in 87 years. While they fail to get a division crown for the first time in 13 years just imagine Bobby Cox speaking to reporters with the voice of the meatball from Aqua Teen HungerForce. Prediction: 3rd Place.

New York Mets

It’s always good to go to a game and get trashed, and blast the theme music to the Price is Right. Seriously though you “Met fans” have something to look forward to this year. Except Kaz Matsui. That guy fucking sucks. If everyone stays healthy this could very well be a playoff team. I think Beltran rebounds but not as good as his ’04 season. During the season however, you will see Bobby Valentine make a return in his mustache and glasses to play “Risk” the board game with Danny Devito. Prediction: 2nd Place & a possible Wild Card team, although I do think they will have some stiff competition for it. Also interesting to see will be how Sam Champion deals, now that his main squeeze has been shipped off to San Diego.

Washington Nationals

I used to love these guys when they were the Expos. Motherfucking Expositions man. I still have a vintage hand-me-down Tim Raines jersey from when he was on their team. Anyway, these aren’t your grandpappy’s Expos or Nationals. A lot of people are expecting a bummed out Soriano not putting up even half his usual numbers in that spacious galaxy known as RFK Stadium. If Soriano stays and doesn’t wind up getting traded for a couple of jack in the boxes, I think there will be a drop off, but only a slight one, as he will still be one of the best 2nd basemen eligible players out there. In a tough division this year, I just can’t see Nick Johnson taking over Conan O’Brien’s late night talk show job, nor anything higher than 4th place.

Das Philadelphia Philles

Anyone else besides me notice a striking similarity between David “Shrek” Ortiz and rookie phenom Ryan Howard. This guy is a straight up man-beast, who could put up some stud-like numbers this year. They don’t have the best pitching rotation in the world, let alone the NL east, but I think this Philly team makes some people take notice this year. This is Chase Utley’s year to become an elite 2nd baseman, and to stop participating in civil war reenactments. Prediction: 1st place.

Florida Marlins
Well I haven’t seen a bigger sale this side of JC Penny, but that’s just what the Marlins did. What I do like is that they are making room for all their youngsters and prospects who seem pretty decent. Jeremy Hermida and Josh Willingham will be in the top running for rookie of the year, and former Met Mike Jacobs could hit 25-30 hrs. Miguel Cabrera is always Dominican, but shouldn’t experience much of a drop off at all in his numbers. In any case, all the high leg kicks in the world won’t help Dontrelle and the Marlins out of the gutter this year. Prediction: 5th place.

AL CENTRAL

Kansas Shitty Royals

It’s ALL ABOUT THE FOUNTAINS MAN! Some rapper should make a song about the fountains in this stadium and THEN, the Royals will win, you know just like “the Super Bowl Shuffle.” But until that happens, they just don’t have the talent/money to stay afloat in the ocean that is the AL Central Division. Prediction: 5th Place.

Detroit Tigers

Do I think Kenny Rogers does as good as last year? Hell no! It’s Kenny Rogers. Maybe if Roy wasn’t around back in the day, Kenny would have his own fast food hamburger joint. I could use a tasty burger right about now. Anyway, how could you not root for a team with a guy named “Nook” on it? One bright spot in their dark cloud is 1b Chris Shelton. It’s a shame he’s got a tattoo of a butterfly on his lower back. That kind of grosses me out. Prediction: 4th Place.

World Champion Chicago White Sox

NOW THE WHITE SOX GOT JIM THOME! Too bad Jim will be too busy pretending to be Paul Bunyan this year than staying healthy and hitting homers. The Cum-Stained colored Sox still have great starting pitching, but how lucky will they be two years in a row? Luck can’t roll their way forever, and I do believe they come back to earth and closer to a .500 record. EARTH TO JIM THOME, JIM THOME SPEAKING. Prediction: 3rd Place.

Minnesota Twinkies

As long as they have “the Single Guy,” Jonathan Silverman on their team…wait…that was a movie called “Little Big League?” Damnit. Anyway, there is still Johan being Johan, Joe Nathan putting sauerkraut on his balls (not a baseball mind you), and a young fireballer named Francisco Liriano to take notice of this year. Whatever though, someone get these fuckers a new ballpark, I’m sick of watching baseball in a giant sized garbage bag aren’t you guys? Prediction: 2nd Place.

Cleveland Indians

If only everyone had a haircut like Charlie Sheen in “Major League” then the world would really be a better place. A ton of guys I really like this year should do very well: Grady Sizemore, Jhonny Peralta, Travis Hafner, V-Mart, and C.C. Sabathia. If last year was only a glimpse into how good these Indians can be, then they surely will be a team to watch this year. Does anyone have any clue on what C.C. stands for? Did he get it from A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell? Calbert Clifford Sabathia, say hello to the disabled list bro. Prediction: 1st place.

AL WEST

Seattle Mariners

In 2006, cavemen across the world united to declare 90 percent of the Seattle Mariners underachievers. They are talking about guys like Sexson and Beltre. Anyone else realize that Jarrod Washburn is on this team now? Felix Hernandez is a sicko that can’t even get into a bar yet, but can kill someone with a flick of his wrist. He will come out to the song “Scarborough Fair” by Simon & Garfunkel which will lull his opponents to sleep, right before he blows them away with his fastball. What you think about that buckwheat? Prediction: 4th Place.

Texas Rangers

I don’t like any pitchers on this team this year, because it appears my backyard is bigger than the ballpark these guys are trying to hit home runs out of. They got rid of Soriano for a copy of Goldeneye007 for Nintendo 64. Goldeneye will play 2nd base but is not known so much for its glove. The real 2nd baseman Ian Kinsler is another candidate for rookie of the year. The guy can hit and let’s face it, the Rangers didn’t get rid of Soriano to let Mark DeRosa take over at 2nd base. Expect a nice comeback year from Bradley Wilkerson who should smack around 30 or more homers. Fuck this team though because of George W’s soul. Prediction: 3rd Place.

California/Anaheim/LA of Anaheim Angels…

These guys will always be good. Vladimir is a beast of burden, and Bartolo Colon is a fat toad who can pitch well until he gets hungry like Tony Robbins. They have probably the best relief staff in the majors, and the biggest air freshener known to man because of Bartolo’s gas problem. Rolaids big guy, Rolaids. Watch out for Rookie of the Year candidate Casey Kotchman. Prediction: 2nd place, possible Wild Card.

Oakland Athletics

If these guys were on “myspace” they’d have “Swinger” under relationship status. Get it? Because of their logo up there…eh never mind ya humps. Dick Harden, Barry Zito, and Tiffany Amber Theissen make up the most balanced rotation in the majors, along with Danny Haren as well. Dan Johnson is an up and coming polished 1st baseman, and they have other solid guys in the field also. Playoff team they are. Prediction: 1st place.

NL Central Division

Cincinnati Reds

Ain’t much to say about the Reds, except that they are…the REDS. From the creative mind of whoever nicknamed the Cleveland NFL franchise the “Browns,” the fellas from Cincy have another losing season to look forward to. Why you ask? They have a half fish/half man as their closer by the name of David Weathers! ? Anyway, they have some bright spots like 3B Edwin Encarnacion. One thing about these guys though, they are all the same type of hitter; Power + a ton of strikeouts. Prediction: 6th Place.

Pittsburgh Pirates

I can’t help but root for these guys. They are always in the cellar of the division; the Pirates couldn’t find any land since the biggest duechebag in sports, Barry Bonds, left the team for San Francisco. Damn cool stadium too by the way, want to take a road trip anyone? For one, I think the scourges of the sea are finally on their way up. It’s too bad the teams in front of them are pretty stacked. The Pirates do have one of the best players in the majors though, “Canadian Crusher,” Jason Bay. The pitchers are young but the amount of talent there is ready to explode like a MAN’S orgasm: CUM. They’ve got potential but I can’t see them higher than 3rd place. Prediction: 5th Place.

Chicago Cubs

You think Steve Bartman has to resort to hookers nowadays? Anyways, the Cubs always seem to be able to contend, IF the team can stay healthy. That’s a fucking big, humungous IF. They should re-name the DL the Prior/Wood List. They shit in the Mets general direction because they have the better Zambrano though. Prediction: 4th Place.

Milwaukee Brewers of Beer

I can’t say enough good things about this team this year. If I had to pick a surprise team this year in a good way, it would be them. Prince “of Persia” Fielder, Rickie Weeks, Carlos Lee, Doug Davis, Derrick Turnbow are a solid cream of the crop. They need Ben Sheets’ health to improve because he wants to do one of those strong-man hammer contests at the local town fair. Prediction: 3rd Place, but above .500 for the first time in a while.

St. Louis Cardinals

Albert Pujols is a sick human being. We might be witnessing the best baseball player in its history thus far, I kid you not. Fuck Bonds, Pujols if healthy will be the home run king by the end of his career without any juice. Only juice Pujols drinks before the game is ORANGE with NO PULP BARRY. If Scott Rolen gets hurt, they will just call up Shaggy from Triple A. Yes, the guy who sang, “Boombastic,” and “It Wasn’t Me.” Just picture Shaggy, making an error and the stadium speaker blaring that to which Shaggy would suggest “It wasn’t him.” Prediction: 2nd Place.

Houston Astros

The ‘STROS. I don’t think there’s a more classic jersey in all of sports then the 70’s/80’s classic Astros one with the multi Technicolor stripes. This stadium always looks nuts on TV too, like a launching pad. Big question about them is whether or not Clemens returns. I believe he does, but not until around the All Star Break. He will be the piece the ‘Stros need in order to keep some distance from Pujols and Co. Prediction: 1st Place.

NL WEST

Colorado Rockies

“I thought the Rocky Mountains were gonna be a little rockier than this” – Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber. That’s how I feel about this team. A pitcher’s hell, as the ball shoots through the thin mile high air like fireworks on the fourth of July. Todd Helton and future RBI champ Matt “Holla” Holliday make a solid 1-2 punch. Watch out for Aaron Cook this year on their staff, he’s one of the few pitchers on the team to watch. Closer Brian Fuentes holds his own too. Prediction: 5th Place.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Now here’s a team I really fucking hate. They just seem so…BLAH. Brandon Webb makes like Spiderman though and becomes a successful photographer. The upside of them is they have some quality prospects like Conor Jackson who’s starting this year, and Stephen Drew, SS, who will wait in the minors until Craig Counsell fires a potato gun at himself. I do want to go in the pool and watch the games though while it happens, that must be sweet. Prediction: 4th Place.

San Diego Padres/Fathers

This park is more spacious than my asshole when I went on a diet. Chris Young, who is 6’ 10” or some tall beast number like that, moves from Texas’ launching pad to Petco’s roomy field. He held his own in his rookie year last year in Texas, which is no small feat, therefore I like him as a breakout candidate this year in a better park for him. Peavy is a Cy Young contender, and also the new host of the Daily Show. A candidate for Rookie of the Year is Josh Barfield at 2B. A real SLAPSTICK hitter he is. Prediction: 3rd Place.

San Francisco Giants

To me, Bonds is a racist in the opposite point of view, and a liar, so fuck him. He wants to play to beat Ruth’s record (because he is white), and after that, he wants to leave Aaron’s record alone. I really really hope that he doesn’t break Ruth’s record. Bonds’ presence however will help everyone else in the lineup out, like Alou, Pedro Feliz, to name a few. Jason Schmidt and promising young pitchers Matt Cain and Noah Lowry have a nice park to use their pitching muscles in, and should do pretty fine. Prediction: 2nd Place.

LA Dodgers

The Dodgers are like an episode of Full House with D.J. a.k.a. Donna Joe Drew. I wonder what the J.D. really stands for anyway. I like this team to contend this year, and I think Grady Little will be a real good fit with them. Lowe looks good thus far this spring, and they have a solid infield. Gagne is a mallrat but if he can return to his forum 2 years ago they will have something to say come playoff time. Prediction: 1st Place.

AL East

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

The team that still hasn’t dragged itself out of the gutter since they started. This could be their year for a 4th place finish though. Their lineup isn’t bad at all, a lot of speed and some power too. They have really good prospects like B.J. Upton and Delmon Young. If only they could get some consistent pitching besides Scott Kazmir, and even he seems like he’s thinking about Duck Tales and whether or not Flinthart Glongold is going to take the “Richest duck in Duckberg” title from Uncle Scrooge half the time. They will really need their lineup to step up when their pitchers get shelled by the other powerful sicko lineups that are in their division. Prediction: 5th Place.

Baltimore Orioles

Ever since Bartman, Jeffrey Mayer has had some competition for the ladies at Star Wars Conventions. Even then so, Leo Mazzone is the key add for this team and he’s not even a player. He is a supposed genius like the guy that managed the Beverly Brothers in the WWF. Hopefully he can do more for the O’s pitching staff than the other genius did for the Brothers Beverly. Prediction: 4th Place.

Boston Red Socks

I’m a bit biased because I hate these “Cowboy Up” homosexuals that love “Queer Eye for the Straight Red Sox player that will turn bi-sexual and maybe into a homosexual.” Schilling is the second biggest duechebag in baseball only to Bonds. They will have some stiff competition for their 2nd place crown this year as much of the other clubs have improved. Prediction: 2rd Place.

Toronto Blue Jays

If only they would go back to these old school early 90’s style uniforms then they would be much cooler. Ever watch a game against the Blue Jays in Toronto on TV? You can hear a pin drop it is so bad. Come to think of it, a Blue Jays pair of zubaz pants would be pretty ROCKIN. We’re going to have to make a pair. Any takers? Lyle Overbay would be proud. Prediction: 3nd Place.

The Evil Empire/NY Yankees

Go ahead Yankee haters, say all the bad things you want about the Yankees and how they buy their players blah, blah, blah. It’s not like half the other teams don’t do the same shit, including your homeboys the Mets. I take pride in growing up a Yankee fan and the tradition is just stewed to a perfection. All I have to say is watch out. Back end of the rotation could use some Arizona Green Tea 99 cent cans, but other than that the team is as solid as ever. Prediction: 1st place.

There you have it. We’ll throw out some more wacky predictions for this season below. Ch-Ch-Check it out.

World Series: Yanks over Dodgers
AL Cy Young: Rich Harden
NL Cy Young: Roy Oswalt (I was going to say Aaron Harang but then you’d just laugh at me.)
AL Rookie of the Year: Bernie Williams. JK! I’ll go with either Johjima/C/Mariners, or Casey Kotchman/1b/Ana.
NL Rookie of the Year: Jeremy Hermida/OF/Fla, Josh Willingham/C/Fla, Adam Sandler/Spanglish.
AL MVP: Besides Christopher Lloyd for giving Tony Danza power again, I will say another Angel, Vlad Guerrero.
NL MVP: Pujols would be the easy pick, as a sleeper pick I will go with Ryan Howard.

Questions or comments? E-mail Mike at yeahyeahyeaaah@yahoo.com