Hold on a second my loyal fans, while I pause for a moment to reflect on what I am about to write, go ahead and take a bong hit or two, it’ll make this experience like a Jimi Hendrix one to say the least.

OK! Glad to have you back in time like Huey Lewis and the News, because were about to get started on quite a magical tale of the animal kingdom. Ah, yes, and quite the kingdom it is, with a melting pot of sorts, such different types of animals that even I, the great MU himself couldn’t cover all in one measly little article. If this was in the 1800’s, I’d have to write about it with a feather and ink, tell me how much THAT would suck. Then again, it wouldn’t suck if you were one of those nerdy assholes back in grade school that burned the edges of your “Wild West” project to make it look old. FUCK YOU IF YOU DID THAT SHIT YOUR PARENTS SHOULDN’T HAVE EVEN LET YOU PLAY WITH A LIGHTER, AND IF THEY DID THEY WERE PROBABLY SMOKING THE SWEET HERB OF MARIJUANA.

So, here’s the top 10 animals that I’d like to show you now that you’re all good and messed up like Tom Arnold because HE MARRIED ROSEANNE, HOW FUCKING NASTY IS THAT. What went through his head when he did that, I really want to know. Not only is Roseanne quite large, but she doesn’t make up for it with her personality let me tell you fuckers. And that whiny voice that could break a virgin’s hymen, DAMN.

Hey here is animal species # 10, and although it could be Roseanne, it’s not:

As fast as fast can be, you’ll never catch me!

That’s right! It’s the jackalope and the voice of the Jackalope, Dave Coulier, both stars of Americas Funniest PEOPLE. America’s Funniest Home Video’s starred Coulier’s boy in butt-crimes, Bobby Saget. Well if you remember, on every show, Dave “the Douchebag” Coulier would throw in a segment where there was an animal called a jackalope, and he would get into some wild and nutty antics. Coulier not only said this crazy creature loved “wood,” but he also talked EXACTLY in the same voice as he did on “Full House” when he was a ventriloquist to a stupid stuffed woodchuck. SAME EXACT FUCKING THING, what a fucking toolbox. First he rips off Danny Tanner, then his own homosexual creation. No wonder the thing was always after “WOOD?!?!??!.” Anyways, these animals are pretty fucked up, I didn’t even know they really existed before I wrote this article, but they look like a rabbit and a moose had been bumping their uglies against one another.

# 9: The fucking Salamander

He’s just a common salamander…

I knew salamanders could change colors, but pretending to be a wrestler? This little beauty obviously was in love with former wrestler, 400+ pound “American Dream” Dusty Rhodes.

Amer-iiiiiiicaannnnnn…..Dreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaam

Could it be the other way around? Dusty Rhodes sees a salamander and proceeds to think, “HEY! SON OF A GUN, I COULD DRESS UP LOOKING LIKE THIS HERE.”

# 8: The Masturbating Koala

WHATEVER YOU GUYS DO…DON’T COME BEHIND THE TREE, BECAUSE I JUST DID.

Koalas are the shit. They look like their always fucked up. Hey maybe that eucalyptus shit they eat all the time gets you high, I FUCKING BET IT DOES DUDES. SERIOUSLY. Then once their high, and bored from climbing fucking trees all day, they got to rub one out because getting high makes them horny. So they’re all like “Ohh shit, yeah rub my fur and shit, yeah fuck yeah baby.” The female koalas have to give them some more lovin so they don’t have to go behind trees and look up other koala’s asses.

# 7: Hippopotamus

Who’s better than a hippopotamus???

In history books, it is found out that hippopotamus’s started the hippie revolution in the 60’s and 70’s, and that’s where they got their name from. Hippos did drugs, mad fucking drugs, and they were really against war too. They didn’t want their swamps to get invaded or anything. The hippos from Vietnam might have taken over their shit, who knows. I hear they have super hippos out there check it out.

That’s the king on the left, KING HIPPO. You can tell by the purple nips he’s got goin'.

# 6 A Mantis that likes to go to Church:

Please oh please let the Jets win the super bowl this year.

Who makes up the names to animals? That must be a pretty sweet job. “Hey see that animal right there? I’m going to call him… a Fig Newton, or how about, a praying MANTIS.” Not just a mantis…a praying mantis mind you. I don’t think it’s praying though, I find that VERY hard to believe. Fucking bug doesn’t even know what TIME is, or what the SUN is, and your going to tell me it prays.

# 5: A is for… Aardvark

I look like a penis!

Something is fucked up with aardvarks. Why the double A at the beginning of the word. What genius made that up? You could say Aardvarks with one A motherfucker, get that other A OUT OF THERE MAN. Plus, doesn’t that sound like the name for dildo. “Let’s get Jennie ‘the Aardvark’ for valentines day! She’ll get a kick out of it because she gets no dick!”

# 4: 8 times the goodness

A whole new meaning to the word: Blue balls.

An Octopus. Eight of something that Mu loves. This thing scours the ocean, the same ocean that you swim in! Can you imagine if you were scuba diving or some wacky shit like that and an octopus attached itself to you? Fucked up right? I’d be like Me-Human, You-Calamari.

# 3: Stronger than iron

Blahhhhblabber blah I’m the Animal!

George “the Animal” Steele was his name, and eating foam stuffing was his game. The shit turned his tongue green; he was a sick son of a bitch. He also said less words then a newborn baby. Grunting was more his style. Also, the guy was balder than writer Ian Valentine on a hot summer’s day, but his back was lets just say…sloth-like. Sloth-like ladies and gentlemen, sloth-like.

grumble grumble eat turnbuckle growl

# 2: Howard was one of these

“If you want evidence that God smoked pot, just take a look at the duck-billed platypus” – Robin Williams

Robbie is right, and does this have any relation to the Octopus? That’s a lot of puss boys and girls. There was a gentleman I went to school with at SUNY Oneonta that looked like a platypus and my ex-girlfriend would actually call this guy “platty” and he had no clue. I wonder what good ol’ platty is up to these days.

# 1: Nature’s retards

…………………………….

The Orangutans are nature’s retards. Before you go getting all judgmental and shit, I have nothing against the mentally challenged. But it is necessary to call the dopey looking Orangutan’s retards because they look like they took that extra chromosome and swallowed that mothafucka down. The picture above actually looks like one of the girls that sat at the “retard table” in first grade during my lunch time. No joke, classic expression just like the orangutan. What are they anyway? What makes them different from monkeys, apes, and gorillas? I’ll tell you. I hear Ian Valentine makes fun of orangutans that he works with in supermarkets (check Ian Valentine’s archive entitled “Why I’m going to hell”). You know why you never hear about Orangutan’s? Because they are retarded, literally.

And … I’m spent. Hopefully you are still messed up and you can go outside or something or watch some nature shows on the discovery channel now. In the words of one of my friends who shall remain nameless “I’m off like a prom dress.”

Email Mu for a good time at Yeahyeahyeaaah@yahoo.com Also look for zubazpants.com now on myspace & facebook. BYE.