Setting: Sometime in high school, I’m not really sure what year it was, but I was a young naïve boy at the time. I worked at a video store in my hometown for most of my high school career, and am quite fond of that experience when I look back at it. It turned out a kid from Somers, NY, around my age, began to work there about a year after I started. We became pretty good friends and he invited me to go to a party in his neighboring town and to stay over his house after. I figured I’d be as cool as Haywood Jeffries, of Houston Oilers fame once I hit up that party so I boo-bamed it up.

So I head on down to my friend Chris’ house and he’s there with his girlfriend and one of her friends who was actually defined as “cute” in my book. “Cute” ranks just below “Hot,” and “Gorgeous,” in case anyone was wondering. I’ll be ranking the females in this story so it will be easy for even someone who eats ramen noodles five times a day can understand it.

The four of us head on down to this girls house who was hosting the party. She seemed like a chill chika, but she also caused a 6.2 on the Richter Scale. But this story doesn’t really involve her, so to her I said, “See YA, wouldn’t wanna BE YA!,” which is a classic early 90’s term that was always cool to have in your vocabulary. In the fucking meantime, “Cute” girl and I seemed to hit it off fairly well, complimenting each other, and flirting like there was no tomorrow. But, I started to get wasted. And that’s where the story goes downhill.

I kept on drinking from this beer placed in some metal object called a “keg.” I pumped beer out, and into my cup! How genius, I LOVE KEG! And Keg loved me. Beer is what I downed, one after the other, like it was 99 cent Arizona Green Tea in a can. My friend Chris asked me, “Mike, do you want to smoke a bowl?” To which I replied enthusiastically, “Hell mothafuckin yes.” Further downhill I go like the Jamaican bobsled team WHEN THEY PRACTICED IN THE SUMMER HEAT AND CRASHED INTO THAT COP CAR WHOAHAHA! That John Candy played crazy games.

Whilst getting even more inebriated, I met girl # 2, who I will label as “hot.” This is the girl I had my eyes set on for the rest of the night, but I acted like a clown, hence clown-time hookups. I shot the shit with “hot girl” for quite some time, and it was looking more and more like I was going to have a shot with her. Too bad I fucked it up. See, I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet, I was a poor, poor sap. But I took care of that and then some on this fateful night. I went back and forth between “hot” and “cute” girl. I had my arm around “cute girl” at some point during the night as we smoked for the umpteenth time on the driveway just chillin’.

I got up to get more beer, which always seems like a good idea at the time, where I ran into Chris and his girlfriend. He said they were gonna “take a break” from the party and go somewhere, which meant they were going to hook up. I thought nothing of it as I grabbed another heaping cup full of carbonated freshness, and another girl came up to me as I was doing so. We will call this girl # 3, “Not nearly as cute,” and more along the lines of “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing.”

“Less than average girl” asked me if I wanted to check out the stars or some bullshit like that, and I thought in my head (I should PROBABLY get back to hot girl or even cute girl who I seemed to have more in common with anyway). Me being the avid astronomer and star gazer said sure why not, I love looking at the sky. It also didn’t help I was more baked then Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies at the time. So we go sit down somewhere and chill and look at the stars for a second and she goes in for the fucking kill. She fucking almost swallowed my face dude. I was like what the fuck are you doing. I didn’t stop it though I was like … umm yeah I guess this is cool, I wish I could see through my slanteriffic eyes to see if she was better looking than the others.

Whatever, we made out and all that shit and she suggested we take a walk. Man! I did not know what I was getting into.

So, Less than Jake and I … I mean “Less than Average girl” and I walked and made out some more until we got to her car. She proceeded to say that she’d do favors for me if I would do them to her. I proceeded, and it being my first time, I followed some instructions Zubaz member Jimbuktu Byrne had in some discreet novel or journal of his. It was the only thing I could think of at the time besides typewriters, and it involved writing the letters of the alphabet with my tongue. I found out weeks later, that she very much enjoyed herself, to which I was surprised as that was my first time doing so. So she did her deed as well, and even asked me if I had a condom because she wanted to fuck. Nervous little man that I was I said no ma’am, you slut, me virgin. So we decided against the sex, which I’m actually glad didn’t happen with that bitch anyway.

So long story short, I got “slobbered” on about an hour after my first kiss, so a fairly eventful night for yours truly to say the least. The next day Jim and Nick Rude couldn’t believe what I had done. Nick was still waiting to have his oral performances from some girl and needless to say he was none too pleased that I “beat him” in that race. Whatever. I wish it was with either of the other two girls though, both of which I found out also at a later date wanted to hook up with me that night. The “cute one” actually was pissed at the “not so cute” girl for hooking up with me…ARGFH!! Then I screamed, because I was so damn frustrated and pissed I missed out on them ha-ha. Oh well. I hear the hot one has a baby now, and the cute one got engaged, so I guess all’s well that ends well. I’m happy I’m still chillin like Raul Julia in the Street Fighter movie.

I hope you enjoyed my story of unfortunate events, but my name isn’t Lemony Snickets, It’s MU. Check out my other stories in the archives, and don’t hesitate to send me some feedback, even if its telling me that you were more of a “Cammy” or “Chun-Li” fan. Yeahyeahyeaaah@yahoo.com