Without further ado, let’s do it up, from numero 50, the least weird state, down to No. 1 most weird, brought to you by guys like Axe from Demolition, and Doink (and Dink) the Clowns. Just picture all your favorite classic wrestlers from back in the day in one big school bus traveling cross-country, and living to tell about it.
Paul Feuer eat your heart out.
50. California
Ludvig Borga: I, Ludvig Borga, is gonna tell you Americans what's really going on here. This filth! You call this the land of milk and honey? Well, down here, it stinks funny! Cali-fornia, it is not weird, AT ALL. It might be FILTH, but normal state. The Arnold runs it, and he is European like ME!
49. Florida
Earthquake: FROM THE TOP OF THE HIGHEST POINT IN FLORIDA, DOWN TO THE BOTTOM, YOU’LL FEEL THE TREMORS START TO SHAKE YOU, THEN DROP YOU DOWN TO ONE KNEE, AND BEFORE YOU CAN GET UP, THE MIGHTY EARTHQUAKE WILL DROP A BIG SPLASH ON FLORIDA, BECAUSE ITS NORMAL, NOT WEIRD, BUT THE HURRICANES THEY GET, WILL BE IN PART DUE TO MY BIG SPLASH AND THE REF WILL BE COUNTING 1-2-3 ON FLORIDA.
48. New Jersey
Repo Man: Virgil, Duggan, Boss Man, Slaughter, THIS IS GONNA BE THE BIGGEST REPOSSESSION OF ANY CROSS COUNTRY TRIP. New Jersey wasn’t that crazy, but I did a lot of repossessing thru the weird shaped coast and Atlantic City where I stole Randy Savage’s Macho Hat, because what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine to.”
47. Pennsylvania
Doink: Long trip thru Pennsylvania, and I popped a few balloons in children’s faces to see if they would CRY. BOO-HOO-HOO. Pennsylvania did not have many tricks up it’s sleeve, unlike myself, who is always popping up when you least expect it! He-he-he-he-hoo-hoo.
46. Connecticut
Akeem: I found my roots in the deepest, darkest, parts of Connecticut, as Reverend Slick takes me on a magical journey to become the first African American champion. Now...let me dance.
45. New York
Savage: Ohhhhhh Yeah. The best city in the world yeah. Many superstars come to this state, but none possess the flair that the Macho Man has, yeah. I don’t care about Long Island though, no I don’t care, I don’t even care. I love the rest of the state of New York OHH YEAH. The only place better than this is the mighty Sat-urn yeah… DIG IT.
44. Massachusetts
Ultimate Warrior: All of the Warrior Nation supports and believes that I will travel through great lengths and over furious obstacles to decide that the state of Massachusetts is of great oddity.
43. Colorado
Beverly Brothers & The Genius: The state of Colorado is square in shape. Not very odd, with not too many apes. Now it’s time for skiing and the Genius has the key, behold the future champions, the Brothers Bever-ly!
42. Texas
Double J: The state of Texas is not as strange as the great state of Tennessee. That’s t-e-double n-e-double S-double-E. With ol’ Double J. ‘Aint Texas Great?
41. Rhode Island
El Matador Tito Santana: OLE!
40. Maryland
Virgil: Nailz, I saw what you did to my favorite state of Maryland. You handcuffed it behind it’s back, and you beat it like a dog, man. Well I survived the toughest streets around the world, but the toughest street I’ll ever survive is right here in college park. Because…YA GOT TO WANT IT MAN!
39. North Carolina
Demolition: Axe and Smash are gonna demoralize and demolish the northern Carolina until it bleeds from the skull. We challenge North and South Carolina to a tag team match.
38. Washington
Honky Tonk Man: The greatest intercontinental champion ever is gonna shake, rattle, and roll all over the coast of Washington and to the top of the space needle.
37. Ohio
Sid Justice: Ohio is BOGUS! It’s the most BOGUS state you’ve ever seen. But I’ll show everyone that I’m the master, and the ruler, of the world. Hahahahah!
36. Virginia
Mr. Perfect: Virginia is what I say it is…it’s Perfect…like me.
35. Indiana
Jake “The Snake” Roberts: There’s a lot of corn in this state, and a lot of coke too. Trust me.
34. Georgia
Big Boss Man: If you ever take a trip down to Cobb County. Read the signs, respect the law and order, or you’ll serve nothing BUT HARD TIME.
33. South Carolina
Andre: unghhh toana South Carolina wieeerd.
Dibiase: Everyone in South Carolina has a price, for the million dollar man. HAHAHA. Feast your eyes on this state McMahon.
32. Kansas
Slick: It’s a dog eat dog world in Kansas, and when you gotta go…HEHE…YOU GOTTA GO.
31. Arizona
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: I’m lacin up my boots and I’m thinking, boy the drive through Arizona’s gonna be awful tough, but then my blood starts pumping, the fans start chanting, “U-S-A, U-S-A.” It takes a lot to admit what a weird state Arizona is, TOUGH GUY! HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
30. Illinois
Animal: WE GREW UP IN THESE STREETS IN THESE ALLEYS. WE’LL TAKE ON ANYONE, TELL EM HAWK…
Hawk: WELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! WHEN ME AND ANIMAL ARE GOOD, WE’RE VERY GOOD, BUT WHEN WE’RE BAD, WERE VERY BAD ...UHHHHHH WHAT A RUSH!
29. Minnesota
Warlord: No state has ever escaped my full nelson, and you Minnesota, will be no exception to that RULE. HAHA.
28. Vermont
Razor Ramon: Something happen to Vermont chico, Something happen to you.
27. Nebraska
Ted Dibiase: You and all corners of Nebraska WILL BE BOUGHT!
26. Alabama
IRS: It’s that time of year again, where all you Alabamian Tax Cheats must pay up, or the IRS will come beat it out of you.
25. Oklahoma
Skinner: I’m just like a mean old bull gator. He lays there in the water, with just his eyes above the surface, looking like a dirty log. But when some critter he likes to eat comes close enough to eat him, he makes his move real fast, opens up those jaws – and goodbye critter. That’s just like Skinner.
24. Utah
The Rockers: Utah is the hottest thing going, and ain’t nothing gonna stop that or the Rockers from climbing the tag team ladder.
23. New Hampshire
Rowdy Roddy Piper: Oh, I remember when you’s was an itty bitty boy and your momma used to make us some pancakes, ohh boy they were some good pancakes, but ya know, I wish you’d put that fire out you have in them there fireplaces up there in the north country.
22. Wyoming
Hart Foundation: You say you wanna go to Wyoming, you say you wanna drive to Wyoming….you say you wanna FLY to Wyoming. WELL TO FLY TO WYOMING YOU GOTTA GROW SOME WINGS, AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE NASTY BOYS. YOU’RE BIRDS. AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO FLY IF YOU THINK YOUR GONNA TAKE THE TITLES AWAY FROM THE TAG CHAMPS…TELL ‘EM HITMAN.
21. North Dakota
Kamala: Goombala, Uganda! Dakoka!
20. Missouri
Hercules: Beware the power of Hercules! And beware the glory of Missouri because it looks like a Rhombus.
19. Hawaii
Rick “The Model” Martel: I cannot comment, I am too busy shopping. I have class, you know. The people here smell like brutes and they wash themselves with skunks and pineapples. You have to have class like a model, and smell as good as my FRAGRANCE mmhaha. Examine my handsome face, my pearly smile. I was born to wear the most elegant clothes possible.
18. Delaware
Hitman: The excellence of Delaware is on top. It’s small, but it’s the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. I’ve got all the other states in my sights.
17. Oregon
Bastion Booger: Bastion eat Oregon, cause it rhymes with Luna Vachon. WAKE UP AND PINCH MY NIPPLES THRU THIS GREY OCTOPUS SUIT. LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE SLEEPING I SHOULD TELL THEM THE HUMP IN THE BACK OF MY NECK HURTS OH BUT CHICKEN PIZZA I’LL EAT ANYTHING.
16. New Mexico
Ravishing Rick Rude: What I’d like to have right now…is a rude awakening for the entire state of New Mexico, and that INCLUDES you Albequerque. HIT MY MUSIC!
15. Louisiana
Hogan: Let me tell ya something Mean Gene. Lousiana, and all the little Louisiana-acs, ate their vitamins, said their prayers, and for sure brother, they drank their milk. I’m gonna ride the bayou brother, steer down the ol’ Mississippi River using just my 24-inch pythons. Because whatcha gonna do Louisiana, when the LOUSIANA-ACS, AND MY HULKAMANIACS RUN WILD ON YOUUUUUBLBLBLBLBLRBB.
14. Wisconsin
Texas Tornado: Before you know what hit you, you’ll be laying on the mat, pinned 1-2-3 because a tornado just ran you over. A storm is brewing Wisconsin. I have a glass eye.
13. Iowa
Beserker: HUSS! HUSS! HUSS! HUSS? IOWHUSS!
12. Montana
Nailz: BOSS MAN! I’VE SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH; I DON’T WANT TO BE IN THIS STATE OF MONTANA PENENETENTERY ANY LONGER. I WILL MAKE YOU PAY BOSS MAN!
11. Tennessee
Giant Gonzalez: AHH THE UNDATAKA RAAAH. ARGHHH THE UNDERTAKAH. BRING ME THE UNDER TAKER.
10. Nevada
Bushwackers: OYYYYY MATE, LUKE HERE. WE’RE OUT BLIMEYIN IN THE DESERT WIT OUR BLOKE JAMESON, AHHEY AHHEY, AINT THAT RIGHT COUSIN BUTCH?!
9. Mississippi
Tugboat: TOOT TOOT! The tugboat is roarin down the Mississippi river just waiting to start trouble on shore.
8. Michigan
Kona Crush: I like how the Michigan, is split into different places, because of the lakes, ah shakka brah. Now I will crush Doink’s head like a melon.
7. Kentucky
Papa Shango: I will control all who oppose me. I will show Kentucky and their thong-clad women the power of my dark magic.
6. Maine
The Mountie: Maine is so close to Canada, I can continue being a Mountie here, because I’m BIG and I’m BRAVE, and I’m THE LAW, AND I ALWAYS GET MY MANNN.
5. Alaska
Jimmy Snuka: Spatula, thank you WWF. Snuka splash from high above the cage. Super super super fly.
4. South Dakota
The Nasty Boys: Look at the faces on mount Skidmore ahhhhh-hahahaha. It looks like an oil slick…on the Mississippi. Ahhhhahahah. SOUTH DAKOTA, GET READY TO GET NASTYSIZED .
3. West Virginia
Koko B. Ware: C’mon Frankie, let’s go do the wild thing cause we got some highhhhhhhhh energy!
2. Idaho
British Bulldogs: Idaho is gonna win the rumble, because Idaho’s BIZAAAH. IN BRITAIN, WE AREN’T FORTUNATE enough to eat potatoes. But Noew, being in Idaho, one of the great states of America, we can dine, on the many things potatoes can give us.
1. “Noah’s” Ark-ansas
Sgt. Slaughter: Atten HUT! All you maggots and hillbilly scum. Fly the flag high, fly it proud and defend it with your life. I’m gonna make the streets safe, and wipe you into the gutter.
So it came down to Arkansas as the weirdest state brought to you by the good ol’ sarge himself. You know, Arkansas is a little weird, it’s just right out there in the middle of nowhere, and no one ever even thinks about it. No one says “YEAH! ARKANSAS SPRING BREAK 2K1!@” I think I should win a slammy for this don’t you?
If your BOGUS like Jack Tunney, send Mike comments at YeahYeahYeaaah@yahoo.com
