Have you ever wanted to hold a tournament to declare the hottest cartoon chicks this side of the Hudson river? That’s East of the Hudson to all you Buffalonians. Well, I went ahead and did it. See how well your favorite cartoon hottie faired.

In the midst of the Republican Convention of the year Two Thousand and Four, I could not help but think, “it would be cool to host a tournament of champions if you will, a mecca of the sexiest cartoon characters all pining for the title of Miss Yorktoon in a 16-toon playoff battle!”

Make no mistake about it, this isn’t your father’s Super Bowl playoffs. This “Queen of the Small Screen,” brings together some of the hottest faces we grew up with as a tike. How many of you have ever watched a cartoon and thought quietly to yourself, “Wow, that lady version of a cartoon is really, really… hot! I would bang the shit out of her, if she were real of course.”

Well my friends, your wet dreams have become a reality. Wait just a second…wet dreams…hmmmmm…now there’s a random topic that you were always taught about in health class…if you were a guy. You know what, I think that is all a load of bullshit. I have never woke up in the morning and been like, “aww shit my sheets are soaking wet, better go put ‘em in the wash before mama gets up.” No. That shit didn’t happen to me, or anyone else that I know, ever. I just want to know what all the “great white hype” was about. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have dreams about sex with women, some of them being cartoons (hey, like this article!), I just don’t wake up in a fucking puddle that’s all.

Anything wrong with that?

Now, there were a lot of hot female cartoons to choose from but I somehow managed to narrow the playing field down to 16 lovely ladies. Much to my chagrin (a word I would have never learned if it weren’t for the WWF) I had to eliminate some characters based on the fact that if I were to have sexual intercourse with them, I would inadvertently become a pedophile along with some of you. I’ll apologize to Paul “I’m gonna be Saba Simba this Halloween” Feuer, and Nick “Number Munchers” Camia ahead of time for this one.

Without further Abu…I mean ado, (we’ll get to the Aladdin references later don’t you worry) here is the play-in game and then the seeding of the tournament.

Qualifying Play-in Match:
Stone Age Cage Match
Betty Rubble vs. Sharlene Sinclair of the hit show “Dinosaurs”

Winner: Betty Rubble 85% over Sharlene 15%

First Round

(#1) Ariel from “The Little Mermaid”
(#16) Mario and Luigi dressed as women

(#8) Penny from “Inspector Gadget”
(#9) Velma from “Scooby Doo”

(#5) Gadget from “Chip & Dale’s Rescue Rangers”
(#12) Patty Mayonnaise from “Doug”

(#4) Cheetara from “Thundercats”
(#13) Smurfette from “Smurfs”

(#6) Brittany from “The Chipettes”
(#11) Jubilee from “X-Men”

(#3) Sailor Moon
(#14) Janine from “Ghostbusters”

(#7) Jean Grey from X-Men
(#10) Rogue from X-Men

(#2) Jasmine
(#15) Betty Rubble

VS.
Every little boy’s dream. A mermaid that was smoking hot, and wore a bikini all the time. What more can a recently puberty stricken boy ask for?	It’s the Super Mario Bros. Super Show! Yes that is Capt. Lou Albano in drag. I just put this picture here to prevent anyone from taking a “time out with Ariel.” I personally have never seen anything so hideous in my life.

Winner: Ariel (98%) vs. Mario Bros in Drag (2%)

VS.

Penny, who is Inspector Gadget’s niece, is ZubazPants.com’s own JJ Guaragno’s personal fantasy. Two words. Pig. Tails. Plus, she was smart and always saving her stupid ass uncle Matthew Broderick, AKA the Worst actor not named Brendan Fraser.

First off, just picture yourself having your way with her and screaming out her name. Velma. Oh yeah, Velma give it to me! Secondly, she is hot, but in actuality, she never got much play. Tight sweaters, short skirts and knee-high socks are always a lethal combination. If you were on the Scooby Team or whatever the fuck they were called, would you not have intellectual and sexual intercourse with Velma?

Winner: Penny 61%, Velma 39%

VS.
Gadget was a personal favorite of mine and one of the only reasons I watched “Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers.” Take a hold of those ears and … okay, I’ll stop. There is nothing not to like about Gadget. Except the fact that she’s a mouse, but you know, why doesn’t she look like Minnie Mouse if they’re both mice?	Patti Mayonnaise sported the short hair for much of her existence, and she definitely wasn’t sporting anything close to torpedoes. Patti should have just been the Bluffington slut and have animal lust with Doug, Skeeter, and white-trash Roger (especially when Roger was a dinosaur in those retarded Quail-Man gimmicks). That would have made Doug a lot more interesting.

Winner: Gadget 83%, Patti 17%

VS.
Cheetara. Ever had sex with a woman with face paint? I didn’t think so. Fans of Thundercats know this half-woman, half-animal like no other. Look at her in that picture. She wants it from the backside.	She’s blue, she’s a blonde, and she’s a smurf. So basically unless you had like 200 Smurfettes on your piece, it really wouldn’t do much.

Winner Cheetara 69%, Smurfette 31%

VS.
Only reason I ever liked “Alvin” was because he got the hottie of the “Chipette’s,” AKA Brittany. She had a lot of spunk, which is always good. Brittany is the kind of girl who’d take control and show you who’s the boss.	Better watch out she’ll light a firecracker up your ass when you least expect it. Jubilee had that punk look going for her which worked out.

Winner: Jubilee edges Brittany 51% to 49%

VS.
Now I hate to go “Anime” on all of you because I don’t even like that shit, but Sailor Moon is definitely an exception to that rule. She is like the Christina Aguilera of the Anime world.	J-9 was the voice of the Ghostbusters, wore the sexy glasses from the 1950’s and was a part of the B-52’s. Too bad she was googly-eyed for Egon.

Winner: Sailor Moon 55%, Janine 45%

VS.
In a battle of X-Women, Jean Grey, who was buddy-buddy with Cyclops, was radiant and you know what else, she could mind-fuck you. Yeah that’s what I thought.	Rogue could kill you just by touching you but wouldn’t it be worth it?? Her streak of white hair makes her even more intriguing and she has a nice caboose to boot.

Winner: Jean Grey - 60%, Rogue – 40%

VS.
Jasmine is HOT. What can’t you say about Jasmine. She’s a princess first of all which ALWAYS is a plus. Imagine saying you did it on a flying carpet. That’s something to brag about.	What is that? Betty Rubble doesn’t want any piece of the action. Back away slowly.

Winner: Jasmine 100%, Betty 0%

Who will be the big winner tonight as we head into round two?

Tell ‘em Hawk..

“WELL!!!!!”

VS.
Oh I forgot to mention, Ariel is a redhead. I wonder if the carpet matches the curtains? Hmm??	Is there grass on the field? I don’t know but someone should find out. I think she’s been using Dr. Claw’s claw for something.

Winner, Ariel 66%, Penny 34%

VS.
She’s hot but she has an overbite, see. That could hurt while she is performing fellatio. But some people like their dicks made into chew toys so I’ve heard.	Cheetara says look at my ass. It is nice and furry.

Winner: Gadget 53%, Cheetara 47%

VS.
Jubilee wants her own MTV reality show. Jubilee Simpson. She’s not as hot as Jessica. She’s not as hot as Laura Winslow of Family Matters.	Sailor kind of reminds me of Rhonda Shear, that she’s “Up All Night.” And I would like to be up all night with her yesiree.

Winner: Sailor Moon 73%, Jubilee 27%

VS.
What would Jean call her feel good zone? The X-Spot? Long Red hair = Niiiice. She’s giving you “the look” as well.	She’s got a guy but he’s a street rat, which makes me think I have a chance with her too!

Winner: Jean Grey – 57%, Jasmine 43% in the biggest upset since the Nasty Boys won the tag team titles from the Hart Foundation.

This just in…a catfight has broken out and one of the remaining contenders is knocked unconscious (Don’t get any ideas Paul Feuer). It seems that during the fight both ladies happened to kiss and expose themselves, which is what happens in every catfight doesn’t it? It just so happens that Ariel, AKA the little mermaid will not be able to continue as she was beat up by the girl who will replace her……

VS.
Oh my, it’s Jessica Rabbit. Is it just me or does she not look like a rabbit at all. Whatever though, I’d have her every which way. I bet she’d even be up for some anal sexuality.	Gadget still hangin’ in there going with the “Jenna Amato” look. Ask one Brian Wagner if you don’t know who that is. Well Gadget went on HotorNot.com to see how hot other mice thought she was. Was she as hot as Jessica?

Winner: Jessica Rabbit 73%, Gadget 27%

VS.
I would do anything for JEAN. But I won’t do that. My word she is wearing a body thong. AND she looks possessed. COOL!	Sailor Moon seems to think doing the “Shaka-Brah” hand signal (that Kona Crush used to pull off) is hot, but will it work to get her in the finals?

Winner: Jean 51%, Sailor 49% in another upset, except this one sets up an all redhead final. I haven’t seen this much red since Christmas M&M’s were invented.

VS.
Jessica lookin’ kinda pale today. If you were that fire hydrant, would you be looking up her skirt too?	WHATS THIS? It seems someone thought it would be funny and incriminating to put up a photo of Jean before she was an X-Woman. Will it work? Will she pull off the sympathy votes like how Screech won the Miss Bayside contest over Slater?

AND THE WINNER IS:

JEAN GREY 55% to JESSICA’S 45% !!

Professor Xavier must be proud.

A few that did not make the cut:

   Alice in Wonderland, she wants to be YOUR No. 1.

   I guess it was sign off time April O’Neill?

   That’s Cleo with “Bogus Heathcliff” pulling off the classic hot girl winter look.

   Crysta from FernGully. Yes that, FernGully.

   The Joker’s sidekick in that Batman Cartoon. She was hot in an evil, bad girl sort of way.

   Mom AND Daughter? Meet wife and daughter Jane and Judy.

   Judy Funny? Ehhhh, no. She was a hip, hip lady though.

   One of my personal favorites, Meg from “Hercules.” What can I say I’m a sucker for the brunettes.

   Minnie looks a lot like Rowdy Rowdy Piper in Wrestlemania 6, where he came down to the ring with half of his body painted black.

Hope you enjoyed the article. And if you’re a female, don’t take anything in this article too seriously, ya heard? Questions, Comments, email me at Yeahyeahyeaaah@yahoo.com.