Yeah, so I’m going to start reviewing old school games. Preferably ones from the old school Nintendo so you’ll probably like it, want to get high, and dig up your old system from the depths of Pat Curley’s basement, or better yet, parts unknown, which coincidentally enough is where former WWF wrestler Bastion Booger is from.
This week ladies and gentlemen who enjoy the cereal waffle crisp; I will be taking you back, waaaaaay back, back into time. Picture it now, the year 1988. Instead of watching American Gladiators on the tube for the umpteenth time, you decide to invite a friend over and play some Nintendo. Of course it wasn’t old school at the time. It was “NINTENDO” (it’s a cereal now). Ah, Nintendo the cereal, which delightfully included a half Mario bag and a half Zelda bag in case you were partial to either one, but that my friends is in itself another story. Back to the past …so your friend comes over and he is ready to play some Nintendo because let’s face it, it was the shit.
So you and your friend decide to insert a cartridge called “Contra” for the first time. Wow, Contra. Even the name of the game sounds cool. I think everyone who had the old Nintendo at least played this game with most people loving it and most likely beating it. That only is however, if they knew “the code.”
Ah yes, “the code”… the most historic, classic, known code since Morse.
But, who the hell knew “the code” the first time playing it? So a friend and I begin on our quest to take down some alien motherfucker who is taking over Earth. At least I think it’s Earth. So to start off the game these two guys drop down from the air, (one blue guy, one red guy … naturally, although they don’t look like that on the cover of the game) and you basically start shooting the bejeezus out of some alien creatures and some mounted guns. Not long into the game you get hit by a bullet and die, which is what should happen. Then comes the bogus part. You die, then die again and it’s over? Three lives, that’s it? What the fuck. How in blazes are you supposed to do anything in the game with only three lives. Who does Konami think we are?
Being the cool kid I was back in the day, I subscribed to “Nintendo Power,” and what a magazine it was. It had some classic covers, like the first one with a picture of clay versions of Mario and his pals competing in a track and field competition. So, I’m looking through the “Classified Information” section, which they should have just labeled “Here are the Codes dumbass,” but I doubt our parents would have let us subscribe to a magazine back then with the word “ass” in it. Boo-Bam, there we come upon the code to 30 lives for Contra. Boy, did it seem complicated at first, but we had to have those 30 motherfuckin’ lives so we could shoot down that alien-heart or whatever the fuck it was.
“Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start.” Wow that’s a mouthful huh.
So we pull that off somehow when you see this.
We cruise along, get some nice machine guns and some guns that are named “Spread” because, well, the bullets spread out. The spread gun was the bomb-diggity best gun in the game for those who did not have the privilege of playing it. Cruisin’ along to the second board, which instead of having the classic scrolling left to right gimmick, is a level that goes up and down. Gripping. Now if you were stupid enough to press up, even slightly in this board, your guy would flip out something fierce like he was electrocuted and basically he would get the shit blown out of him if he did not move. Get past that and up some waterfalls and you meet this sly motherfucker.
Anyway, this bad lookin' motherfucker wasn’t even the last guy. Not even close. Get past some snow and these truck things and you’re well on your way to the hardest board in the game, “the Hangar.”
The hangar was some sort of mine with claws that repeatedly would try and smash you from the ceiling. Then of course there were mine carts to deal with and walls with metal spikes. This is just par for course and standard Nintendo logic. But, you get past some big goon that changes colors and you’re almost there.
Fucking spooky shit this level was. There was a big dragon, some eyes spitting out white shit that looks like pre-cum which follows you (AKA, not a good thing) and finally the alien which looks like a heart with some spider looking things that come flying out of the bottom of it.
So the two of you just start plugging’ away and it’s basically over like that. You fly away in a helicopter, the credits roll (a classic way to end an old school Nintendo game) and you hear some funky music. Yadda, yadda, yadda, some Japanese names, they thank you for playing, and the rest. Despite a standard ending, Contra for Nintendo is all in all one of the best, most classic, games on the old school Nintendo. Believe that.
