“God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money.”
— Mel Brooks

I cannot prove that President Bush is responsible for The Butterfly Effect 2. But in this frustrating hour we live, I cannot absolve him either.

As you might know — and have a Blessed Day if you don’t — 2004’s The Butterfly Effect starred that battery of wasted energy Aston Kutcher. The story revolved around Kutcher’s character traveling back in time to prevent the dinosaurs getting wiped out by avian flu or help the 1980 USA men’s hockey team beat the Soviets. Something to that effect — despite grossing over $90 million at the worldwide box office, I don’t know anybody who’s seen this movie. Yet they made a direct-to-DVD sequel starring nobody you know with a director two steps away from directing a Vonage commercial.

When did you realize we live in the Age of Unnecessary Movie sequels? (Sequels released in theaters or otherwise?) For me, it was when I saw an ad for Jeepers Creepers 2. I was dimly aware of the first one. (I think the story revolved around the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz slaughtering a high school football team in a corn field set to anachronistic music our grandparents listen to during heavy petting.) Again, despite grossing $59 million globally, not a single person I’ve ever stood next on the subway saw this movie.

(Think about this — Jeep Creeps 1 grossed $21 million in non-American countries. The film debuted on August 31, 2001. Twelve days later, Islamic terrorists attacked New York City, Washington, D.C. and Pennsylvania. Coincidence?)

Look at this incomplete list of recent unnecessary sequels, movies based on television shows and remakes of previous movies. Stop me when I come across one worth watching. Shout loud because this is a big room.

Unnecessary sequels: Scary Movie 4, Save the Last Dance 2, Final Destination 3, Bring It On 2, Rocky 6, Son of the Mask, Basic Instinct 2, Rambo 4, Miss Congeniality 2.

Movies based on old television shows: Miami Vice, Dukes of Hazzard, Aeon Flux, Bewitched, The Thunderbirds.

Remakes of previous movies: Bad News Bears, The Phantom of the Opera, Assault on Precinct 13, The Omen, The Ring, Oliver Twist, Pride and Prejudice, The Amityville Horror, The Fog, Herbie: Fully Loaded, War of the Worlds, The Pink Panther, Poseidon.

And remember, these lists do not include movies based on sources other than the screenwriter’s brain — novels, comic books, video games, Disney amusement park rides, etc. Not all films pulled from other mediums are bad (Serenity and both Spider-Man films are excellent), but the overall trend demonstrates a Hollywood running out of ideas, fast.

(The prequels were intentionally left off this list. Those horses fled the flaming barn long ago. Which prequels? Come on. THOSE prequels. Khoo-haa. Khoo-haa.)

Indeed, Hollywood seems oblivious to its dearth of ideas. Writing in the Wall Street Journal’s online apparatus last year, Motion Picture Association of America President Dan Glickman defended Hollywood’s 2005 box office receipts. The former Kansas congressman cited the films that grossed over $200 million last year — Batman Begins, Revenge of the Sith, Wedding Crashers, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe would also join this group by year’s end. If one wasn’t a sequel (or “remake”) then it was based on pre-existing source materials (novels and comic books). Only Wedding Crashers came from original source material and the strength of that film’s success rests with its Frat Pack stars Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

HO, HO … Hide your children

Hollywood will always make bad movies. Nothing sets my teeth a-gnashin’ quicker than reading some film snob blame George Lucas and Steven Spielberg for the death of good movies in 1970’s. Shame on those two for not making quality, serious films like Mitchell and The Giant Spider Invasion. But the situation we face in the ’00s is different. Market forces are reinforcing — indeed, encouraging — Hollywood’s current myopic practices.

Slate.com pointed out how much profit studios make from DVD sales. In the first three months of 2005, movie studios earned $5.67 billion (that’s with a “b”) from DVD sales. Physical production of a DVD disc and its packaging costs $1.85, according to the article. Even after factoring in the capital sunk to produce a hit movie like Anchorman, DVD sales make more and more sense as the way to go.

Business, like water, follows the path of least resistance. Why waste time, energy and money thinking up truly original ideas when you can glom onto the bare success of film vehicles like Save the Last Dance? Plop a whole bunch down in the Wal-Mart discount bin and let the lettuce roll in. The same applies with Blockbuster Video.

Guy: So what should we rent?
Girl: Oh, how about Save the Last Dance 2? I liked the first one.
Guy: I dunno ….
Girl: It has girls in tights ….
Guy: Sold.

Think about how many commercials you’ve seen for direct-to-DVD sequels to animated Disney films. Just check out the list. Uncle Walt’s frozen head sure has a nose for business.

Given the massive financial rewards of DVD sales, combined with the incredible of cost of blockbuster movies (Superman Returns cost a staggering $270 million to make), Hollywood’s semi-conscious choice of strip mining America’s pop culture history makes perfect economic sense. What gives Warner Bros. a greater chance of a return on their investment — hiring Tina Fey to write and direct a Three’s Company remake (unconfirmed as of press time), or taking a chance on two weird brothers and their movie about people living in a computer? Sure, Warner Bros. gets The Matrix franchise with the latter, but in the other nine times out of ten, they get Johnny Mnemonic.

Do you enjoy digital cable? How about those eight HBO channels? Well, HBO needs content for those channels. It can’t all be Kim Cattrall’s Guide to Landing Strip Maintenance and Great Back Hair in Soprano’s History. Another maw exists to have its appetite sated on mediocre chum scooped from Hollywood’s ever larger bucket.

As we eagerly await Star Trek 11, is there anything that will change this slide into perpetual movie mediocrity? Maybe, but only if you vote with your wallet. Show up at the theater to watch original movies, even movies of questionable quality like Nacho Libre and Snakes on a Plane. Sure, they might stink, but eventually the law of averages will give us some winners full of original content. Rent and purchase DVDs in the same fashion. And boycott Robin Williams films. He’s really not part of the equation, I just can’t stand his act. We’re all aware of gay hairdressers and Baptist preachers, thanks.

I can’t help but notice this phenomena has blossomed over the past five or six years. That’s about how long President Bush has been in office — to many, the epitome of an unnecessary sequel.

I knew there was a way to pin all this on him.

Questions? Comments? Failure to Launch 2? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com.

Michael Lucinski lives, loves and works in the Washington, D.C. area. He’s a graduate of the University at Buffalo and the George Washington University. In the spirit of bi-partisanship, next time I’ll find a way to blame NFL parity on Bill Clinton.