“You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.”
— Ned Flanders

The United States Commemorative Coin Act of 1996 (PL 105-124) is a triumph of Bill Clinton’s presidency. This cannot be argued.

The democratic republic declared in July 1776 contains 50 states, 299 million citizens (and counting), the fourth-longest river in the world, faces carved onto mountains, great lakes of salt, valleys of death, bowls of dust, cities lower than the sea, cities higher than a mile and Rowdy Roddy Piper. But thanks to television, film and the Internet , the vast geographic and attitudinal difference among America’s many regions are rendered as mysterious as your arm. Electronic media shrinks miles to meters, presenting a view of the nation from broadcasting centers in New York, Washington, D.C., Atlanta and Los Angeles that look similar. This video of a prank gone wrong looks videotaped a block away from this stunt gone wrong, but one might be in Alaska, the other in New Jersey. It’s easy to forget how fascinating, special and different Maine is from Wisconsin is from Montana.

PL 105-124 reminds us of this every time we do laundry. The law authorized the United States Mint to circulate five new quarters a year for ten years beginning in 1999. Each state would be featured on one quarter, released in the order they joined the Union. The colossus of Delaware was first. Each state would decide on what image best represented them. With the consent of Congress and a stroke of his pen, Clinton singled-handedly created a generation of coin-collecting nerds fated to scour the palm of their hands looking for the new Rhode Island quarter after giving the cashier $3 for a $2.09 bag of nacho cheese Combos.

A 1998 Christmas gift, my official state quarters map followed me from my parent’s house to the University at Buffalo to Northern Virginia. Checking the loose change jar for new quarters quickly became a habit. Maybe it’s the ceaseless quest to learn more about one’s country. Maybe it’s the appeal of shiny objects. During my brief forays into retail (sporting goods and books) many a customer has fished through returned change hoping for a new treasure from the good people of Illinois or South Carolina.

Not that the program executed flawlessly. The map came with a booklet listing the who, what and why of each state. Certainly an assignment third graders with access to Google could complete. Except, in this case, the booklet confused the silhouette of Idaho with the state of Indiana, the silhouette of Missouri with the state of Montana and the silhouette of Arkansas with the state of Arizona. Everybody makes mistakes. My parents once confused my brother Steve with the family dog. That day Taffy was the most popular kid on the first day of Kindergarten and Steve was neutered.

Over 28 billion state quarters are currently circulating through supermarket gumball machines and truck stop condom dispensers across America. By January, 40 state quarters will be in circulation. The current state in circulation is North Dakota. South Dakota will round out 2006. (Both states entered the Union on the same date in 1889 in alphabetical order). One year ago I called the program a bad idea. That was hasty and incorrect. Now that the program is 80 percent complete, it’s now clear there is as much right with the designs as there is wrong. (Read that column for my still-valid criticisms.) The quarters are fascinating because they reflect geographic and historical variety in the nation. It’s variety so pronounced, at times the differences become antagonistic. But here we are, a nation so important instead of just one author of the definitive series of essays justifying a democratic republic controlling a large landmass (The Federalist Papers), we have three. Isn’t that worth a ten-year, currency-based celebration? Yes.

The state quarters program is like life, love and the NFL — there’s some good, some bad and the Oakland Raiders. Bad quarters are “Mediocre compromises plus trees and cows.” For the good ones it’s “Cool shit that’s kinda pretty.” Here are the best and worst of the program, in no particular order. Who am I to tell Vermont they’re not as good as Nevada? The Dunkirk-like exodus of young people from their state accomplishes that just fine.

Good ol’ Maryland — or as it will be known after next September, “The state full of my in-laws.” Behold the dome of the capital building in Annapolis surrounded by vines. That’s it. What else could America’s most boring state put on its quarter? A crab hammer? Cal Ripken’s workman-like attitude? Avon Barksdale? Even Wyoming quarter’s can feature the Joker corn-holing Donnie Darko in a pup tent.

It’s a good thing I love my fiancée. Once we stopped by the Family Dollar store in the town outside Baltimore that contains our future wedding chapel. Never in my life have I seen so many mullets. On women. But that’s okay. She doesn’t have a mullet.

“Who’s John Muir?” you ask. Exactly. In many ways, California is the brightest star in the American constellation. The Golden State is rich with iconic images and locations. The Golden Gate Bridge. The Hollywood Sign. Death Valley. Napa Valley. Silicon Valley. So what does Gov. Cyberdyne Model 101 select as the image? Theodore Roosevelt’s drinking buddy he killed hookers with. Well, not really. He was an influential naturalist and conservationist.

It’s clear this quarter was a victim the urban/rural and intra-urban splits in the state. The Golden Gate Bridge (the right choice) would upset the L.A. and San Diego areas. Any urban icon would upset the state’s large suburban and rural populations. Hence, the unsatisfying choice.

Hmmm, what’s that Gov. Schwarzenegger?
Oh yes, I’m getting to the chopper right now.

Ode to “Little House on the Prairie” or indicative of a lack of imagination? I haven’t met too many people from Iowa, but one native son was a retired four-star Air Force general who spent 2,488 days in a North Vietnam POW camp.

But a one-room schoolhouse is better than an ethanol field or cow dung, I suppose.

“Freedom and unity through high-quality breakfast condiments harvested by small, family-owned businesses!” One sympathizes with former Gov. Howard Dean, whose task it was to select this from among the finalists. What else is a notable Vermont export? It’s depressing enough dropping a quarter in the homeless guy’s coffee cup. Nobody wants to look at a divorced woman drowning her sorrows in a pint of Chunky Monkey.

But trees have played a key role in our nation’s history. Um, the desk Jefferson used to write the Declaration of Independence was made of wood (assuming he used a desk). Babe Ruth’s bat was most likely made of wood. And I think Bob Dole’s arm was made of wood. So yeah, trees.

That was very thoughtful. I’m sure Miss Wisconsin 2004 will appreciate the immortality. And they included her favorite food. Isn’t that nice?

“Captain, what manner of contraption is that?”
“I don’t know, but you probably shouldn’t have killed that albatross!”

Cognitive dissonance is the applicable phrase. I understand the intent to tie Florida’s post-Columbus explorers with modern space exploration. The state even deserves credit for recognizing the historical contributions of those likely harsh or violent towards indigenous people of color. (I’m looking at you, Buzz Aldrin.) But a unifying theme needs more similarity than “Well, everyone piloting the vehicles are carbon-based life forms.”

(In 2003 residents around Profile Lake awoke to find the face had slid off the mountain during the night. Theories center on the natural erosion process as the culprit for destruction.)

What does Ohio’s quarter and Vince’s buddies on “Entourage” have in common? Both glom off the fame of their friends. The Wright Brothers and Neil Armstrong are all native sons of Ohio, true. But none actually accomplished their feat in the Buckeye State. It’s historically misleading and causes a slight bout of cognitive dissonance! Way to go, Ohio!

Oh, I get the reference. I’m familiar with Music City and a certain miracle of dubious nature. This quarter reminds me of a painting I saw while shopping for bedroom accoutrements. (We eventually settled on Star Wars sheets and matching Sonic the Hedgehog end table lamps.) It was a wicker chair with a flower vase placed on the seat. Next to the vase was a wood duck. A vase and a wood duck on a chair. That’s it. I vetoed that painting while stifling laughter.

Tennessee’s quarter is a duck on a chair. The stars are a nice touch. I can’t wait to see Mario, Luigi and Princess Toadstool’s jam band.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
A: She tried to read the waffle iron.

A surprising choice — but only surprising because it’s expected the traditional choice is eschewed these days. The Battle of Trenton followed Washington’s army crossing the Delaware. Without victory at Trenton, Washington’s volunteer army goes back to their farms and the Revolution dies in infancy. New Jersey could have selected James Gandolfini’s tank top or James McGreevey’s tighty-whiteys, but they went classy with American history. Good for them.

America is full of amber waves of grain, oceans white with foam and purple mountains’ majesty. Colorado’s quarter celebrates this natural bounty in general and this state’s natural bounty specifically. The Rockies are tall mountains full of beer and bikini models. Equally impressive is the less known natural resource of Colorado. Look closely at the pine trees in the foreground. Look towards the quarter’s left. There he is, behind the tree.

It’s ManBearPig.
He’s there.
I’m super serial.

As a New York native son, I know there is a lot to complain about regarding the 11th state. In this instance, however, Gov. Pataki and state leadership managed to navigate the treacherous upstate/downstate split. The result is one of the best state quarters. The Statue of Liberty is a symbol of America, not just New York City. It had to be there. Yet the statue alone does not represent the state. I remember the finalist designs included the Manhattan skyline, Federal Hall and the Battle of Saratoga. The smart choice was made to include the outline of the whole state. I know downstate residents consider the other New York a pimple on their ass, but I’m glad we’re represented, even on such a small scale.

Illinois gets thumbs up for including the man allegedly second only to Jesus Christ in pages written about him. Lincoln was born in Kentucky, but made his reputation in Illinois. I concede this quarter suffers from a tad of cognitive dissonance. If I’m correct, the first Sears Tower wasn’t built until three years after Lincoln’s death and was made of Popsicle sticks. But again, the inclusion gets them a pass. Now Lincoln playing one-on-one with Michael Jordan, that’s a work of art.

I included this quarter because my fiancée likes horses.

Good thing this quarter was designed prior to 2004, otherwise the image would be 200 frat boys crammed into a dive bar wearing backwards Red Sox hat with faces frozen in the “Whoo!” face for eternity. In another surprise, the good people of the Bay State honored their rich heritage as a cradle of American liberty.

We all know the story of Paul Revere, the most famous Massachusetts patriot. After a drunken 45 seconds of passion with a butter churn girl, Revere went back to his silversmith shop. He wanted to forge a ring as a goodbye present for her, a la Tony Soprano. However, in the dark of night he slipped on a pool of vomit left by a drunken Samuel Adams. When he awoke after hitting his head, he witnessed 10 British soldiers leaving the butter churn girl’s home. The Red Coats were coming.

I admit to a bias in favor of Texas. Well, the caricature of Texas and Texans, at least. The crazy Texan stereotype always makes me smile. That’s what makes this quarter a pleasant surprise. “Modest” is the last word associated with the Lone Stars, but that is precisely the quarter they produced. I am puzzled why the Alamo wasn’t chosen. According to Hank Hill, that battle is a source of pride among Texans.

The exception is Dallas. The city where the 25th President of the United States was killed is 0-3 in champion series against the city where the 35th President of United States was killed. Mexico can have Dallas back, as far as I care.

I’ve never been to Mississippi, just her cousin Alabama. Even if they’re just 10 percent similar, then there isn’t much for the Mouth of the river to tout. Except they wisely selected from their chosen nickname. The magnolias are elegant and understated. It is much better than expanding waistlines or simmering racial tensions.

This tableau is visually consistent, contains no cognitive dissonance and is historically important. The journey of Lewis and Clark is one of the great adventures in the world history — an exploration of the North American interior. No Europeans had witnessed the natural bounty offered by this land. Booty too because the journey featured much knocking of moccasins. The inclusion of the St. Louis Arch — not a feature of the 1804 landscape — is a nice touch. It made me think of McDonald’s only for one second, I swear.

In addition to portraying the important moment when humanity achieved sustainable flight, the North Carolina quarter conveys as sense of action. The Wright Brothers’ plane is tilted ever so slightly, conveying the idea of motion through flight, or at least the struggle for motion through flight. A reminder that our advanced technology generates from humble beginnings is always welcome.

Besides, what else would they use? A professional sports league victory? It’s not like any team in the state has ever won a Super Bowl or Stanley C— oh, wait. Damn it.

Questions? Comments? South Dakota’s Quarter? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com.

Michael Lucinski lives, loves and works in the Washington, D.C. area. He’s a graduate of the University at Buffalo and the George Washington University. Notice how I repeatedly mentioned Bill Clinton without a cheap blowjob joke. I’m proud of that.