I’ll stay with you/The walls will fall before we do
— The Goo Goo Dolls

Is the city of Buffalo cursed?

Of the 42 men to server as president of the United States, only four were assassinated in only American three cities:

Washington, D.C. (Lincoln, Garfield).
Dallas, Texas (Kennedy).
Buffalo, New York (McKinley).

The worst act of non-Islamic terrorism committed against by the United States?
The 1995 Oklahoma City bombing.

The guilty party?
Western New York native Timothy McVeigh.

The first major domestic terrorism-related arrests following the attacks in New York and Washington, D.C.?
The Lackawanna Six.

Number of Bruce Almighty scenes filmed in Buffalo?
Zero.

Hmm. My answer is maybe.

Are Buffalo sports teams cursed? That’s a tougher nut to crack.

Following the Buffalo Sabres 4-2 loss to the eventual Stanley Cup champions Carolina Hurricanes in Game Seven of the Eastern Conference Finals earlier this month, fans might be forgiven thinking the Bills and Sabres’ logos are black cats walking under ladders. The absence of four (four!) starting defensemen plus dynamo center Tim Connelly in Game Seven was enough to doom Buffalo’s chances against Carolina.

If the Sabres had advanced to the final round against the Edmonton Oilers, planes crashing into HSBC Arena would only raise eyebrows around town.

Teams experience injuries at the worst time, all the time. In 2004, Terrell Owens was lost for the Philadelphia Eagles’ playoff run. The Eagles did advance to Super Bowl XXXIX against New England. Owens played, turning in a MVP-worthy performance. Final score — New England 24, Philadelphia 21. (A score I predicted exactly, thankyouverymuch). As an isolated incident, this year’s Game Seven cannot be indicative of anything except bad luck. Happens to teams all the time.

But when aggregated with the other sports-related calamities suffered by Buffalo fans over the years both big (“No Goal”) and small (“Just give it to him”), is this something more than bad luck?

SI.com’s Stanley Cup Blog raised the issue of a curse. “No one knows when the curse on Buffalo sports teams curse started, or why,” wrote E.M. Swift. “But no one who lives in that title-less town doubts of its existence.”

I no longer live there, but my heart remains behind. Is Swift right? What criteria make Buffalo “curse-worthy” opposed to Seattle or San Diego? And is that the right term? Is there really a miasma of doom that follows our boys on the field and at the rink that dooms their best efforts to failure? (Keep in mind that “curse” emotionally extends to the fans too.)

What is the anatomy of a curse?

First — Futility
A citywide curse is applicable only if all teams that matter haven’t won a championship following WWI (so your Arena Football team not winning the Arena Bowl counts only if people in your town actually care about arena football.)

Since AFL titles don’t count, Buffalo is 0-6 in major championship opportunities (0-4 in Super Bowls, 0-2 in Stanley Cup Finals).

Futility? Check.

(When ESPN 2’s Cold Pizza released their “15 Most Tortured Sports Cities” list in summer 2004, most cities on the list were championship-less — Buffalo, Phoenix, Seattle. But they put Boston and Chicago on the list. Boston — after two Super Bowl victories and countless Celtics titles. Chicago — after six NBA titles with Michael Jordan. Maybe “tortured” is a synonym for “damn fortunate” in ESPN speak. I digress.)

Second — Proper nouns
For the curse to be legitimate, the source of greatest distress must be known by a proper noun that at least 75 percent of all sports fans immediately recognize. So, the pre-2004 Boston Red Sox? “The Curse” and “Buckner.” The Cleveland Browns? “The Drive” and “The Fumble.” Capital letters are a must.

Does Buffalo have proper nouns?

January 1991 — Wide Right.

Avert your eyes, children!

June 1999 — No Goal.

My eyes! They burn!

January 2000 — Homerun Throwback.

The horror, the horror.

Proper nouns? Check.

Third — Self-image issues
It is not a coincidence that the teams/cities in America most associated with curses — Buffalo, Boston, Cleveland, Chicago — are located east of the Mississippi river and north of the Mason Dixon line. History resides in this portion of the country, but the glamorous and great are found to the south and the west. The harsher weather of the Northeast and Great Lakes automatically creates an “Us v. Mother Nature” mind-set among residents. It’s easy to transfer this hostility towards unseen forces with great influence, like referees and league “conspiracies” that favor larger market teams over smaller market teams (a stupid theory only rivaled by “war for oil.”)

Gloomy winter means 100 percent of tans in Boston and Buffalo come from E-Z squeeze bottles. In San Diego, Los Angeles and Phoenix during the winter months only 30 percent of residents look like human/carrot hybrids thanks to store-bought tans. The rest are natural. It’s hard to feel cursed when the Sun’s kiss is so consistent and passionate.

(And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that 1960 was the last time America elected a president from east of the Mississippi and north of the Mason Dixon line. Just a dour note for fans of Senator Clinton, if any really exist.)

Fourth — Hope springs eternal
There is a line between an alleged “cursed” franchise and hopeless franchises. For teams like the Arizona Cardinals, Detroit Lions, Chicago Blackhawks and Atlanta Hawks success is a stranger and failure has a thousand fathers. Fans of hopeless franchises — assuming enough exist — know not to expect anything anytime soon based on previous performances. For example, the number of times Jimmy Carter won a presidential election is the number of times Arizona won a playoff game after 1949.

Cursed franchises/cities don’t wallow in the valley all the time. Many get close to the sweet fresh air of the top of the mountain. The Chicago Cubs were this close to the World Series in 2003. Buffalo was this close to winning Super Bowl XXV. A consistent record of dismal failure (we’re looking at you, New Orleans Saints) is pathetic. A record of almost-success and heartbreaking finishes is epic.

So, hope (followed by inevitable disappointment) for the Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres? Yep.

So, Buffalo experiences futility, heartbreaking failures with catchy names and self-image problems yet is historically just good enough to raise fans’ hope before reality comes crashing through the fantasy.

So, given the weight of evidence, are Buffalo sports teams cursed?

No, not really.

Sports fans in general — Buffalo sports fans in particular — are elephantine in their memory of fortune’s bad twists. In the reflex to wallow in sour results, fans forget when providence smiles upon them.

“But that never happens to Buffalo teams,” says Straw Man. “Now I’m going to smoke my two packs a day, not read anything without a box score and call WGR 550 to bitch why sports are doomed in Western New York. Go Bills.”

That is certainly an option. A healthier option is to consider the following random collection of events that all can agree turned out well for the Bills and Sabres:

Christian Ruutu — Didn’t he play one of the elves in Lord of the Rings? Not quite. Ruutu was drafted by the Sabres in 1983 and played for the Blue and Gold until 1992. The center was mildly productive, but during his time in Buffalo the team won exactly zero playoff series.

Then he was traded — along with a box of donuts — to the Blackhawks. What did the Sabres received in return?

Dominik Hasek.

Dominik Hasek — the all-world goalie who won six Vezina Trophies (Best Goaltender), two Hart Trophies (league MVP) and led the franchise to its second appearance in the Stanley Cup finals and made the 1990’s arguably the best decade of NHL hockey in Western New York.

Does that happen to a cursed franchise?

Doug Flutie — At the start of the 1998 season, the Bills were five seasons removed from their last Super Bowl team, two seasons removed from Jim Kelly’s retirement and a franchise in turmoil. If Western New York residents and businesses didn’t spend $11 million to reserve seats and luxury boxes, the Bills would not have a lease and likely leave before the turn of the century.

And then they started the season 0-3 and the starting quarterback — Rob Johnson — was hurt. In came backup quarterback Doug Flutie and everything got better.

The Bills won 10 of their next 13 games, won a playoff spot and sold enough space at then-Rich Stadium to keep the team in Western New York (for now).

If the Bills were cursed then Doug Flutie (of all people) wouldn’t have been available to come to the team and then perform beyond expectations.

Tom Golisano — John Rigas, founder of Adelphia Communications, was a self-made man. He was also one of the greatest corporate criminals in American history. Rigas and his sons misappropriated billions of dollars in corporate funds. Rigas was also the second owner of the Buffalo Sabres.

After his arrest, the NHL took control of the Sabres. The team promptly slid into bankruptcy. Their continued existence in Buffalo was in serious doubt.

In stepped Tom Golisano — Rochester-based billionaire and perennial gubernatorial candidate. His fortune made with the Paychex Corporation, Golisano purchased the franchise, ensuring its continued presence in Buffalo. He also retained the longtime general manager and head coach. In the “new” NHL, the team had one of its best seasons efforts.

If the Sabres were a cursed franchise, there would be no Golisano to rescue the team.

Don Beebe — Ssssh! Don’t tell anyone in Houston or Tennessee. The Greatest Comeback in NFL history — Buffalo beating Houston 41-38 in overtime after trailing 35-3 — was built on a lie. The Bills got away with one.

With Buffalo trailing 35-10, the Bills recovered an onside kick that sparked their eventual win. During that drive, substitute quarterback Frank Reich (playing for injured Jim Kelly) lobbed a 38-yard bomb to wide receiver Don Beebe streaking down the sidelines. Touchdown. Houston 35, Buffalo 17.

What everybody conveniently forgets (in Buffalo at least), is that Beebe stepped out of bounds on that play before catching the ball. The official should have thrown a flag — a player cannot step out of bounds and then return to catch a pass.

For whatever reason, no flag was thrown. The Bills scored four touchdowns in the third quarter and won the game in overtime. If the Bills were truly cursed, the official sees Beebe’s foot and throws the flag, likely killing the Bills’ comeback.

David Treadwell — Another “Huh?” Treadwell was the Denver Broncos’ place kicker during the 1991 season. That’s season’s AFC Championship game was between the Broncos and the Bills in Orchard Park.

It was not an exciting game. The final score was 10-7 Buffalo; their lone touchdown a John Elway-tossed interception returned for a touchdown by Carlton Bailey. The Bills advanced to their second consecutive Super Bowl. What that score doesn’t reveal are the three missed field goals by Treadwell. If he converted just 66 percent of his chances in that game, it’s another Denver Super Bowl appearance.

If the Bills were cursed, Treadwell makes two or three field goals.

Ralph Wilson’s longevity — In 1959, businessman Ralph Wilson spent $25,000 to purchase the Buffalo Bills, a franchise in the new American Football League. In 1960, 529,646 people lived in Buffalo, the 20th largest city in the country. In 2004, the population was approximately 282,864. Despite an almost 50 percent drop in population, the team remains in Buffalo (though they play in the suburb of Orchard Park).

Ralph Wilson is the reason the team remains. At 87, he remains a businessman and not ten years ago, he threatened to move the franchise if the state, county and fan base failed to cough up more money. But his affinity remains with Buffalo and Western New York. Had he passed on before the 1998 season mentioned earlier, the new owner might not had bothered with an $11 million demand. The next stop for the trucks that moved the Baltimore Colts to Indianapolis in the middle of the night might have been Buffalo.

If the Bills were a cursed franchise, they wouldn’t have the same owner since 1959.

Pat LaFontaine’s lack of vertigo — Searching for the greatest goal in Sabres history would probably yield two answers. Searching for the greatest goal of the past 25 years yields one answer — Brad May’s overtime goal against the Boston Bruins in Game Four of the first round in the 1993 playoffs.

Buffalo, with a surprising 3-0 series lead, hadn’t won a playoff series in over a decade. Tied 5-5 in overtime, a falling Pat LaFontaine lasers a pass from center ice to a streaking Brad May, who speeds past two Boston defenders and delivers the puck into the net above the sprawling Boston goaltender.

“Gets it to May in over the line, May’s going in on goal, he shoots, he scores!” yelled Sabres announcer Rick Jenneret in Buffalo sports most famous broadcasting moment.

“Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!”

If the Sabres are cursed, the falling LaFontaine misses that pass, preventing one of the greatest moments in Buffalo sports history.

My ultimate point is this: the franchises considered to be “cursed” aren’t. They (Cleveland Browns, Buffalo Bills, Chicago Cubs, etc.) have an extraordinary run of bad luck at the worst possible time. But they get close. That’s important. The top of the mountain is in sight.

The truly cursed franchises are the Cardinals, the Hawks, the Golden State Warriors, — teams that are rarely competitive, constantly mired in failure because of an incompetent front office and offer their fans no long-term hope.

Think about the New Orleans Saints — joined the NFL in 1967, didn’t have a winning record until 1987, didn’t win a playoff game until 2000, traded all their 1999 draft picks for noted cannabis expert Ricky Williams, forced to relocate to Giants Stadium, Baton Rouge and San Antonio last season after Hurricane Katrina turned the Superdome into a chamber pot.

Now that’s cursed.

The injuries that forced the Sabres to play Game Seven without four starting defensemen? Maybe that will spur a trade with the end result a June 2007 Stanley Cup trophy appearance during a victory rally in Niagara Square.

Someone once wrote, “Faith manages.”

Keep the faith, friends.

Questions? Comments? Words of curse? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com

Michael Lucinski lives, loves and works in the Washington, D.C. area. He’s a graduate of the University at Buffalo and the George Washington University. Victory will be ours someday. I can feel it.