“It’s the pictures that got small.”
-- Norma Desmond, Sunset Blvd

Aside from the disheartening trend of building bigger cars with more television screens inside than zero (“A TV screen in your headlights! In your steering wheels! In your windshield!”), the most troublesome trend in American society at the moment is Hollywood’s penchant for green lighting sequels to mediocre films.

Who was clamoring for Cheaper By the Dozen 2 or Final Destination 3 or Fantastic Four 2? As Hollywood runs out of ideas and comic book characters to make movies about, they need to strip mine barely mediocre films in order to tap overseas theaters and DVD markets just to break even. Well, maybe they shouldn’t pay Julia Roberts $20 million a film so frumpy housewives in Minnesota feel good about themselves. But no.

HenceUnderworld Evolution.

“As the war between vampires and werewolves rages on, the legacy of both races is revealed. The personal histories of Selene (Kate Beckinsale), the vampire warrior, and Viktor (Bill Nighy), the father of modern-day vampires, are also revealed,” sayeth Internet Movie Database.

Uh, wasn’t that the plot of the first movie?

Really, who cares? What’s of more interest (and the subject of this column) are the increasingly paint-by-numbers movie trailers slapped together to gin up interest in their crappy films.

Thanks to the Internet and the increased hype, movie trailers have come a long way since 1980 when the narrator of a trailer for a highly anticipated blockbuster referred to a new character as “Lan-dau Calrissian.”

For its 100th issue, Toyfare Magazine counted down the top 100 “Geek” moments in popular culture. Number 18 on the list was “The Phantom Menace” teaser trailer debuting in 1998 with Meet Joe Black. Remember when you still had faith in George Lucas? And America? I do.

Though the art of movie trailers is still practiced here and there (see the excellent Superman Returns trailer), for most now it’s a go-through-the-motions exercise. Hollywood no longer displays that “Made in America” passion for excellence that distinguishes our porn and narcotics industries.

The recent “Underworld Evolution” trailer is a perfect example of mediocrity on parade (View it here if you don’t have anything interesting to do like pay your taxes or lick your mailbox). Murky threat, slow motion “I’m-a-bad-ass” poses, terse lines like “It’s will be the end of all existence!” delivered by evil white guys straight from central casting. Throw in a final montage of mundane action scenes set to a song by Papa Roach/Blink 182/Drowning Pool from 2002 (including the requisite “false promise of frontal nudity” with a 1.5 second clip of the lead actors engaging in semi-clothed heavy petting) and you’re set.

Hey, I can do that. Without further ado here is the trailer for “The Redaction Corollary,” in theaters Labor Day 2006.

20th Century Fox ....

In association with Paramount Pictures ...

Dreamworks Entertainment .....

And Warner Bros. Entertainment present …

A film so big, it cannot be exhibited in Rhode Island. The state is too damn small. That’s how big a film this is.

In the city on the edge of tomorrow that never sleeps …

A dark and restless evil stirs …

Aided by the misguided …

And the malevolent.

As the chaos rises …

Only one man can stem the tide …

“Get me Jack Bauer. And a lobster bib.”

“I was fighting narco-terrorists in Columbia. I guess I can take a second job.”

“I’m supposed to be impressed? I went down on Woody Allen.”

“I’m impressed. With both of you.”

Alliances will be formed …

And hearts will be broken.

The action will heat up …

And surprises will be revealed …

Be sure to fight the good fight …

Because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate …

“Banishment to Monster Island for those who play Grand Theft Auto. I’m a centrist!”

The Redaction Corollary. Coming Labor Day 2006.
What you don’t know, can kill you.

Questions? Comments? Think Cheaper By The Dozen deserved a sequel? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com

Michael Lucinski lives, loves and works in the Washington, D.C. area. He’s a graduate of the University at Buffalo and the George Washington University. Seriously, check out the Superman Returns trailer. It’s the new hotness.