“It is a great shock at the age of five or six to find that in a world of Gary Coopers you are the Indian”
-- James Baldwin

Like solar flares or Donald Trump’s taste for human flesh, the subject of “diversity” in America fires a flare into the topical sky every so often as a signal it’s time, once again, to talk about diversity.

Last month President Bush nominated his second grade school marm to take Sandra Day O’Connor’s place on the Supreme Court – filling one of the high court’s two “Ovary Chairs.” While Republicans didn’t storm the castle with torches and pitchforks in outrage over this selection, they could be seen from White House windows dousing their travel umbrellas in malt liquor taken from D.C. hobos and looking for matches in the pockets of their Brooks Brothers jackets. The nominee soon withdrew her name from consideration.

Then Democrats (or at least Jesse Jackson), reaffirming their deeply-held principle of only caring about dark-skinned people if they speak English, screeched that not enough rebuilding contracts in the Gulf Coast were being set aside for minorities and minority-owned companies.

Finally, like a clock striking Outrage ’O Clock, the Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sports at the University of Central Florida released it’s report card of racial and gender diversity in sports administration. The NFL scored worst with a combined C/C+. The methodology of the study must be taken into question, however, because the authors deemed the WNBA and Major League Soccer as worthy of study.

Just like a shiny ball of tinfoil, these stories got me thinking, but not about baked potatoes, like a shiny ball of tinfoil would.

I started thinking about diversity. And superhero teams. And how the two go together. And the lessons for you living in the real world.

(I do not live in the real world. I live in the Washington D.C. area. When the administrative assistant has a Blackberry, that is not reality.)

While the standard conservative chestnut about diversity of thought rather than diversity of appearance is correct, it is also inadequate as an explanation.

Superhero teams are the best example of proper diversity. Not diversity like the number of black people in the Justice League, or women on the X-Men, or mutants on the Avengers. The diversity in question is diversity of skills, abilities, and talents. Almost all superhero teams have the following standard parameters:

A team needs the strongman/invulnerable character (Superman, Colossus, The Thing, Thor).
A team needs melee fighters (Batman, Wolverine, Captain America).
A team needs high energy wielders (Human Torch, Storm, Green Lantern).
A team needs at least one character with abilities to attack opponents’ brains (Jean Grey, Sue Richards, Martin Manhunter).

But think about Harvard Diversity – look as different as possible, but think the exact same thing as everybody else. Indeed, those whose would otherwise be considered adding to the diversity of a group – Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas or Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, for example – are considered apostates because they do not share the same beliefs as other “people of diversity” do.

From the Oct. 31 edition of the Milwaukee Sentinel Journal: “In losing a woman, the court with [Supreme Court Justice designate Samuel] Alito would feature seven white men, one white woman and a black man, who deserves an asterisk because he arguably does not represent the views of mainstream black America.” (Bold is mine.)

If I have to explain why that is wrong and how that mindset is damaging to the country, well, there’s plenty of room for you in Canada.

How would differences in skin color, boobs or lack of boobs help you defeat a rampaging super villain bent on destroying America? This joker, for example:

He probably can’t keep credit cards in his wallet.

Since the villain is Magneto, we’ll use the X-Men as an example. What if the team is loaded with blacks and whites and Hispanics and Asians and Jews and Muslims and Amish (yes, Amish mutants!), but they all have the power of Cyclops? In other words, Harvard Diversity – look different, but the same otherwise. It’s just surface diversity that’s important. This is how the battle would go:

Magneto: The world of homo sapiens is over!

Asian Cyclops: Not today.

The heat of Asian Cyclops’ optic blast sizzles the Manhattan air. The blast meets Magneto’s electromagnetic shield and harmlessly bounces off.

Asian Cyclops: Blast it!

Muslim Cyclops: Let me take a swing, boss.

The heat of Muslim Cyclops’ optic blast sizzles the Manhattan air. The blast meets Magneto’s electromagnetic shield and harmlessly bounces off.

Muslim Cyclops: Uhhhhh …. Help me out, Female Cyclops.

The heat of Female Cyclops’ optic blast sizzles the Manhattan air. The blast meets Magneto’s electromagnetic shield and harmlessly bounces off.

Magneto: Ha, ha, ha.

Using his mutant mastery of magnetism, Magneto drops a train on the X-Men, killing all. Twelve hours later, Washington, D.C. is in flames.

Of course, the “real” X-Men are more than just Cyclops. Indeed, working as a team with a diverse set of skills, abilities and experience, they can tackle almost anything; from 5,000 year-old Darwinistic mutants to Marvel’s ever-constant editorial drift, the X-Men’s true diversity allows them to survive the most dire circumstances.

We don’t have mutants to deal with, but racial, ethnic and sectarian tensions always simmer below the surface of our society. How can we use the positive example of the X-Men to our benefit? Where is our collection of freaks and weirdoes who can learn the lesson of the X-Men and rally a bedraggled and weary nation?

Why, the Republican and Democratic parties, of course.

Just think of it. Both parties, representing the vast majority of Americans from all corners of society, uniting to fight the worst and preserve the best of America.

The Uncanny Republocrats.
The Astonishing Demicans.

Misshapen freaks of nature? Check. Inflated sense of moral superiority? You betcha. Insular collectives that interact awkwardly with the rest of the world? Of course. Tactical combat skills? Eh, maybe not.

A glorious meritocracy founded on the best of the Republican Party and the not-horrible parts of the Democrat Party uniting America to face our common challenges. Only the best and brightest need apply.

Unless your PAC can bundle large campaign contributions for the national party’s congressional campaign committee.

Then you go straight to the head of the line.

You can even fly the plane.

Questions? Comments? Hindu Cyclops? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com

Michael Lucinski lives, loves and works in the Washington, D.C. area. He’s a graduate of the University at Buffalo and the George Washington University. Hey, that guy’s a stinkin’ mutie!