“‘G.I. Joe’ is the code name for America’s daring, highly-trained special mission force. Its purpose: to defend human freedom again Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.”
-- “G.I. Joe” opening narration

In the race for Seminal 1980’s Cartoon Show Based On A Toy Line, two contenders cross the line in a photo finish: G.I. Joe and the Transformers. A show based on trucks, backhoes and boom boxes that transform into 40 ft tall robots is a winner in anybody’s book. On the other hand, it’s a lot easier to pretend you’re fighting guys dressed like snakes in your back yard opposed to fighting talking handguns in outer space.

Don’t misunderstand me: Transformers is top three in my childhood with the Joes and those guys who live in galaxies far, far away. And the Transformers have key advantages over our Real American Heroes (a much better movie, for one). But, at the end of the day, Transformers is 1B to G.I. Joe’s 1A.

That doesn’t mean G.I. Joe is perfect, of course. Even the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers have lost Super Bowls.

The creators were very smart to design villains for the Joes that were outlandish without being easy stereotypes. I think President Reagan called the Soviets everything except anthropomorphic snake men or inbred swamp-dwelling morons. “Great Communicator” my butt.

But as the series rolled on, the same old “Good guy in green fatigues” versus “Bad guy in blue fatigues” dynamic wore thin. So the creators were forced to succumb to kiddies’ crazy imaginations and disdain for the mundane. That’s how fans ended up with Burgess Meredith as a half-man/half-serpent stealing the Joe’s space heater and hatching his Death Kernels in space. Eat lightning, crap thunder, save your residuals from “Batman.”

The characters and vehicles slowly evolved from mostly plausible, combat-logical tanks, planes and helicopters to crazy space shuttles and William “the Refrigerator” Perry action figures. Some were cool, some were bad and some were Chernobyl. Here are the Chernobyl: the ten worst G.I. Joe figures for kids to play with.

Note this list is based on the general playability of the action figures. Was it likely for a kid in 1986 or 1989 to look at this figure and say: “Buy me that Mommy, or I’ll grow up to be a Goth kid in high school.” This has nothing to do with the character’s appearance in the comic book or on the TV show. Also, I focused on figures in the vague time period when: a) I paid attention as a kid and b) Hasbro actually tried not to make crappy toys.

I still fail to comprehend, for example, the ”Lunartix Empire,” a non-terrestrial foe to fight the Joes in space. Brought to you by people who thought George Clooney as Batman was a good idea.

Anyway, let the show begin.

#10: Snake Eyes

Snake Eyes was the star of the comic and a bit player on the TV show. When you’re terser than Mark McGwire before a Congressional committee, television isn’t your medium. And while it’s a bit illogical to choose swords against guys with missile launchers and flamethrowers, ninjas are undoubtedly cool.

Oh no! The Fab Five turned Snake Eyes fab-u-lous!

Until, of course, Snake Eyes chose to wear his outfit from the senior class trip to Veil as his battle togs. If memory serves, this was Snakes’ third outfit, numbers one and two being black and gray mixes. Apparently, Cobra headquarters was that S&M club from the third “Matrix” film, necessitating the change so Snakes could fit in.

Shouldn’t his costume be a little more, I don’t know, camouflaged? I’m not a military tactician, but it’d make sense. Not a lot of blue and red to hide behind in the Iraq desert. But don’t worry America, if Cobra takes over Willy Wonka’s factory, Snake Eyes can sneak in and grab it back.

#9: Wet Suit

I’ve always hated aqua-themed action figures. It’s easy to simulate land-based combat with your toys. Just roll them on the ground. If you have planes or helicopters, just hold them in your hand and bam, air-based combat. Hell, even the nautically-inclined characters can walk on land and fight.

But try playing with boats and frogmen and whatnot in water. Where do you find the water? A creek in the backyard? That’s dirty and an easy way to lose accessories. The bathtub? Then Mom yells at you for making a mess. Do the figures float? If not, things are a lot less fun. Toys are lost, messes are made and no fun is had. Boo water-based toys.

I also hate characters who don’t come with a weapon. This is war, it ain’t no UN Security Council meeting or doily-infested tea party (but I repeat myself). Even the prissy medic carries a sidearm. Toy companies should stop sniffing glue and make toys that can fight back, damn it!

This rant leads to Wet Suit. I know there are other characters in the G.I. Joe line without weapons (just keep reading). I know there are other aqua-centric characters too. He just combines the worst of two worlds. Into the brig, soldier.

How do you say, “I suck” underwater?

#8: Psyche Out

The result of an Owen Wilson sex romp with a satellite dish.

Wow, don’t stand next to this guy on the golf course. Apparently, those radar dishes glued to his ass are weapons, and not meant to steal cable. According to his bio those pie plates induce paranoia in the enemy. He also studied at Berkley. Maybe all that weed he undoubtedly smoked melted his brain. Whoever heard of a paranoid pothead?

What a goofy looking loser. In addition to looking like somebody half a step away from donning the tin foil hat, he doesn’t come with a weapon. Kids are very resourceful with their imagination. They’ll pretend those radar dishes shoot lasers or lava or liquor or something. What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

#7: Drednoks

A content analysis of both the cartoon show and comic book indicates a strong affinity among the fans for Zartan and his gaggle of mouth-breathing, swamp-dwelling morons. And I suppose with their goofy accents and nose-picking habits, it’s easy to understand why four-year old boys would like them.

Inspired by the great Soap Scare of ’82.

But as action figures, they’re rather worthless. While no weapons are the worst, melee weapons are the second worst. Like with the ninjas, what good are chainsaws and jackhammers against shotguns and heavily-armed robots? Plus, they look like rejects from the annual Sturgis bike rally in South Dakota. Kids want cool soldiers, not guys who missed their appearance before the judge because the only clean shirt they had said “If you can read this, the bitch fell off.”

#6: Croc Master

Of all the figures on this list, Croc Master has the most potential to break off the loser list, but he can’t quite make it. Sure, if Marilyn Manson ever held a Goth circus, this guy would be in the center ring, but kids in 1987 don’t know Goth. They think the crocodile-inspired armor and black mask is cool. (Croc Master, or “C.M.” as I call him, is one of the two figures from this shit list I owned. The other is Gay Mafia Snake Eyes).

Oh, good. Somebody to help Cobra Commander pick out luggage.

Plus, he comes with a pet crocodile. Kids love big, hungry reptiles. Unfortunately, they aren’t fun to play with. Why? Because the first Joe that comes along with an M-16 will create the latest hand bag craze for Paris Hilton. Plus, while C.M. comes with a weapon, it’s better suited to tame the lions in the center ring of that Goth circus. Unless Harrison Ford is involved, in the case of Gun v. Bullwhip, Gun wins every time.

Reading this over so far, I realize I sound like some sort of government bureaucrat killjoy when I was seven, meticulously cataloging the firepower capability of each character while drawing Venn diagrams in the dirt discovering the intersection between Joe capability and Cobra weakness.

Well, so what if I was?

Seriously, G.I. Joe’s great appeal was its ability (relative to He-Man, Transformers, et al) to be believable. When you try to get kids to buy war toys at least give them ones that can fight back. C.M. can’t, so he gets flushed down the toilet with his reptilian life partner.

#5: Raptor

When costume play goes too far.

This is actually a tremendous effective costume. Think about it: you’re a member of the Joe team. You’re on the corner of 17th Street and Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C., desperately trying to push back a Cobra assault on the White House. Enemy fire keeps eating into the building you’re hiding behind. You look up, hoping to spot your reinforcements, and what do you see?

A 35 year-old former insurance salesman from Yuma, Arizona dressed like Sam’s eagle from My Side of the Mountain radioing in artillery strikes. You’d be laughing so hard there’s no way you could shoot straight. Your RPG would go off course and punch a hole in the Old Executive Office Building. Raptor would escape the battle unscathed. Brilliant.

Again, we see the no weapon theme, so children whose parents hated them enough to buy this figure needed to pretend he shot lasers out his butt, or something. Also the reoccurring animal theme appears. But, unlike Croc Master, Raptor’s furry buddy is a little less threatening. Only an angry Jennifer Lopez is a greater threat to claw out your eyes than a shrieking falcon, but crocodiles are just cooler.

Did Cobra Commander tell Raptor to dress like that? Maybe Destro found it funny.

Destro: “No, seriously, tell him we’ll let him join only if he dresses like a bird.”

Cobra Commander: “Okay, okay, fine. So what does the Baroness dress like for you?”

Destro: “F—k you, Commander.”

#4: Lightfoot

Devo has infiltrated G.I. Joe!

“Daddy, I want to design a G.I. Joe!”

“Son, as the president of Hasbro I can make that happen, but I pay other people to do that. What happened to that little Mexican boy we bought you?”

“Awww, he couldn’t swim. I wanna make a G.I. Joe!”

“Son – ”

“Dad, why did your secretary ask about ‘giving head’ back at your office? What does that mean? Is that like giving blood? Should I ask Mom?”

“No! Uh, say, maybe you can make your own G.I. Joe. Would you like that?”

“Yay!”

“Yes, ‘yay.’ What should he look like?”

“He should be yellow ‘cause there aren’t enough yellow guys. And a blue helmet ‘cause that’s the color of my bike.”

“Since when could you ride a bike? I mean, anything else?”

“He should have big red eyes so he can see in the dark.”

“What’s his name?”

“Uh, Lightfoot, because he’s a good guy and steps on the bad guys.”

“Fine, whatever. I need a vasectomy.”

#3:Gung-Ho Like Snakes-Eyes at #10, Gung-Ho here was a second iteration of a (relatively) popular character. And, in absolute theory, there is nothing wrong with this 3 ¾” representation of God’s favorite military service. But these are action figures, not museum showpieces.

Only the bravest Marines wear their dress blues on the battlefield.

What is the point of designing, sculpting, painting and mass assembling presumably tens of thousands of a particular action figure that clearly isn’t meant to be played with? In all my grandfather’s stories about fighting with the Battlin’ Babies during the Battle of the Bulge, he never mentioned a platoon of Marines advancing towards German positions in parade ground formation.

God might really love Marines according to Stanley Kubrick, but I’m sure kids gave Gung-Ho the ol’ heave ho.

#2: Crystal Ball

Freddie Mercury joined Cobra. The war is lost.

Wow. Just wow. And this character was introduced before the toy line entered its death spiral. There’s a weird dichotomy with Cobra villains. Either they’re armed with more guns than Texas and wrap themselves in barbwire, or they’re armed with only a broom (if he/she is lucky) and dressed like a scrubbing bubble.

Crystal Ball falls in the latter category.

I think maybe the truck carrying the He-Man figure design specs collided with the truck carrying the G.I. Joe figure design specs. During the ensuing carnage, Crystal Ball slipped from Snake Mountain on Eternia to Hackensack, New Jersey or wherever Cobra decided to build their 400ft. tall snake-festooned temple this week. So Serpentor got this loser and Skeletor is right now yelling at a guy called Sewer Viper – his loyal minion with a .50 cal machine gun and a funny smell.

Wouldn’t a Joe just close his eyes whenever he saw this turkey coming to avoid being hypnotized? Yep.
Wouldn’t a Joe just shoot Mr. Mercury after closing his eyes? Yep. Next?

#1: Big Boa

Isn’t it time Boa earned a reality TV series?

Oh, Sly, were you really so desperate for more Rocky-related cash you’d fall so far to dark side? Even Anakin didn’t fall this fall, and his incentive to do so was getting away from Natalie Portman.

“Big” Boa isn’t based on Rocky Balboa, as far as I know. There were rumors that Rocky would be made into a Joe, like Sgt. Slaughter and “Refrigerator” Perry, but nothing panned out.

Seriously, who thought a “Cobra Trainer” would appeal to kids? He punches a bag. That’s it. At least the other losers on the list have lethal offensive capabilities. This guy can maybe give Flint a black eye before five other Joes pump him full of lead. Though, to give “Big” credit, on the “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” scale he falls somewhere between Piston Honda and Don Flamenco. I think this guy was the first indicator that the G.I. Joe well from which we drank so much entertainment as kids was running dry.

Oh well. At least we got a TV show that featured a guy dressed like a snake made from the DNA of Napoleon and Genghis Khan arguing with a guy wearing a VW Bug bumper on his face. Where else could a kid find that, besides Michael Jackson’s house?

Questions? Comments? What animal do you dress as? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com

Michael Lucinski works in Washington, D.C. He received a B.A. in Political Science from the University at Buffalo and a master’s from the George Washington University. Knowing is actually three-fourths the battle.