“You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”
-- Homer Simpson

By my very unscientific back-of-the-envelope calculations, humanity has created, contrived, jiggered and built over 10,993,542 doodads, hoo-hahs, baubles, whats-itts, contraptions and doorstops during our multiple millennia on this planet. We’ve come up with everything from agriculture to Slap Bracelets, from federalism to lawn darts, motor oil to “The Tempest.”

Our creative nature is burned into our genes thanks to the experiences of our ancient forerunners. After leaving the Bedrock Starbucks, Uggh the Caveman needed to cross the street without spilling his double mocha decaf latte or get eviscerated by a Velociraptor. So Uggh invented the crosswalk.

Some inventions have been good from the start (the NFL, the pacemaker), some inventions have been bad through and through, rotten to the core (Communism, New Coke).

Some were birthed with low expectations, only to succeed beyond our wildest expectations (“Star Wars,” America).

For others, the legacies are decidedly mixed (Islam, the designated hitter).

But for all our species’ capacity for ingenuity, prophets we are not. Some creations are immediately doomed, whether born in frenzied, ad-hoc moments of creativity or months of meticulous planning. What have we seen that can be added to the lamentable list of good intensions gone horribly wrong? Read on, gentle soul.

(These issues are ranked in no particular order. How can one quantify the damage caused by “The Phantom Menace” compared with the failure of LBJ’s “Great Society”? It’s like comparing apples with Berber carpet samples.

Plus, it’s hot in Washington in the summer, making real work hard and causing visible panty lines that obviously distract.

Too bad the most visible are on the Vice President. Gah.

Articles of Confederation
Ratified at the end of the American Revolution, the Articles of Confederation were the first organizational frame work for the nation that would eventually bless the world with Herman Melville, judicial review and the Fantastic Four.

As momentous as getting 13 squabbling, territorial, underdeveloped states that thought of themselves as 13 nations to cooperate on anything, the document was fatally flawed. The crazy bastards actually attempted to put into practice what they espoused during a revolution that cost thousands of lives and untold treasure. Crazy. Can you imagine what America would be like if our leaders did that today?

Congressman Smith: Mr. Speaker, I rise on behalf of the Republican majority to repeal the Medicare prescription drug bill, repeal Shays-Meehan campaign finance reform and slash pork barrel spending by 90 percent.

Speaker of the House: All in favor?

House of Representatives: Aye!

Speaker of the House: The bills are passed. Now let’s all get drunk and play ping-pong!

The Articles’ creators’ feared centralized power like a hot chick fears walking into a comic book convention. They figured liberty was best preserved in small republics with governments they could keep an eye on, like a Mom wanting a small kitchen, to make sure the kids don’t raid the cookie jar.

In their experience, power concentrated in distant capitals usually leads to unfair taxation, rampaging armies and views of the sunrise while hanging two feet off the ground from a tree branch.

As noble as their vision might have been, the execution was lacking, at best.

The national government had no effective executive branch, so no laws could be enforced. The government had no power to tax. Functionally, it had to ask for donations.

True, this sounds like a GOP wet dream, but government had no power to protect national sovereignty. In order to amend the Articles, it required the approval of every state. There was no standing military because that required congressional approval and money.

Suddenly, Republican-land seems a little more like a limp-wrist Liberal-ville.

It established “a firm league of friendship” between the states. “Friendship,” like Toby Keith and Dennis Miller crashing a Margaret Cho concert sponsored by Air America. Each state had its own currency. Territorial disputes simmered. Farmers rebelled in Massachusetts.

Eventually, they wised up and convened the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787. As they looked over the document, it was one clause that cinched the decision to scrap the Articles.

Article XI invited Canada to join the United States.

That’s like inviting your dorky cousin to the Make Out party.

If Canada were part of the United States, then where would we dump our nuclear waste? Baghdad?

Arizona Cardinals

Given that a plurality of Zubazpants writers attended the State University of New York at Buffalo, I assume the majority of our readers are from Western New York. So I’m confident most will be familiar with referencing the Buffalo Sabres as a historically mediocre sports franchise (deal with it, folks).

They’ve reached the Stanley Cup finals only twice, the first time (1975) a generation apart from the second (1999). There was a string of first round playoff exits in the 1980’s and early 1990’s. A shaky fireworks salesman can count on one hand the number of Sabres in the Hall of Fame.

Like I said, it’s a mediocre franchise, at best. But the Buffalo Sabres are the New York Yankees compared to the Arizona Cardinals. (Let’s see those Page 2 bastards mix three sports in one metaphor. Hacks.)

Did I say “Arizona” Cardinals? I meant “Chicago” Cardinals (1920-1959). I mean, I meant “St. Louis” Cardinals (1960-1987). I mean, I meant “Phoenix” Cardinals (1988-Present).

Or maybe they should be called the Chicago/St. Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Vagabonds.

Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner draws up a play with offensive coordinator Keith Rowen

I could compare their winning percentage to the rest of the NFL. I could compare their winning percentage to historically mediocre franchises in other sports (Los Angeles Clippers, Tampa Bay Devil Rays). I think the following statistics speak more eloquently than entire volumes from the Bard.

Beginning with the year my father was born – 1949 – through the 2004 season, the Cardinals have 13 winning seasons. Since my birth in 1980, they’ve only had three.

The 1950’s: One winning season (1956)
The 1960’s: Four winning seasons (1963, 1964, 1966, 1968)
The 1970’s: Four winning seasons (1970, 1974, 1975, 1976)
The 1980’s: Two winning seasons (1983, 1984)
The 1990’s: One winning season (1998)
The 2000’s: Zero winning seasons

When Arizona made the playoffs after the 1998 as a wildcard, they faced Dallas at Texas Stadium. Much to the surprise of Arizona fans and the Lord Jesus Christ, the Cardinals scored 13 more points than the Cowboys, beating them 20-7.

The previous time they emerged victorious in a playoff game was during the first Truman administration 50 years prior.

The consequence of a Cardinals Super Bowl victory

Cardinals fans (all eight of you), you can find solace in the following fact, I guess. According to the team website, “The Cardinals, founded in 1898 and a charter member of the National Football League, hold the distinction of being the oldest continuously run professional football franchise in the nation.”

Man, they should put that on a T-shirt.

But what’s really frightening? The number of Cardinals in the Pro Football Hall of Fame is double the number of Buffalo Bills in the Hall.

*Sigh*

The U.S. Mint’s 50 State Quarter Program
The United States Mint conceived of the 50 State Quarter Program in 1999. Five states a year for 10 years authorize a design highlighting something special and/or unique about their respective state. Usually, the state would appoint a committee to sift through designs with a finalist selected by the governor.

Too bad nobody told the states to make good quarters.

The main problem is rather obvious after six years of execution. States fall into two broad categories – small (either in size or population) or large (usually with at least one dominant urban center surrounded by rural areas).

It’s not surprising the small states have churned out bland designs with obscure totems of intrastate pride and nothing cool or interesting. Whether it’s Rhode Island (a sailboat and a bridge), Maine (a lighthouse) or Alabama (Helen Keller) and most of the rest, the images are boring and sometimes barely make sense. (Why would Virginia use their quarter, released in 2000, to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the founding of Jamestown, which won’t take place until 2007?)

What else would Wisconsin use but cows? Andrew Bogut? Brett Favre’s empty pill bottle? Alice Cooper talking about Milwaukee in that scene from “Wayne’s World”?

For large states the quarters suffer from variations on the upstate/downstate split. California is a good example. The land of Los Angeles, Hollywood, the Golden Gate Bridge plus Silicon and Napa Valleys chooses what?

That’s right: none of the above.

Instead, Gov. Schwarzenegger (“Get ta da chopper! I mean Sacramento!”) selected naturalist John Muir and Yosemite Forrest. Why not Yogi Bear stealing Ranger Smith’s picnic basket? Or the automobile accident in Modesto that almost killed a teenage George Lucas? Or something even more obscure nobody thinks of when thinking about California?

Big state governors have to balance the politics of their obvious (usual urban) symbols with natural resentment of rural citizens at the urban dominance of state politics. The result is a bland, ineffectual quarter.

But don’t worry. I think South Dakota will get it right. I doubt they’d pick Tom Daschle or a cornfield over Mount Rushmore.

Maginot Line
“Well, that certainly was a bloody war, wasn’t it Marcel?”

“It certainly was, Jacques. How many of us did the Kaiser’s boys kill?”

“Oh, about 1.3 million.”

“Ooh. I need to eat some more cheese before I hear that again, Jacques.”

“Tell me about it, Marcel. What are we going to do about it? The last thing we need is another invasion 20 years from now.”

“I know. The destruction of my vineyards means I’ll only have four weeks vacation this year!”

“The fiends! We must do something about this!”

“But what Jacques? When they rush our trenches with their Teutonic fury, no force on Earth can hold them back!”

“The Americans can, Marcel.”

“True, but don’t tell them that.”

“Right. Besides I heard the high command has something up their sleeve.”

“Really, Jacques? What is it?”

“From what I hear, they propose to erect a series of harden bunkers along our border with Germany. The bunkers would be constantly manned and brisling with machine guns.”

“What a terrific idea. By gluing machine guns to big, scary pitchers’ mounds we’ll definitely be safe from German aggression.”

“Indeed.”

“But Jacques, what if they just go around them and attack through Belgium?”

“Oh Marcel, no German would ever be smart enough to figure that out.”

“You’re right. Well, time for bed. Am I pitcher or catcher tonight?”

“Catcher.”

“Yes, sir. Ow.”

Questions? Comments? Super Bowl bets? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com

Michael Lucinski works for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. He received a B.A. in Political Science from the University at Buffalo, where he was also an editor and columnist for the student newspaper, The Spectrum. She thinks I’m cuuuuuuute!.