“Every single Jedi is now an enemy of the Republic. Do what must be done. Do not hesitate. Show no mercy.”
- Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sidious/The Emperor, “Revenge of the Sith”

Man, 28 years just fly by, don’t they?

It’s been that long since the first Star Wars film, “Episode IV: A New Hope,” debuted on 32 movie screens across the nation in 1977. Most people visiting this website weren’t alive at that time. There will be time for reflection on what the six films mean to the industry and to multiple generations of American children (boys mostly). But that’s a column for another time. Look for it the week of May 16. Mark your calendars, damn it!

This installment of, uh, Mike’s Column (I guess) is dedicated to attempting to unravel the web of dangling plot points and inconsistencies raised by “The Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the Clones.” Good thing I have all five films on DVD, bags of Doritos … and no girlfriend.

*Sigh*

Anyway, going into “The Phantom Menace,” all fans had a rough sketch in their heads of what the movies would look like and what questions needed to be answered. What were the Clone Wars? What caused Anakin Skywalker to fall? How did the Jedi manage to disappear from the galaxy without so much consternation? How did the Emperor manage to pervert the Republic into the Empire?

Over six years we’ve received a lot of answers … but many more questions. And unfortunately, the prequels confuse, if not directly contradict, some of what was said in the classic trilogy. To help prep you for the final “Star Wars” movie (*sniff*), let’s run down what we know, and what we need explained.

SPOILER WARNINGS: If you want to experience “Revenge of the Sith” as virgin as the new fallen snow, don’t read this. At the same, I won’t spoil anything. I’ve stayed away from spoiler material currently infesting bookstores nation-wide. Beyond the obvious plot turns (Darth Sidious is Chancellor Palpatine!), I know nothing and will reveal nothing.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

• Mace Windu: “You refer to prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. You believe it’s this boy?”
• A dying Qui-Gon Jinn calls Anakin the Chosen One

This has been a question since the very first teaser trailer in 1998. Two films haven’t shed any further light on this. Clearly, this is meant to give Anakin a power level greater than the other Jedi so it’s more plausible when he kills them all. Will we get a further explanation? I think so. It helps burnish the prequels’ credentials as part of the “Star Wars-as-modern-myth” meme.

• Anakin’s mother claims the boy has no father
This only came up in the initial exchange of dialogue on Tatooine, mainly because the two characters who discussed it (Qui-Gon and Shmi Skywalker) were subsequently killed in Episode I and II. Rumors bubbled up like your mom’s casserole that Anakin’s father would be revealed in “Sith” as a big surprise, a la “No, I am your father.” But I think that impulse was wisely quashed considering there’s only one character that could plausibly be Anakin’s father, and his name rhymes with “ovaltine.” Lucas has screwed up before, but making the Emperor Luke and Leia’s grandfather would be quite terrible.

• After being killed by Darth Maul, Qui-Gon’s body did not disappear.
Notice the dead Jedi in the arena on Geonosis in “Attack of the Clones” also do not disappear. Lucas (or an appointed flunky) said this will be explained in “Sith” My guess is this will have something to do with Anakin bringing balance to the Force and the Midi-Chlorians (see below).

• Midi-Chlorians. Why?
Grizzled, cranky comic book veteran John Byrne (no relation to Jim) related the time DC Comics tried to quantify Superman’s powers beyond the “yellow rays of the Sun” schtick. Was it electro magnetic fields? A sub-conscious control of Earth’s gravity? Twinkies and Hot Pockets? Eventually, the editors realized the best answer to the question “How does Superman fly?” is “He just does.” It’s magical, and any attempt to quantify to such a precise degree robs that magic. Midi-Chlorians do the same thing. “How do Jedi use the Force?” The correct answer: “They just do.” Should have left it alone, George.

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

• Obi-Wan discovers the clone army was ordered by Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas who died 10 years prior. Jango Fett tells Kenobi he was hired by a man named “Tyranus.”
Tyranus is Count Dooku’s Sith name, so that’s an easy one. But the Jedi Master is harder to figure out. Ten years ago places the order right around the events of “The Phantom Menace.” Perhaps this Sifo-Dyas was working for Sidious before his death. If this is explained, it’ll earn one or two lines of dialogue, at best.

• Mace Windu advises that the Jedi should inform the Republic Senate of their diminished ability to use the Force
This surprised me more than anything in “Clones.” It was mentioned once and then promptly forgotten. Yoda tells Mace that only the Dark Lord of the Sith knows of their weakness. Does that mean Sidious is causing it? Does this have something to do with Midi-Chlorians? How could one Sith Lord be more powerful than a council of Jedi Masters? This one needs explaining big time, and I’m guessing Palpatine will inform Anakin (and us) in-between Galactic Senate filibusters.

• After revealing the existence of Darth Sidious, Count Dooku asked Obi-Wan to join him and destroy the Sith.
This still confuses. Why would Dooku ask Obi-Wan to destroy the Sith when Dooku is a Sith? I think this was Lucas’ clumsy attempt at making the audience think Dooku was a misguided “political idealist” – and then the scene of him talking to Darth Sidious at the end was the big surprise. Ehhh, not quite George.

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

This is the film that will make a continuity cop’s head swell up like Arnold’s on the surface of Mars. Lucas – never the strongest continuity minded guy in the first place (Ever kiss your sister like that?) – has to make sure everything at the end of ROTS flows seamlessly into A New Hope. Some are easy. Anakin becomes Darth Vader. Yoda and Obi-Wan end up in seclusion on Dagobah and Tatooine, respectively. But questions remain …

• What happens to Count Dooku?

• Why do C-3PO and R2-D2 remember nothing about their former master, Anakin Skywalker?
C-3PO was built by Darth Vader for heavens sake! You think Threepio would make the connection of Anakin and Luke having the same last name and the fact he worked on the same moisture farm twice in 20 years! Lucas was quoted as saying this would be taken care of with one line of dialogue. I’ll assume it’s not “Hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete.”

• Does Anakin kill Jar Jar?
Despite the fervent hopes of fan boys everywhere, Producer Rick McCallum said Anakin doesn’t kill Jar Jar. Something about not scarring the psyche of young children with brutal Gungan dismemberment, I think. Pussy.

• What pushes Anakin over the edge?
The first two films established that Anakin harbors tremendous anger and fear of loss. “Anger, fear, aggression – the dark side are they,” Yoda tells Luke. Anakin meets two of the three criteria. In the trailers, Palpatine wants Anakin to spy on the Jedi, and the Jedi want Anakin to spy on Palpatine. But the Jedi won’t appoint him a Jedi Master, which ticks him off. Just because you don’t get that promotion at work, it doesn’t mean you kill everybody at the office, the U.S. Postal Service notwithstanding. Something else pushes him over the edge. I’m guessing it has something to do with Padme. Or spiders. Either way is good.

• Why do the Jedi die off, and nobody seems to care?
This is an issue where Lucas’ poor screen writing ability will likely fail the logic needed to service the film’s plot point requirements (see Anakin and Padme’s “love story”). Somehow, the citizens of the Republic no longer see the Jedi as protectors and heroes (if they ever did) and at least passively consent to their destruction. Whatever voodoo Palpatine uses to convince citizens Jedi=bad is likely something he uses on Anakin to convince him to kill his erstwhile friends and mentors.

• What is Padme’s final fate?
Her planet was invaded in Episode I. She survived two assassination attempts in Episode II. She’s married to Space Hitler. She’s not around in the original trilogy. Added all up, this bodes ill for Luke and Leia’s mother. She’s pregnant at the beginning of this film and it’s widely accepted that the twins will be born in this film. Again, I haven’t read the novelization or trade paperback, so I don’t know her fate definitively. I’m guessing it’s not a happy outcome, however.

• How does the film end?
Anakin becomes Darth Vader. The Jedi are all but extinct. The Republic is now the Empire. Yoda and Obi-Wan are in hiding on shit hole planets. Pretty depressing stuff, even more than “The Empire Strikes Back.” But most filmmakers – Lucas included – don’t want their films to serve as reminders for the audience to refill their Prozac subscriptions (Oliver Stone, maybe).

My guess? (Again, I don’t know any spoilers.) Lucas said he filmed an extra scene in Tunisia (Tatooine) for Episode III during primary filming for Episode II. The only way for “Sith” to end on even a semi-positive note is having Obi-Wan successfully hide Leia and Luke, planting the seeds for the Alliance’s ultimate victory and the redemption of Anakin. The final scene will probably be Obi-Wan handing the infant Luke to his aunt and uncle, and walking off into the twin sunsets of Tatooine as the John Williams score swells one last time. That’s what I think it should be, anyway.

Ultimately, my biggest fear going into “Sith” is that after one or two massive, exposition-heavy scenes from Palpatine revealing the details of his plot from the first two movies, we’re left with too many dangling plot threads from the prequels. But what about the classic trilogy? Do revelations in the new films contradict plot points in the old films? Let’s take a look …

Episode IV: A New Hope

• Luke Skywalker, living with his aunt and uncle (Anakin Skywalker’s stepbrother and stepsister in-law), grows up on his father’s home planet in relative anonymity.
The Imperial spy network must have fallen into disrepair the 20 years after “Sith.” How else could the Dark Lord of the Sith, with the resources of a galaxy-spanning Empire at his disposal, not know that a boy with his last name grew up with his relatives on his childhood planet? Perhaps he didn’t know he had a son? Then how could he tell Luke “I am your father” on Cloud City? See Episode V.

• R2-D2 flies around like Elroy Jetson during the adventure on Geonosis. He doesn’t on the Death Star. What’s the deal?
R2 got drunk and wandered into the wrong bar on Coruscant. A surly Bender unit rips off the rocket jets after Artoo hits on his girlfriend.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

• Obi-Wan Kenobi: “You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me.”
Last I checked Liam Neeson wasn’t a two-foot tall green Muppet who sounds like Fozzie Bear. I think Lucas weasels out of this because Yoda is shown teaching the Jedi kiddies in Episode II. Given Yoda’s age, it’s plausible he taught Obi-Wan when he was a wee lad.

• Darth Vader: “I am your father.”
One of the greatest moments in movie history. But how did Vader learn he had a son? Kinda spoiler material ahead. According to USA Today, Anakin doesn’t know Padme is pregnant. Obi-Wan hides the twins from their father. Before the original trilogy came out on DVD, the Emperor, via holographic communication, says to Vader “the son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.” Now, in the re-jiggered DVD version, the Emperor tells Vader the rebel who destroyed the Death Star is the son of Anakin Skywalker. “How is that possible?” Vader responds, confirming he didn’t know about the birth of his children.

Before I saw this change, I had always assumed Vader had figured out between Episodes IV and V that Luke was his son. Remember, when seeing the probe data revealing the rebel base on Hoth, Vader mentions Skywalker by name. Does he forget his own name? It’s possible, I suppose. What would happen to your memory if you fell into a pool of lava?

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

• When Obi-Wan met Anakin, Anakin was already a terrific pilot, Kenobi tells Luke.
When Obi-Wan met Anakin, the Tatooine slave was barely out of diapers, and certainly not a pilot. Again, Lucas slips out of this continuity flub with the Pod Race scene and Anakin’s destruction of the Trade Federation battle ship (“Spinning is a good trick.”).

The problem Lucas encounters is reconciling dialogue points like this with a generation of fans who’ve written the back story in their heads. If somebody asked you to plot out the prequels in 1998 based on what you knew from the original trilogy, it’d look a lot different from what ended up on screen. It was a tough circle for Lucas to square. That doesn’t absolve him of his failings (turning the Jedi into cold, emotionless bureaucrats is chief among them), but his was a difficult job to begin with.

• Leia, when asked by Luke, offers vague impressions of her mother.
The continuity cop siren wails real loud during this scene. How can Leia have even fleeting memories of her mother if they were separated when Leia was just an infant? As far as I know, Padme didn’t go into hiding on Alderaan with her daughter. My brother claims to remember things during his time in utero, but he’s an idiot (I’m kidding. I kid because I love). Rumors buzzed throughout the Internet that Natalie Portman shot scenes for the “Return of the Jedi” DVD, but thankfully that was false. I’m sure there will be some lame dialogue (“My children will always remember me, Obi-Wan”) that will “solve” this inconsistency.

• Vader learns he has a daughter during his final duel with Luke.
This was the one continuity inconsistency not caused by the prequels that always left me scratching my head. Since twins are born virtually at the same time, how could Vader know about his son, but not his daughter? Did he leave the room with his “It’s a boy!” cigars, get pushed into the nearest molten pit by Obi-Wan, and then Leia was born? This is one case where the prequel actually clears things up. Kinda spoiler alert again If Anakin doesn’t know Padme is pregnant, then he doesn’t know about any children until “Empire.” And since Leia’s last name is Organa, Vader doesn’t seem like a blithering idiot for not knowing. How he tortures her on the Death Star and not discover this through the Force, I leave alone.

•Luke sees a young Anakin Skywalker join the ghosts of Yoda and Obi-Wan during the celebration in the Ewok Village.
In the original version, it was Anakin-as-an-old-man that reappeared with the Jedi Masters. In the DVD version, now it’s Hayden Christensen looking creepy and surly. Lucas (or a flunky) said by saving Luke, Vader redeemed himself and his spirit reflected the last time he was a good person. Or something like that. Either way, it’s a highly unnecessary change in a long series of unnecessary changes in the original trilogy (“I don’t think I’m alone in the world imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first,” Ben Affleck tells Jay and Silent Bob.)

* Whew * That’s quite a long list. Please don’t interpret this list as cynical, disillusioned criticism. I recognize the flaws of Episode I and II and agree with all reasonable criticism about those films. George Lucas did not “rape my childhood,” as a number of drama queens argue about the special editions and the prequels. The prequels haven’t ruined the original trilogy for me, like others claim about themselves (I’m looking at you, Jenna Duggan Lay).

I think a lot of questions will be answered on May 19, but I’m afraid some big inconsistencies will remain. I haven’t even touched on the smaller, minor questions (Did Anakin really give his lightsaber to Obi-Wan to give to Luke? Are all the Storm Troopers still clones?). My brain can only take so much trivial inanity. After working in Washington, D.C for almost two years, a person’s “trivial inanity” tank tops off pretty fast.

As for May 19, I only have two words:

Faster, please.

Questions? Comments? How high is your Midi-Chlorian count? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com

Michael Lucinski works for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. He received a B.A. in Political Science from the University at Buffalo, where he was also an editor and columnist for the student newspaper, The Spectrum. He also writes reviews for Silver Bullet Comic Books. He always lets the Wookie win.