“Your guilty conscious may force you to vote Democratic, but secretly you long for cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king.”
– Sideshow Bob
Much to the consternation of dozens of Americans, the NHL officially shuttered its doors for the 2004-05 Season, though an actual game hadn’t been played since Tampa Bay won the cup in Game 7 against Calgary. To give you an idea how long ago that was, John Kerry actually thought he’d win the election and Jamie Foxx was still remembered primarily for “Wanda the Ugly Girl” from “In Living Color.”
I’m a fan of the middling variety; I like the NHL, but I can live without it. That casts me in a decidedly different light then the majority of American sports fans who care more about Susan Lucci winning a second Daytime Emmy than whether Illya Kosvalesticaki and Olaf Rama Lama Ding Dong can help the Calgary Flames get back to the finals. And just where in Alaska is Calgary?
The major stumbling block between labor and management was the imposition of a salary cup as part of a new Collective Bargaining Agreement. The NHL owners wanted a hard cap of $42.5 million while the union offered a soft cap of $49 million teams could exceed by as much as 10 percent twice over the six year agreement.
According to the NHL, clubs lost a combined $497 million over the two previous seasons, perhaps explaining why the NHL owners balked despite the relatively small difference of $6.5 million between the two sides. Over the life of the proposed agreement that money adds up when spread across each club every year. How could struggling southern franchises like the Chattanooga Tobacco Chaws and endangered Canadian franchises like the Yellowknife Seal Clubbers survive?
What is most perplexing to the 37 fans who care is the owners and players’ inability to make a deal that’s in their best interest to make. While I understand owners wanted to blow up a system that escalated player costs, they still need fans paying to attend and advertisers to pay for hawking their wares during televised games. An invisible sport ceases to be a relevant sport.
Of course, there is another large group of perpetually dissatisfied “players” constantly haggling and kibitzing with the “owners.” Of course I speak of the American people and the federal government; the Labor Brawl to End Them All. With the exception of that little tiff between the South and the Union awhile back, the two sides have settled on a mutually beneficial, if not harmonious, status quo.
But what would happen if the undesirable occurred and we lost the Constitution because Ted Kennedy used it as a bib at the South Capitol Street All You Can Eat Rib Joint? (“Where our specially reinforced chairs can handle the mass of your wallet and your girth!”)
What would the citizen’s proposal look like? How would the government’s counter offer shape up? If negotiations were held in Oklahoma, could people from Massachusetts find it on a map and show up? Will the president need a Cliff Notes version? Let’s find out.
Demands from the citizens :
1. Each citizen shall be paid not less than $9.15 per hour for each hour of labor performed regardless of how much time is spent surfing the Internet or smoking in the building’s vestibule.
2. After 21 years of citizenship, we reserve the right to offer our services to other countries for amounts of just compensation. We also reserve the right to avoid countries that smell or burn American flags every Thursday at Noon.
3. For every vote cast in federal, national and municipal elections, each citizen receives a signing bonus. Male citizens receive a copy of “Towel in the Dishwasher” – a tome that assists in how to not clean the house. Female citizens receive a copy of “That Mirror is Broken” – a self-help book that convinces them they are attractive, irregardless of how untrue that might be.
4. The California delegation demands a minimum of political scandals for entertainment and sketch comedy purposes, each labeled with the suffix “-Gate”. It’s preferable if the names of those involved rhyme with “penis,” “vagina” or “Clinton.”
5. Any future budget surplus must be spent on a pizza party to be held during work hours not before Noon and not after 4 p.m. Or weapons. Pizza parties or weapons.
6. Citizens reserve the right to request federal funds for parochial local purposes like bridge construction and starlight bat museums. Citizens also reserve the right to complain when the same occurs in other districts except theirs.
7. The hot chick/fat chick quota for each state shall be 2:1 by 2016 or each male citizen gets one guilt free “anything goes” weekend in Las Vegas. Should that quota be reached, all men 18 years of age and older must admit, yes, they are idiots.
Demands from the government:
1. The government reserves the right to trade citizens to other nations willing to make deals. The British have offered Ian McKellen and Ozzy Osborne for Morgan Freeman, Lars Ulrich and a third round draft pick in 2006.
2. All citizens will be shielded from harm at the hands of foreign governments and terrorist organizations. We’ll – we’ll do a better job of this. Promise.
3. Broadcast rights for all police chases, campus riots and beach nudity incidents belong to the government. Revenue will be shared with the American public in the form of Free Lollipop Day. Lollipops will be available at Federal Lollipop Distribution Centers in all 50 states and territories.
4. Any budget deficit/ budget debt incurred can be blamed on either Ronald Reagan or Osama bin Laden.
5. All citizens must keep in fighting trim in the event a military draft is necessary. And besides, you seriously need to lose some weight. Stop watching “Speed” for the tenth time and jog around the block.
6. Members of the House of Representatives get a guaranteed 95 percent re-election rate. Members of the Senate get a 75 percent rate. Citizens receive T-shirt that says, “I voted in the election, and all I received was a crushing sense of cynicism and despair.”
7. The population of the United States shall be capped at no more than 350 million. Once the population reaches this level, moats will be dug at the northern and southern borders to keep out dirty foreigners. Should the number still exceed 350 million, an appropriate number of Americans will be deported, starting with the fattest and smelliest.
This seems like a good deal to me. Where do I sign?
Questions? Comments? Points of order? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com
Michael Lucinski works for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. He received a B.A. in Political Science from the University at Buffalo, where he was also an editor and columnist for the student newspaper, The Spectrum. He also writes reviews for Silver Bullet Comic Books. His pants fit just fine, thank you.
