“It’s fun to shoot some people. I’ll be right upfront with you. I like brawling.” Lt. Gen. James N. Matts, USMC

“24” began its fourth season on FOX last month. For the uninitiated, “24” follows a day in the life of federal agent Jack Bauer (played by Kiefer Sutherland) as he foils attacks against the United States. Each episode is filmed in real time, one hour per episode. Twenty four hours, 24 episodes. Simple.

Bauer has faced such varied challenges as an attempted assassination of a presidential candidate, a nuclear weapon smuggled into Los Angeles and a deadly viral outbreak. Jack is the series greatest asset, pinballing from crisis to crisis with the velocity of a roadrunner on crack.

In the first four episodes this season, Jack shot a terror suspect in the leg, disobeyed his boss (multiple times), watched his partner get shot dead, staged a fake gas station stick up to detain another terrorist suspect and chased after the terrorists who kidnapped the secretary of defense and his daughter, Jack’s new girlfriend. At times, he’s completely unhinged, more suited as a mental patient than federal agent. He’s always driving his SUV and always yelling.

Whew. I’m tired just typing that. Though I’d get tired if I was a policeman chasing a duck who stole my badge.
(Simpsons reference: 1, Star Wars reference:0)

Jack is a great character because he jumps into any situation with reckless abandon, jumps in “feet first,” if you will. He’s an American cowboy minus the ten-gallon hat and accent. Also, the war is portrayed relatively black and white: Muslim terrorists = bad, federal agents/American soldiers = good.

As things stand this season, the enemy possesses a device that allows for remote control of American power plants. I guess that means stay far away from Springfield.
(Simpsons reference: 2, Star Wars reference:0)

But what will next season bring (assuming Jack survives this season)?

In a world exclusive, ZubazPants.com gives you a preview of the fifth season of “24.”

Jack Bauer voiceover: Previously on “24”

(The president, in the White House, begins his day with matters of state.)
President: (Slam!) Fit, damn it, fit!

Chief of Staff: Sir, that’s a corner piece. It doesn’t go in the center.

President: I just want to see the unicorn! (Slam!)
(Spills grape juice)
President: No! My lucky suit!

Secret Service Agent: (Into his radio) Baby spilled his bottle! Baby spilled his bottle!

President: Get me Jack Bauer!

(Jack is driving around Washington, D.C. in his SUV)
Jack Bauer:(Talking on his cell phone) No, Kim, the bunny rabbit goes through the knot hole. Yes honey, you need to learn this. We threw out your Velcro sneakers when you turned 21. Uh, my other line is ringing. (Click.) Yes? Oh, my God. I’ll be at headquarters in five minutes.

(Jack arrives at the Counter Terrorism Unit headquarters)
Counter-Terrorism Unit Director: We need to find a dry cleaner for POTUS fast! The Red Sox are coming today! Without his lucky suit, the Curse of the Bambino will be trapped in the White House for the next 80 years!

Jack: Damn it!

CTU Director: Jack, I need you to drive around D.C. looking for an English-speaking dry cleaner! People who speak foreign languages might work for al Qaeda.

Jack: Okay. I’ll need Season Five Suspicious Backstabber to work the computers and the necessary Mapquest work and feed the directions to me.

Season Five Suspicious Backstabber: Sure. Whatever.

Jack: (in car, on cell phone) Season Five Suspicious Backstabber, I need those directions! Where are you?

SFSB: (looking at computer screen) Man, Bill Simmons is an ass.

Jack: Damn it!

The following takes place between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m.

Jack: Season Five Suspicious Backstabber, where are you! I’m stuck in the Dupont traffic circle!

SFSB: (Leaning back in his chair, feet on the desk, drinking a Snapple) My browser is stuck on ESPN Page 2. I can’t log out.

Jack: There’s a shop at the corner of K and 17. It’s run by Canadians. They kinda speak English so they’ll do. I need to get there!

SFSB: (Filing his nails with an emery board) I wish I could help you.

Jack: I’m gonna head Southeast on Connecticut Avenue.

SFSB: No! The possibility of successfully navigating a traffic circle is approximately 3,720 to 1!

Jack: Never tell me the odds!
(Simpsons’ reference: 2, Star Wars reference: 1)
(Jack pulls in front of an old lady driving a Gremlin. She serves, crashing into a Salvation Army truck, promptly bursting into flames.)

Jack: I’m out!

SFSB: What?! I mean, good…

Jack: Put me through to Director Raines. (Click) Audrey, it’s Jack.

Audrey: Jack, we’ve got some bad news. The grape juice wasn’t an accident.

Jack: What do you mean?

Audrey: Some fingerprints lifted from the glass do not correspond with any known White House personnel. We even checked the known homosexual employees at OEOB. Since the glass had Vaseline on it, we figure male homosexuals use such lubricants on their sweaty man-cocks.

Jack Bauer: Jesus Christ, what’s the purpose of all this?

Audrey: Don’t you see, Jack? By ruining his suit and staining the White House with the Curse, the Islamofascists will destabilize our government for decades, undermining our war effort, which will eventually lead to the re-establishment of the Muslim caliphate across three continents.

Jack: Damn it! They have inside help, don’t they?

Audrey: We think it’s Season Five Suspicious Backstabber.

Jack: How did he get through security screening?

Audrey: He was hired through the Career Placement Office at the University at Buffalo.

Jack: Somehow I knew that city would be the death of me. BUFFALO! (BANG!) Oh, no, a flat tire!

Audrey: Take to a shop. We need that suit cleaned!

Jack: I can’t. All the shops are closed. It’s a union holiday!

Audrey: What holiday?

Jack: Friday. Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.
(Yanks the SUV across two lanes of traffic. Hops curb, strikes and kills lobbyist. Nobody notices. Runs into 7-11.)
Jack: (Fires gun into ceiling) I’m a federal agent, nobody panic! I have a hole to patch in my tire! I need all your Bubble Yum!

Clerk: We have none! And we’ve called the police! And you don’t need to yell!
(Sirens in the distance)

Jack: Hmmm, I didn’t think you’d do that. And yes I do need to yell! It’s in the script! (Phone rings) What!

Audrey: Jack, there’s an A.P.B. for your arrest.

Jack: I know!

Audrey: And your house just burned down.

Jack: Damn it !

Audrey: And your daughter is pregnant.

Jack: Who’s the father?

Audrey: Bill Clinton.

Jack: Noooooooooooo! I give up! I surrender! Screw the president’s suit!
(Shuts phone Audrey: Jack? Jack!

8:59:58
8:59:59
9:00:00

Questions, comments, dry cleaning? E-mail me at mlucinski@yahoo.com

Michael Lucinski works for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. He received a B.A. in Political Science from the University at Buffalo, where he was also an editor and columnist for the student newspaper, The Spectrum. He also writes reviews for Silver Bullet Comic Books. He spins his web any size.