Ahhhhhh, college.

Whoever said it would be the greatest four years of my life wasn’t kidding. Those four years gave me some of the best memories and good times I have ever had, and probably will ever have. From what I can remember through the haze of all the drunken and high nights, those four years will never be matched.

It’s sad to know that my life has peaked.

Considering it has provided so much for me in the past, I thought I would do something in return. Which brings me to this. This article is dedicated to college and all the great things associated with it, particularly the smaller things that make college great, and usually get overlooked for being so damn cool. So here, I will discuss the simple pleasures of college that make college as great as it is, and make those four years the best years of a student’s life.

Drinking Games
I considered putting simply beer as a pleasure, but that was too simple. So I broke it down a little. Now, what’s a better way to get drunk than to do it while kicking someone’s ass in a competition?

Easy question, there isn’t.

You drink more, get drunk faster, its more fun, its active, and of course there’s bragging rights. You can even do victory dances, and there is nothing better than that. Drinking couldn’t be any better. Some of my favorite drinking games are:

Beer Pong - If you don’t know what beer pong is you are a loser that needs to get out more. Go kill yourself Captain No-Pussy.

Survivor Flipcup - I’m sure you know what flipcup is, but this kind involves the losing team votes off one of their players every round. However, that player’s cup stays and the team must compensate by drinking and flipping extra cups. The game goes until a team is totally eliminated. As you can imagine the last man standing on the losing team has their work cut out for them and usually ends up seeing what they ate for dinner soon after the game ends.

Asshole - I’m sure everyone has played this. Basically its just a card game where everyone wants to unload their cards first, with that person being the winner and receiving all sorts of liberties. However, people always have different rules, which makes this game a catastrophic train wreck most of the time.

Power Hour - One shot of beer every minute for an hour. Easier said than done for some people. Truly a great accomplishment as its about 8 beers in an hour. But once you finish, you’re drunk as hell and not too far from dancing like a Teletubby around the house.

Edward 40 Hands - Duct tape 40’s into each of your hands and let the good times roll. This is a great challenge because you can’t use your hands until you finish your 40’s. Can’t answer your phone. Can’t change the channel. Can’t go to the bathroom. The ultimate test, which makes you drink two 40’s as fast as possible, which leaves you wasted very quickly. My record is 47 minutes.

Vending Machines
Considering you don’t live at home anymore, Mom is no longer around to make food for you, which may be one of the worst aspects of college. But us students must eat somehow. You could always woo some girl into doing it, but more or less vending machines are college’s answer to a five-course meal, and are probably closer to you than your communal bathroom as they are scattered all across campus.

Start with some chips, move to a candy bar, get a microwaveable hot pocket, wash it all down with a Pepsi, and finish it off with an ice cream bar. And all for under $5. What a meal. Delicious and economical.

Not the healthiest meal, but who cares, its college. The food pyramid is overrated anyways. Nine to eleven servings of breads? Bull shit. This pyramid is obviously some corporate scam created by Wonder Bread. No Mom? No problem.

Freshman Girls
Oh yeah. These girls are young, dumb, pure and impressionable. What’s even better is that they are finally independent and free from the restrictions and influence of their parents, thus they are ready to unleash and enjoy the real world and experiment a little.

And by experiment I mean be sluts.

These girls are fair game, and quite easy. Break out fake names, fake pasts, fake everything, as they will believe just about anything. If you want sex, these are your easiest targets. Just watch out for every other guy who realizes this, as they won’t hesitate to cockblock. And I know using condoms is as cool as liking Ashlee Simpson, but wrap it up with these girls, because you never know how many guys got to their nookie before you. And make sure to act quick, the freshman 15 is right around the corner, so get me while they’re skinny.

Quarters
Finally, a reason to save our change.

The quarter probably has more uses in college than any other single thing. First, it lets you do the basics of college living with our laundry, and providing delicious meals at vending machines.

But what’s even better is how they help with ones social life. Quarters are used in numerous drinking games, and for many bar games, like darts and pool, providing us with hours of inebriation and entertainment. But the definitive reason quarters are so handy is in the bar bathroom. Yes that’s right, the place where your drunken ass goes to buy a condom out of the dispenser to take home some even drunker whore.

For only two quarters you get to take some girl home to jackhammer instead of going home alone and rubbing one out as you watch porn on your computer, and then cry yourself to sleep for being such a loser. Who knew quarters could be so useful?

Fake Id’s
This is the absolute key to a quality social life. Fake ID’s create the gateway to real partying. Its what gives you dancing, girls on bars, shots, grabbing girls asses as they walk by and blaming it on someone else, drink specials, making fun of ‘that guy,’ cockblocking random guys, and feeling up girls on the dance floor. Truly all of which are the epitome of an amazing college life. Now there are typically four kinds of ID’s. Some of which work better than others.

1) The chalked ID -- This kind is like having a retarded kid. It’s not exactly what you wanted, but one you’re sometimes stuck with, so you give it a shot and hope for the best.

Basically it’s the ID you use when you having nothing else available. This is simply using colored pencils to change your birthday on your license. More or less, this is the worst kind of fake ID as you can just wipe the colored pencil off, and I’m sure your artistic ability isn’t as good as you think it is, making it easy to spot. This only works for hole in the wall bars that take advantage of underage people.

2) A found ID -- This is the kind that you find on the floor somewhere or it’s a friend of a friend of a friend, and you are convinced that the person looks like you. Well newsflash botard, they don’t look like you and you’re an idiot. The only places they work are similar to that of people with chalked ids.

3) Get one made -- This tends to work much better. Basically have someone you know, or some shady ass guy who’s going nowhere in life charge you $50 and make you an ID from scratch, with the information of your choice. Hell you can make yourself a 30 year old named Tito Santana from Alaska if you want; it’s all up to you. These tend to work pretty well, except they need to be perfect. Any imperfection is a dead giveaway that it’s fake.

4) Use your older brother or sisters ID -- This usually works the best. I mean, you look like your sibling, and it’s easy to remember all the information about them in case you get quizzed at the door. Consider yourself lucky if you fall into this category as the gateway to college euphoria is through your genetics.

Fake ID’s are the worlds greatest invention

Frat Parties
Before there were bars there were frat parties. Now these things are classic. Throw about 400 people in the smallest houses possible, serve people alcohol that tastes like it was brewed from a bowel movement of Lucifer with a hint of roofies, add in a few drinking games and you have yourself a quality night.

And all for the lovely price of $5.

Of course once the alcohol starts flowing into our veins, our libido starts pumping and guys want ass. But thanks to the roofies in the beer, and the frat guys stalking girls into coming, there are plenty of intoxicated girls just waiting to be taken advantage of and willing to spread their legs to satisfy our erections. Fake names and bad pick up lines are the best for situations like this since we all know we wont see these people again, and people are too drunk to realize. And you don’t even have to dress up for these parties like you would if you were going to a bar. What’s better than that? Alcohol + roofies + intoxicated girls = good times.

lol
Instant Message is the communication mother load for the college life. And I’m not talking about keeping in touch with your friends from home, or talking to your friends across campus. I am talking about pimping it to girls over IM. Don’t act like you haven’t done it, we’ve all done it at least once. Working it to a girl over IM is much easier than doing it in person, especially for one reason in particular. You can say whatever you want, and not have to worry about it, because there’s always the ‘lol’ safety net. You say something stupid, you can always back it up with lol, and all of a sudden your stupid, ‘went to far’ comment turns into a joke.

Rassle21: whats up baby girl, want to come over and suck on my balls?

(crickets start to chirp)

3 minutes pass

Rassle21: lol!!!!
AP0016: hahahahaha (sigh of relief)

It’s as easy as that. Much easier than doing it in person since those awkward moments can’t be avoided face to face. So if you’re too much of a pussy to talk to a girl in person, IM is your thing. As long as you aren’t too much of a pansy whiskerbiscuit to get her screen name, once you mastered typing lol, you are good to go. Instant Message and lol are you and your boner’s new best friend.

Hoodies
Hoodies may in fact be the best invention in the whole wide world, as in college, the hoody will encompass 85 percent of your wardrobe.

In every situation a hoody will be worn. To class, while drinking, going to the store, maybe even while getting head. You seriously wear it everywhere. On almost every day of the week, a college kid will wear a hoody.

It's also a great coverup if you didn't shower that day. Throw one of these bad boys on and magically you have nothing to worry about, and no one will notice. And so what if it isn't the most fashionable thing to wear, it's just so easy and so comfortable. I mean come on, 100 percent cotton and it has pockets! I dont think it could be any more comfortable unless it was made out of velvet.

Finally, being unshowered and being dressed like you just woke up is socially acceptable.

People who buy shots
You have got to love these people and their bottomless generosity. These are the greatest people in the world. If you see them at a bar, stick around them because you know free shots are coming your way. And what’s better than taking free shots at the bar? Not very much.

Getting wasted on someone else’s tab? Bottoms up.

Stick around this guy with the bottle. He is key to a cheap, yet wasted night.

Towels
This isn’t something you would normally think of, but it truly is a great pleasure of college. If it wasn’t for towels, I bet 90 percent of people reading this would have gotten busted for smoking in their dorm room. You know that every time you smoke the first thing you did was towel the door, because lord knows when you’re high you are paranoid and don’t want to get caught.

Even though it didn’t help as much as you thought it did, it still helped to keep the smoke in the room so the RA couldn’t find out and go apeshit on you. Last thing you need is the campus police knocking on your door. With regards to a college kids smoking habits, towels are just as essential as the deadbeat drug dealer that over charged you and sold you stems and seeds.

Late Classes
One of the best things about college is not having early classes like High School. Finally, we get what we always want of out of school, sleeping in. No longer do we have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to learn. We can get drunk on weeknights, and then we can waste the day and wake up whenever we want, do not a Goddamn thing, and go to class in the afternoon. It doesn’t get much nicer than that. And night classes? Even better. You have the whole day off to do nothing but play Madden, smoke with your roommates, work off your hangover and be lazy, just to go to class at night. The exact opposite of High School. Now that’s quality.

No longer do you have to fall asleep in class thanks to late classes. This class must have been early.

Whiskey Dick
Any man that says he hasn’t had a time or two where he finished in less than three minutes is a damn lie. Its happened to everyone, and many girls have been very disappointed.

But finally, there’s a cure to blowing your load too early. This may be the best benefit of alcohol of all time. Get some alcohol in you and you can lay the pipe for hours, for seemingly multiple sessions. Simply amazing. For all you girls who bitch about guys finishing too early, get ready for an hour of getting railed tonight, and boy will that hour be glorious for us guys. Don’t you spoil it for us by going dry you selfish ho. Lasting a long time is quite possibly one of the proudest moments for a man, so sit back, take advantage and go tell your friends tomorrow. No longer do we have to walk with our tail between our legs. We can walk with our heads held high, our reputations for a stallion even higher, and leaving you girls walking all bowlegged.

Halloween
I never thought that Halloween would be more fun in college than when I was eight years old. This may be the greatest night of the year. But not because of the bars and parties you go to, but for the costumes.

First you and all your friends see who can dress more ridiculous with the more ridiculous costumes the better of course. But it’s ok because you’re so drunk and high that it’s acceptable, and it will make for a mindfuck for you, and makes the night much more fun.

But what’s even better, all the girls become sluts. Every girl uses Halloween as an excuse to dress and act slutty. No matter what their costume is, it’s either slutty, or naughty. They will even call them selves that. They are always a naughty nurse, a naughty cowgirl, a slutty devil, and even slutty angels.

Now how ironic is that? A slutty angel?

They can’t just be devils, or cowgirls; they have to be slutty and naughty ones. Out comes the cleavage, the sexy clothes, even fishnets. But hey, that’s what makes this a pleasure of college. Not only do you get to look like a complete tool for a night, but all the girls around you are both naughty and slutty at the same time. Now it doesn’t get better than that.

Trick or treat indeed.

A slutty nurse and a naughty soldier. I love you Halloween

Beer Goggles
OK don’t lie, we’ve all had hookups with nasty people we regret. They aren’t our proudest moments, but when it’s going on and the lights are off, it’s a great time.

So what if the girl looks like something that you scrapped off your shoe in the morning?

It’s all about living for the moment, and beer goggles help you see every person of the opposite sex as amazing. Even though you may wake up and see this butch person next to you, leaving you thinking the apocalypse is coming, Beer Goggles allow you to have some great nights, with some not so great girls.

Besides, it’s the ugly girls that are better in bed because they compensate for being so ugly. These are the kinds of girls that will go the extra yard to be so good that your ankles will sweat during sex. Get ready for a great time, just do it with the lights off and don’t tell anyone. Dignity is only a seven-letter word anyways. And of course, ugly sex is better than no sex. Right?

Imagine what this girl is capable of

Red Solo Cups
And last but not least, this is the easiest and most anticlimactic choice for the No. 1 simple pleasure of college. In almost every drinking situation, these red cups are used. Frat Parties, Beer Pong, Flip Cup, Mixed drinks, and even when it’s the closest thing to puke in when you are wasted. Take a look at all your college pictures, I bet these cups are in half of the pictures. They became and appendage by my senior year. These red cups are the new black, and are a staple in the college drinking life.

Check out the red cups of ecstasy.

So there you have it. I am sure I forgot several simple pleasures of college, of which I would love to hear some ones I forgot, just email me, but these are some classic ones that truly make college amazing. Some more important than others, but when combined, they create a classic force that makes college the four best years of your life. I only wish I could do it all over again.

Viva la college.

Questions? Comments? lol? If so, email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com.

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