Considering how extraordinarily popular I am, over the years I have had a lot of friends. Maybe its because how cool I am, or maybe because people feel bad for me, or maybe its because I drive a really, really cool Neon with a missing hubcap.

The world may never know.

But either way, some have lasted, some have been left behind, and I am sure I have even totally forgotten about many others. For one reason or another, friends come and go as frequently as a $2 hood-rat hoochie mamas. But what I find the most interesting is exactly how friendships end, because people don’t just wake up and decide, “you know what, I don’t want to be his friend anymore”. There is always some sort of story behind a friendship breakup.

Maybe one person just decided to stop being friends with someone because he just didn’t like his friend anymore. Maybe one friend got too cool for the other guy. Maybe one friend did something really shady. Or maybe one friend didn’t like it when you asked him to jiggle your balls. It has to be something of the sort.

It’s these situations that I find to be the most interesting. I know all of you have had friends come and go just as often as me. And I am sure you have your stories as to why or why not these friendships have come to a screeching halt. But today my fans, I am going to share with you some stories about some of my friendships that have gone horribly awry.

Brad

It was 7th grade, and my friend for this story was Brad. At the time of this story, he was actually a quite unpopular kid because of some birth problem that made him walk like a duck. People were real mean to this kid and even called him Duckman. It wasn’t pretty for him.

So in lunch with my friends, on a bet for some HoHos, I had to go sit with him for the entire period. Soon enough, like some kind of teenybopper movie, we actually became friends and started to hang out all the time and had some great times.

Here is Duckman, who my friend was named after. Oddly enough he looked just like this cartoon.

My girlfriend at the time was Andrea. The only thing you really need to know about her is that she had some big ass tits for being 13. I’m talking huge. Considering I was going through puberty, these monstrous funbags put me in mammary ecstasy. Anyways, we were pretty serious for 7th grade. I mean we were actually kissing in the hallways. Now for 7th grade, that’s basically sex. Soon enough I would get to touch the glorious boobies. Needless to say, nothing could come between us, as I sure as Hell wasn’t dumping what’s her name and those succulent knockers.

Or so I thought.

One Saturday afternoon I was just sitting there watching Assault on American Gladiators, when she calls me and starts bitching at me and calls me a liar. I didn’t know what the Hell was going on, all I knew was I was missing friggin’ American Gladiators. She starts saying some crap like “I can’t trust you, you lied to me, I can’t believe you, I don’t understand, I thought you liked me,” I don’t know, all I heard was blah, blah blah as I tend to not listen too much when girls talk. Either way, all I knew was she was pissed at me, and I had no clue why.

What a way to ruin my favorite Saturday Morning TV show

Finally, after her crazy ass calmed down, I got her to explain to me what her big hootered ass was talking about. It is here that she told me that Brad called her and told all kinds of bogus shit. First, he told her that I don’t like her anymore and that I don’t want to go out with her anymore, then, he told her that I lie to her all the time about where I am, and that I avoid her because I don’t like kissing her.

Yes, my best friend at the time told my girlfriend all of this. That last one really got me because if you know me, I am pretty easy and lack most morals. Not wanting to kiss? Yeah right, I had a boner 22 hours a day because I couldn’t wait until the day I got to touch her boobs, let alone being afraid to kiss her.

You see, like a scene out of There’s Something about Mary, little did I know that my best friend wanted my girlfriend, so he told her all of those lies so that she would dump me and get with him. Slick move dick. Real slick.

And of course, considering she is a girl, she was irrational, jumped to conclusions and believed him, and never gave me a chance to explain. This inevitably led her to never trusting me again, and eventually to our breakup, all because of my friend’s lies.

And to answer your question, yes she did end up going out with Brad, the bastard. I hope you get genital warts and die Duckman. See you in Hell.

And I refuse to eat HoHos to this day.

Damn you Ho Hos. Damn you.

And to make matters worse, I never got to touch her boobs. I miss you Andrea’s boobs. I can only imagine how you’ve grown over the years. Take care.

Ryan

My friend this time is Ryan Lynn, aka Boobs (because he had man breasts). While I am talking about him, let me inform all of you that he also created his own nickname for himself named Chipp (yes with two p’s because obviously it’s much cooler that way) and tried to get us all to call him that.

Yeah right Boobs, that shit doesn’t fly with anyone. The most ridiculous part is that even though everyone called him Boobs and not Chipp, he put that in the senior yearbook as his name. Yeah man, what a way to be remembered. That’s almost as bad as the kid in my school who stuck his finger in his teammates ass in wrestling practice (not kidding).

Piece of advice: Do not be that guy who creates his own nickname. It won’t catch on, people will laugh at you. You are a tool.

Anyways, at this point in 8th grade he was dating my best girl friend at the time, Heather, which I had grown up with my whole life. They were a cute couple let me tell you. They were actually ‘the’ couple at the time, as they were the most popular couple in the whole school. Match made in friggin’ heaven.

Anyways, one weekend night my friend was having a party at her house. And by an 8th grade party, I mean cheetos, pretzels, Pepsi, and….

Spin the Bottle.

No prepubescent party was complete without it. And of course, since all of us young kids were tired of watching scrambled porn, we were all ready for some real action. Everyone get your cootie shot, because this night was going to be a saliva-swapping orgy of a night, and what a night it was going to be.

Soon enough, we got the ketchup bottle out and everyone was kissing everyone. There was about eight guys with squeaky voices hiding their boners making out with eight girls in training bras, more than likely all hoping the bottle landed on me of course. The only worry in the world was hoping that no ones braces would get stuck together.

Turns out a problem was in the making when Ryan and Heather joined the promiscuous activities. This would prove to be a big mistake letting the couple play.

This is when it happened. I had to kiss his Heather. I know that may be awkward, considering I was kissing my best girl friend in front of my best guy friend, but hey, those are the rules. Besides, she was my best girlfriend, if anyone is ok to kiss her, it should have been me.

Well, Ryan didn’t see it the same way. That motherfucker flipped out on Heather and me like we had just sodomized his mom. For real Boobs, what the fuck did you expect, its fucking spin the bottle!!! Did you want me to kiss her hand? Retard.

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.

Anyways, he went into a jealous rage saying how we seemed so excited to kiss each other that my friendship and her relationship with him obviously meant nothing. He discovered what he believed was some big scam all along; Heather and I were in cahoots working him to get to each other. What an idiot. Heather was so offended, she dumped him right there and tried to get me to show her what a real man was made out of. Well not really. But because of that, Ryan flipped out and started to walk home. When one of my other friends tried to stop him, Ryan punched him out. Ohweee there’s nothing worse than some Boobies scorned.

Here is a reenactment of our spin the bottle game. You can see Ryan and Heather canoodling in the background. However, in this game, this crazy Asian kid landed on himself, meaning he had to sodomize himself in front of everyone. Sorry buddy, those are the rules.

From here one of the most bizarre sequence of events in the history of parties ever happened. First, Kelley Marcano, who is a best friend of mine, turned on me. He gets up and yells one of the cruelest thing ever at me. “You are such a jerk!!” he yells and throws a bowl of cheetos at me. Never believe the old saying, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ That really hurt. I still need counseling to this day because of those spiteful words.

Here is Kelley. From cheeto thrower to God’s gift to women.

So, because of this kiss, so far I have broken up a relationship, gotten one friend beat up, and caused one ginormous cheeto chaos. The only logical and rational thing to happen from here of course was to have the rest of the party turned on me. Soon enough, that’s what happened. Everyone hated me, and let me know it by calling me a few 8th grade names like dingleberry and meanieface. God, kids can be cruel.

But then the inconceivable happened. I still can’t believe it to this day. The whole party was so upset over what had happened, that everyone started to cry. Literally. I’m talking about 15 people in one room huddled together on the floor and crying like little bitches as if their dog just friggin’ died. It was the most ridiculous thing I had EVER seen. There I am, chilling listening to my President of the United States of America CD when every other person there hates me and is crying over this unfathomable thing I did. Un-friggin-believable.

Come on assholes, it was friggin’ spin the bottle!!!!

Eventually I said fuck all of you guys and walked out. I couldn’t believe what was going on around me. Even though me and him are still friends to this very day, Ryan still hold this against me, and things have never been the same again. All because of a meaningless peck during spin the bottle. Damn, I wish we were working ‘Chipp,’ at least then I could have gotten some action out of this friendship massacre.

Lesson learned: Never play spin the bottle again.

Andrew

For many years, one of my best friends of all time was Chad Schmitt, but, he is a story for another paragraph. First, I want to tell you about his other best friend, Andrew. Now Andrew and I were friends basically only because of Chad being a common denominator between us. But either way we were friends nonetheless.

However, there was one major problem between us, he was in love with the girl I was currently dating, Stephanie. He was always jealous of me for dating this girl. And who can blame him, this girl was the ‘it’ girl of 8th grade (yeah 8th grade was a bad year for me with friends). She was hot, amazing body, and cool as hell. Plus her parents always went away so we had a lot of make out sessions. Who could blame him for being jealous? Somehow (probably because I am the most notorious panty-dropper on the Eastern Seaport), I landed this girl who was more than likely out of my league.

This is my area. I am the most notorious panty dropper in all the land.

But we worked around this potential disaster of a situation, and we stayed friends even though he liked her, we just avoided the situation. But then I started to hear some rumors.

My current best friend, and fellow Zubaz writer Russell Gilbert calls me up and tells me the following:

“Ian man, I have some bad news. I heard that Steph is going to dump you next Saturday and go out with Drew. She has it all planned out.”

This is Russ comparing noses with a statue. What a great friend.

I was fucking livid. Who the hell plans this kind of shit out? This cant be serious. . . Can it?

I call up both Drew and Steph and call them out on the situation. Yet of course, both denied it up and down, and damn near convinced me that I should be in a padded room somewhere for acting so crazy. Considering it was my friend and girlfriend, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and believed them.

Big Mistake.

Wouldn’t you know it, but exactly seven days later on Saturday, the Bitch dumped me and got with Drew on the same day. I was ready to kill them both.

After going apeshit on Stephanie, calling her all kinds of names and talking all kinds of shit, I got over it quick because she was out of my league and I was just happy I had a run with her. Fate had caught up to me. I really couldn’t complain, it was just a matter of time before she dropped my ass anyways.

But it was Drew that I was really mad at. I mean he was my friggin’ friend, and it was now time to go address Drew’s bitch ass. Eventually I found him at Chad’s house and laid into him real hard. For eighth grade I used some pretty intense words, I mean I was actually swearing and calling him some horrible things. I had snapped on him.

But I think I struck a chord in him because then he snapped. He attacked me. Before I forget, let me tell you that he was the classic kid in 8th grade that had a 12th grade body. This fucker soared through puberty years before anyone else even had their first ball hair. So needless to say he had quite an advantage.

Soon enough he is running a train on me, and kicking my ass in the middle of Chad’s living room. And because that bitch is just too big for me to do anything, I was getting my ass whooped almost as bad as my articles do to Paul Feuer’s articles. I needed to think fast if I was going to get out of this in one piece.

With both my hands, I struggled to find anything I could use to fight him off. And then I found my weapon of choice. I reached up onto the windowsill, grabbed a ceramic flowerpot, and smashed him over the head with it. Ceramic pieces, dirt and flower went flying everywhere. He was rendered helpless and I pushed him off of me.

Here is n replica flowerpot that I smashed over Drew’s head. Take that Bitch.

I got up and stood over him victorious. He may have turned his back on our friendship and got my girlfriend, But I got the last laugh. I had reigned supreme.

Chad Schmitt

This story still leaves me fired up to this day. I hate this kid and would love to beat him with a baseball bat. For year upon years he was my best friend. We were inseparable. We did everything together and had some great times together. He really was my honest to goodness best friend for many years.

I overlooked the fact that he smelt somewhat funny causing people to call him ‘Chad Shit,’ and had a gigantic mole on his face shaped like the state of Florida. I’m talking huge though. It was like he was some creature out of Greek mythology, half man, half mole. But none of this mattered because him and I were just great friends. He was even the guy that introduced me to Stephanie from the previous story. Good guy, better friend.

However his mom had some bad news for u that would affect our friendship forever. His family was pulling him out of school and moving to Florida. I couldn’t believe it; I was losing my best friend. Besides when Macho Man smashed the scepter over the Ultimate Warriors head, causing him to lose the WWF title, it was probably the saddest moment of my life up until that point.

The Ultimate Warrior. My childhood hero.

I didn’t even have that long to say goodbye because he was leaving in a matter of weeks. But we had a great time the last few weeks, but eventually came the time to say goodbye.

And what a goodbye it was going to be.

The day before he left he came to my house to say goodbye to my parents. He said his goodbyes and such and then I left with him to his house. My parents call me about an hour later and tell me $100 is missing from the house and wanted to know if I knew anything about it. Obviously I didn’t, and we never thought of Chad as a suspect since he had been my best friend forever, and we all trusted him. So my parents blamed it on one of my sister’s innocent friends. (whoops!)

That night I said my goodbye to Chad. It was sad and all, but that’s not the point of this story.

The next day, while I was at school, and before he went to catch his flight, he did the shadiest thing EVER. Knowing my house was empty; he went and broke into my house, went into my room and robbed me.

That’s right, my best friend in the world fucking robbed me.

Here is a picture of Chad and I back when times were good. Check out that mole.

The motherfucker stole $220 dollars from me and even more from my parents. Then he had the nerve to use my phone, call one of his other friends and tell him he got my money, and he even ordered a pizza to be delivered to his friend’s house. And no I am not joking. He paid for the pizza using my money, and then caught a plane for Florida. The reason I know all of this is because eventually his friend told me the whole story.

I couldn’t believe it. My best friend of probably eight years just stabbed me in the back and robbed me, never to see me again. The person I trusted most just screwed me over worse than I ever thought possible.

And Chad Schmitt, if you somehow happen to read this someday, I haven’t forgotten about what you did. Fuck you. I have a lot of pent up aggression against you and would love to take it out on you. Go kill yourself.

OK, I feel better now. I had to get that off my chest.

So there you have it. As I am sure you can all relate, many friends come and go for one reason or another, but usually for bad reasons. In my case, these are just four instances of personal situations where friends have stabbed me in the back and walked out of my life (some more than others). I can only hope that your friends of your past have not done similar, and that my present friends don’t have any hidden agendas.

Don’t forget, I am in criminology school. I will hunt you down and I will have strings to pull. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Question? Comments? Want to make a bet for some HoHo’s? If so, email me at ikart11@yahoo.com