That’s right kids; your prayers have been answered. After receiving thousands and thousands of requests to bring back the hookup stories; finally, Great Moments in Hookup History has made its long awaited return to Zubazpants.com. I know, I know, I am very exited too. In fact, I’ll hold for your applause, thanks in advance. .
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Ok. Now, you may not realize it, but I have missed writing these stories probably more than people have missed reading them. I have been sitting around, just waiting for one of my friends to quit being a prude bitch, put their morals on the backburner, get their dicks wet and give me a story to tell.

And finally, after several months, it has happened.

One of my friends showed some hussy who’s boss, and gave me a story to share with my millions of fans. And man, what a story it is.

However this story is quite different from my previous stories. As great and successful as the story is, it is actually quite tragic. Hearts were broken, lives were changed forever, and my friend is an asshole for doing it. I don’t even know if calling him an asshole even does enough justice, as what he did is that bad. But who am I to play God, either way it is a great hookup, and one that must be shared. But enough with the jibba jabba, let’s get down to business.

First things first, this time I am going to begin a little different and start with some Webster’s Dictionary definitions.

Best - (b st). adj. Superior to the average.

That’s simple enough. Lets take it one step further.

Friend- (fr nd). n. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

So basically, for all you non-English majors out there, when you put them together you get a Best friend. This is someone who you know, like and trust much more than any other person. It is this person who you would do anything for, who you will always support, and who would do the same for you. Anyways, you get the picture, now that’s enough with the enchanting Mr. Rogers lesson on friends, lets tell a story.

Let me introduce you to my friend ‘G. Dubya’. Up until last year, this kid was the virgin’s virgin. If you looked up virgin in the dictionary, you would see his face (which coincidentally is also what you would find if you looked up masturbation). He was so devoted to being a Republican; he fell into the whole Catholicism hoopla, and vowed to wait to have sex until marriage. Ridiculous? Absolutely. I mean 21-year-old virgins are harder to find than the G-Spot on a girl. But it was his choice, and none of us could talk him out of it.

But finally, after 21 years, seemingly overnight, he changed his mind, and became more of a sexual predator than Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the mid 90’s. I’m talking this guy was a major threat to all women. He threw his chastity belt out the window and started banging girls like it was as common as jerking off in the shower. He was a changed man. Besides his friend’s girlfriends, no woman was safe from his purple-headed yogurt slinger. Every koochie turned into target practice.

On a side note, any girls reading this that slept with a man named Drake Fantasmo, Vinny Slingblade, or Bart McGlumpky, this was actually my friend ‘G Dubya’. Consider yourself played like a game of Battleship, you are just another victim of his unleashed booty ravaging. Sorry you have to find out this way, but he didn’t really love you, he isn’t really dying, and no he won’t be calling. I hope his pelvic thrusts of passion were worth the embarrassment and the Chlamydia (that’s curable by the way, just go see your physician).

Anyways, ‘G. Dubya’ had a certain friend for many years, who eventually grew to be his best friend. I’ll call him ‘Oscar B. Newcastle’. Like I defined earlier, these guys liked, knew and trusted each other more than any other person. They were friends from home, they came to school together, and even were college roommates. These guys were friends ‘til the end, and were going to be friends forever. One year ‘Oscar’ even made ‘G. Dubya’ a homemade best friend of the year award for being such a good friend. This was a friendship made in heaven.

One day at college, ‘Oscar’ met this girl named ‘Hester Prynne,’ and instantly fell in love. It was the girl of his dreams, and he knew he was going to marry this girl. Not too long later, ‘Oscar’ and ‘Hester’ were engaged to be married, and the two couldn’t be happier. Yeah, I know, it’s the sweetest thing you have ever heard, isn’t it?

When it came to the wedding arrangements, what’s a better way to reward your best friend for being such a great friend than to make him your best man? That’s right, ‘G. Dubya’ was named ‘Oscars’ best man for this wedding of holy matrimony.

OK, enough lame ass background information. You get the picture, my friend’s best friend was getting married, yadda yadda yadda, my friend’s genitals were on a reign of terror throughout Western NY.

Now let’s get to the good stuff.

As all three of them graduated, ‘Oscar’ moved back home, and ‘G. Dubya’ and ‘Hester’ stayed put to further their education like real losers, as everyone knows anything past an undergraduate degree is a waste of time and money. But that’s a story for another day. But since they had grown to be good friends over the years because of ‘Oscar’, ‘G. Dubya’ and ‘Hester’ actually stayed in touch, and stayed friends at school.

One night, ‘Hester’ needed a date to a formal, and ‘Oscar’ unfortunately could not make it because of issues back home. And being the good and loyal friend that he is, ‘G. Dubya’ offered to go in place of his friend, because after all, ‘Oscar’ trusted him more than anyone else, so he could obviously trust him with his girlfriend.

That will prove to be the biggest mistake of his life.

Up until this point, ‘G. Dubya’s’ surging libido stayed within limits, and never ventured towards friends’ girlfriends. At this very moment in time however, his machismo began to spin out o control, and his limits became as scarce as black guys in the NHL, and this included friends’ girlfriends.

On this fateful evening, everything was going fine all night long. They danced, they drank, and they socialized. Nothing out of the ordinary, they basically did things friends would usually do together. And I’m sure, since this is a hookup article, you can already tell that by ‘things’ I mean pregame for a night of forbidden lust, complete with ‘G. Dubya’s’ man chowder and the sweet nectar of ‘Hester’s’ vaginal cavity.

At the finish of the formal, to be a good date, and still watch over his drunken friends fiancé, ‘G.Dubya’ walked her home to make sure she got home safely. Upon arriving at her place, she invited him inside to show him her wedding gown she had just bought a few days earlier. Maybe ‘G. Dubya’ already had a boner and had something planned all along, or maybe he was just going to see the dress, but either way, he said yes, and shit was about to get real freakin’ naughty.

They got up to her room, and she quickly ran into the bathroom to go change into her dress to showcase it for him, as he waited. Soon enough she came out looking beautiful as ever. Maybe because she was drunk, and maybe since she was in her dress and he was in a tux, that she thought it was the night of the wedding, but one thing is for sure, that dress should not have been white, because purity was thrown out the window as the two started going at it like a fat chick in a pie eating contest.

Instantly, any thought of the best friend and fiancé were long lost, as the two were all about each other. It was ‘G. Dubya’ who was hearing wedding bells that night, as he was all over the bride to be, leaving his best friend none the wiser.

In a true Frat-boy move, quickly he ripped off her dress and he ripped off his tux, and he quickly began to lay the pipe, and Pearl Harbored her ass, right there.

The best man was pedigreeing his best friend’s fiancé.

With the engagement ring still on her hand. My friend actually did the biggest dick move in the history of dick moves and dropped trow in his best friend’s fiancé. And, you might as well just stitch a Scarlet Letter on her clothes now, because this was going to be something that was going to haunt her adulteress ass for a long time.

It goes without saying that the after affects of this weren’t going to be pretty. So what do you do? Pretend like it never happened and keep your mouth shut, or be a self-respecting man and fess up to it?

Well, even though there is no respect involved anywhere in this equation, ‘G. Dubya’ and Hester decided to face the music, tell ‘Oscar’, and hope that they could all live happily ever after, ‘til death do they part.

Yeah Right. While we’re having wishful thinking, Barry Bonds doesn’t take steroids, OJ Simpson didn’t kill his wife, George Bush is good president, and all women find me irresistible.

Actually, he dumped his fiancé’s cheating ass on the spot, and banished her to hoochie hell. As for ‘G. Dubya’? He literally had to run away from the situation as ‘Oscar’ tried to attack him and rip his eyes out. Rumor has it he was found about an hour later curled up in a ball, fully clothed taking a cold shower and crying. More or less, the friendship was no more, and will never be again.

My friend successfully became a total asshole, screwed over his best friend, and ruined his life. Real cool ‘G.Dubya,’ while your at it, you might as well go kill his dog too.

But that’s not it. He actually found another way to be a bigger dick than he already had. Oh yes, of course, my friend immediately started dating his best friends ex-fiancé, Because after all, she was on the rebound, and she puts out. It doesn’t get much easier than that.

To this day those two remain together. Truly a match made in Jerry Springer heaven. I only hope they don’t get engaged, because she just might bag his best man, and give my friend a little taste of his own medicine. Actually, I hope they do get engaged, because my friend deserves to get shit on for his actions that only Adolf Hitler would appreciate.

Now this hookup story is much more tragic than hookups past. Libidos ran wild, and lives were ruined because of it. My friend was an asshole, there’s no denying that. And he better have learned a lesson, because he better not come near my girlfriend, or I will rip off his promiscuous testicles of love. But in the end, yes it was tragic, yes it was devastating, but above anything else, it was a Great Moment in Hookup History.

Questions? Comments? Will you marry me? If so, email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com

Be sure to check out all of the previous 11 "Greatest Moments in Hook-Up History," only in the Archives at ZubazPants.com. The Archive is located at the top of this page and every page at ZubazPants.com

And while you are at it, join the forum to leave feedback for Ian Kardys ... there you can tell him how much you absolutely love him or how you hate him with every fiber in your body. You can also share YOUR great moments in hook-up history, and who knows, maybe he will decide to write about it.