You know that you’ve had a bad haircut. I know I am not the only one here. Whether you like to admit it or not, we’ve all had that point in our life where we had a bad haircut. But I am not talking about the ones where the barber screwed up and cut your bangs crooked or cut your hair too short. I am talking about flat out bad haircuts. The ones you regret getting. Or even the ones you didn’t even think were that bad at the time, but now when you look back at it, you’re like “what the fuck was I thinking!?!?”

Sound familiar now? At least once in your life, there has been a haircut that you regret more than that time you admitted to being a wrestling fan.

Then there are times when you look back at how you used to look, and you realize that you looked goofy as a kid. Whether it was because of the clothes you wore, how you acted, or just how you looked, the fact of the matter is, odds are you weren’t as cool as you thought you were, and you were just one goofy little shit.

Recently I was looking through some old pictures of myself, looking at my ridiculous haircuts and nasty clothes from grades K-8. After looking at these, I came to the conclusion that I was goofy as all hell. I realized that I think I may hold the record for these memories. No joke. If there were some trophy, my name would be inscribed on it. It even made me finally realize why I was the last child in my family. I was one god awful looking kid, and my parents just did not what to make that mistake again.

Here today, I am going to share these memories of my life with you, and I even have numerous pictures to prove to you my childhood goofiness. These are some of the most embarrassing pictures I could find, and I probably shouldn’t show these for the sake of my own dignity. Although, if you can’t make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of? Well, you could probably still make fun of Mike Morano, but that’s another story for another day.

Feel free to laugh, God knows I am. It’s embarrassing, but not as much as telling the world your ex-girlfriend is a lesbian, so what do I care. With that being said, let’s get started, and take a walk with me down my own memories of goofiness hell.

I’m going to start easy here and just show you guys me as a baby. This is only for one reason. Look at my hairline. This is the best you will EVER see my hairline. From this very day, my hairline started to recede, and has not stopped yet. My premature balding started at 6 months, and is now damn near the Hulk Hogan haircut, and that sucks, Brother.

First things first, the glasses. This is the only picture ever that has me in glasses. Why? Well, miraculously my eyes corrected themselves and I didn’t need them anymore. No bullshit, that’s what the doctors told me. However, to this very day, I can barely see 10 feet ahead of me and I am convinced I need glasses, yet all the doctors tell me I am fine, like it’s some big inside joke I am not a part of. Haha, very funny. . . dicks.

Anyways, the glasses aren’t my best feature in this picture. As you can imagine, the “four eyes” jokes were very good on my self-esteem. And those frames. Good Lord. No wonder I needed glasses, I obviously couldn’t even see what frames I was picking out.

Moving on, take a look at that mullet. I never realized it, but I had a friggin’ mullet. And that striped shirt? What the hell is that all about? I know it was the 80’s and all, but come on, that can’t be considered fashionable. It’s about as fashionable as a girl with a cold sore on her lip. And lastly, what the hell am I looking at? Aren’t you supposed to look at the camera? What am I, some sort of retard? How hard is it to look at the damn camera? Not only was I goofy looking, but I was an idiot too.

The only good thing to come out of this is that I don’t wear glasses anymore. Beyond that, this picture is quite embarrassing. From a bad haircut, glasses, an ugly ass shirt, and looking in wrong directions, this definitely qualifies me as being goofy as hell in Kindergarten.

Here I am in both 1st and 2nd grade. And no, my hair is not copy and pasted in Photoshop. It is actually the exact same haircut. Notice the big ass cowlick I had. As cool as I thought the spike haircut was, looking back, it’s about as cool as those kids playing Magic: the Gathering. My dad even gave me the nickname “woodchuck” because of this haircut. Yeah dad, very funny. Well the jokes on you when I put your ass in a nursing home.

At least these years I managed to look at the camera, I guess that’s what they teach in 1st grade. But then again, look at my shady ass smile in my first grade picture. Apparently it was 2nd grade that taught me how to smile. But even then I’m showing off my crooked, gap-toothed smile from ear to ear. Surely braces were inevitable for the summer teeth I was cheesing with.

Lastly, lets look at my clothes. Now isn’t that just the classiest blue collared shirt ever? Looks like I’m on my way to a club to pick up some shorties. Who am I kidding? Who the hell buttons those shirts up all the way anyways? And my 2nd grade Bugle Boy shirt … Ughhh.

Seeing that Bugle Boy isn’t even a company anymore just goes to show you that Bugle Boy clothes weren’t exactly the most popular clothes to wear, let alone wear for your school picture. Two more years down, three consecutive goofy ass pictures later, and so far I have proven that I was goofy as hell up until six years old.

Oh man, what was I thinking, I forgot to show you guys the picture of my first day of school.

As you can see, I am the originator of pink clothes. See how it’s popular now? Well where do you think that trend started? That’s right, yours truly. Yeah right. I can’t believe on my first day of school I wore a friggin’ pink wife beater. PINK. And not even that, but floral shorts?

MOM, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING LETTING ME WALK OUT OF THE HOUSE LIKE THIS???

Was this some joke my parents were in on? Maybe they were teaming up with the doctors? There had to be some explanation for this outfit.

I’m surprised I ever got laid after being seen in this outfit, I’m like a walking advertisement for abstinence. And those shoes? What the hell are those? And the nice matching black socks? I can almost guarantee I got beat up in class that day. I am almost positive my first day was full of wedgies, noogies and swirlies. I can hear it now as I walk into school the first day, all the kids are playing, when I walk in and all of a sudden everything goes quiet and all the kids turn and look at me in silence in unison. I really can’t believe my first day of school included this wardrobe. I must move on out of sheer embarrassment.

On a side note, if you can look past the demonic look in my face, please note how scrawny I was. If you know me now, you may know that I am quite muscular now, actually, I think the adjective huge may be justifiable to use. So just so you know, this kind of body didn’t grow on a tree, no, no, no, it took many packages of Velveeta, spicy nacho Doritos, and Pepsi to get this body where its at today.

You really don’t need to look much further than the steps in my hair. Yes, steps. I’m really laughing at myself right now. Look at that, I seriously have steps in my hair, and I’m smiling like it’s no big deal. And I thought this was cool? I’m beginning to think my barber was in on this big inside joke with my parents and doctors. I just don’t understand how they could keep a straight face while shaving that crap into my sideburns. It’s like trying not to laugh while watching Russell Gilbert roller blade, or watching my college roommate Mike Putter sing Bon Jovi. It’s damn near impossible. This picture really doesn’t need to be critiqued any further, but I will.

Once again, my clothes are highly unfortunate. Again, I’m in pink, and my shorts match very well with the girl’s handlebars and bike tire next to me. And my shirt says “skaters alliance.” What the hell did that mean? I never knew how to skateboard, so what the hell alliance was I in? I was obviously an idiot and a poser.

Moving on, check out those braces. I was the first person out of anyone to get my braces, as I got them in 3rd grade. 3rd fucking grade. Who the hell loses all their teeth by 3rd grade? I wasn’t ready for the tinsel teeth and braceface jokes in 3rd grade. Shit man, I was just learning how to ride a bike let alone learn how to chew with friggin’ braces on. And no, my braces did not have pink rubber bands on them. Actually they were cool Raiders colors.

Man, so far it looks like the first few years of my life were rough. Already full of goofy ass haircuts and even worse clothes. But the best is yet to come. I get MUCH more goofy here real quick.

Before I forget, you know how parent’s friends always say how cute you were? “Oh your son is so cute I could eat him up!” I’m beginning to think my parents friends were alcoholics because they had to be wasted to be telling me such crazy things. I was as goofy as they come, let alone cute enough to be eaten. Maybe they were in on this inside joke too.

And how creative of me to wear a plain black t-shirt! Now, that’s the definition of showmanship. It even matches perfectly with my blingin’ watch. I’m sure if I took that off that there would be a classic watch tan line. And how about those groovy friendship bracelets? You know, the same ones Zubaz writer Paul Feuer still wears. Let me tell you, they weren’t cool then, and they are even worse now. I’m surprised I even had friends to wear these with. Shoot, I probably bought them at the school store and pretended like someone gave them to me.

Five years of school down, and I am still fashionably handicapped, with no promising outlook of a look that doesn’t make me look like Gheorge Muresan’s son.

Now before we move on, lets note that I am finally growing some real hair. No more steps, and no more cowlick. In this case, this is the classic Mushroom cut. You know, shaved underneath but long on top. This was probably the only legit haircut I had until 9th grade. But it wouldn’t last for long. My next few haircuts will be ones I will regret for the rest of my life.

Dad, you always told me I shouldn’t have done it, and you were right. There, you happy? I said it. I look like some kid who should be drooling, chewing on his tongue and wearing a helmet. But I wasn’t. I was a smart kid who should have known better. But I guess just because you are smart doesn’t mean you can’t act stupid.

And who can look past my clothes? I’m wearing one of those damn thugged-out cartoon t-shirts. I have Foghorn Leghorn in a damn Baja on my shirt for Christ’s sake. This may be the year my mom stopped dressing me, b/c I know she wouldn’t have dressed me in this horrendous thing. Any plain black t-shirt is better than this thing. What’s even sadder, is I had a couple of these shirts. However, now that I think about it, I wish I still had that shirt. I can only imagine the reactions that would get from the hoochies at the bar. I bet I’d have to turn girls down left and right, either that or convince the bartender that I’m not a retard and that its ok if I have alcohol b/c I’m not on any medication.

OK, now these next 2 pictures are extremely rare, especially the last one. These two may have never been seen by most people, and I know the 2nd one hasn’t, as I have had it hidden for many years, and I’m sure I’ll regret showing it almost as much as do having that haircut in the past. But, for the love of Zubaz, they must be shared.

That’s my girlfriend next to me. And by the way, that’s the girl that took my virginity, and later cheated on me, then turned lesbian (See Greatest Moments In Hookup History #11). The problem here is, I look like more of a girl than my girlfriend. And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that that is a problem. Nothing good can come from looking like a girl. I look like a fucking girl man. A GIRL! Seriously, what the hell was I thinking? I might as well just strap my dick between my legs and go hustle down by the docks.

Then again, I look like a friggin’ penis. Look at me, the world’s biggest penis. I can’t believe it. How could I be so naïve?

Mom, I hold you personally responsible. You should never have let me grow my hair out. I’m surprised I’m not gay, or was never raped by some guy.

Check out what I’m wearing. I’m trying to look all good and classy for my 8th grade dance. I got my $5 shirt on, and what wouldn’t go better with a $5 shirt than a clip on tie? Could you tell? It isn’t exactly the nicest tie, but it sure as hell was easy to put on, and that’s what really matters.

Man, I was such a tool. It may not get much more goofy than that. But then again. . .

And here it is, the single most embarrassing haircut I have EVER had, and I guarantee none of my readers can beat this horrific haircut.

Lord help me.

And don’t listen to anything Russell Gilbert says, that shit is not pink. By this point in my life, I was over the apparent pink thing. You want proof? The curlers in my sister’s hair are pink. Compare those to my tail. That shit is red. Not that I’m condoning the stupidity of a red tail, but that shit is NOT pink. And by the way, Angie, I am sorry for having this picture of you on here. I am sure you are pissed at me right now, but I had to put this picture of me up. You’ll get over it anyways, you’re just lucky I didn’t post some of your haircuts on here.

So there it is, my damned red tail. I hope you guys enjoy seeing that thing, as probably only a dozen people have ever seen this picture. It is truly the most embarrassing thing I have ever done, and by far the goofiest at that. That is basically the definition of mistake.

There you have it folks. I told you I was one goofy ass kid. I bet you didn’t believe me when I said I have you all beat in goofiness. Well these pictures are your proof. From glasses, to pink clothes, to steps in hair, to just bangs, to long hair, to a red tail, I had everything a kid wishes he could erase from his past. Nowadays I’d say I look pretty normal. Well, if you consider bald at 23, then I’m as normal as they come.

If any of you have me beat, PLEASE send me the pictures. I would love to be shown that I am not the kid who looked the goofiest in his childhood. Until then, here I am folks, the reigning goofiest child in history.

God, I am so proud.

Questions? Comments? Want the Phone Number to my Barber? If so, email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com