“Ian, all the rumors you have been hearing, they are true. I am gay.”

It happened. My roommate had just come out of the closet. Now for the record, I am not anti-gay by any means. But I knew shit was about to get real weird, real quick. The remainder of our lease was about to be quite interesting. I’ll apologize in advance for this long article, but this story must be told.

Let’s back up a little bit and look at a little history. Back in high school, the American Legion has some bullshit where they take the top guys of your grade to SUNY Morrisville where they participate in some thing called Boys State. I had no clue what it was, but I was applying to colleges and I was told it looks great on applications. So I agreed to do it, and for one week out of my summer, I was off to Morrisville.

Big Mistake.

I should have done some research. Man, I had no clue what I was in for. For one, drill sergeants ran Boys State. Yes real drill sergeants. Everywhere we went, we were forced to march in unison, turn in unison, sir yes sir, and all that hoopla. We even had to do push-ups if we fucked up. This sucked more than Russell Gilbert’s articles. All of this alone could have made this suck beyond any other thing. But that was only the beginning. The whole premise of Boys State was politics. Fucking Politics. Unless you know me, you may not know that I fucking hate politics. Politics are about as cool as chlamydia. But here at Boys State, the whole premise was one big election where all the kids had to run their own campaign to try and become Boys State President. This included debates, speeches, the whole 9. It was basically a weeklong political rally/boot camp. And to make matters worse, jell-o was served at EVERY meal. I am talking breakfast, lunch and dinner. They even tried to trick us by serving different colors, so that we would still love it. I now refuse to eat jell-o ever again, and want to kill Bill Cosby because of that damn commercial. I was in hell, and I was there for a week.

I am sure I don’t have to tell you that I didn’t make it far in the elections. I literally didn’t even try, and lost by default because the kid I was paired against was prepared. I wasn’t exactly the model Boys State representative. But believe it or not, there were not many kids like me there. Most kids there were all gung-ho about this shit. Apparently, I was one of the only ones who didn’t do a background check of this thing for if I did, I sure as fuck wouldn’t have gone. One kid in particular who was loving it was a kid named Dan. He was eating this shit up like thanksgiving dinner and having the time of his life. Immediately I should have been weirded out by this guy. But one day we were paired up and got to talking, and as it turned out, he was a decent guy, and I talked to him a lot there.

Then after 7 days of hell, Boys State ended, and I left wanting to never think of the place again. I blocked it out of my memory like that one night stand with that fat chick in Canada.

Now, lets fast forward to college. Apparently Boys State looked so good on my record that I somehow landed my ass in SUNY Buffalo. Yeah, Boys State took me real far, right to a State School. My first class of freshman year was German and one of the most random things ever happened. Who walked in and sat right next to me, none other than random ass Dan. Giddy friggin' up. Even though he seemed to be a good guy, you can imagine my excitement, as all he talked about was how fun Boys State was. I’d rather be masturbating to gay porn.

So there I was, three days a week with this fucking Boys State freak. I was quite nervous and annoyed. I almost transferred out, but I fought through adversity and stuck it out. Before every class I had to Hulk up just to get through the pain.

Although no one was surprised more than me when he and I actually got along quite well. We actually became pretty good friends. I know, I know, I couldn’t believe it either. The guy actually even gave me a job-tutoring math for his own legit tutoring business. The business was real too, as he made $40,000 his senior year in high school doing it. I must admit though he made a bad choice hiring me for math. I had to tutor some kid in logic, you know pq, all that crap. Since I hadn’t done that since 9th grade, I had no idea what I was doing. However I pretended like I did and got paid for it. Anyways, he was putting money in my pocket, so he was proving to be a really cool guy.

Then one day he actually tossed out the idea of getting an apartment. I was kind of reluctant, as I was going to ask three of my friends to get a dorm room together, plus I didn’t really know him that well. But I was too late, and my friends made other plans. So I reconsidered my options, and took Dan up on his offer, we were going to be roommates.

Big mistake #2. This turned out to be a roller coaster ride from hell.

Living with him wasn’t too bad actually. Since he had some real income, he hooked the apartment up with real deal furniture, nice decorations, and nice kitchenware. He even bought a statue that resembles a butler that you put by the door to hold your keys and what not. He named it Mr. Bojangles. This thing will prove to be very important later on in this article.

On to the gay thing that I started the article with. I forgot to mention that Dan always gave off a gay vibe. Yes, he was a decently cool guy, but he always made gay innuendos. You know how some people just seem like they’re gay? Yeah well he was oozing gay machismo. I remember going to the mall with him, and he bought the new Janet Jackson CD. I ignored it. Then he turned into a metro sexual, and his best friend came out of the closet. Yes, I should have seen the signs, but I guess I didn’t want to accept the fact that he might be gay, so I turned the other cheek, errrr, I mean I looked the other way. Plus I don’t have anything against gay guys at all. So even if he was gay it wasn’t a huge problem for me…yet.

The final piece of the gay-dar puzzle came together when he started to go to gay bars in downtown Buffalo. He claimed, “it’s just so much fun there, we go there and make fun of all the fags.” Yeah right butt pirate, quit being a bitch and come out already. You aren’t fooling anyone. Although I knew it was coming soon, it was just a matter of time before he came out and was a real ass clown.

Then it happened. I am sitting at my computer one day, and he walks in and says, “Ian, all the rumors you have been hearing, they are true. I am gay.” The truth was finally out, literally. Now I know I saw it coming, but it still can’t prepare you. I was immediately worried that he wanted me, and never walked around with my shirt off or anything. I felt like I had to watch my ass all the time. You ever run backwards and naked through a cornfield? That’s what it was like. Plus, I know it was wrong, but I felt like gay was contagious. I felt like there was gay dust on everything and it could infect me. I was quite nervous. But things like that were the least of my worries. Our living arrangement was about to get real shitty, real quick. His whole personality changed over night. Cool guy no more, he was now a gay asshole, pun intended.

Here is a picture of Dan coming out of the closet, and me being in utter disbelief.

For one, he had gay parties all the time. He ditched all his old friends and got new gay friends, who would all talk about sucking dick and guys they like. Now I love head, probably more than the next guy, but when it comes to two guys, no thanks. Now that shit is just weird. Then he would have his boyfriend over all the time. You ever seen your friend kiss a guy? How about grab his ass? No? Again I am not against it, but still, it’s just not pleasant. Shits just weird man.

All of a sudden he also became a huge neat freak. He began to keep the place obsessively clean. He actually woke up every Saturday to clean the whole apartment. I am talking vacuum, dust, even caulk the bathroom tiles. Yes, seriously. I didn’t mind the clean place, but then he started to expect me to wake up every Saturday at 8 a.m. to help him. Get the fuck out of here, he was asking the wrong guy for that. He would then get mad at me for not waking up ay 8 a.m. Things were starting to get sketchy.

Then KardyGras was born. These are the periodic parties that I would throw that eventually turned into a huge group party at my later house. Dan was not a big fan of these. He was too worried about his furniture to have any fun. Get this, he wouldn’t let anyone sit on the furniture. He would actually put the plastic back on the furniture, and turn the couches into the wall. Now this shit was just stupid. I understand he didn’t want the beer spills for the plastic. But he didn’t want us to sit on them because if we had, the fabric and cushions would get lumpy. Furniture you can’t sit on? Come on now, you’re being gay. Even when there wasn’t a party, and friends stayed the night, no one was allowed to sleep on the couch. Didn’t you know that too many hours of a person sleeping on it in a row resulted in lumps? Yeah, me neither.

Then he systematically stopped giving me tutoring jobs. This I didn’t really understand, as even though I wasn’t the best math tutor, the kids I was tutoring were doing better in school somehow. But he laid me off. Dick.

This is also the point in time when he asked us to refer to him as Dan ‘Friggin.’ He was so stuck in himself that he gave himself a nickname to accentuate himself. Anyone who makes up a nickname for themselves are fucking tools. He was getting to be quite an asshole.

He even threw a pumpkin at my friend’s car when he was mad at him. I think that’s all I have to say about that.

One day I had one of his beers, he literally asked me for $1 for it the next day. From there on out, there were signs not to touch his stuff.

We also had a graffiti wall, the original graffiti wall that would later pave the way for our beer pong table and the great Oneonta wall. One day he threatened to call the landlord on me and blame the whole thing on me, and get me evicted, as if he had never written on it.

Then he made up a new house rule, that there were to be no shoes worn in the house. Even though we had been for several months prior, all of a sudden, shoes in the house were like women to him, he was having none of it.

He even started to pull shit, like “it’s my TV, and I want to watch it, so go in your room and watch TV.” I hated him now. Don’t take away my TV time. If I could have killed him and gotten away with it, I may have done it. I think you readers get the picture now that he had turned into a total cocksucker, literally and figuratively.

Finally things came to a head. My friend Keenan “The Virgin Killer” Barry and I were just being typical guys and punching and fighting each other when it happened …we broke a piece off of Mr. Bojangles. Boy was he pissed. By that point I didn’t even care. But man he was heated, he told us just to leave, and we did, laughing the whole way out of there.

The next morning Dan Friggin woke up early and went to do something, most likely gay stuff. I heard him leave, and got up and went to the bathroom. For the record, Bojangles was still there. I went back to bed, and eventually got up, most likely around noon. I wake up and he’s there and tells me, “I took the statue to get fixed, they said it’s unrepairable, you owe me a new statue.” This is where I flipped on him. I had caught him in a lie, as I knew the statue never left the house, and I knew it was repairable because only one piece broke off, and could be glued back on easily (which I fixed later that night, as good as new).

I tell him to fuck off, he sucks at life, and I feel like I am living in a prison. I call him out on all his lies and being an asshole. I basically went off on him and how much he has sucked since coming out. I couldn’t take it anymore, I hated him and wanted him to kill himself. I wanted him rubbed out in the worst way. The prison I was living in had to come to a stop. Fuck him and his anal intruding ass.

Then an act from God happened. He moved out. Well, he moved into the apartment upstairs with his lover. Finally he was gone. I hated him. He used to be cool, but he totally changed. Maybe being gay does that too you. The world may never know. Hopefully no gay dust had infiltrated my system, as I would want to kill myself if I was like that.

By the way, did you know that most gay people don’t have sex how you would assume? They don’t bang each other, one person does the banging, and the other gets banged. A typical pitcher and catcher situation. Dan was the Pitcher, FYI.

So Dan moved out. I couldn’t be more happy. Well, I was wrong again. Remember how I said he bought everything for the apartment? He literally left me with nothing. And I mean nothing. Not a single thing in the living room, nothing in the kitchen, all I had was my room. And of course the cable bill was in his name. So there I was, with no cable, no living room, no nothing for a month. Good way to drive a man crazy. The dick moved out and was still being a pain in my ass.

But he did leave a few things behind. He left me frozen chicken from 1997, a ½ eaten box of wheat thins, the birthday present I gave him, and of course, the electric bill with a note on it saying, “since I am not living here the last month of the lease, I’m not paying for this.” Fuck that. I couldn’t help but notice the bill was in his name. So I said fuck you, I’m stiffing you on this one.

Dan and I have not talked since. I have no reason to want to talk to him. He went from a cool guy to a fucking prick overnight. It’s sad actually that I lost a friend. But fuck him. I don’t want that fuckstick as a friend anyways. I have nothing against gays, but damn, once he started fudgepacking he turned into a totally different person. I’m not saying all gay guys do this and good lord I hope they don’t. But this fucker did. Eventually his boyfriend even dumped him because Dan was too much of an asshole. Stupid gay people. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Questions? Comments? Need any Friggin Math Tutoring? If so, email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com