Maybe I should warn you readers in advance, this isn’t the most politically correct article of all time. If you know me well, you may just laugh at me, but if you don’t know me, you may think I’m the world’s biggest asshole, and will rot in Hell. Well, I couldn’t agree with you more. This is one of the most asshole things I have ever taken part in, but I stick to my story that my actions were justified. So read this story, laugh if you want, get offended, whatever. But I’ll take the words out of your mouth right now, I know, I am going to Hell for this.

For many years I worked at a grocery store called IGA. Basically it was one big joke as me and all my friends worked there. It was like an inmates running the asylum type thing. Like most stores, there are customers that are totally classic, as they stick out above the other customers, and coincidently seem to shop there more than the rest.

There was this one guy who would buy bananas everyday, and was a close talker. Another guy whose hands were all scabs, eventually leading us to call him “Scabbies.” Then there was a guy who would get a cart, just to go to the Pepsi cooler and got a 20oz. Pop. Then there’s a guy who would ALWAYS asked to borrow $10 so that he could pay for all his groceries. There was even classic food stamp bitches that would buy a pack of gum about 3 times, then take the change to buy 40’s. We even caught a guy beating off in aisle 5 once to a magazine (no lie). One lady even had birds for pets and wore them on her shoulder as she shopped. But there is one person who sticks out above all the rest. This person is Harry.

Let me describe Harry a little bit. The easiest way to describe him is retarded. Literally. Although he was just so not retarded that he only had to live in a group home, and was free to leave and go out on the town. But don’t get me wrong; this fucker was retarded as all hell. What was wrong with the guy you ask? Why was he retarded?

Well, this is where the story starts. It is a well-known fact that way back when; he got in trouble numerous times for child molestation. Basically he is a horrible, nasty pedophile. On numerous occasions, he had been rumored to be mentally incapacitated leading him to not be able to control his urges and attack little boys and play with their dingy. So naturally we were all creeped out by him. Of course he came into the store on an hourly basis, usually because he was lost. One day though, shit got disturbingly interesting.

I’m working on the floor, stocking who knows what when Harry comes up to me and just starts talking like usual. Before I know it, he starts talking about his dark and perverted past. He instantly had my attention. Before I know it, he starts to blabber on and on about boys he’s molested, jail time he has done, and all that shit. It was pretty fucking gruesome. He even told me that the government inserted something into his wiener so that he can no longer get it up. Now that’s quite possibly the worst punishment ever. I would rather die personally. A life without orgasms is no life for me.

Then it happened, Harry crossed the line. He came up to me and started to tickle me. I freaked out. I yelled at him, and he just giggled. The he came at me and grabbed my dick over my pants. No lie. Then he tried to tickle me again and tried to get me to come to him. Then I shoved him off of me, screamed all sorts of obscenities at him, and I threw that fucker out. But that was only the beginning of what me and my friend and co-worker Roosta da neezy would do to him. I vowed for revenge, and damnit I was going to get it.

I don’t know if any of you have ever had and encounter with near molestation, I am actually assuming none of you have. Well, at least I hope you haven’t. But let me tell you, it leaves you wanting to beat the shit out of the asshole that did it. However, because the bitch was a bonafide retard, I obviously couldn’t do that. So instead, from then on, me and Russell Gilbert made sure that every time he came into the store, it wasn’t going to be a pleasant experience.

The next time he came in was a fun one. If you know Russ, you know his “Hey, you dropped your pocket” gimmick. These is where you tell someone they dropped their pocket, and they don’t realize that you can’t actually drop your pocket, but still look around for it anyways, inevitably looking like a total moron. Of course, since Harry was a retard, I don’t need to tell you that this worked to perfection. Before long he was looking all over the store for it. It wasn’t long after we told Harry that it fell in the garbage, and was all the way at the bottom. Before long, there was Harry, digging through the grimy ass garbage looking for his pocket. Unfortunately for him though, he never found it, and left the store in tears.

Next time was pretty fucked up, but this time there was a little remix. This time involves a midget. Yes, a midget. Once again Harry was in the store doing his same old retarded shit. However this time, before we could do anything to him, the fucker shit his pants in the store. Now that sure couldn’t get more disgusting. So basically our revenge was put on hold temporarily. Or so we thought.

Naturally, Harry ran home to change his underwear. Actually, you couldn’t be more wrong. Instead, he stripped right there in the store, but ass naked, and went into the bathroom to wash his pants in the sink. By now I was dry heaving. But this was too classic of a moment to not take advantage of.

Here’s where the midget comes into play. For god knows what reason, my store manager hired a midget to stock shelves. Needless to say, he was never employee of the month. But truth be known, the bottom two shelves in every aisle were straight as hell. He was a good kid, and was actually quite cool. However, he was a midget, and therefore deserved to be picked on. So naturally, we combined a shit covered molesting retard and a midget into one grand scenario. We get to fuck with a molesting retard, and harass a midget at the same time. Life doesn’t get much better.

Here’s where we tell the midget to go into the bathroom and grab some toilet paper for the women’s room. Being oblivious to what was going on with Harry, he walked in. All of a sudden we hear a loud scream and he tried to run out. Quick to act though, we slam the door behind him and lock him in there with a naked retard washing shit out of his pants. For about 10 minutes he pounded on the door, yet we didn’t budge. Finally we let him out and boy was he pissed. But he’s a midget, so it was kind of cute. To this day though, we don’t know exactly what happened behind those doors.

Our last terrorizing of Harry was the one most of you might be quite offended by. Although, its my personal favorite act of revenge against Harry and his flaccid dick.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Russ and I were both working when Harry came in. It was dead as hell, so we had the opportunity to get back at Harry once and for all. With quick thinking we told Harry that there was a football game outback (although there wasn’t a football field within 2 miles), and we were also giving out free steaks out there too. Now I know he’s retarded, but even retards know that free steak is something you can’t pass on. Although he wasn’t mentally able to realize he was walking into a trap.

So here we are now, leading Harry through the store to these steaks and football game that did not exist. Eventually we got to the back of the store and had nowhere to go. Except into the back room. Then we got him into the back room, and again had nowhere to go. Except outside. That’s when it hit us, THE DUMPSTER. WE both smiled at each other and led him outside towards the dumpster.

For whatever reason, most likely because he’s retarded, he still believed that steaks and football was awaiting him. That when we told him that the steaks were inside the dumpster cage. Since I told you earlier that he didn’t hesitate to go through garbage to get what he wants, he didn’t hesitate to go into the cage. There he was, Harry was in a cage of garbage, waiting for steaks. Quickly Russ and me locked the door and ran off, leaving him there.

Eventually though, he got out and came into the store causing quite the scene about how pissed he was, and rightfully so. Too bad for him though we blamed it on someone else, and that kid took the wrap for it, as it was me and Russ against him, and Harry, not being the most educated person with the best memory, was easy to convince that it was not us. It was at that point that I believed that I had my revenge. He tried to molest me, and Russ and I locked him in a dumpster cage. I think that’s fair, don’t you?

Yes, I know. He’s a retard, or mentally retarded if you choose to be politically correct about it, and I shouldn’t have done it. But for the record, I don’t go out abusing other people who are mentally retarded. I actually worked with them for three summers. I did what I did because he tried to molest me even after he has been in serious trouble before for this, and I told him no. So fuck him, he deserved it. I’d do the same thing to my mom if she molested me.

But either way, yes, I’ll be rotting in hell. I know it. But I’ll meet all you sinners there.

Moral of the story – no one tries to molest Ian Valentine and gets away with it. Nobody. Not even if you are somewhat retarded.

Questions? Comments? Have you lost your pocket? If so, email me at Ikartz11@yahoo.com